If I didnt have the WORLDS BEST KIDS....

I would want to die RIGHT NOW!

Have you ever been so unhappy that you just wanted life to end, so that your soul could be free? Maybe I could live another life, in a another universe. And in that universe...I'm okay, just the way I am.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I do. I KNOW this. But I cannot lie, even after looking at all these things, this terrible unhappiness is doing me in. I just dont feel like living much anymore. Usually being at work intensifies these feelings. Not that I dont like what I do...but because I dont want to do it right now. Does that make any sense. My job is fulfilling in a lot of ways... but my soul is just so restless playing small. Yet, I'm terrified of revealing my true nature. I'm so tired of being afraid, but I cant shake this feeling. This monkey on my back is gaining weight. I am not getting stronger carrying all these burdens...I am being worn down. I have visions of a happy life, a fulfilling life, a truly blessed life. And in some ways, I honestly do believe that it can be mine...but will it? In my heart, I dont believe it.

I believe that I am destined to do what I think others expect of me... be a burdened broke down single mom. Eventually running from man to man, searching for the love that little girl Keelah never got from Daddy. Trying to be all that mama tried to make her be. Trying not to repeat the past, but living the predestined role without opportunity for change.

I either starve my sorrows, or compulsively feed them.

I either ignore them, or chief and listen to them.

I know who I am...but I cant live it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so damaged...how can I fix it? Is it even possible?

I'm good people, I know it! But I'm so afraid. Of life, of love, of success, of failure. I am LITERALLY scared to breathe!!! (I hold my breath MOST of the time)

I feel like I am suffocating in this life! Literally unable to function... I want to go lay down under the covers and cry til I cant cry anymore.... but I cant even do that right!

I need an epidural...removal of all pain... I'm tired of being hurt... I'm just so, so tired.

My sons deserve better than this... but I am not better than this...and I'm all they've got!

I need a shot of faith...in the vein. I am dying today.... but the tragic part is...I will probably live until tomorrow...to suffer all over again. But if God is so gracious as to take my spirit from this wretched existence...then will my sons even know how very deeply I love them? How I pray so deeply that my love for them is enough... How I pray every night to wake up different. For them. To feel that I deserve them.

But...alas...I woke up, (late again) still this FUCKED UP MESS! God...why are you not ending this misery??? Why? If you love me so much...why not just KILL ME NOW!!!?????

I cant do this for much longer...I.just...cant!

Random Thankfullness

I used to doubt that God really REALLY heard me. Because I expected that things would work out the way I saw fit. Well... lately, that has not been the case, but now that I am awake, I can see the perfection! I am in awe...again!

Due to economic times, and the recent dissolvement of my relastionship and just... life, I have been a bit less fortunate. I have fallen behind on bills, cried myself to sleep countless nights, wondering how the hell did Wakeelah end up in this predicament? As you can see, sometimes I really do think highly of myself. I'm much too smart to end up like this right? Well...whatever...here I am. And in this place, I learn what it means and feels like to have faith, to know that in the midst of the perfect storm, I can and will come out unharmed, unscathed and actually stronger than I was before. I learned the true meaning of humility, and how to appreciate the growing pangs that come with leaving your comfort zone and exploring a different 'style' of living. I am learning how to truly find myself, amidst all of the things that I thought was me...I am understanding responsibility, surrender, and compromise on a whole different level. I am learning that life may not look how we think it should, but by paying attention, the lesson will be CRYSTAL! The experience is always PERFECT for developing or revealing that elusive quality that we all strive for. I am living with an increased amount of peace and its wonderful! I am thankful...and the fruits of my acceptance:

A friend of mine gave me a beautiful Christmas Tree so that my children and I can actually have one this year!!! It even has decorations and lights and everythign to put on it!

I received countless gift cards to places from grocery stores, to dept. stores, to home stores so that I can improve, decorate and revamp my environments, myself and my family. I can even use them to buy a few gifts for people who I would otherwise have not been able to shop for.

I have a strong plan in place to pull us out of this financial situation...and my business plan is almost complete...and its looking REALLY OPTIMISTIC!! I even have my first client already!

My relationship with my kids dad is much better, now that we are 'friends'. Still feels strange, but I cant deny the amount of respect, laughter and lightness that accompanies our interactions nowadays...as opposed to constant complaints and 'sighs'!

My children are absolutely PERFECT in every way. They are well behaved, smart as ever, and they are genuinely GOOD PEOPLE! Yes...we made them!

My backbone is becoming more and more apparent and I love the way that I am forcing certain people in my life to adjust to 'how it is!"... I'm gonna smile, cuz I deserve to!

God is LOUD!!!! Not just a whisper or an afterthought...I am fully aware of our connection most of the time now!

I have friends!!! I am not sure how to trust them, or confide in them, or even how to utilize their presence in my life...but dammit!!! Ive got people in my life who REALLY REALLY care for me--as I am. I wonder would they still care if they knew.... SHUT UP VOICE! THEY DO!

I feel bummy on the outside, but absoluelty beautiful on the inside...because I really am blessed!

Sadness is as it is....

Today it is nonexistent, cuz I know who I am...and from whom my sustenance comes. Thank you!

Love Always and First!!

Keelah

Happy FIRST Birthday Xavien!!!!!

You are the bestest little boy in the world!! Mama loves you very much! Cant belive its been a WHOLE YEAR!!!

Few other Pics of the Birthday Boy and our family

Mistakes...Yes already!

I ate 3 cookies yesterday eve. I know, I know...it was a test...but they were my auntie Mary's homemade oatmeal chocolate chip boys (coincidentally she brought them over the DAY I decide to change)...and I resisted them forHOURS!!!! Then I decided...just 'taste one'.
Was that me or the addiction?
Hmmm....either way I did...and that quickly turned to 3. They were DEEEELISH! Must ask her what form of CRACK she put in them??? Everyone in my house kept gravitating to them...but sigh, everyone is not chanigng their eating habits...I am! I get it.

Lesson learned: When you feel the temptation.... counter that! I SHOULD have removed them from my sight. Instead, I kept them on the counter, so every time I went into the kitchen...there they were there...whispering softly in my ear..."Taste me...I'm so gooooood." The sound was so seductive, so enticing, so completly romantic. Promising me delectible pleasures that I could only imagine...


And they did not fail to deliver.

Moving along....Today is a GREAT day!!

Breakfast: Oatmeal w/ honey--1 boiled egg white
Coffee

Lunch: chicken, brocolli and potatoes w/ onions

Snacks: Grapefruit, celery sticks, 1 boiled egg

Dinner: Chicken and whole wheat pasta and broccoli

Snack: NOT COOKIES! Pinky swear!! :)

Everyone have a fab day!

Tomorrow never comes...

There is only today. What have you done today to make you feel empowered?

I decided last night that I am going to lose 45 lbs. by May. 9th.

So in lieu of MY decision, I got back out of bed, and packed my food for my workday.

Break-Oatmeal w/raisins, 1 boiled eggs
Snacks-celery sticks, boiled egg, grapefruit, 1/2 of a sm. baked chicken breast
Lunch-Green salad w/ carrots, bell pepper
...and my walking shoes!! Cuz on my 30 minute lunch, which is barely enough time to eat, but PLENTY of time to walk...Im workin it out! I'm done pretending that there is nothing I can do about my predicament...there are many things I can do! Just have to decide to do them...

This time, when I fall off...I will E-N-J-O-Y every moment of the slip up before getting back on track. Shit dont stop! Neither does the kid! I am done with being overweight! Just fed up...LITERALLY! Time to make space...cant be truly satizfied, if I'm always sabotaging my most basic efforts of getting my physical life in order. I love me! And I want the best for me! Time to give myself the best that I have to offer. So that as my cup runneth over, I have my BEST to offer those who depend on me and who look to me for a source of inspiration. Time to quit playing small and embrace this HUGE destiny that I know is mine! This 45 lbs. is actually my New Years Resolution. And I am starting TODAY!

