My LAST DAY!!!

Today is my last day at work until the NEW YEAR!!! I am so excited! I am going to get to play SAHM! I cant wait! My son is so fun to be with...and now I'm not gonna be all tired from working all day to play with him. I'm not going to get paid...and that SUCKS! But...I am still very excited. I just have to budget well...especially with the holidays coming around. I'm so glad my children are too little to care about what they get or dont get for Christmas!! I know this wont last very long. So I'm fully going to take advantage of it now! We are decorating for our children the first time this year...so that will be exciting as well. I feel so grateful for this opportunity. I had hoped that I would get the chance to rest before our second child came and re-flipped the script on us. And I will. My man finally came back and just in time...my ankles dont appreciate me bearing all my weight on them anymore! Yay! Happy Thursday! :)

So..I'm more GHETTO than I knew!

I was blog-browsing today and came across a young ladies blog who had a list of common words that 'some people' read: ghetto, use that are pet peeves for her. And the first one on the list was hurted. Now mind you...when I saw that, my face scrunched up in a peculiar way..."What is wrong with that?", I wondered. Hurted is a word. Now I agreed with her on ChicaRgo...and ax instead of ask...but for the life of me I honestly believed that hurted was an acceptable word. I have used it for TWENTY EIGHT YEARS!!! If I smash my hand..."OUCH! THAT HURTED!" Or if describing some unspeakable pain in the past tense...I would be quick to say how much it hurted at the time. So tell me...how is it that I have come this far...without ANYONE ever pulling me to the side and letting me know that the past tense of hurt IS HURT??? I called my mom...EVEN SHE KNEW! So I cant even blame this one on her. I mean I had to check several online dictionaries, before my mind would even begin to accept that I could have been walking around, just WRONG for all these years. I did find it in one though, the URBAN DICTIONARY!!! Hahaha so while I am aware that I have a few ghetto tendencies...I had no idea that it was so deeply ingrained beyond my conscious awareness. I mean I know that when I 'occasionally' take a gallon of milk to the head...that I'm ghetto. But this one straight blindsided me! Like for real...I was in shock, then denial, then anger, then guilt...now acceptance. What the hayle??? That one hurted! (SEE that made so much sense to me) Digressing...That one Hurt. Know better...do better! Right? :D

I hate people again...

I guess I should not have been SO excited over going on maternity leave...cuz ever since I have allowed myself to celebrate...PEOPLE have been getting on my last dayum NERVE! I cant take it. Well actually, I guess I can...and I will...cuz I only got ONE MO DAY!!! (after today) I cant wait to wake up to my internal clock, as opposed to my alarm (not that that wakes me up much anymore). I cant wait to meet my son in person. I cant wait to start working out! I cant wait to have a medium well steak from Outback. I cant wait to drink Kool-Aid with sugar in it!!! I cant wait! Sigh.

So it shall be written...So it shall be DONE

I have had many goals that have slidden by the wayside because they only existed in my mind. {yep...in this world, slidden is a word!} I have read plenty of times that in order to make something happen, the first thing to do...is to get it written down. I write a lot of things down...but some of the most important things or things that make me feel MOST vulnerable or afraid, just.dont.make.it! I guess part of me knows that seeing plans on paper does hold a power of accountabiltity with it...And accountabilty is a word that repulses (read: scares) me in the worst way. But this is the deal. Life is about to change for me in more ways than one. Second child aside, I have a home business idea, that is a GREAT OPPORTUNITY!

The reasons being
1) I can do it...I do already. Even while I read blogs all day long.
2) There is a market for it...and its not beign tapped into in my area currently.
3) Its reasonably affordable for me to get started.
4) I have been in the industry for years now, so I know how to sell it and who to sell it to.
5) The income has the potential to be great! Future expansion is IMMINENT!
6) It can very well become my primary source of income , after a while of it being my supplemental income that helps me to reach my other financial goals.

Now the only thing stopping me is my FEAR...of success or possible failure...not sure which is dominant right now. They feel exactly the same...paralyzing! However there is something else accompanying it this time. The knowledge and real belief that I CAN DO THIS! Every day, I find myself researching what I need to know to make sure that when I do put myself out here, that I can feel as confident that I know what I need to know to make this work, and I am who I need to be to see it through. Please wish me luck. Its not so much about the money, or the benefits, its much more about the risk. Because I am SCARED AS HAYLE! And I'm going to do it anyway.



Homework for tonight: Write up my official BUSINESS PLAN!

Why every time I take a STAND...

I wind up feeling bad about it. I have a "friend" that has been making comments throuought my pregnancy...that were just not right. I have written about a few...first she admitted having some 'feelings' about me being pregnant...and then various little things ever so often...that I tried to justify away. Why? I dont know. I cant imagine that anyone would say mean things on purpose...or without having a really good reason. Yeah...sounds like bull shit to me too. However the last thing that this "friend" has done was so uncalled for...and even tho I want to pretend it didnt happen...it did. I got up to tell her and the other lady that works here that I was going to the bathroom...and she growled, "Quit whining!". Now I gotta pee...so I kept going...but when I came back...I let her konw that my complaining would be done approximately the first of the year! Now my whole thing was...she assumed that I was going to be complaining first of all...and second that she had the AUDACITY to say that! Out loud! The other lady, we'll call her Mary...cuz thats her name (lol) said...Quit complaining?? Youre not pregnant!! But the killing part was...I wasnt complaining! I was trying to look out for you. Needless to say...I am not feeling her anymore. I dont really want to talk, or be friendly because you are not FOR ME...and I know that now. Mind you, she apologized...but still. Now she has been trying to be friendly...but I just cant. I have had to overlook too many things with her...and I'm just tired of trying to justify other peoples actions. I need to recognize...that there is not always some understandable reason behind someones actions...and if there is...its not MY job to find it. I cant go around getting my feelings hurt, just because you have something to get off your chest.

I've been tagged...7 things about ME huh??

The rules of the game are:

A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...

B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...

C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...

D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.



Well its not usually hard for me to talk about me...cuz I fascinates the hayle outta me...however I'm afraid that you may be disappointed...but here we go anyway! :)

1) My favorite subject is anything associated with MIND-BODY connection! I really feel like you can heal ANYTHING if you can heal it in your mind first.

2) Whenever I have any ailment, I check my books on reflexology or What you feel you can heal to see if there are any affirmations I can do or any pressure points I can press to help.

3) I dream of going on a spritual retreat, where we do yoga, eat vegan and sing Kum-bay-ah while holding hands in the woods.

4) Sometimes when I leave my house for errands, I pretend the paparazzi are watching my every move! Could be?? right?? :)

5) I feel like I would be a sell out if I straightened my hair. I have been natural for about 6 years...and havent straightened it yet! Even tho I am dying to see how long it REALLY is.

6) I went to massage school, but got freaked out...when I realized how INTIMATE it was.

7) I practice having OOBE's. I used to do it on a regular...but not so much anymore!

I tag...my blogroll--its not that many...but I love yall and read your stuff everyday! Even Unknown who doesnt post that often anymore!

The first day of November!!!

I am so excited!!! I have 14 days until maternity leave!!!! Party ova here! I cant wait...cuz my mind is GONE!! I forget everything...keep making mistakes that are just funny, but that tends to happen at this point in the game. My last day is going to be November 15th!!! Hopefully I dont deliver before then. Of course that is a chance...because baby is pretty much fully developed now. I'm hoping that I at least get a few days to just chill with my family and calmly transition from being a mommy of one to a mommy of two! This is going to be AWESOME!!! My man is back...and I am enjoying him immensely! Too bad bout the pelvic rest...he has definately earned a little action...but doctors orders!! OH well...time will come soon enough. I try to pray for patience...but my druggy ankles, and my expanding waist, says HURRY Up! I need to buy more maternity clothes...but I dont want to so close. I have, however been buying clothes for after delivery. Cuz I have slipped so far off the girly-girl radar-- Gotta get in MILF status, like RIGHT after delivery! No exceptions!! Well hope November is wonderful for everyone! I know its going to be GREAT for us! :) Well talk to you sooner than later! Wooooo-hooooo! I want to SCREAM! Life feels so good today! So thankful!

What a STRANGE WORLD I live in....!!!!

Okay...just a few STRANGE THINGS about my weekend:

1) How does a grandmother with only ONE grandchild show up at his party with NO GIFT?

2) How does my sister buy two other RANDOM little people birthday gifts, expensive ones mind you...but come to her ONLY nephews birthday party empty handed? And THEN leave to go get more balloons, and come back with a friend and another little kid? Ummm??? Me no understand.

3) How do you decide that you are going to stay...and then five minutes before I leave the house...decide that you MUST leave?

4) How is is that you call me at 3:45 and you are on your way to your ONLY grandsons party...then at 4:30 you're too sick to come? [however you did come the next day and bring a NICE CHECK...FORGIVEN] :)

5) How do you plan on a $300 dollar car making it back to Detroit from New Orleans...if I call you and say "I'm in Labor...come right away???"

6) Why do you choose the day of my sons b-day to need his dad to help you take some metal to the metal yard...when you had him available all week? And then you keep him for hours...because you decided to drive BELOW the speed limit???? And ignore the directions you got from the yellow pages, the location....and my MAN!??

7) How do you find any excuse to drink and smoke? and when your decision to do so causes you to sleep like a corpse...why do you look at me when you miss your plane ...like "what do I do?" I.DONT.KNOW!

I am trying not to adopt the victim mentality here...but WHAT IN THE FUGGGG IS GOING ON? Am I the ONLY SANE ONE LEFT??? Or is my crazy...just being reflected back to me in the form of others? And why when I express to a "friend" how my fam came empty handed...she reminded me that I didnt want to throw a party in the first place...which leads me to #8

8) What does a party or acknowledgment on my part AT ALL have to do with MY FAMILY getting my son a gift?

I mean, am I being weird?...should I not expect for them to buy him something for his 1st birthday? I mean...I bought them something from him for theirs...and they are both GROWN AS HAYLE?

And now that that shit is out...IM.DONE! I am not speaking of it again. What is done is done...water under the bridge. My son enjoyed his birthday, as did his guests. The party (our firt time ever throwing one) turned out very well. Good freaking Monday morning! : )

I am NOT my family!