I figured why not start now and have the foundation of the habits I want to cultivate in myself in place by the first?

Love Always FIRST AND FOREMOST!

I wish...

That I was able to be fabulous! That I had plans for Thanksgiving tomorrow...that I was inviting over loved ones for a lovely dinner, with beautiful place settings and could be confident that the atmosphere would be filled with lots of love and happy times. Unfortunately, this time of year is very painful for me. Its sad and lonely and I always feel so isolated and disconnected, even when I'm surrounded by people. I get lots of invites, but I dont fit anywhere. And the holiday season reminds me of that painfully. I have two children now...I can start a tradition for us. I can make my home where I fit...right? *Sigh* maybe next year. This year I'm a day early and several hundred dollars short! Melancholy has grabbed my azz again... Get.off.my.ass.bitch!!!! I'm trying to be HAPPY!!!!

Let me, let me UPGRADYA!

Lately life has been coming together in such a FABULOUS way! Life is still hard at times, overwhelming being a single parent and mentally draining as I transition from being sleepy and disconnected to waking up and taking full responsibility for this experience...but wonderful just the same.

I have been using tips and tools that I read about on other blogs or magazines and can honestly say the improvements are really great!

The last thing that I am able to work on is myself. Not just because it takes money to upgrade...but because it takes time, energy and a certain level of self knowledge...and most times I dont feel like I have enough.

Last night, after I put my little bundles of pure Energy to bed, I began straightening my home. The way you leave your home before you go to bed, is the way you will wake up to it!
I was blessing everything as I rearranged and purged clutter, I wondered would I ever get to look out at life and see my dreams manifest...I know I will, but sometimes I just dont see a way.
Then out of nowhere...I asked myself..."Self...what would a totally FABULOUS woman do if she woke up and found herself with your life?" When I looked at it from that perspective, suddenly things didnt look so bleak. As a matter of fact it looked ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC! When I looked at it from a higher perspective, I realized that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I have to just learn to appreciate it and 'work it!' as is.

I have a great(ish) place to live, I have good food to prepare and offer as nourishment to myself and family. I have a job that pays me to develop and use skills that will serve me well in all of my future endeavors. I have family that helps me to organize and maintain my life. I have friends, old and new, who help me to always see the best that life has to offer us, and helps me to be my best self. All of my relationships are improving, and for those that dont seem to be, the dialouge is much better! I feel more empowered, less overwhelmed, more beautiful, less stressed, more optimistic, less depressed. I feel like the possiblities for a GREAT life are endless!!!!

I can honestly say with certainty, that I AM BEING UPGRADED! Life has not changed externally so much yet, but the shift within is noticable and such a comforting thing!

My awareness is much greater, and my mind is much clearer and my energy less choppy and abrasive . I have a plan for work, and I'm working my plan! As a result, my children are more at ease, happier and more excited. The biggest and best thigng I could have done is decide not to wait on life to change....but to go on and CHANGE MY LIFE!

I am so thankful for the Lord literally answering each and every prayer that I have ever set before Him. My confidence in our relationship is more real and makes it easier for me to let go of some of the thoughts and behaviours that keep me bound to old played out ideas about myself and life in general.

I thank you for NEVER giving up on me, even when I flipped you the BIRD because I thought you didnt know what you were talking about. Our friendship is my most cherished and I am thankful to be one of your beloved. I am thankful for the children you are allowing me to raise for you. And I'm thankful for the extra love and support that you have offered my way, so that during the darkest and more frustrating moments of mommy-hood, I had the resolve to never give up. Stop, breathe, regroup and get back in there! I love you so much! words are never enough to express my gratitude for you helping me to elevate my mind, and evolve my heart...to be closer with you! You are my reason, my alpha and omega....and even when my my bottom lip pokes out and my defensiveness begins, I want you to always know that! You are appreciated! God you are the best!

A Love Affair....

I love me some me! I have been loving strong on my body...and its inherent femininity.
She is so beautiful, so soft...so womanly. The rolls on my back are bothersome most days, but not today. Today...they are just reminders, of where I have been less than loving to myself in the past. They now serve as indicators of my progress moving forward. YES I CAN.

My heart is in a perpetual state of unrest. But beneath, is the an unending supply of peace that comes from the knowledge that everything has a season...and I feel deep within the depths of my loins (do I have loins?) that my harvest is upon me. I feel that everything that will encourage me to feel whole and complete, loved and supported, strong and powerful, open and surrendered is on its way. It is seeking me with the same, if not more fervor that I am in seeking it. Quiet Excitement is the theme of life right now.

I am in a good space, where my 'flaws' are okay. Everything needs love...everything flourishes under its influence!!! Surely the things that I consider less than optimal about myself and my life are governed by this cosmic rule. Surely mySelf will benefit from love instead of my constant complaining.

I dont have much money, no clothes that I consider FABULOUS, no beautifully decorated home of my own, no distinct personal style, no nothing that I think would make life more 'sparkly'...but I do have myself. And in myself, in my unrefined form, lies infinite delicious possiblities...and thankfully I can feel the fullness today! I dont know how some days I am filled with despair, and then days like these I am able to compartmentalize that...well better yet, keep it in perspective, while acknowledging all the GOOD that exists EVERWHERE...but it is so...and for this I am so thankfull!

Oooh Today is such a succulent day!!!!

Manifest

This is a call to be the best that we can.
This is a call to be better women and men.
This is a call to dream bigger than ever before.
This is a call to step up and receive more.
This is a call to drop the past and leave it be.
This is a call to heal our history.
This is a call to say, "Look the dream has been made real!"
This is a call to say, "This time, its the real deal"
I am so thankful to be alive to see this. I am glad that my parents are alive to see this. I so glad that my sons are here to see this. I am so glad that finally, finally there is some semblence of equality in America. Finally, I can HONESTLY SAY, that home is a place where man is judged by the content of his character and not by apprearances. I have waited 30 years to feel like America is my home. I have waited to see my beauty reflected back to me as more than an afterthought. I have waited to see 'different' ideas be embraced in such a cold and dogmatic place. I have waited...patiently...and that time IS COME! Yes we ca, yes we did! and Oh yes! WE WILL!
I accept the challenge...do you?
AMEN

Proud to be an American!!!

Thank God for today! What is unfortunate is the 'vibe' that I am being met with. Damn shame. But oh well! Whaddya do? I dont understand what the big deal is...How can you treat a 'friend' so foul because you dont like what is going on politically? I am not going to let this change my spirit and hopefully it wont change the way I feel about certain people as a whole...but I have never in all my years, felt as awful as I feel. Good thing its a GREAT DAY to be an American! And I will allow the love for my country to lift me up during this time of readjustment! God Bless America!

Today is the day...

I am so excited about today!!! I am so glad that I already got my vote in! The line was long as hayle at 6 AM. Yes I was up and dressed and OUT of the house before 6!!! For those who know me, that is a feat! I met some of the nicest people you ever will meet. The energy in the air today is electric!! Positive, hopeful and optimistic!!! I will remember the essence of this day forever!!!! It's always so lovely to be in the presence of beauty. And YES we ARE beautiful..., when we come together for a common cause. The movement of humanity, the spirit of change! I LOVE LOVE LOVE today!! And everything that it signifies. Either way, today is a GREAT DAY!

Concerns...

Sometimes life is so confusicus to me. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some days I'm on the ball...Most days I cant find the friggin bal at all! And if I do, how the hayle am I sposed to balance my big ass on a ball without deflating it! I have been blog hopping around...this time to Mommy sites, because I find myself becoming more interested in community and fully living and celebrating life, not just for me, but for my babies. I want to expose my kids to the fun lives that I see all these other moms participating in. But its like, I feel so inferior in that way. I'm not much fun and I dont have that 'mommy creativity' gene that lots of moms seem to be innately blessed with. I have only been a mom for two years, but I feel like I suck in a lot of ways. Like my kids are still mostly jpegs. I didnt decorate for halloween (tho I did get them two little pumpkins!) ...Maybe I'm just having one of those days. I just dont seem to 'get' how to be a woman, a mother, and the primary care-giver all at once. The order just seems so tall...and tho I'm almost 6 feet..sometimes that just doesnt seem tall enough!

I am a single mom as of the last two months, and I dont want to use that as an excuse, (but its just so darn convenient sometimes)
I have a great 'partner', who when I'm in my right mind (and not living through these damn emotions) is the best person to have in my life right now. He has awakened and the light of God is shining all up and through him . He's on fire and determined to carve greatness out of the past bad decisions he has made. He credits me with his 'awareness' and I must admit, that feels good! He wants to be a better man, (albeit not for me, but that here nor there) and I hope that I can stand right beside him (as his 'friend' sigh) while he moves to greatness!

HMMM....dont know where this post got sidetracked..but I guess I want to be better too! Just have to keep my eyes on my prize and not pay attention to what my emotions tell me I'm missing. I have dreams and goals and....

Hopefully this mood will pass and I will regain the clarity of belief that I can achieve all that I envision!

Letting go....again! LOL

Happy Pumpkin day!

WOMAN

For a sensual woman, foreplay happens all day long. Indulging in the senses is something that occurs all day, every day! There is little to no separation between living life and making love. When the opportunity arises, the sensual woman is always open, ready and available.

The feel of the clothes on her skin, the scent of her perfume, the movement of energy in her body, the strength and poise of her form is deeply within her awareness all day. It is a joy to simply to be a ‘woman’. She enjoys the simple pleasure of being able to inhabit the feminine energy permeating her entire experience of life.

Her life is infused with the energy of preparedness; and with earnestness she builds her home to support love, harmony, and rejuvenation. Simply being in her presence is healing and expanding. She laughs easily and is in a permanent state of deliciousness.

She is hardly ever stressed and loves to love. To give love is a pleasure and to receive is DIVINE!

Shame? Guilt? For HER desires…LAUGHABLE! She loves to get her needs met, which why she arranges her life to provide TOTAL SATIZFACTION!!

Truth is the nectar that oozes from her lips; Sweetly melting the walls of illusions that clouds the minds of fellow spirit beings. Drawing to her, honesty and truth in kind.

She sits like she knows the secret and that is because she does. She is prudent in her demeanor, but her depth is OBVIOUS! Without saying a word, you understand. This moment is a gift. You are in the presence of…WOMAN!

Healing is quite a strange process

Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel empowered as I step out in this new life. Despite all the changes and the fears and the residual pain...I know I can and am doing it!!!
Some days, I feel that pain. The pain that losing the familiar leaves behind. The questions start to flow automatically..."what ifs", "coulda, woulda, shouldas", "blames and faults"...
I vacillate back and forth between confidence and freedom, and lonely thoughts and the insatiable urge to run back to what I know. Begging re-entry into the past!
But deep in my heart, I know that what I know isn't the same...and it isn't for me anymore. Because despite my best efforts to remain the same...I am changed. I am change-ING! I am evolving, such a wonderful work in progress, If I must say so myself.
What was...is no longer... what can satisfy this urge. I yearn to deepen and expand and encompass and inspire. I cant do that clinging to that of late. I cant do that paralyzed by the fear that always accompanies change. I have to, for the sake of fulfilling myself, step out on the faith of the smallest voice in my mind...to TAKE what is rightfully mine! Today is a GOOD day!
Stride cant be stanker!!! Oooh wait...or can it???? Stay tuned!

Be blessed and live delicious lives.

Keelah

Let it go....

Healing is a natural result of being wounded. In every sense of the word. Be it physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual. The existance of a wound necessarily means that its healing is also in existence.

Somtimes we dont realize this because pain we feel from our initial wound, or the residual feeling that we get when someone touches our private soft spots hurt so bad, that we feel we will be there forever. That is NEVER the case. The only reason anyone can stay in any type of pain is becasue on some level we have not let go of our 'attachments' to the painful part. There is an evolution to everything, and after pain, comes resolution. NO matter what the situation, this is the case. We would be best to realize and fully accept this.

When something hurts, feel it. Feel the hurt. Acknowledge the hurt...as fully as you can. Then let it go so that Life/God's cleansing energy can come thru and do what it does best. Heal. I dont believe time heals wounds, I believe wounds heal themselves...as long as we dont 'keep' them and make them our own. Thats the problem, most of us experience and injustice and then instead of letting it go, as a part of life. We hold it and coddle it. Keep it close to our chests. We talk about it, stew in the energies it manifests, share our stories with ourselves and preferably with others. We ponder it, think upon it, research it and try to 'understand' it. We give it the attention that we offer our most cherished love. We constantly seek clarity on the situation when the most important fact is already clear. You hurt. There is nothing to understand. It is... That is all! Let it go!

Today I am grateful...

I have been doing something called Rampaging...Its basically writing down things you are grateful for as often as you think about it. I am always amazed at how many things that tend to slip beneath the radar of my awareness on any given day. Usually I feel very good, but today I'm a lil slow on the uptake, so I will use rampaging to bring me back into focus.

I am thankful that my car is holding on long enough for us to get another one.
I am thankful that I have a job to go to, that I enjoy, am good at, and that pays me for my time spent away from my darling children.
I am thankful that I have a CLEAR vison of what I am creating in my life. There is no more muddy confusion about where I am going or how I'm going to get there. It is already done!
I am thankful for communication and acceptance. I am flirting with mastery (imo) in both arenas! Go me!
I am thankful that I am getting better at womanly things. Not perfect, but I am super appreciative for the apparent progress that I am seeing from paying more attention to feminine qualities.
I am thankful that my life is being recreated and I KNOW that when its all settled, it will be filled with true love, good friends, good times, and MUCH PAMPERING!
I am so thankful for Jesus. He really is my homeboy and is helping me to lift up, when I am tempted to feel down! Good looking Hay-seus! (inside joke, lol)
I am thankful for the moments in life where I am truly alive! When I am 'plugged in', I feel a part of the entire fabric of life, and it helps when I begin to feel lonely or chronically misunderstood.
I am thankful for the pain that I feel...it offers me a wonderful contrast for the joy that is emerging in my life! It keeps me humble and in this delicious state of thankfulness.
I am thankful that even though I have COMPLETELY fallen off the whole 'diet' wagon...my body is still striving towards homeostasis! Gotta love the natural flow of the universe. Always lifeward--NO MATTER WHAT!
I am thankful for the deepening of my spirit! I had been feeling pretty surface for a while, since I decided to put a happy face on everything. But in the moments in the still of the night, when its just me and God...I can release my 'organicness' and just be me...the totally un-cut, raw, stripped to my core...ME! We all need a space to feel ourselves on that level.
I pray for courage to live from that space, because while its often uncomfortable, it is always genuine...and TOTAL HONESTY and full disclosure of spirit is my only goal in life. To live as I am...straight, no chaser.
I am thankful for unconditonal love. It exists! Sometimes, I dont allow it, because it doesnt come from where I want it to...or look how I think it should. But I have it, and I know it!
I am thankful for friendship. I went a long time denying my need for friends, but without them, my life would be emptier, colder and less 'comfortable'. I anticipate the day when I can fully express to all of them how much they mean to me, without feeling so...weak.
All in all...Its all good! If you made it this far, thank you for listening. Much love!
Keelah

Hi!!!! My name is...

Keelah!!! Have a great day!!!!

The Message...

I was waiting at the light, half sleep, half angry that I had to leave my house feeling like this...and I see him. You cant tell by the pic, but man was FOINE!!! Thats neither here nor there, but just WOW!!! I loved him. And am so thankfull for the reminder. Needless to say, I stopped complaining and sung for the rest of the ride!!!

MMM-MMM Good!!!

I dont need to possess you
to en joy
The precious moments where time
comes undone
For us to be-come
togetherness
Until....