Why oh WHY is this concept so DIFFICULT for me to really accept??? My family is great (in their own little way). I mean...who doesnt have things about their family that they wish were different? But you grow up...try to learn to stop blaming them...accept responsiblity for your own life...and blah blah blah. But I had a reveleation in the shower. I still live a LOT, and when I say lot,I mean LOT!!!! of my life based on what I THINK my role was or is in my family. Its the weirdest thing ever...Some things that I remember coming natural to me...FEEL so foreign now, because after years of ridicule (that apparently I havent released) I am almost ashamed to let parts of myself BE FREE! I thought my mom was in the shower with me...saying I was taking too long because I was shaving my legs and using my loofah...and adding my Oil of Olay body lotion. I heard her voice...saying "Why are you doing all that?" and "You are taking too long...Don't nobody care about all that".

But I do.

I almost hurried myself up...until I realized, Thank GOD!, I was in the shower alone...and that voice was just a ghost of my PAST! It was the craziest thing ever...because...it was then that it REALLY HIT MY AZZ IN A POTENT WAY! I am NOT my family. Never have been...I like aromatherapy, yoga, energy work. I own more books than movies...and I prefer it like that. I shave hairy things...I bathe for the hell of it! I used to spend hours "experimenting" with my hair. Yep! Just to pull it back in a ponytail the next day, but...Hey!? I can also stare at myself in the mirror for HOURS...you never know when you may need a certain "look". I set moods in my room...JUST FOR ME! I practice putting on my clothes sexily...haha shhhh dont tell nobody! BTW NO that ISH does NOT work being 8 months pregnant! Almost broke my damn neck this morning! :) But all in all, the point is...that I am NOT necessarily doomed to live out the character that I grew up playing. I can be ME! ALL DAY LONG! :D

Happy Birthday Jeremiah! One year ago today, I gave birth to the greatest little human alive! Thank you so much for making my life happen. I love you.

Jealousy

I am experiencing a feeling that can only be jealousy. Its not angry...and I dont want the person of whom I'm jealous to see an ill fate...but I am coveting. There was this girl that I went to high school with...and she was PERFECT! She always looked perfect, she was a sweetheart, she was very involved in every extra-curricular activity you can name, she was smart, captain of the cheerteam, dated the most popular guy in high school all four years, was a devout Christian...and yes a virgin. YOu could not hate this chick if you wanted to. She was homecoming queen for every year (for our class)...Yep...me no likey her! So I'm browsing myspace...and I run across her...and wouldnt you know it...her current life looks just as perfect. Had beautiful wedding, to man that you can see the love OOZING FROM. Just had first baby...looked FABULOUS throughout her ENTIRE pregnancy...yep she documenteed it all. Even when her belly was huge as a tank...she was cute...and leaving comments such as "Pregnancy is the greatest!!" and "Thank God for MIracles!" BLAH BLAH BLAH She has the life I think I want. And I hate to admit..but yep...Ya girl is thoroughly jealous. Did I mention that she lives in a beautiful home in a beautiful city...with beautiful lamps in the background?? Did I mention the plushness of the carpet? No I didnt...cuz that is a slight overexxageration...tho I'm sure it was plush. I'm sad. I have lots of things to be grateful for...but all I can keep thinking...is JEALOUS JEALOUS thoughts. Which of course just reiterate all the places where I think I fall short. sigh. I wanna go to sleep now!


{serious reinvention time is near--channelling Madonna}

Note to people!!!

If I must objectify myself...I would say that I am a nice person. Its true! I am! Not necessarily because I like to be nice to you...but because it feels better for me to be nice. Its easy to condemn someone...but it feels better to try and understand you. Its easy to just let whatever I'm thinking roll of my tongue...but it feels better to exercise tact. Its easy to attack those who hurt me...but it feels better to take responsibillity for my own experience that I AM HAVING. I am not who I am to benefit YOU at all! I'm actually much more selfish than that. I am the way that I am...because it feels better to live my life in this way. Yes...being this way can be a double edged sword, lots of people dont understand how I can function the way I do...Shit! Half the time...I dont either...but I know that it feels better this way. It is easy to point the finger...but it feels better to accept what IS. It is easy to judge others...VERY EASY! So I'mma leave this one alone...cuz...hahaha ya know! But all in all the point is...just because I am what most would consider a nice person...does not mean that I ALWAYS want to be bothered. I dont like to to always be that person that people think is always upbeat and ready to listen to your nothingness. I mean come on!? Do you not hear me at all???? I am cool peeps...but I dont want to hear your shit all the time. I have my own shit to process...I do not have the capacity to handle both of ours...so dear friends, when I am more quiet than usual...please dont perch yourself near me...and attempt to siphon my vibes. It makes me ANGRY! I am entitled to attitude days...or weeks, or months if I wanna...cuz sometimes..that feels better. Get it? Got it! GOOD. Now ya have a wonderful day nah...Ya hear??

A coca cola bottle or a 2 liter

Well...time is winding down. I dont know how far along I am because there are so many rumors going around. My doctor is saying one thing, the ultrasound said another...yet my tummy and womans intuition is saying yet another. At my last appointment I measured 33 weeks! So I could be like 35 weeks right now! The thought of that is INCREDIBLE! I am excited and scared. One thing lately that has been on my mind (besides the fact that I need the terms of my relationship clearly defined...AGAIN! Sigh!) is that I need to really get my mind back on track. Because I could easily start to look like what I consider 'mama's' to look like. And if you are a mama...please dont be offended...I mean that tired overweight woman who just let herself go! That thought scared the Be-Jesus out of me! I know shallow but...I AM having back to back pregnancies...and I did gain a substantial amount of weight. I keep thinking...I should have eaten better...or worked out more...but at this point in the game...SHOULDA, COULDA, WOULDA...What is...IS! I am meaty! I mean, IMO, my body looks great! Its doin the damn thing!...however..once my baby is no longer inside me...then I will just be fat! And that is not something that I want for myself or my family. I know that it will take time...but I feel overwhelmed already...cuz see...I need to lose like 85-90 lbs. I had struggled with losing 30 lbs...and now I am going to attempt to lose TRIPLE THAT??? With two children under the age of 2??? Who do I think I am ?? I'm scared. I dont want to be round shaped...I really dont. Luckily I still [barely] have a nice silhouette...but I am literally...a small fry away from being an oblong oval shape! Does anyone know any programs that work well? My bosses wife recommended Weight Watchers...but I am not sure how much money I will have for all that? I want to look better than I EVER HAVE!!! My first pregnancy I gained weight mostly in my tummy...this time...it is EVERYWHERE! I am trying to focus on the matter at hand...but the matter on my thighs and face and back...are BEGGING for my attention as well. :)

Forgetting Family Values

How do you raise your family...or a better yet 'fashion' your family in a way that is not the way that you were raised without being offensive to those who raised you? This is a dilemna that I face on a regla. Now...I'm sure my mom did the best she did with what she had to work with...(took a while and SEVERAL self-help books to get me to THAT conclusion). But I want to mix things up and do things a little different for my own family. See...I am a bit more health conscious than my family is. And while I do not have healthy living down to a science, my children give me the extra motivation necessary to REALLY make it happen. I want them to live in healthy, well functioning bodies...as their little systems have a lot to contend with in our modern world.

What seemed commonplace in my childhood raises definite red flags in my mind now. Like sugar consumption...and salt...and childhood obesity and obese-related illness. Even my views on showing children respect, fostering creativity and freely giving affection are all in STARK contrast to the values that my family places on them. My family considers children who are cherished, SPOILED. And children who are allowed to voice their opinions, OUT OF CONTROL. Whenever I dont want for my 11 month old son to over indulge in sweet things...I get "THE LOOK" from my mom...followed by her explanation that children need sugar sometimes! Need? And that time would be?? When their blood sugar is low. Last time I checked...Sugar was poison...and then she goes on to point out that I eat it...and blah blah. which is true...and I know in order for me to REALLY preach this...it will first have to become a practice...but my point is, right now my sons eating habits are being formed...and I would like for them to include heatlthy things...not just what every other parent I know allows their child to eat. I dont want him to even get it ingrained in his head that a cheeto is a food. Not to say that he wont ever have these things...but it is not my desire that he does...and in his first few years will probably be the only time when I can ABSOLUTELY guarantee that he wont indulge in empty calories.

When he is frustrated...and lets it out...Yes it gets on my nerves...but who I am to stop him from having a normal reaction to his desires beign thwarted...I mean...I'm no a happier when I dont get my way...only as an adult, I have learned more effective ways of dealing with that feeling. I'm SURE, (despite what mama says) I didnt come out knowing exactly how to deal with not getting what I want. I am just tired of feeling like my parenting and my views on the world are 'incorrect'. I am tired of when my child cries...for my FAMILY to say...Girl your son is {insert some bullshit here} spoiled, a cry baby, too loud, whatever. I know he can be a handfull sometimes...but he is my BABY! My first baby. And all I know is that I want the ABSOLUTE BEST FOR HIM! So if that means...drinking less juice and having more fruit, or snacking on vegetable sticks, whats the problem? Why is that viewed as a bad thing to those I hold most dear? sigh...I guess it was denial...cuz this really REALLY bothers me.

Peace or Denial

Its hard for me to tell when I experience peace. In my imagination, I picture peace to be this overwhelming calm that completely permates my entire existence. One that is unmistakable...but my more rational self (who is now visiting) says...that may not be a complete truth at all. Maybe peace is much more subtle. Maybe peace is being okay with the way things are. See I have a lot of things on my mind. My family, my children, my relationship, my finances, my life, my "calling", my home, my future...Yeah...ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME! But as of late...tho I can complain...I just try not to...or to look on the brighter side of things.

My family...is my family ALL DAY LONG! We are dysfunctional. Delusional. Selfish. And out of touch with reality...but this is the way it has always been. I want to help...but if I cant...then I have to preserve my sanity. Hi and Bye! Its okay. I still love us!

My children...are my WORLD. I think of them all day. I want to be my best self...for them, even more than for myself. Because I know that a balanced mother will be more apt to raise balanced children.

My relationship...NOT what I think I should want right now...but...it is just the same the relationship that I choose to be in. It is a daily choice...and a very constant and conscious one. I understand that in this time...I would choose close proximity...but that is not what I'm getting...I am not in a relationship with myself or a yes man. He has his own ideas...and currently they are not bending to fit what I want them to be. This is as it is. I.do.not.agree. That too is okay. I still love you.