What is that???
I dont know...just something I was thinking about. I usually get so caught up in ownership and labels, that sometimes I miss the gift. Its not always about saying, "Thats mine!" Sometimes its about sitting back and basking in the glow or warmth or pure joy of what is...at this moment. Not tomorrow or even afterwards. Sometimes its okay to stay RIGHT HERE. And open up to as much joy as the moment will offer you. And let tomorrows worries fret themselves. I like that! Yes...I will live like that! Cuz I CAN!!!

Daddeeeeee

I love my father. He was taught that a man should deny himself and all of his needs and WORK, WORK, WORK. By any means necessary. At the expense of time spent, love shared, anything. He retired and now, he has to LOOK at the life that his beliefs have created for him and its depressing. He doesnt eat, doesnt do anything. His response daily to my ,"How are you?" is ALWAYS, "The same as everyday" with much sadness. He has only one reason to live and thats to fulfill a commitment he made to his departed mom to look after his cousin. He makes the bus trip daily to sit with her as she is bedridden. His voice is fading, his drive to live almost gone. I fear that when she goes, he will too. He asked my son if he would 'REMEMBER GRANDPA'. That hurt me to my core. He is preparing us. He is telling us that he no longer wants to be here. And I dont know what to do. His life is teachig me so much about the nature of REAL LIFE. And I hurt because I cant 'change' his mind for him. But I would love to tell my dad, in a way that he can receive that its never to late to enjoy life! That your deepest innermost dreams deserve to become manifest! You dont have to settle for a a life surrounded by people who dont value or give you the love your heart desires! You are a wonderful person with wonderful gifts to share, and we LOVE YOU!! No matter what happened in your past, you are TOTALLY LOVABLE NOW! And honestly, we always have. It hurts me that you see no way out of the prison of your mind. I want you to be here to walk me down the aisle. I want you to bore your grandchildren with your stories on your SUPERB work ethic! I love you daddy! No strings attached. I dont want anything from you other than your presence and your happiness. You give so much and dare to ask for so little. I want to see you DEMAND your worth. I wish that all the things you have locked up in your body be FREE! If necessary, I am willing to miss you eternally for you to find that peace, as I know living here is hard. Please know that you taught me more than you could ever know! And I am always thankful for you! My sons will KNOW the great man that is their Grand Pie! Love Always,

Keelah

Hand me downs...

Life sucks!!!

I got an email that read...Who sets the standards that you live by? This is a question that not many people in my world ask. Me being me...I have and do! REGULARLY! I need answers, because my mind creates in me an endless amount of questions. Always has. Hopefully always will.


I look at a few of my loved ones...and I realize that they are WONDERFUL! They really are. But I have noticed over the course of my life, that more than not...they are not free. And THAT is why my apparent freedom was met with so much resistence growing up. They didnt want to stifle my creativity. They didnt set out to 'kill' the very essence of the thing that made me, who I am. They simply were passing along a set of "RULES" that they were taught, and couldnt understand how I didnt accept them as easily as they obviously had.

I am not built to just ingest everything I'm fed. It wreaked havoc during my childhood. It made me seem rebellious, when I was simply making decisions based on what was in my heart...not fed into my mind. I 'thought' about what was real. I felt inside when I didnt know the answers. My natural proccesses are tools that actually serve me well and I was bascially brought up in a world, where adults told me they knew more than me, so I should simply get with the program! I conformed to the extent that I had to to ensure survival, but my soul was NOT HAPPY about it.

I say all this to say, that work til you die, or retire (same thing) was something that was drilled into my head.
Never call off, vacations are for the weak.
Sacrifice yourself and anything resembling YOU,for your children.
Please those around you, it will make people like you.
Speak when spoken to...be seen and not heard.
Wear your hair long and straight. (men like that)
Sit like a lady. (lol)
Dont wear a ponytail every day...what kind of man will want that?
Appearances dont matter...(huh?)
Keep this clean (dont you want a husband one day?--there were plenty of these, usually from unmarrieds...hmmmm???)...

The messages I received about dont you want a husband one day confused my young mind the most, because usually in the same breath I would hear: "Black men aint shit!" or "Your daddy dont care about us!"
I would hear how my grandaddy predicted the AWFUL day, which of course was right on time for my generation, when women would not be able to depend on their men! Women would have to do it all. And in my family...so they did! And as a good 'follower', so do I!

I accepted at a young age that I would be a single parent, and I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that that contributed to the events that play out in my life today. I am fulfilling the prophesy that was spoken over my young eager mind, so long ago. I couldnt rebel against everything.

I realize that what you speak over your children MOLDS them. I am thankful for this knowledge. I speak nothing but affrimatives for my children. Everything I fear for them (and there are plenty), I affirm the TRUTH. NOt my truth, because I see a lot of "my truths" are janky hand-me-downs. I affirm the HIGHEST TRUTH that my mind can imagine. Because even though I fell off for a good part of 20 years, I KNOW that I am here for a reason...and I know that the way I am in the deepest parts of me, has a big role to play in that.

I am thankful for the experiences that I have had. All of the seeming opposition and failures, heartbreaks and tribulations actually strengthened me...not killed me as I believed yesterday. I am still here...and I still believe in LOVE! Even in the midst of the darkest storm. I know that what I think and how I dream has a DIRECT effect on the life I live! And ultimately the way my children will allow themselves to think and dream. I love life! And this is NEW again, to me. I dont have to live the life that anyone else chose for me. I may have when I was 10, but I dont know. And I wont. I am ALIVE!!! And I am AWARE! And that mechanism in me that drives me to strive for the best is once again functioning at a working level. I am on my way back...Thank GOD!!!

I'm just sayin.....

If you smoke and develop a nasty cough...its related to the smoking.

If the doctor advises you that it will eventually become emphysema, he is not being mean...he is being FACTUAL. Smoking causes a host of illnesses. Emphysema being one of them.

If you dont work out, and eat TERRIBLY...you will not drop pounds. No matter how old you are, how many children you have or what medication you are on. No movement and bad food=weight gain or at best weight maintenance.

I am not speaking from Ego here, I am speaking from experience.

So please, PLEASE forgive me if I cant indulge in conversations such as the above. I am currently trying to change my OWN mind about such subjects, therefore I can NOT indulge your avoidance of your responsibility. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Keelah

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Havent been on in a while. I am lurking nowadays, commenting here and there. I am not depressed or anything like that. Just letting myself settle into my new life. No new HUGE developments. Life is undeniable moving along smoother than it used to. I'm 29 today! Thats exciting!! Have a FAB day all!

I hurt...

I hurt so bad. The more that time goes on...the more I hurt. Its not like normal, when you break up and then take time to grieve. Each time I look at my childrens' face, I see him and I see our failure. I see the moments in the past, where we should have let it go...or actually made a change...but instead, we continued on as if somehow time would improve us. I really thought we were going through a 'bad patch'. We are not. It is over. For EVER.Sigh.

I listen to him. He has valid issues. I dropped the ball in a lot of ways. I hurt him too! Its not all about me. He feels that he played himself...He feels that we should have been over. The last attempt at 'us' was because of our children.

"I love you, he says, but when you gave up on you...it turned me off. You no longer cared about yourself, or me, or US. You always give up. You left me years ago..."



You know what? he may be right. If I look deeply enough, I will see that my actions state EXACTLY that, but my heart says something completely different. I simply withdrew because I know I had ish to handle within myself. But there is no way to go back in time and right the wrongs that happened.

Guess from here I learn and live. And move on.

God that hurts. The touching of my soul. The revelations. The truth. It makes me hold my breath to stop the pain. It makes me cry until I cant anymore. Every night. It makes me doubt my worth. It makes me feel so abandoned and unlovable. It makes me think its all my fault. It makes me worry that I will never find anyone who 'gets' me. It makes me think that I am going to be my mother.

I am in fact repeating the past. I am a single mom of two kids, just like she was (at least she was married to my dad, though) I too am closing my already hardened heart even more, to try and deflect some of the intensity of the pain I feel. I dont want to hurt forever. I want to let it go...but.I.cant!!! I try and get him to say hurtful things, so that I can hate him and use that hate to facilitate healing...but it is only hurting more. Help.