My finances...I do not have as much money as I would like. But I still pay my bills and get all of what I need...and most of what I want. So...:)

My body! My BEAUTY-FULL very full figgered body! I am loving my body so much lately. I think the hormones are doing something skrewy to my brain...because I am obsessed with my body lately. Maybe instead of dogging it for not being what I thing it should be...I can actually appreciate all of the things that it IS to me! I am thankfull for it. Even my brand new stretch marks make me smile. (as i ferocioulsy slather them with cocoa butter)

My life...is pretty sweet! I still want things...and new levels of growth...but...its like...fuck a want right now. Cuz right now...this is what I have...and...It feels pretty good.

...Speaking of Black Thursday

Well I know I didnt speak of Black Thursday...but I am well aware of whats going on today in Jena, Louisiana....and YES I AM WEARING BLACK FROM HEAD TO TOE! This is proof that I am having an excpetionally GREAT DAY! If you work in an office...then you may know what a toner phoner is. They call and ask for the model number of your copier is...the unassuming new person might check and tell them...then they mail you all sorts of pricey goodies for your machine...and by law...you have to pay. Well I am not a newbie...so this toner phoner calls in a very pleasant voice might I ad.

Toner Phoner- Hi! This is [whoever]...I am calling for the model number on your copier.

Me-Hmm? (in a pleasant tone) Did anyone call for service because there is nothing wrong with our copier?

TP-NO...but we call and check model numbers every couple of months.

Me- No thanks! (happily)
TP-Bitch! All your stupid ass has to do is give me the fucking number...{many more curse words}
Me-You are crazy...its not my fault you have a fugged up job...dont take it out on me [barely containing my laugh]
TP-Are you black? Yeah you're black...at first I thougt you were white...but now I hear the savage coming out in you...you must be a hoe too...Black hoe...you gone go home and fuck your black man???
Me-Why? Are you Jealous??? [wondering why I have not hung up on this fool]
TP-Stupid azz hoe, bitch, blah blah blah...
Me-Deciding that I HAVE to tell someone about this crazy ass man...so I cut him off.

I told the sales coordinator in our office...She thought it was a friend because I was smiling and laughing into the phone. Dude! For real? I was just in such disbelief...you dont have that happen every day...I was totally not expecting that...I did thank him for making my day more interesting tho. I loves crazy people! I do! I do!

When did I become Misses!

I have a friend who has a 12 year old daughter. She is one of the most beautiful chocolate babies you ever want to see. She reminds me so much of myself at 12. Very cute...very "grown", but not really...yet very sweet! Anyway...could write a whole post on little Ms. Dirah...but the point is...she calls me by my name. Like most children I know do. I even let my four year old niece call me Keelah...cuz it never really occured to me to have her call me....Auntie. I'm not the "auntie" type! Am I??? hahah But Dirah called me Keelah one day...and I responded...as I do whenever anyone else says Keelah...but her stepdad corrected her. And said, Ms. Keelah. And in that instant...I felt MATURE. And not necessarily in a good way. Now the strange thing is...I refer to myself as Ms. Keelah sometimes...but I'm thinking jazzy Ms. ya know? LIke Ms. Thang! Not Miss...as in elder. But dude...I am NOT a child. Hell I've got a child--Two! Hahaha Funny how this is on my mind to actually write about it. But how yall feel about that? Do younger people call you Ms.? I know its respect...but it just feels quite odd to me. Even tho...I guess at 28 I AM good and grown! Right?

I feel wise today......hahahahhaahaaha

Today...I am TWENTY EIGHT years old!!! I feel great! Today is a GREAT day! The sales coordinator in my office asked do I feel older...and usually, I dont...but today I actually do. And its a good thing. I like 28. It feels very grown and sexy. Old enough...but nowhere near "old". I am a mother to a wonderfully spoiled son...with one more coming soon to a hospital near you. I am a great daughter, a loving sister, a good friend, a so-so A/P person (hey something had to give right?), I have my health, a roof over my head...GOOD food to eat every day, reliable --ish transportation. Money in the bank, a smile on my face...and clothes on my back. I have people that love me...and people that I love. I have goals. I have a fro! (yeah thats an asset!). I have optimism for the upcoming year! I have a beautiful mind...and few stretch marks! Well considering...haha! Its all good. There is nothing I need right now...IN THIS MOMENT! Cept maybe a drink...this is the second dry birthday in 2 years!!! Ah well...Happy birthday to ME!

My New Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. It is not going to be celebrated...in a traditional way. I dont really do parties, usually I get taken out to dinner...eating being one of my MOST FAVORITE pastimes. And I will probably get a card from my mom...dont know what my MIA man is going to do...prolly call me from 11 hundred miles away...so sorry that he's not here...and blah blah blah. But I'm not really excited about it...it is very much a time of reflection for me. This is my new year...and I thought...well no...(honestly i stole this from someone) why not make resolutions??

So here is what I'm turning around in my mind so far. To be revised and posted.
~Create a....budget and stick with it.
~Create an account with 6 months living expenses in it...NOT TO BE TOUCHED.
~Save $100 dollars a month (yeah I know...but hey gotta start somewhere!)
~INCREASE my income!
~Keep eyebrows maintained (sounds easy...but lately notsomuch)
~Actually begin to (REALLY) eliminate my debt.
~Take time every day...JUST FOR ME!
~Go to church at least once a month. I really miss church...but on Sundays...I pass.
~Buy myself a great book once a month! (serious cutback)
~Take a class--yoga, feldenkrais, energy healing, chakra clearing...something that I really am interested in...but always talk myself out of.
~Continue to participate in family fun stuff happening around the city with my son. So far we've done a basketball game and the circus...Good times!
~Catalog my pictures, so that my boys can see their childhood en photo! (Something I dont have)
~I guess this could all be summed up as--GET MY LIFE IN ORDER! ORGANIZE MY LIFE!--

Now that I wrote all this out...I feel so overwhelmed. This seems like so much. If I could just incorporate these things...Life would flow so much better for me...but how am I actually going to have this life? Sigh...I will think on this later...I've made my head hurt. I am mad now!

Dropped the ball...

I work at a virtual office...and one of our clients numbers must be similar to a crisis center, because I have received two calls from there since I have worked here...the first one being a new mother who had NOTHING for the newborn she was about to receive the next day. I was a new mom myself, so my heart went out to her. I packed up all of the clothes that my baby could no longer fit...and took them to her. I dont know what motivated me to do it...I just hate to hear people in distress...specially when I can relate...however--

Fast forward to today...a young lady called in...looking for a crisis center. The correct response being, "You have the wrong number". But I asked her...well what is the problem? And she told me...NOt to tell all her business..but she has a mental illness that she cannot take medicine for due to her being pregnant, 7.5 months to be exact...sound familiar?? Well it should, cuz I am...and her baby will be one in a week...mine in a month. She told me that her family doesnt want to deal with her...because they dont understand her illness and they just think she is a liar, with "issues". Her man just left her because of the same thing. When I heard all of this...my heart began to ache. She was obviously a young woman...and I felt the "tired" in her voice. I heard a voice...offering her my number just in case she needed to vent. I heard myself saying this over and over again...as I searched online for a number for her to call. I BLATANTLY ignored this voice. Telling myself, that I am not a professional, I cannot help her...and this may be true...but I honestly think that I was more afraid of actually having to KNOW her pain. Because her pain was VERY similar to my own...and it scared the shit out of me. When I hung up...I immediately regretted not extending myself...at a time when we could both have used it. I immediately regretted it. I feel heavy. Not as heavy as I do with my own...ish! But i feel like that could have been for me...that could have been a way for us both to heal...or at least talk to someone who could truly understand the other...tho I'm not bi-polar! (At least I dont think I am--sometimes I must wonder :)) I guess that if it is really meant for us to hook up...then somehow we will find each other again. I'm sorry God, for dropping the ball on that one. I dont think it could have been more obvious...and I ran away like a little POWNK! Please forgive me.

I cried and cried some mo yesterday...

And it felt so good. So much has been going on...so intense to me that I chose not even to blog about it. I just didnt feel like actually complaining and then complaining some more. Complaining is so draining...and I already am spread thin. To summarize...my man doesnt understand that I NEED him to come back. He thinks we should move along with the original plan. That hurt. My mother decided that she doesnt want to watch my son anymore, cuz he cried too much...That HURT. (She even tried to play the victim-to a TEN month old!) I am probably going to return to work after my baby is born...Sadness...but when I cried yesterday...I felt myself trying not to let it out...or to cry all cute and shit! But then I just let them flow. I let the hurt consume me...beyond the point of overwhelment. I let it take over my whole body...And then I prayed. And to my surprise...instead of praying for the pain to be taken away...my prayer was simply, "I thank you God, for my tears mean I am alive. I feel hurt...but I grateful for my life." Mid-cry...I wondered...where that came from?? Cuz I swear I was thinking...I dont want to feel this...but I guess for a moment...I was able to just be okay with how things were. My feelings were hurt...I felt victimized, confused, offended...and downright angry. And instead of pretending like I had it all together...I just sat with the fact that I dont...and since I knew nothing better to do...I just wept. Shit...wasnt nothing else to do. My life is not changed...but things are not as bleak as they once seemed. My friends husband has volunteered to watch my son, while I'm at work. And this is a new friend. Thank God for them. They are AWESOME yall! I am not satizfied...but not as uncomfortable as I once was. I am not where I want to be...but THIS is where I AM....so...I can deal with that. Come to think of it...I think a few months ago...I might have prayed for this. Well not THIS! But I remember praying to be developed...and used by God..and all this other ish...that I SO thought meant something else. I guess you cant ask for your lessons to come in a specific way...cuz I WOULD NOT have asked for this. But I know I am growing...and being pushed to grow and confront about every fear that I could possibly have. So if growth doesnt come from this...let me not think like that...that is SUCH an impossiblity! Hope all is well!