Questions on my mind...What does she do, that I couldnt? (pointless question that simply makes me feel worse)

Why couldnt we both just 'work it out'?

Why does this seem to be affecting me WAAAY worse than it is him?

How can he just try and fill my spot so quickly?

I hate him. I really dont...I love him. And I admire him. And I have to release him. He is not mine.

Please God, ignore my cries for reconciliation. I still believe in this process. Even when I feel like my heart can take no more, and my mind is filled with tormenting thoughts and images, I believe that this is right. I believe that I can and will love again, once I heal. I believe that I am in the fire of healing right now. I believe that one day, we will have the best relationship ever! We will do so for our children. We will share a genuine love, (albeit not romantic) and still exhibit respect for each other. My children are loved by us both and that will never stop. Please God, help me and help him if he feels any pain from this seperation as well. May you heal both our hearts, so that we can once again find your love within them. Amen

Look what I can do! (Stuart) :) giggle

I thought I was going to be all depressed about the impending MAJOR life changes going on...but as Life would have it, I am actually motivated by them! I am challenged to call on my Best Self and live through her. Here are some of my new happenings.

I wore makeup for the first time yesterday, and me thinks me is HOOKED!!!
I used to weigh 253 lbs. about 8 months ago. I feel like I can say that now, because I am currently 199. I made a vow to myself that when I broke the 200 lb. mark, I would purchase myself some makeup. It had long been a secret dream of mine to really look polished everyday, and so that was the most intimidating thing for me, which is why thats EXACTLY where I wanted to start. Gone are the days when I stand still in fear! Nowadays Im gong straight for my jugular. If I die...oops! If I live...I can say, I knew whatever didnt kill me would make me FABULOUS!!!

Random Stuff

I really thought you were THE ONE-
thats why I stayed so long
My commitment was as deep as I've ever given to anyone
But it wasnt enough when the times got rough
The day that my life got drowned by 'my stuff'


I hurt, but...
You cant understand...
To you, pain is weakness to never be shown
To me, pain is killing me and I'm left to deal alone
My tears make you angry
Reflections that hit too close to home?
Instead of sharing your heart...
You push me away
So I wait patiently, for that 'one day'

The day you will hold me
And tell me 'for life'
The day that you value me enough to make me your wife
The day I can relax and know that you're mine...

Sigh, but thats just a fantasy
With room just for one
Now because of my choices, a statistic I've become

Barely escaping my demons
Grasping wildly for hope
Trying to carry on
But I'm starting to choke

I am not a poet
Just someone going through it right now..

This is not what I planned
This life is not for me
But here I am

So now what?
Two BABIES, two parent, two seperate homes?

I hate this. I hurt so bad...cant keep crying at my desk. What if someone sees?
This is the last place that I have where I actually feel competent. Where I can actually do and say the right thing and be who I am supposed to be. I am not at home in my own home or in my own life for that matter. I dont know where to go from here. I know that many people do it all the time. But can I fly, when I want to die? Can I live...without you? Can I do this?

Fading away....

Its been a while...I am really down, so there's really no reason to post. My relationship is ending and after almost 9 years this is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. But its going down...so I'm dealing. My sister hates me! My mother annoys me. My children love me, though. So I have what I need to make it through this. Its just that I am not feeling like blogging. My energy is not happy or optimistic right now. But I know that I will be alright! I will be checkin on yall from time to time.

Love.

Wifely Duties

I remember reading this article from a Popular Magazine from the 50's and it described what a good wife is/does. http://http://www.romanceopedia.com/E-TheGoodWife.html When I first came across this article, I was about 21 years old, and I was NOT feeling it at ALL! I mean, "who is this puritan?", I wondered. However at 28, I feel completely different. I noticed this change yesterday. When I scanned my room, before my man got home from his second job. I thought to myself..."What do I want the atmosphere that he comes home to to be like?" I was disconcerted by this thought process, because this is NOT like me. I want a cozy home, that is no secret...but I never wanted it for him, I wanted it for me. However creating an environment for my man after work was my focus yesterday. I made sure dinner was ready, home clean and welcoming and relaxing. The children were bathed and pj'd up! The beds were made. Dishes were washed. And I was cute! Which is not my normal mode for cleaning the house. But it is now. Being cute made cleaning even MORE FUN!!! [Is there anything that being cute doesn't enhance?] Now mind you, these are things that I try and do normally, but it was my motivation that was different. I realized yesterday that I want to be a 'wife'. Not just last name, piece of paper wife, but a wife in the most complete spiritual meaning of the word. I want to be a sorceress that creates an environment for my family that is soothing, stimulating, beautiful and functional. I want to do that. I want for my husband to acknowledge the work that I do for him. For our family. I want him to appreciate my presence in his life, not just as a partner, or the mother of his children, but as a WOMAN. A woman in the fullest sense of the word. A self-actualized, free woman. A beautiful bearer of life, woman. The one who creates a home, and makes it righteous. A matriarch. The TRUTH.

I am loving how my world is expanding. One day, I picture myself being this fiercly independent woman who doesnt need a man to validate her, and all this other B.S. that I told myself. Deep inside in the recesses of my heart, I know I still dont need that validation. But I do want it. I do desire to please my husband. I desire for him to benefit from the depths of my feminine wisdom. I desire that same things for my sons. I desire for them to look back at life with me and consider themselves blessed, as I do when I do what I do for them. I love being a servant for my family. Weird wording, but I do. I love the feeling of them feeling comfortable and taken care of. I am beginning to find satisfaction in 'catering' more than I would have imagined is possible. And this is just the beginning! How exciting right??!!??

I am Wakeelah Everfield, and I want to be the WORLD'S GREATEST WIFE AND MOTHER!! Hows that for a proclamation! (sp) Now that I have that off my chest...I can breathe easy. No more lying to myself. I dont want domestic partnership, I want marriage.

Why does vomit taste so bad?

I was just pondering why upchuck has to hurt, be violent, AND taste bad on top of that. Ever since the parting in my depression, I have been existing on two levels, it seems. One part is still heavy and weary, and surrounding that part of me is hope and knowlege that things are indeed improving. So I am learning what it truly means to maintain faith. The only thing is, as life is clearing things to make way for better things...it feels pretty bad sometimes. And I am finding it not yet an automatic response to relax and let God do his thing. My car is dying. The one car that we have...When it became apparent to me, I freaked out!!! My man has three jobs, last month he had none...today he has THREE! And I work 20 miles from home. I am thinking, what are we going to do? I dont want a car note. Been there, done that. Not prepared to do it again, we need childcare for two infants, and gas is $4.00 a gallon, and he needs a truck? WTF? And while I'm spewing negativity left and right...complaining about how hard it is to live in the 'meantime'. My man is looking at me in disbelief. "Who are you?", he asks me. While I feel that life is falling apart, he feels it is finally coming together. And things are sometimes uncomfortable when forces are being rearranged. What the? When did he get all Guru on me? haha Of course he is right, and I am just trippin'! How did I get in this place? Where am I? Its so unfamiliar here...and scary, but this is life! LIfe is clearing out all the old garbage. Car is breaking down, phone is messing up, I am being held accountable for things that never used to register on my radar. I am having bouts of emotional upheavals, hopelessness, despair, fear, optimism, love, elation, joy, pride. I am excited about the postive side, but I am literally sick with the 'other' side. I dont like to feel bad things...but they are there. Ugh. Upchuck sucks!

Bitter but SWEET news!

Due to that awful cold I sported last week, I am down to 203!! I am about to get out of the 200's. Lawd! I am so excited! That is 50 LBS...GONE!!! Yep, I'm counting these sick ones. And the ones that were baby! So what...sue me! I havent been under 200 lbs in about 3 years. And even before then, me and 195 were inseperable. I am finally no longer considered obese and my goal is by the time I turn 29, on Sept. 19th, I will be at a normal and healthy weight! Being sick, but still being a mom and having ish to do gave me a hands-on-lesson about the MUST of taking VERY GOOD care of myself. And I shall! :) Have a great week all!

I actually have to go to a tailor and get my clothes altered! Like...this was unimaginable to me! I am getting my clothes taken IN!! AAAAAAHHHHHH! The impossible is possible. Prayer WORKS! :)

New terrain

I bought two skirts on Tuesday! I have been challenged to wear one before next Friday. Will I do it?? Stay tuned! :)

Good News!!!

I have been depressed for about 22 years now. I am 28 years old. At first I just ignored it, then when the load became too heavy, I stewed in it and allowed it to take over my mind. This affected my body and continued to suffocate my spirit. Then as I learned more about life, I began to try and understand it. Trying to understnad dysfuntion just fills your mind with more dysfunction. Finally I accepted it. I have a depressive personality, is what I chose to believe. I believed that for MOST of my life!!!

Then I realized that what lots of people said was true, I really do have a CHOICE in how I am in life! I started reading things that were along the lines of what I wanted to believe. I started to monitor myself, which has proven to make the BIGGEST impact in my life! I regularly checked in with my feelings, my thoughts, my intentions and tried my best not to judge myself too harshly for the things that I didnt like about myself. I journaled. I practice conscious eating. I try to refrain from complaining, and I am a CHRONIC complimenter. I seek beauty everywhere, and when I cant find it, I look up at the sky. That is one thing that is ALWAYS beautiful and AWE INSPIRING!!! I meditate daily, share my journey with a friend who is traveling the same path as I. I have distanced myself from the WOE IS ME' folk. And the results are AMAZING!!! (Unbeleivable, had I not known the darkness of depression first hand.)

Without much effort on the weightloss area of my life I have lost 17 lbs since May 1st. My relationship with my man is DRAMATICALLY IMPROVED, my self esteem is at the very least normal, but dare I say...soaring!!! I have more energy, less stress, more patience, less worry. My mood swings still happen, but the difference is, I'm not at their mercy. The moment I catch myself, I can CHOOSE differently!!! I can!!!

There is a crack in the foundation of whatever had me tied to my depression. I KNOW it is there. There is an opening of light, where there was one only cloudy darkeness. There is lightness where there was once heaviness. There is appreciation where there was once only negativity. There is hope where there was once only despair. I dont want to go on and on, but to live life from this perspective is so encouraging!!! I KNOW that one day soon, I will be completely free of this stuff, and all the stuff that it attracted as a result. I am MORE THAN WILLING TO LET THAT GARBAGE GO!! And the proof is evident in my life! There is something else along the ride of my life with me. And in that space, life is GOOD!

I didnt even notice the depression lifting until I blogged answers to questions and my answers were completely contrary to any belief I had before. I am comfortable with my 206 lb frame. I used to be in despair at 175. Haha youth! I am fine with myself, just the way I am. I'm really okay.

Thank you God. I have been faithful, and you have answered as you said you would. I promise to ALWAYS know you and never be brand new again. I promise to be all that I can at any given day, because you are. I will not go back to livng life as a leaf in the wind. I promise to be rooted in you. Your are my substance and my nourishment. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you. And thanks to you, I LOVE LOVE LOVE me too! okay. I'm so grateful! Amen!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Monica Mingo!!!

That is all. :) Everyone have a wonderful weekend!

What do your children think about how you treat YOU?

"Children do not treat themselves the way you tell them to treat themselves," "They treat themselves the way you treat yourself."

This was such a powerfull thing to read in the AM. I believe this to be so true. I am a wonderer by nature. I enjoy 'enjoying' things, but you could not tell by my life. I sacrifice my enjoyment and pleasure all the time for things that 'someone' deems more important. I say someone, because I am SURE it is not in my nature to deny mySELF. Monica asked what was the first thing you let go of as gas prices rise and economic conditions change, and my answer was personal luxuries. WTF??? Seriously??
When I think about it, it makes absolutely NO SENSE at all. But this is how I operate. So I thought of where I could have gotten such a message and I have concluded, that it is another giftfrom mom. I am not blaming her. I know she did what she felt she had to. And unlike me, she was a single parent with two children, so there were probably times where she had no choice but to sacrifice certain elements of life, in order for us to have. but I am learning at a fast rate that that choice depletes your reserves and barely leaves you with enough to sustain a positive energy, never mind an ABUNDANT AND JOYFUL one. And besides, I am NOT my mom. I dont have to live everything I was introduced to growing up hook, line and sinker! And the last thing I want to do is inspire my children to put themselves last. I want my children to love, respect, value and honor themselves. An attitude like this will produce love and reverence for all of life and all the things in it! So that everyone they encounter will have to be as in love with life as they are, or they will not sustain in their presence. Is that a tall order? WE will see. I'm on it! ;)

I just noticed that my weight is ON the ticker!!!

How the hell did that happen? Oh well. FYI, I am 5'11. That doesnt make it much better, but people tell me it does all the time, so I'm gonna roll with that! :)

Good Deeds fills Gods needs

Now mind you, I dont believe that God has a need for anything, but I'm sure he has preferences. If God gets to choose, I believe He would choose happiness for us over suffering. Thankfullness over unappreciation. Beauty over ugliness. Love over stress.
Lately, my honey and I have been REALLY counting our blessings. We have been praying together, communicating more honestly than ever before, and just being better people. We are gently helping each other stay on the paths we claim we want and life is better. Over the past several days we have had several miracles, and I'm very thankfull. We have been getting free gas money all over the place as thank yous for random things that we never considered reward worthy. Our neighbor got us a $50.00 gift card so that we may have a date night, as a thanks!!! My uncle gave us some free bass to eat! We need food. My sister volunteers her babysitting services two days a week and mom does the other days, until we can find an appropriate daycare. And this is just what I'm thinking about right now, I'm sure there's so much more. And I honestly believe its been because we are giving instead of thinking about how little we have to give. When someone is hungry, even though we dont have much, we offer to feed them. When someone needs to go somewhere, we offer to take them. If someone needs a place to come and collect themselves, we offer our home. Not because we want blessings, but simply because we both NEED to feel helpful somehow. Sharing what little we think we have fills that need for us. I never thought that what we did was all that important, but it means so much to the people we help. And their kindness means so much to us in returen!! It just a big ole ball of love!!! God, I know how I can get sometimes (as the hole in my door confirms) but I dont want you to think that I am sleeping on your love! We appreciate EVERYTHING that you put in our hearts and and our lives. Thank you. From the deepest part of me.

Please continue to bless our home and family and lives. We are TOTALLY willing to do YOUR will. And if you find us being resistant, please continue to keep our awareness high enough, and our intentions clear enough, so that we rebound quickly. Thank you. We love you. Amen.

Give

I was sitting at a red light with my man and children. We were having a very laid back trip to grandma's. There was such a serene calm in the air. The air was hot and humid, the sun melting into orange and purple skies. And we hear a saxophone. So we look to the right, and there is a guy standing next to the pick up window at the Taco Bell playing the saxophone. I automatically looked for his cup (conditioned negativity). There wasn't one. He was sincerely playing to share his gift with the world. I mouthed the words THAT IS AWESOME! Nard and I couldnt stop staring at this man, hypnotized by the meaning behind this moment that we got to share. Then the man pointed his sax at us and said, "This is for yall too! I see the love in that car!" We pulled of...and all that was said was a common, "Wow". I wanted to talk about it. Find out what he was thinking...I felt like I needed to know if it affected him the same way it did me. Me and my busy mind. Instead I just relaxed and enjoyed that moment. God sent us another angel to remind us what we are here for. Simply to share what we have to share.

Too often I ponder what I can do to unleash myself unto this world, and I always dream up these big elaborate dreams that I often honestly believe are too big for me. But it never really takes that much. Give what you can. And somewhere, somehow it will be appreciated. He was so courageous, so honest, so love filled! I am in awe of that man. In the 60 seconds that we waited at that light, I was hopeful for humanity. A stranger showed me the way. Thank you, God. We appreciate your presence in our lives. Love, ALWAYS Keelah

Go Barack!