Need

I am feeling heavy lately. My insides feel like they weigh a TON! I know that I can alleviate this by just TALKING to my man about how I feel. But that is really proving to be more difficult than I could have imagined. I am going to mess around and have an anxiety attack from all of the feelings that I am trying to stifle. I can feel myself literally moving things around to not show myself. Its hard work. But honestly, its the way I do things. For most of my life. I dont like uncomfortable feelings, so I usually try to convince myself that I'm not having them. Only this time...its not working so well. They are there. They are with me when I awake, as I work, on my commute, when I talk to others, and even infiltrating my dreams. My true feelings are there...threatening to expose my heart and ruin the hard and 'controlled' exterior that I have tried to create for myself. I am afraid. I am afraid because for the first time in my life..I NEED - And I cant hide it. I cant talk my way out of it...cant make believe that I dont. There is something inside of me that I cannot deny. And my inability to hide it...makes me feel weak. I dont want this. This cannot be...but it is. And that scared me. I feel like I am unraveling at the seams. I am losing my friggin mind! My heart is closed. And I feel it opening...and that scares me. Because along with loving fully...I will be fully exposed. Naked. Open to be......touched. And I'm not sure thats what I want. I want to be embraced...but not held. Felt, but not touched. Loved, but not open. And I know that these are impossibities, one cannot exist without the other...but what am I to do? Fear has me frozen. For the first time in a long time...my need for love...is much larger than my fear of it. And I dont know how to let go...and just embrace the emergence of need. What do I do with it? Do I stomp the ground trying to satisfy it...or is it enough just to admit, the hardest thing that I have ever had to admit...I, Wakeelah...need.

Adjustments...

My man doesnt live in Michigan...with me and our son. He currently resides in New Orleans. We have had two week long visits with him in the last 2 months. He calls me every day. Sends me and My-mi lots of love and sweet words. He sends a nice amount of moola every two weeks or so. Sometimes more frequently...never less. He is trying to do what he feels if fiscally best for our growing family.

I am pregnant. I am working. I do not like to work. It was under the assumption that when he made enough to cover our living expenses and after the baby in my belly is born, that I would not work. We would all move to Mississippi and blah, blah, blah...Happily ever after!

Well since the original plan, I have decided that moving south is not going to happen right now. Mainly because my family is here...and they are in love with my child. They help me a lot and I dont want to be seperated from them especially while my children are young. They deserve to have their grandparents in their life. My parents are the only ones they have. Besides...after living there for two months...he KNOWS it is not a place where he wants to live. Or raise our family. He is city to the bone!

Now...the dilemna...while he is away...I am adjusting...as any creature that you put in any environment will eventually do. I am adjusting to living a life without him. Where I was once in despair about not seeing him every day, I am becoming 'comfortable' with our daily phone calls. Where I was in agony over being in a single parent situation, I am becoming 'comfortable' doing all that needs to be done. Where I was once devastated by going through this pregnancy alone, I am finding solace in the love of my child and the growth of the one in my belly. I mean...did yall hear...I even kill bugs now! BIG ONES. I am scared. I am scared that he is being phased out of my life. I dont want to believe this...but this is my experience. I dont even talk much about it...because the indifference is scary. When he first left it was so hard...I didnt tell him how much I missed him because I didnt want to be viewed as unsupportive, however now I mention every day...that he needs to COME HOME. Not so much because I miss him, but I fear if he doesnt come home and reclaim his space in my life...that it may no longer be there waiting for him. I have not told him this...because honestly, I dont know how. How do you say, " I know you've not been gone that long, and you're doing this for us...but this space is not healthy for us...and yeah we have two kids...but...." See I dont even know HOW to do that. I.dont.know. Our connection is not feeling very strong right now. When he calls me before I go to bed...or leaves a message because I'm already out...I feel so conflicted. I want to tell him how I feel...but I fear what is on the other side of this conversation...I am such a big PUNK! This is life. Raw as it gets for me. This is one of the most REAL situations I have been in. And I'm not dropping the ball...I'm just not doing anything else with it either. Sigh. I guess now would be a good time to pray.

Big azz bug(s)!!!!

So...I go to the bathroom a lot right. TMI? Maybe...but true. So I usually dont acutally LOOK! Cuz its pretty autopilot at this point. Well yesterday...I am about to leave my bathroom and I look down...and to my surprise...what do I see? Well I dont know...but I think it was a friggin cricket or something. It was the BIGGEST BUG I have EVER SEEN INDOORS!! MAYBE EVER!!! The fear gripped my throat, and chest...it was SOOO ugly! Did I mention it was SOOO BIG??? Now normally this is where my high pitched scream comes into play, so that my man will come and scream at me for screaming, while he handles the situation...but...he's in friggin...LOU-EEZ-I-ANA!!! Anger...So I dont know what to do....I dont want any of MY SHOES touching this thing. I'm scared to spray Tilex on it (which was my first thought) What if it can fly? I am going to freak out. Then I hear my son...and out of nowhere...I get courage to KILL, KILL, KILL! I smushed the shit out of it while screaming obscenities at it! Talking about hard to kill. I was so proud of myself...but now I'm wondering how the hell something that big just happened up in my house! Now I'm worried. I wrap the bug in some old stretch pants and throw them away...I secretly call myself the Terminator! I look at Jeremiah, like "Mommy just saved you...and you dont even know it...but you're welcome!" Yeah...I'm the ish!

fast forward 30 minutes...I am going in the kitchen to make My-Mi some milk milk, and mama some Kool-aid! (and yes I know kool aid is garbage) and I hear a chirp. Now its late and I do have the window cracked...but that ish sounded too close. I look in the trash...and who is there..but a-NOTHER damn cricket thing! Its just chillin...lookin at me..like you thought you did something huh? I'm terrified. Dont know if its the same one...or a NEW one. Dont have time to figure it out. I try and smash it with a pizza box. No dice! So after a few minutes of sheer panic, I pour some bleach on it...and then stab it with the broom--REPEATEDLY. I closed the bag and took it out immediately. Praying that it woudl not crawl out of the hole onto my hand...or that it wasnt sending out warning signals in bug...and I would be ambushed by a whole lot of them.

As soon as I got back in the house...I check all the screens with the open windows...no holes. So how did they get in. I am very paranoid now. I HATE BUGS. And I have no idea how they got in!!!

Dear God...what on Your green earth is going on???? If the lesson is to learn courage....then hopefully I passed this test. I would hate to have to move. But I cant deal with this. You KNOW me, better than anyone else. Me no do bugs...so either please keep them out...or make a way for me to move. Thank you. Love.

Keelah

TEN years!!!!!

I am debating on whether or not to attend my 10 year high school reunion. I cannot believe it has been 10 years! TEN! Wow. Last night I went through my yearbook, reminiscing...but honeslty dont have a lot of high school memories...as I was never allowed to DO anything...but I'm working on letting the past go! :) Anyway...I went on myspace just to see what everybody is up to...I was FLOORED by the fact that most people have CHILDREN...like big elementary school children. Like 3rd and 4th graders...at least!! Am I going to go? hmmm...we'll see! But I am doubtful.

Mood: Kinda sad...depressingly nostalgic...wanting to smack someone that keeps working my nerves!

Appetite: Starving, as usual.

Outlook: Not too good. Dont know what my deal is today.

We still cool right?

So this is the deal...I hold a lot in. Well I used to...cuz lately with the heightened sensitivity and all, I notice just how much it takes to sugarcoat things...or try and pretend that things are okay when they are not. I always thought that was a symbol of maturity to deal with life's seeming injustices with a (forced smile)...but lately, I'm just seeing things in a different light. I am very tactful. Its something I pride myself on...A lot of times If I cant find a "light" enough way to say something, I just hold it in. Causing myself, (and now conseqently my child) a lot of anguish. FUCK THAT! I am not going to allow anyone in this world to think they can say or do whatever the fuck they want to...and I will just DEAL! What the hell was I thinking? And the problem is...People EXPECT for me to show up the same way I always have...and that girl is GONE! I am not going to be persuaded to think like the majority! I am not going to feel bad for being who I am. Actually its all good. Because the more honest I am to me...the more honest I can be with my entire world. And the more honest everyone can be with me. My relationships are improving, my attitude seems worse...but thats only cuz I'm facing a lot of oppostion for speaking my mind. Its like some people think I should consider the feelings of everyone else...then me. Ha ha! Not in MY LIFE! In my life...MY shit comes first! The end. I am not going to inconvenience myself so that you feel more comfortable around me. What the fuck kinda shit is that??? If you can't handle me as I am...then whose problem is that? Mine? Sheeeeeyiiid!!!! AAAANNNNNT! Wrong answer...moving right along...la la la!

To my unborn son

I swell with pride and joy and thankfullness as your life expands inside of me. The fear that was there has been replaced with such a profound gratefulness. I am expectant. Your every move STOPS TIME. I dont understand...but I am thankfull. Deeply. I woke up early this morning...before light shone. Just when the crickets began their song. It was just me, you and the morning. You kicked and punched me...and spiraled about...I.just.was. I sat still and relaxed as I could be...as you awakened with the earth. It was a very magical moment. And we shared it...just us two. Thank you baby...for choosing us. Thank you baby...for choosing me. Thank you for all of the joy, blessings, learnings, and TRUTH that you will inevitably bring to this life of mine. Mama loves you. Always and eternally.

Mama's Wittle Man

This is my son...6 months ago! (time to take some more huh?) I love you, Jeremiah!

Take your own advice FIRST!!!!

Now...normally I dont give advice. AT ALL! If I have been in similar situations or believe that life has given me privy information that may be helpful to help you through something...then I will offer you what I have...with the preface..."In my experience"...or soemthing to that effect. I would NEVER tell anyone what they should do...because I am aware that I dont see your life from the broadest perspective. I see it from MY perspective-an outside one. AND, I only see what you allow me to see...Your words cannot help me 'feel' your experience. They can only describe it to me...and I get to interpret that through my FILTERS. Not always impartial...if I must say so myself. So...knowing that I am not always of a clear mind, I just try and listen...and be at least a sounding board that you can bounce ideas off of to fix your own problem...especially when I know that being IN a situation ALWAYS makes it that much harder to actually DO what seems to be the obvious solution. So...that being said...I leave advice to your therapists and people who have control issues. I stay out of that whole thing. However it would be wise of me to understand that not everyone shares that sentiment. Actually most people JUMP at the chance to offer their two cents...and almost everyone thinks that thier advice is worth Gold. I mean its yours right? Of course you do! Hmph! I witnessed a battle of the EGO's this weekend that made me sick! Like literally sick.