Thats all folks!

RA.N.TINGS!

Late last night...scrounged around for money to put gas in car. Found enough for a qtr tank....It rained.

Basment flooded, dont know how ALL my books are :(...Had to boil water to wash up in--ewww. Sigh...

Leave on time...find myself 16 miles in the wrong direction, in fog. Wasting gas.

Need to find payphone to call in. Stop at SIX payphones, miles apart, before I find one that works.

Leave angry message. I HATE MICHIGAN SUBURBS!!!!

Get here nearly 30 minutes late...weird vibe!

Hate this morning. Love this peace.

Thank you God for this calm behind my thoughts. growth is beautiful...AMEN!

How FULL is your life?

This is a question that I am being forced to ponder. I have a pretty full life. I am a woman, a black woman at that. I have a black man. I have two young sons. I work full time. I have housework, grocery duty and the task of being the best me that I can be, so that I can lead my world by example. That sounds pretty daunting to me. Why? Because my world is already small, and all the 'hats' that I have to wear makes it feel even more constricted. I have NO SPACE for myself half the time. When I do decide to 'accept' time for myself, I feel a tinge of guilt. I feel guilty because I work full time and then have the AUDACITY to need time alone. Having a family hasn't changed who I am very much though. I still need time to be alone. With God. With my thoughts, with my soul. I find it hard to feel my own energy when I'm around other people. Always have, so I seek that time. I NEED it!

Anyway, I have been communing a lot lately, about my life. The quality of it and how I would like to change. And the answer I received was GIVE OF YOURSELF. I laughed this off. I dont feel I have much to give. I mean, I give all that I have to my job and family. And occasionally, I give to me, but not very often. The message was repeated and I still played like I didnt understand. So God sent me an angel to explain what it means to give of yourself. I met a guy today who runs a soup kitchen in Detroit. We talked endlessly about the human condition, and about what small things we are so ungrateful for on a daily basis. I thought of how often I appreciate the 'little things' in life and thought smugly to myself, "Thats not me!". But when I thought about it, yes it is! I am stingy. I am stingy with my love, attention, affection and time. The person most affected? Not just my children, my man, my family...but MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I cheat everything and everyone in my life, by not filling my days with what fills my soul. I complain (to myself and God) about the things I dont have, accomplishments I have yet to achieve, personal demons that I need to overcome, but I hardly ever sit in thankfullness for all of the things that I do have. And to actually help those with less than I have, is such a novel idea, but one that I have yet to act upon.

I had to sit down and really re-evaluate what is REALLY important to me. I thought it was having a healthy, happy family. Being a successful business owner. Having a fab home, friends, social calendar. But none of that is as important as being a complete individual (if that makes sense). And I dont really believe that is somethign you can 'think' about for too long, as I have been. Either you act on your inner impulses, or you dont. When you do live from that space, I suspect life is good. When you spend your life thinking about it...not so much. The feeling of not sharing your soul is pain. It comes in many forms: frustration, depression, low self-esteem, poor boundaries, disconnected feeling, but all in all, PAIN sums it up. I am ready to enlarge my territory. It has not served me well to keep my self so closed off from this world.

I am human, after all! Happy Friday!!

What the fuck???

A client just called and said that the estimators price quoted and the workers prices aren't 'jiving'. I love that! My soul is truly with the 70's. I told a friend what was said and how much I loved it..conversation went like this:

MsKeelah: he said that the estimator and the workers figures dont seem to be jiving for ml
My friend: hahah
My friend: flash back from the 70s
MsKeelah: RIGHT
MsKeelah: my FAV decade
My friend: you would have done well in the 70s
My friend: your fro could have been truly appreciated
MsKeelah: its appreciated now
MsKeelah: haha
MsKeelah: well i guess everyone doesnt..

Okay I.AM.PISSED!!! What the fuck do you mean truly appreciated? What the fuck are you saying? Oh I know damn well what she is saying, but how fucking DARE YOU!!!????

I swear, If I didnt have the DREAMGIRLS soundtrack going at my 'puter...this could have gotten ugly.

As you can see, my fast is done. For the record, I did the entire 10 days, easy. My mind was right for a hot second. I lost 18 lbs, skin cleard, energy soared, felt closer to God and all that jazz. I didnt post much about it, because it was sort of a private thing I did to cleanse and renew. I actually did this to strengthen my connection to God. Mission Accomplished. But I swear, the minute I ate meat...my peace escaped me. lol

Back to this chick...HOW FUCKING DARE SHE? Sigh...but how can I expect her to have known how that would make me feel. She just doesnt GET IT!!! And I'm not in the mood to teach hairstory right now. That is all.

Release now...
Peace yall!

So much for mellowing emotions...

I pride myself on being able to hide my emotions. I have a smug appreciation for being angry but only allowing it to gently seethe out of my body. How very well 'kept'. My elders would be proud. Hmmm? Well that is NOT NORMAL! It feels what I call painful. I am angry. I am looking at my life and it is not satisfying on a deep level. It is okay from the outside loooking in, only thing is...I am on the inside looking out and I want to die. Apparently. I feel like I am suffocating in this role I am playing. I continuously stifle myself to fit into the boxes that I deem necessary for this life, and I dont feel good about it. I am afraid that all these feelings are going to burst out of me in a very unhealthy way, as not eating has my thoughts and feelings in the forefront of my mind...and when they come, they come with such intensity that I stop breathing to keep them from exploding at an inappropriate time. If there is anyone out there, expect for my pscyoticness to become even more prominent now. I am going to free myself of this zoo of monkeys on my damn back if it kills what I think I am. Critical Mass is being approached, rapidly. I am finally more miserable than I can cover up. I hate this feeling. I crave release but I fear what I will be left with in life if I do. Hiding is no longer a desirable way to deal with life. I yearn to live. Honestly and deeply. I know that I will be in a much better position if I could get whats stuck...out. But I'm also full of what ifs?

What if no one likes the new honest me?
What if people laugh at my emotions?
What if people continue treating me the way that they are accustomed to?
What if I have to leave key players in my life behind, in order to move forward in life?

These sound pretty stupid once I see them, but they are very strong and very powerful inside of me. It is my desire to live like 'I dont give a fugg what anyone thinks of me'...In reality, I care. I care a great deal. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to feel comfortable enough to be REAL around me. I guess I cant be real in a fake world. Hmmmm? More shit to sift through. Its all good. I am being made aware of this faultiness for a reason...Hopefully I am having my last kiss goodbye!

Day 2

So far, so good. I didnt get hungry at all yesterday. I did have a headache for a little while, but discomfort is to be expected when your body begins to move all the 'gunk' out. Last night before bed, my face began to break out a bit, but was all gone when I woke up. My skin is smoother and my eyes are a bit brighter. My energy levels are up and rising. Today is a good day! I dont want to be obsessed with the scale since I am not doing this fast for weight loss, but I would be fake to ignore the tiny joy I found when I stepped on the scale and was 4 lbs. lighter!


My emotions, which were explosive yesterday are starting to mellow out a bit. I got stranded on the freeway after work yesterday, miles from an exit, no cell phone. Instead of panicking, I moved away from the smoking car and just leaned on the road and prayed. Within two minutes my angel appeared, and she sat with me. Offered me love and encouragement and called AAA and got my car towed to my dads house. My dad brought me to work today. My car should be up and running by the weekend. So I am super excited about that! Things are coming together...very nicely. Not in the way I would have guessed, but pretty good nonetheless. Have a great day!

Taking A Time Out.

Today is day one of a 10 day fast. I usually fast about 3-4 times a year, but with all the commotion of back to back pregnancies, I didnt get the chance (save once) in the last two years and I am feeling it. It is time. My body is overloaded with all the crapola that I have exposed it to, and its time for me to begin the arduous process of letting it go. I am excited about it, as I am actually prepared for the feeling of release. I am letting go of things that I dont need to be holding on to so tightly anyway. So here we go.