Picture it...Detroit...2007...My mom and the oil change guy...going back and forth complaining about the lack of good men/women--BOTH of them pretending to be the victims of some consipiracy for them not to be happy. Somehow..they do everything right in a relationship...but ALWAYS get shitted on...and they fed off of each other...and IT grew bigger and bigger...and so did my RAGE! I kept my mouth shut the ENTIRE time while I listened to them make GROSS GENERALIZATIONS based on their limited experiences, and then justify their wrong behaviour by them. But after all was said and done...they both claimed to LOVE the opposite sex! hahahha I seriously doubt it. Nothing that came out of either one of their mouths had even the slightest tinge of love involved. It was I gotta get you before you get me...cuz I've been gotten before. I understand...you are hurt..but both of them claimed to be healed and to have let go of the past...yet somehow still findin themselves in the same predicaments...and neither had the awareness to question their own roles in that...that IRKED.ME.TO.NO.END. Blame, accusation, he did it, she done it...pooor pooor me! Whenver I'm going thru something...after I vent about the injustices in the world. (dont we all?) I ask...so what is it that is IN ME that is attracting this vile shit into my life??? Usually I come up with something. Not an easy thing to change...but a starting point nonetheless. It was too damn hot yesterday for me to sit thru that...and apparently it bothered me even more than I thought...cuz I still have 'feelings' about it a whole day later. Sigh...me and my damn feelings!

Now dont get it twisted, I did question why I had such a strong reaction to it...(aside from the fact that they sounded sooo DUMB to me) and I'm either still waiting for the answer...or decided to ignore it--cuz I KNOW I dont act like that!! :)

....I wanna be saved!

Before any religious heads come thinking this is going to be a tear jerking post...I meant saved...like Captain Save-a-hoe....(only I'm not a hoe!) Anyway...lately I have been experiencing this feeling that I can only call...unrest. I am far from where I've come...which looking back...wasnt THAT bad a place...but so damn far from where I feel like I SHOULD be.

On my way to work this morning...I was thinking..."Its time for me to make shit happen!" And the thought came out of nowhere...it wasn't urgent, or demanding...it was just a very solid thought floating across my clear mind. And I asked myself..."How you gone do that?" Very logical question from a very logical mind...only thing is...MY MIND...is NOT logical at all! Never has been I have always been able to pull shit out the air, that to most "logical" thinkers didnt make sense...but it ALWAYS worked for me. I can literally 'make' shit happen. I have an ability to put myself in the right place at the right time for a miracle to happen. Some people think I lived in la-la land because I predicted that my life would be a mystical one...and with time and age...I have allowed that part of me to defer to my adult logical mind. Hmmmm? Curious. I NEVER would have expected that. Anyway...once I realized that I had questioned myself...from a very different perspective than I was used to...I asked myself what I was watiing for? And then I started to sing..."A-is-I a-is I should I save her? I wanna be saaaved!" And that is SO TRUE! I am waiting for my mans job to save me...or the lottery...or some other genie type thing that will grant me my every wish...This is NOT who I am. I dont wait on shit to happen...I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN!

This little reminder...was RIGHT ON TIME! I am so thankful for quiet drives to work. In my older years...(if you can consider 27 older)...I have found a way to relinquish myself to such an extent that I dont even recognize the processes that are going on inside my OWN mind! I am not where I want to be...cuz I am not MYSELF. I am living this life of this person...who needs proof and order and guidelines...Up until recently...that was not the case. I believed LIFE. And life proved to me that first comes demand and quickly to follow would be supply. I felt loved and supported. Unconditionally. There was no prerequisite to having my dreams fulfilled...it just happened. Because I WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVED that the world worked that way! My faith was unshakable! It appears to be rickety at best now...but now that I can identify the decline of my magic with my faltering of faith...NOW I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! Isnt that AWESOME I am so excited...cuz I have been terrorized by this fear of opening myself up to my SELF. Afraid that I need the world to corraborate my story...but I so dont! I miss myself. I miss BEING ME! Sometimes so bad...I want to cry. I miss my knack to find that silver lining no matter how elusive. I miss my JOY! I miss my honesty. And by honesty I dont mean as in opposite of lies...I mean my souls integrity. Living from my TRUTH. Living from the center of my chest, W-I-D-E open! Freely. Unashamedly. COMPLETELY! FUCK THE WORLD...AND WHAT YOU SAY! I miss my soul, man. I miss it...SOOO much! Damn I want a piece of chocolate cake!

stuff

So my man came back on Saturday...and it was so nice to see him coming out of the airport doors. He was smiling from ear to ear! It felt good to be missed and to see it oozing all over his face. So far things have been very good. We have been having a lot of fun together, and our son is reacquainting himself with him. Is this bad? I became the new favorite!!! And I loved it! His feelings were a little hurt when our baby cried everytime I left the room...or he would bend over backwards to see where I was going...not contented to be with daddy. He has said mommy more than EVER!!! Am I too excited??!! Yep! Anyway...I guess a month in "baby" is a lifetime! But that seems to be gone now. Now they can chill for minutes before our son calls out for me! Guilty pleasures! So I'm a bad person...pinch me! Well anyway...I am getting over a bad bout of dehydration. Do yall know that ish hurts?? Well I didnt...now I do. I have been feeling pretty bad for the past few days...and just chalked it up to being fat and hot and pregnant...but I was in serious water denial. And it began to wreak havoc on my body--muscle spasms, unable to keep food down (the WORST!) ...I'm better now...but I am tired. I been all playing wifey...cookin and shit! Hahahahhahah...I.DONT.COOK.NO.MO! But since Nard is home...I'm thinking it would be nice to remind him what he is missin....however that cannot continue to go down... I dont have the stamina for all that. There is a reason why I dont do shit...cuz Im tied as hayle! I'm all grocery shopping, cooking, ironing, yep...all these things that have been practically IMPOSSIBLE for me to do for the past few months...now I'm doing them with a smile. AND not drinkin water??? Prescription for DISASTER!!! So I have advised him...that he had his last home cooked meal. Nope not even on his b-day in two days! Pick a place--any place! Not gonna do it. I have been going to bed at 11:00 instead of my normal 9:30 ish...and this is just not working. I dont want to complain..but I am jumping through hoops that my big azz cant fit through right now! Its funny tho...I feel like I did when we first met...trying to put my best foot forward and thangs...Its cute! However after almost 8 years...he done seen my feet in their pedicured glory...and when I look like I have been walking in flour! So what am I trying to prove???? Me feets gets ashy from time to time...and I put a flip flop on em and call it a day! He knows that....so I'mma go head and BE as I am. Non cookin-but ALL EATING! Paper plate and plastic cup usin', corned beef devouring...ME! What is that I hear...the bells of FREEDOM! SMILE--AND ENJOY THIS DAY!

The Case of the Missing Underwear

Okay...so this is CRAZY! I have heard of losing socks in the laundry...but I lost a whole damn load of draws. And they are nowhere to be found. My place is not that big...and picked up for the most part. Yet...when I woke up this morning I had NO DRAWS!! I had my honey check in the dryer...where they SHOULD have been (nope havent learned my late night washing lesson) and he brings up a load of colorful clothing...where my underwear SHOULD have been...but NO UNDERWEAR were in there!!!! How does that happen? So the goose chase begins...I think that maybe I just "thought" they were supposed to be there and they were awaiting a wash...however the only things left unwashed are my comforters. They are not in the drawer...nor in the closet...nor in a pile. Now they could be in the trash...but that is highly unlikely...besides...I'm not going to check. Gargage is thrown out for a reason...if they are in there...they would stay anyway...so to make a long story short...i had to wear a pair of his boxers. I had to cut the thighs...cuz mine are WAAAY bigger than his. They are so uncomfortable. Its official. If I were a dude...I would wear panties. Not briefs...but panties!!! I really appreciate them so much. Their comfort...the way they contour to my body...And since my undies were missing...so was my favorite (read: only) bra. I have more....but they dont fit right. My girls are growing and I have two that fit really well...the rest are NOT OKAY. One would think that I would have bought more...but I didnt think I needed to right now. Once again...joke on me. So in addition to wearing tight azz boxers...I put on a bra that is eons too small...needless to say that it is in the car...good thing I wore a jacket today...which may or may not be concealing the mayhem. sigh...and I dont feel well. I want to go home! And crawl back into bed with my sweetie...who came back on Saturday afternoon. So...I'm hoping that this turkey sandwich will help me feel better...sigh!

A Bear is A Bear...

...No matter what it wears. That is the lesson from a very animated dream I had last night. I am a dreamer. Its something I look forward to every day. The rejuvenation of slumber and the revelations of my dreams. Lately I have had a LOT on my mind. Worries about the future, questions about the questions that I ask myself about decisions that I get to make. Faith, how to maintain it when my world does not immediately reflect the fruition of my deepest prayers. How can I know if what I am going to choose will be the right thing for my family? I have a FAMILY!! When did my ass grow up and have to make decisons like these? And all the while I worry that whatever I choose may not be whats best...some unforseen circumstance will come out of left field and taunt me..."I told you so! Nah nah nah NAH!" Well I have to trust that I have the vision necessary to make the best decisions. I mean if I cant make good decsions for ME then who can? I do not believe that God brings us anything that he has not equipped us to deal with. So I have to believe that if a bear (or challenge) is wearing a dress, that I will not only be able to immediately recognize it for what it is...but respond appropriately to the situation. I have to trust my instincts. I am excited...and nervous! Life is good. Because it IS happening. And Im glad I'm still here to get to live it!

Long azz post...

Well I think I have a friend who has turned on me...AGAIN! During my first pregnancy this friend of mine seemed to be there for me. She was supportive and listened with seeming interest as I went through all of the changes that one goes thru during a time like this. I tried to be considerate of the fact that she did not have children of her own and spare her ALL the gory details that I would not hesitate to share with other mothers. Well just because before I experienced pregnancy, a lot of the details would have been pointless for me to know. Besides there was always this 'feeling' that I had...that just kept me at some sort of distance. I really REALLY needed support during this time...as me and my man were not as tight as we could have been. And tho this was not something that was discussed in depth...this friend knew this. I really tried to reach out and connect to other people, because for the first time in a long time...I knew I NEEDED that. My mom had the been there done that attitude...and none of my other TWO friends had children...so I was pretty much on my own. I joined an online community which was my saving grace during this time. Anyway...this friend was there to offer kind words and her brand of support. I cherished this...cuz if you cant tell...I dont tend to allow people that close to me...

Fast forward a few days (months) I am pregnant again...and I.WAS.TERRIFIED. Life is better for me this time...as I have a CLOSE relationship with my crazy mama, have a HEALING relationship with my man, and by bout with post-partum hopefully is a wrap. But I am scared. At the time my son was only 5 months and my mind is racing with what are we going to do? How am I going to have TWO LITTLE BABIES. This friend knew my feelings and offered me the whole "God" thing like a good practicing Chrisitan is supposed to...but I felt something underneath. Choosing to ignore that I continued through this experience just relying on my families support and encouragement and my sons faith in me. I feel the distance growing between us with every remark disguised as a "joke". I dont really know how to tell her that the things she says are affecting me. As I think a friend would know. The idea of ME being a parent was one that I wrestled with the ENTIRE time I was pregnant the first time around...and you KNOW this...however when YES by my actions and my choice I am going thru it again...you have total disregard for my feelings during this time. I am closing up. I dont want sympathy...because through all the changes of the last two years...I am AWARE that becoming a parent is the single most AWESOME thing that has or ever and will ever happen to me. There is nothing in this world that can compare. I am so thankful for my children and EACH and every experience that the birth of my motherhood has brought to me. No matter how painful (or how much I complained), I am deeply appreciative for the sacred knowledge that only one who has felt the movement of life INSIDE them could know.

sidebar-{And I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL, God. Cuz I know it wasnt my honey's sperm that got me pregnant. It was you. Kudos. Job well done. Hopefully you think the same...}

Anyway...being this as it is...I am still deeply hurt by the changes in this friend. And just in case you are wondering...could it be that I have changed?? Yep! Sure have. The world is mostly about me and my baby now. I have withdrawn...not being funny acting, but just because my attention is constantly drawn to me...I DO have a BABY growing inside of me!!! I do care about whats going on around me...but not as deeply as whats going on within me...as I grow as a mother and a mother to be. This is LIFE CHANGING. I am dying (LITERALLY) as this new being is being birthed. It is nothing short of AMAZING! It is one of lifes true miracles. And most people understand this...and offer me encouragment and if they KNOW then guidance. Not smart azz comments. Am I being too sentimental?? Dont think so....I'm just NOT feeling this. Mood: Happy cuz I'm eating!! :D Sad: cuz another one bites the dust!

Check this out!!

she's so flyy: she was sooo pretty....for a black woman.

I'm going....shopping.this.weekend...sigh

Okay I MUST buy some maternity clothes now! I dont know why I dont like maternity clothes...seeing as though I am VERY pregnant, but I have some type of psycho-somatic avergence to clothes with a big belly part!! When I was pregnant with my first son...I kept wearing my street clothes until I LITERALLY couldnt get them on. I mean I didn the open button, unzipped zipper, the cover up a too tight shirt with a big azz jacket thing. My ass kept expanding...so my shirts got longer. My heels got shorter...but my clothes stayed the same. Weird huh? People started to ask me why I wasnt maternity shopping...and I gave every excuse I could come up with. But I think its just because I dont want to buy these BIG AZZ CLOTHES!! Now my mom thought it was because I didnt have any money...so she tricked me one day saying she wanted me to help her buy something and took me MATERNITY SHOPPING! I bout died! The whole time we were there, my nose was turned up (very ungratefully) and I just felt disgusted by all the panels and elastic...and HUGENESS!!! I felt embarrassed almost. I tried to only buy things that didnt "look" maternity. I wish I could embrace this like NORMAL. But I cant. As soon as I delivered my son, I packed up all my M clothes and gave them to the Salvation Army. Mind you I still have 2 garbage bags of regular clothes that I have been "donating" for years! So when I got pregnant again...so soon after my first pregnancy...the denial is even deeper...cuz I didnt even loose all the baby weight from my first pregnancy. So the clothes that I need are going to be EVEN BIGGER!!! Today I had to literally use a pulley method to get my azz into what I have on today...so my path of denial has come to an end. I must go shopping! My man sent me money to go a few weeks back...and I lied and said I did...so I really have to go...he will be back in 6 or 7 days!!!! I cant let him see me prying myself into these clothes. I am so ashamed--not so much of my body---but of my feelings about this whole thing. Sad part is I got a visa checkcard just to maternity shop...and I have not bought not one thing. its been weeks. NOT ONE THING. I have issues. maybe my shirt is cutting off circulation to my damn head!!! I dont know...but my discomfort today is going to have to trump whatever "issues" I have surrounding this...sigh....Dude! I REALLY need to see if my insurance covers therapy...cuz I'm reading this and I'm like..."THIS CHICK IS OFF!" [insert psycho laugh here]

Repost: Dear Hair

My hair loves me so much. Even on the days where I find it hard to show it love back. When I pretend to be ashamed of it, because I dont think people will understand it, My hair loves me. When I pull it back, because I live under the guise that I am too busy to take the time and care of it that it deserves, still the love stands unwavering.

Dear Hair,
I love you. I know that I dont tell you nearly enough, and by the way that I neglect your needs, you wouldnt think so. But I do. Its just so hard for me to deal sometimes. There is so much going on...and you know you are not the easiest to deal with. I want to do whats best for you...but I just fall short sometimes...okay A LOT! I dont blame you for not putting on a show, I dont do my part--how can I expect for you to perform? I will get better. I promise-PINKY SWEAR!

Dear You,
I love you too. I dont want to stress you out. I just want to remind you that I am not difficult to deal with at all. Your thoughts about me make me seem like mount everest, but its not that serious. Happiness for me is health. Same as for you. I just want to loved, appreciated, touched, watered, fed, and nourished. Give me that and I will show you an expression of love like you have never believed was possible. It doesnt take a lot. It just takes your attention. You can love me during your day, you can love me during your entire life. Just look out for me. Help me to rebuild and stay strong. Keep me out of the winter elements. Make sure that I stay hydrated and moisturized. Wrap me up at night, and keep me detangled--unless of course you want me to do what comes naturally and loc up on dat azz! lol And please dont compare me to anyone else's hair. Take the time to learn about me...I am more than just a reflection of you. I am original and I feel bad when you ignore what is special about me because it doesnt necessarily 'fit' into what you 'think' is the norm. I am beautiful and I know it...and it hurts me when you see my uniqueness as troublesome or a burden. I am as I am. We have a lot in common you and me...and not just our scalp. We have the same needs and the same hurts. So help me help you. Heal me and heal you. I love you. See you soon--hopefully with some conditioner and comb! Love, Your beautiful head of hair

Not again...

Me leaving my mamas house...on my way to..sigh WORK!

My mama peepin around the corner of her porch: They gone think we Jamaican mon!
Me: Why they gone think that? (knowing damn well what she talking about)
Her: Cuz of our hair.
Me: Well "they" should just think we are black! (irritated to no end!)

Me in the car talking to myself...who the hell is "they"?? And why did you grow your fro...if you're going to wear a wig every day? And why are you trying to put your insecurities about your hair on me? MO-THER!! Sigh! I am much too tired for this!

I have been natural for about 6 or 7 years...and for six or seven years I have had to hear my mom ask questions about my feelings about being nappy. And for 6 or 7 years...I have been happy bein nappy! There have been trials, tribulations, permed hair dreams, insecurities surfaced and surpassed. Ignorant comments, militant assumptions and lots of growth...but thats life right? Sigh...Why?

Check out MRS. Chokkk--Doin her thing!

I am so proud of you and happy for you. Go on girl! Circa 90! lol

Welcome to Blogland...Val!

Visit her here: www.specdark40.blogspot.com

Match Made In Heaven

I am so blessed...and I am sure that God perfectly matches children and their parents. Cuz my boy is SO AMAZING! He is only 8 months...but he is fiercely independent. He loves to eat, and tries so hard to feed himself. He prefers forks to spoons (because he already aware that forks grab BIG foods...spoons pick up mush--and mush is for babies with NO teeth, not little men with TWO!). He sleeps well and all through the night! Many a parent is envious of that! HA HA! He doesnt like his diapers and takes them off ALL THE TIME! I know the feeling...when I'm at home...I prefer to be al-fresco also! He knows that when he practices keeping his pimp arm strong and slaps the dog shit out of someone....that a smile and an innocent face rights all wrongs. He knows that he can trust me to keep his sly and knowing smile that emerges later just between us. 'Cept that time he slapped me...didnt like that so much. He is so affectionate...something that he teaches me about daily. He feels you out...and if you're good people you will rewarded with the world's warmest hug! If not...you will know. Try again when your colors are correct. He practices his vocabulary daily...da-da, ma-ma, ba-ba and ya-ya--an occasional gan-ma...and his famous "huh?" when his name is called. He is just so smart and PERFECT! And the most perfect thing about him...the way he loves. I know he remembers how un-swift I was on the mommy thing...but he was patient and encouraging and supportive. And when I got it right...he smiled at me the way that only perfection can and let me know he is proud. The same smile that I gave him the first time he snatched his own bottle and took matters into his own hands cuz I was taking too long. I love my Miah Man...and I cant wait for us to meet his little brother. They are a pair of perfection and I am so thankful that I was chosen to be their mom. Love.

Earth Child

I love the sky
I LOVE the moon
I love midnight blue skies in silence
I love bodies of water...and puddles alike
I love trees
I love wind on my face
I love the smell of fresh cut grass
I love the feeling of the sun on my skin
I love gray skies
I love thunderstorms
I love bloody skies...I just love all skies, really.
I love fire--its grace, its warmth, its power to mold, transform or to destroy
I love love LOVE this planet! Thank you for all of the beauty that you surround us with every moment of every day!

I am inspired...

I am so excited!!! I have lost motivation for a lot of things lately. Well not lately. Its been a progressive decline of caring about things that used to matter so much to me for the past few years. At first I called the bitch depression, now I relize its more accurate to say that I have been living with an opressor. Cuz the problem is never very far from me...ironically neither is the solution. I was in the car talking to myself yesterday (nope havent gotten my car speakers fixed yet...so!) And I was thinking about how often my mom complains that I let myself go...I look at myself. And I'm not SO disappointed with what I see. I mean yes, I could do my hair daily..yes I could keep my nails polished with my crystal clear coat that I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE. Yes I could keep my brows done (and not just reserved for vacations). Yes I can alwayz have me toes tight...Yes I could iron daily...these are things that used to be givens for me...but now its hard pressing to get them done. Why??...partially because of the fatigue factor of back to back pregnancies. I used to try and tell myself that was an excuse...but dude. I am straight up narcoleptic lately. My mind is going...and normally I would think thats kinda fun...but I'm grown and have RESPONSBILITIES!!! and such...anyway...I was pondering how I tried to tell myself that the things I was beating myself up about were superficial...and then my wise and loving self said...they were not superficial. They were bare minimums for my physical confidence in this physical world. I would not be able to concentrate on anything else until I satisfied those urges. They are valid...and are of EXTREME IMPORTANCE. There is a certain standard that I hold myself to...and as of late I have been finding any reason or justification to relinquish control of that satizfation ...only I didnt give it up to anyone else...I just plain dropped the ball. And so now my consciousness is OBSESSED. I am obsessed with my lack of personal care...Please dont confuse this with hygiene...I mean they go hand and hand...but I still washes me ass and brushes me teeth. but I have not strived. I stopped caring...well not really...I just stopped BEING ME. long story short...I went to a website for natural hair that reminded me what it is that I am. And how good it feels to represent that...ALL THE TIME! I'm hoping that I dont get all fired up...and then fall my ass to sleep as soon as I get home...hahahsee but at least the fire is reignited!!! Now I remember what it is that makes me feel so good everyday...it was loving myself enough to put forth the effort to make myself FEEL loved. And taken care of. And appreciated and celebrated and all that good stuff. Its the care that makes what other people give me...icing. I cant wait! I deserve this...we all do. And now I remember...Thank you so much...Prayers really do get answered...Now lets see can I close the circuit by doing my damn hair tonight!

New Ahleans Cuisine

I ate CRAWFISH! Was good! I ate shrimp that had legs and eyeballs on it! Crab legs, lobsters- Was good! Normally wouldnt eat this...but on this particular day...I had been left at the hotel ALL DAY with no food...so I got to crushing shells and chewing meat like the best of em' Ate Gumbo! Was THE BEST! I had seafood gumbo, steak gumbo and turkey sausage gumbo--ALL OF WHICH WERE the BEST FOODS I have EVER TASTED!!!! EVER. I ate at a ghetto place called Manchus--the best DAMN fried chicken I have EVER HAD! I got over my fear of the area as I ate there twice. And had enough for my middle of the night binges...err um snacks! I ate indian food! Never again. Wasnt good...wasnt awful...but not to me likin. Ate McDonalds...just like everywhere else I had tasted it...which is weird and made me think of just how 'scientific' their flavor is. How the hell can any food taste the same damn way no matter where you get it? I am really working on not eating fast food anymore. Cuz that is just...weird! Loved the New Ahleans food. The best was some chicken that my man made! Boy do I miss his cooking! Havent gotten on a scale...but Im sure I did a good 5-10. Sigh! Yes in only 4 days! But I did do a lot of walking...yep! Thats my justificatin and I'm sticking to it!

I'm having....

ONE LITTLE BOY! I was in disbelief over the little penis! For real! I have been saying 'she' for the longest...but He is definately ALL MALE! Everything looks good...he is HUGE! He is already a pound...and he waved at us during the ultrasound. He has really big feet too! His profile looks just like mine! I cant wait to meet him face to face! He is LONG! I'm going to stop eating so much before I have one of those 8 lb. babies that I fear! Well gotta go try and work...(after I visit yall spots of course ;) I'll be back...I know I still havent written about my trip yet...but its just so long...and I'm so lazy. I HAVE to figure out how to get pics off my camera into this site...I have about 6 pictures that could completely sum up the trip! Catch yall later!

I'm back...

and tied as HELL! Somehow we made a 17 hour drive into a 28 hour one! And still I managed to drag myself in today! I will write about the trip later. It was AWESOME! And yeah...We left late enough for me to make my ultrasound...well until tomorrow! Hope you all had a great weekend!

Waaahhhh!

My doc just called and set up my ultrasound for tomorrow afternoon at 2:15..and I am going to be somewhere in Ohio by then. They actually got the ultrasound for the very next business day, cuz doc thinks she is so sure!!! I want to postpone the trip...but we have a long trip ahead of us...and I really misses the Nardster! I have to wait until the 10th! I am so excited!! I would love to go tomorrow and take the good news (or better news) to the boot with me...but instead it will be as I expected...the following week! I am trippin!!! I hope its just one! And I pray that I can maintain a semblence of sanity and grace if there are more than one. May the Good Lord be with us all!

Hearing Double???

I went to the doc on friday...for a regular prenatal exam. I am excited because this is the one where we schedule my ultrasound!!! So we talk...about my 8 lb. weight gain!!! Yep in just FOUR WEEKS. Girl been eating GOOD! OR not...perspective I guess...any way we get to the listening of the heartbeat...and to both our surprise it is LOUD AS MINE!! I'm lookin at her and she's looking at me...I'm thinking..."wow this baby is not shy at all...its like right behing my skin!!" She said..."that's pretty loud huh?". Then she drops the biggest bomb ever on me! I'm going to schedule your ultrasound for next week, I think youre having TW...TW....TWINS!!! [insert open space here] She said...you were feeling movement at 8 weeks! Your tummy is a bit larger than normal, your weight gain IS EXCESSIVE...and I have a set of twins that I am about to deliver next month...and this sounds just like their simultaneous heartbeat. [insert mental picture of me slapping this big ass smile off her face]. She goes on to tell me how she is SO EXCITED!! And she is just grinning from ear to ear! Then the baby kicked...and it sounded SO LOUD! She's like...Wow! They're playing! hahaha So I am not going to freak until after my U/S...It cant be this week because I wont be here, but since she is putting a rush on it, it should be early next week. [EXHALE] Wow! My man sounded excited! My mom is excited. And sadly...I'm wondering will I be able to afford a tummy tuck. Cuz I know that twins are going to rip my shapely abdomen to shreds! Oh yeah...and all the thoughts of having THREE BABIES IN DIAPERS!!! Me!! Three kids!! in DIAPERS!!! bwahahahhahaa God DOES have a sense of humor! He wants me to go crazy early in life, I guess! Well until next week...

Just something I noticed...

Did anyone notice that baby clothes are no longer easy breezy. I mean their shoes have the nerves to have buckles and SHOESTRINGS??? What the??? And their clothes having actual BUTTONS!!! Not snaps covered by buttons...but real...take your time BUTTONS!!! I was ANGRY! And I laughed histerically at myself shopping the last few days...because that was some basic criteria by which I measured a potential purchase, right behind fabric, color, and cheap look factor. And wouldn't ya know...everything I liked the most...was complicated?? Dont these peoople know how often one has change clothes on an infant??? Or do they not care? They just design them...leave the bent back fingers and wiggly arms to parents???

Bwahahahaa Cracking up ay my angry self! She.is.crazy!

A picture..

I have this picture in my mind...of being a wife and mother. Of being a revolutionary, and inspiration. An artist. My canvas and my platform? My life. I see me being relaxed and so deeply alive that my very presence changes the atmosphere to match MY VIBE wherever I go. So that wherever I find my self...I at at home. I see my home being a reflection of the beauty of this world and from within my heart blended together to create a lovely atmosphere where my families bodies and souls can rest and be rejuvenated. Where we live. I see my life being full of riches. Material riches...deep fulfilling relationships, leisure time...to just explore my depths...SURROUNDED by family time. Laughing with my Love and watching and helping my children grow into confident, happy, creative young adults. I see my work being something that MOVES 'me'. Something that fulfills that part of me that yearns to be of service while satisfying the need in me that craves CREATIVITY and FREE EXPRESSION! I see my life...WORKING. For me. I feel a deep thankfullness for the blessing of a life lived from WITHIN. A life truly created JUST FOR ME! I see health, wealth, abundance, peace,joy, love, and gratitude being the foundation on which my life is built. And yes, yall...I know this coming to me NOW!

My task: To stay open and expectant...and courageous in the face of all that I have secretly dreamed, as it makes it way toward me. To remain thankful even in my darkest moments, for when I recognize the darkness...that means it has not taken over all of ME.

Thank you's. Thank you for my vision. Thank you for my dreams. Thank you for my children. Thank you for my family. Thank you for the MEN in my life, who remind me that I am special and worthy of ALL THINGS GOOD! Thank you for the women in my life who remind me that I TOO AM WOMAN! And to those reminders to remember to have faith and look for the best as ~ What I see depends on what I look for.~ (stole that from a calendar!) Thank you for my life...and your highest vision for it. Thank you for my best being your least...I think Imma roll wit chu today! You really do know best! Thank you. 4 everything. Love, me.

WTF is wrong with my layout?

When I look at the layout screen...everything is as it should be...but when I close it ...it looks like this!!! ARGH!

Right or Happy? Do I really have to choose

...so I'm at Bath and Body works...and they have 4 barrels filled with different scents that are 4 dollars each. I am excited! Cuz believe it or not, they are not just the rejects that dont sell...they have scents that I love. So I get 3...take them up to the counter...

Sales Chick: these are not on sale
Me: They were in the basket
Sales Chick: They were?
Me: Yes...and there is not just one or two--there are 30 or 40!
Sales Chick: Knowing what she must do...
IN COMES THIS BLACK CHICK WITH ATTITUDE...
Mean Girl: THESE ARE NOT ON SALE
Me: (responding to her nasty ass tone) They were in the basket...and the basket is full of them.
Mean Girl: I know...I saw that...but these are not the fragrances on sale...somebody mixed them up.
Me: (Wanting to be ferocious, but just getting tired)--There are lots of scents in the baskets labeled FOUR DOLLARS...if they are mixed up then how am I supposed to know which ones are on sale?
Mean Girl- Ask.
Me: Ask? (Me louder)...Ask? Why would I ask when the baskets are ALL LABELED four dollars...that doesnt make any sense?
Inner voice: Raise hell!!! Ask for the manager...You KNOW you are right...and they HAVE to give them to you for four dollars!!! YOU-ARE-RIGHT!!!! Wipe that smug ass smile off her face!!!
Me: Thats all right...I'm tight on these then.
Inner Voice: Tell her ass they should take the signs down then...or SHE should go thru and remove all the ones NOT on sale, cuz you aint the first or the last.
Somebody else is going to win...and you just gave up!! Waaaahhhh! I wanted that lotion!!! YOu are being so soft! Sigh...fine leave!

This was yesterday evening and ever since then...I have been replaying this event over and over, each time saying something differently or MAKING them give me the lotion for the advertised price. Why do I feel the need to make what happened be any different than it was? I had a choice...stand and "fight" to prove I WAS RIGHT! Or just preserve the little energy I had left and move along...to spend the money on my son his first pair of Jordans. I made a choice...I just feel like I punked myself...I should have proved my RIGHTness!!! I am struggling with this because this was yesterday...but I am STILL wishing I would have just went off on her. Why? Because I was right! Right? Sigh.

Questions for today?

1) Why must I feel apologetic...cuz I'm not in the mood for bull shit today?
~ I handle my fair amount of shit with a smile most days, why am I not entitled to just ONE DAMN DAY...where I can allow my mood to reflect the TRUTH of the situation. I know I'm at work...but damn. I am not a robot..and there is only so many fake azz smiles that I can give...right?

Hahaha--okay that is the only question for today. I am not feeling very upbeat today...yes I have my reasons...the extreme heat that blanketed my city last night. My lack of air conditioning. My son sleeping RIGHT.UP.UNDER.ME despite our lack of air conditioning. The fact that I got a whopping 2 hours of sleep last night. I.AM.PREGNANT!! And apparently not one of those bouncy preggos either. And normally,I TRY to shake it off for the cause...however some days that is easier than others. I am sure that I am a grouch (as my family and friends remind me DAILY) But damn...whats wrong with that? Why cant I be MAD AZ HELL sometimes without people trying to FIX me...there's nothing wrong...I'm in a bad mood. Do you not have bad moods? Is it strange to just notice a mood in someone and just let it be? Or should I use all my energy to try and cover it up? SO THAT 'THEY' WILL FEEL MORE AT EASE. What chall think? I smile on cue...do all the professional tricks that I am paid to do. What is the big effin deal???

Hmmmm?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant. People feel like they really don't know the true you... Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force. The Part of You That No One Sees You are aloof, mysterious, and distant. People feel like they really don't know the true you... Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force. Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself. It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose. You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away http://www.blogthings.com/whatsthepartofyouthatnooneseesquiz/ 25 June, 2007 Over the weekend Well this weekend went by too danggone fast. Good news...Before I had to call my landlord for the door...one of my uncles (now upgraded to FAVORITE!) came by and fixed it! Now he came BEFORE 8:00 on a Saturday...but I can forgive that. ONCE. I was so happy, cuz I didnt want to spend any of my trip money on a new door. He got it looking better than new...well actually better than it was before. I am SO happy bout that one. This weekend my baby got his first little tooth-bud!! Which to him must mean...no more baby food. Cuz I swear...he is not feeling it. AT ALL! But he is totally captivated by my food. Sigh. Am I alone...or is it so frustrating having to feed a child who eats off your plate...when you are starving? I have to chew it up for him...gross I know...but haha its not me eating it! So every bit I chewed he wanted...I'm pouting like, "Mommy is hungry too!" Upon hearing that...he took it into his own hands to get it himself. My man is so brave...he is the only human alive willing to sacrifice a limb to put a hand on my PLATE! He is growing up so fast...Well nothing much to report...cept I am tired of 9-5 in it. I came to work, thankful and happy...semi well rested and just bored with this ish. I do the same things EVERY WEEK. Then I get two days off to recoup...just to do it all over again...God...I am ready for my REAL assignment now! Please... 22 June, 2007 Breaking down ALL barriers!!! Okay...So after work, buy my mom dinner...take it over there. Had fun! My son pooped himself out with all of his scooting and rolling. I get a slurpee on the way home. A large cherry one! mmmm [insert perfect evening music here] So later...I take the garbage out (for the first time in like 31/2 years) neither here nor there....Im doin what needs to get done. Feelin good! Go in the house...wash hands...forget my damn slurpee in the car. So grab baby and walks my ass casually out the door...close it behind me...(Shit! Damn door locks behind me!!!) No keys, no phone, no change, no landlords phone number. I am screwed! I go thru something resembling a panic!! What am I going to do? Think think...Usually I call my man right now...or my mama (Yep in a panic--I'm one of those "I wont my mamaaaa!) Have no clue what to do...this boy is heavy...and he is not even helping me by wrapping his limbs around me...he is limp. So I am in the hallway, with my dangling son, my slurpee and nowhere to go. All of a sudden, my chinese food starts to work! (yeah TMI--AND????) My mind is racing....what do I do? I'm a grown azz woman--with a child who depends on me to KNOW what to do...and I'm thinking Please mama read my mind--come and save me. Needless to say...it did not work, tho it has in the past...grrr. So as my stomach continues to turn and make unGodly noises...I come to the conclusion that there is only one thing left to do...break the damn door down!! First I rammed it holding my baby...cuz the floor in the hall is filthy (getting work done)...then I though what if something flew out...I could never forgive myself..so I place him in the mail bin (he did NOT like that)...and proceeded (just like in the movies) to break the damn door down with my pregnant shoulders. It HAD to be hilarious. If it wasnt me, of course. I tore the locks the chains and the whole damn molding off the door! The plan was to fix it back so that it worked and looked good...so much for all my miraculous stunts for the day. It is a HOT MESS! My sister came over and put an ottoman and a tv behind it...and thats holding it...until I call the owner today. I am going to be so embarrased explaining...that I locked myself out, and so I broke the door down. I feel like a damn gorilla! And I dont want to pay for this...I know its my fault...But...dang! Havent I been thru enough already?? lol 21 June, 2007 Guess what I'm doing??? No..not planning what I'm going to wear out of town...nope not planning what to eat IMMEJITLY after work (tho I should be--girl is STARVIN!) I am learning how to add extra stuff to my blog. Unfortunately, I work on a computer all day, but I do not have a lot of 'knowledge' on the how-to's. I love reading people's blogs!! All of my BLOGROLL gets checked daily! Okay...If I am completely honest...several times a day! But after reading Tanyetta's blog...and MONNIE!!! I realize that pictures really are worth a thousand words. I mean, maybe thats the voyeur in me...but I really love to see pics of people and places that are referenced, smiling kids, and just LIFE. I always "claim" that I'm going to add some more 'things' to this page...but never do. Partly cuz my azz is always tired after work, and partly cuz I dont have the web at home anymore...I know, I know the stone age. But mostly cuz I just dont know how. When I was pregnant with my son...I joined an online pregnancy community and they swore I was faking (can you believe people DO that? I mean ugh!) But anyway...one day after it was implied that I might not be authentic...I went to the bathroom and took a pic of my belly (shirt up) from my phone and posted it! Well yeah...that ended that...but I want to add more! I want this to reflect ME and not just my mood swings and psychopathic rants!! :) Hopefully I can figure this out soon. I hope there is a tutorial...I'm not too swift sometimes. Have a great day yall! 20 June, 2007 On my way...!!! So I get a call on Monday evening...from my man. And he is exhausted. He cavalierly tells me..."Oh and by the way...I'm not coming back to Michigan...so I hope you are ready to live in Louisiana." Me: Excitement and terror. I dont know what to think. This has been a dream for so many years, and it WAS the plan. But now that its looming with a certain definateness... (is that a word?) :) I am worried. I slipped up and told my mom...and she went into full fledged guilt trip. What about me? blah blah and her new business? blah blah...and the levies? blah blah...and your FAMILY? BLAH BLAH. I totally understand how she feels tho. Its not like I left for college, I stayed here...I am 27...so I'm guessing she assumed I would always be here...but...fraid not. What am I to do? I feel bad...but at the same time...I have a family of my own now...and the impending SAHM status!!! Which I am totally looking forward to! I have to do whats best for our little unit, right? I mean there is no way in Sweet Heaven that I would stay just because she wants me to...but I feel the guilt just the same. I feel like somehow by leaving I am abandoning her. She needs me...without me...who would she put down to make herself feel better? Sigh. Who else will let her be her miserable self and still love her SO MUCH? Yeah...its good to know you will be missed. But I'm moving!!! So excited!!! 18 June, 2007 Too familiar??? How do you guys about people you know and see in your daily life reading your blog? I feel weird about it. Its not that I lie on here...its just that I am so honest. I dont want people that I have to look at in the face to know what I am willing to tell total strangers. Is that weird? I think so...But it is truth. Some things I admit on here...I would never utter to people in my life...why is that? One I dont think I know anyone who can be objective enough to give me space to be me...learing and growing in MY way. Without telling me how it should be...instead of giving me room to grow in how it is. I also dont like to hear..."If I was you..." That is a phrase that I have heard over and over again in life. And I dont like it. Never did. Never will. That is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. How do you know? You could NEVER be me. You can imagine what it is like to be in my shoes...but you cant know. Even if I tell you. Because words can never truly capture life. Close, but not in its entirety...sigh. I just dont think that people who already have a preconceived notion about you can offer the type of awareness needed to percieve you truthfully.....so if you know me in life...stop reading my shit! If I trusted you like that...I would share this with you. I dont...so quit eavesdropping on my personal shit! (Yes its on the internet...for all to read) But not you! So peace. Go kick rocks! Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) About Me Keelah Detroit, MI, United States This spot is ALL MINE. It is where I come to sort thru all the shit going on in my mind and my life. It is a work in progress as am I. Constantly changing and growing. Ever evolving and becoming better. This is...me. View my complete profile From the darkness ...I emerge! My Daily Stalkees What are men thinking? Travel Diva Tanyetta Shai Natural Muze Is it just me? I love her style! Get Fresh! 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Happy Birthday Jeremiah! One year ago today, I ga... Jealousy Note to people!!! A coca cola bottle or a 2 liter Forgetting Family Values Peace or Denial ►  September (6) ...Speaking of Black Thursday When did I become Misses! I feel wise today......hahahahhaahaaha My New Year Dropped the ball... I cried and cried some mo yesterday... ►  August (12) Need Adjustments... Big azz bug(s)!!!! TEN years!!!!! We still cool right? To my unborn son Mama's Wittle Man Take your own advice FIRST!!!! ....I wanna be saved! stuff The Case of the Missing Underwear A Bear is A Bear... ►  July (15) Long azz post... Check this out!! I'm going....shopping.this.weekend...sigh Repost: Dear Hair Not again... Check out MRS. Chokkk--Doin her thing! Welcome to Blogland...Val! Match Made In Heaven Earth Child I am inspired... New Ahleans Cuisine I'm having.... I'm back... Waaahhhh! Hearing Double??? ►  June (17) Just something I noticed... A picture.. WTF is wrong with my layout? Right or Happy? Do I really have to choose Questions for today? Hmmmm? Over the weekend Breaking down ALL barriers!!! Guess what I'm doing??? On my way...!!! Too familiar??? ►  May (19) ►  April (18) ►  March (32) ►  February (12) ►  January (7) ►  2006 (4) ►  December (4)