The plan is to do a full 10 days of fasting. And then two days of soup and two days of just vegetation and hopefully keep it like that. Optimally, I would like to cease eating meat after the fast. But that may be a bit ambitious, we'll see! Ideally, I will be eating only whole foods. No need to cleanse and detox and then go right back to the habits that have me in this bit of a cleansing crisis in the first place. I am so excited about it!

Mood: Optimistic
Energy Level: Higher than usual (specially with no cof-feine!!)

Gotta work now, been putting it off for an hour and a half!

Getting my ass beat again...

Fast Forward. I am 12 years old. I had a little middle school boyfriend. We will call him Joe. Because that was his name. We used to 'go together'. It was nothing serious at all...until he wanted to have sex...that wasnt even on my radar. We broke up or stopped talking, whatever you want to call it. He went on to 'talk to' my friend Brandi. She was very pretty, very curvy, a popular kid because of that. She was a very innocent type of girl though. However, the combination of those attributes made her a hot commodity in the middle school circuit.

I dont remember feeling any ill feelings towards her about breaking the code. Probablyl because I didnt even know a code existed. I was however, a bit perturbed that she told me that Joe didnt even acknowledge that we used to kick it. I wondered why? But it passed whatever, I was young and those things were really unimportant to me. One day, Joe came up to me and said he missed me. He said that Brandi was pretty but he really wanted me back. He missed our conversations. So...naturally I told Brandi...because she was my friend, he on the other hand wasnt shit! Well the next day at school as I walking through a crowded hallway I saw him marching towards me with fury in his eyes. Immediately, I felt that familiar panic. I knew this wasnt good. He asked me why I told Brandi those lies. I saw her cowering in the hallway behind him, avoiding my eye contact. I looked him square in the face and said, "I didnt lie". And so he hit me! Right in the hallway in front of everyone. And then proceeded to put me in the headlock and keep punching me in my side and gut. Background noise was just that...I couldnt BE-LIEVE this was happening!! I also remember noticing that my friend Brandi was nowhere to be seen. When the bell rung, he let me go and the chaos cleared. I went into science class and I heard people talking about it. "I'm okay...it was nothing" was what I said. Humiliation is what I felt. And hurt that my friend didn't even come to my defense. She told me she was afraid. "Afraid of what??" I thought. He wouldnt hit his precious Brandi! Sigh...but alas. Here I was again, being attacked...with noone to come to my defense.

The beliefs that I have because of these two events alone are:

I am not good enough.
I am out here all alone.
I cannot trust my friends.
Telling the truth attracts punishment.


I'm sure I was supposed to learn to depend on myself. To be able and willing to defend myself in times of need. To not have expectations of others just because I have them for myself. But I was young...and I took the experiences with the wisdom of a young child. And now they are locked in my consciousness as victimization. And I honestly for the VERY LIFE of me dont know the 'technical workings' of getting them out. Or changing them for the better.

I am crippled by outdated beliefs, but I dont know how to change them, in a meaningful way. Sigh...well just anotha day...blasting to the past!

Memories

Well it seems that I will be going down memory lane again. As I cant avoid it. I have been asking questions regarding how I got here in my life. Where did I develop some of the beliefs that I have, and usually when I get really really quiet a scene will begin to play itself in my mind. My mind starts to recall things in detail and I feel the urge to write. Normally I would write in my at home journal...but here I am.

The place in time- Summer 1989
My age-9.5

The scene-walking home from school with my best friend and a group of her friends.

I always felt like the dark outsider looming over the 'pretty girls' life. I loved my best friend. With all my heart and soul. I loved so hard back then. I loved her and even though she treated me differently when other people were around, I accepted it for what it was. My friend acts weird sometimes. I loved her still. This particular day, I was tagging along when a group of big boys (probably around 8-10 years old) came and started to harrass us, as little boys do. I remember pleading to myself, "Please dont mess with me". Well of course they horsed around with a few of the girls and then one of them came and bumped me. You know the old school bump, to let someone know its about to go down. I remember hoping that someone would come to my defense, how they always did with my best friend. But you know what? Noone did. The guy slapped me SMOOOVE across my face. I am not a fighter by nature. I did not want to fight...even after that. But the heat on my face said...ITS ON! So I began to swing on him, the best my little arms could. He hit me, pushed me, picked me up and tossed me to the ground repeatedly. The entire group of girls and boys made a big circle around us, and all I could hear was their screams. I dont know what they were saying, but I know that noone even tried to help. The boys were being really rough with me and I was scared for my safety. I remember trying to run up on the porch of one of the girls and the boy pulled my legs and dragged my body down the stairs. I just checked for the scar...it finaly faded. I remember wondering what it was about me that made people pick on me. I had popular friends, was nice to pretty much everyone...but out of a group, it was always me. I remember being so embarrased and sad. When they tired of me, I was left to pick up my books, which were spewn all around the yard. I believe someone helped me pick up my books. Where were you while I was getting my ass beat though? Someone also said, "But you held your own..." WTF???

If you are wondering, yes I still hung with them after that. No I dont remember it being talked about, but the shame and embarrasment and un-sureness of my worth that I felt that day still lives in me. I still wonder...What is wrong with me? What kind of scarlet B (for bitch) do I have on my chest? Why would anyone want to hurt me? I love you.

THE MOST BEAUTIFULLEST THING!!!

Yesterday evening my 17 month old said..."I LOVE YOU" to me. Greatest moment EVER!!! :)

Satizfaction Guaranteed

I was going to get some KFC Hot wings for lunch. Even after I complained about my weight plateau, even after I searched the web and found out that only 6 wings are a WHOPPING 450 calories.

Well my office manager asked me where I was going for lunch...I was embarrassed as I admitted the truth. Needless to say, that feeling stopped me in my tracks. I reluctantly followed her into the cafeteria in our building...and very painstakingly bought a veggie spinach salad and a water. As I ate, I felt a strong urge to crunch on my wings, but my body had a different reaction. She is ELATED! My body literally began to REJOICE more and more with every bite! If I was not paying attention, I could have easily missed it. I am so HAPPY! Good food=good feelings. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that truth!

Those wings would have been soooo good, but the feeling would have been very short lasting and would have definately led to guilt afterwards. Dodged that bullet! :)

Go me!

I am...

...a proud mother.
...a cohabitating wife. (yeah...time is running out for this role!)
...absolutely LOVING my SPRING CLEANING EXTRAVAGANZA!
...a receptionist
...a visionary
...eternal optimist
...a chimney
...a spritual being navigating this physical existence
...losing weight
...a natural woman
...in Love with Obama (and Michelle!)
...happy for Beyonce and Jay-Z!
...feeling good about my future.
...a daughter
...a sister
...pretty funny if I say so myself
...obsessed with the Biggest Loser
...scared to love people
...excited to move through the confines of my past
...anticipating the joy that is on the other side of my growing pains.
...a budding yogi!
...an undercover fashionista! (Deeeep undercover-lol)
...an avid reader
...terrified of my sexuality. (read: may be an undercover ho, if left unchecked)
...a BIG flirt
...content with life today
...breathing
...anticipating having a 'convo' with Jeremiah when I get home.
...working with the Law of Attraction currently.
...better than I was yesterday
...Here. Now.

Responsibilty

My name is Wakeelah. In Arabic, it means a responsible leader (according to mom). It means a worker for God, (according to gas station man). I choose to believe that it is a mixture of both. Growing up, I loathed that my name wasnt Tiffany, or Kimberly--something normal. Why? does my name has to mean something? And why oh why does my mom bring it up whenever she needed some type of leverage. When my room was junky..."You are supposed to be a responsible L-E-A-D-E-R! How can you do that with a junky room?" I have heard variations of this over the years, enough times to last for the rest of EVER!

Well the older I get, the more I find its easy for me to live up to that name. And yesterday I found my reason why. I have a purpose. During prayer on Sunday, it occured to me that I am good at making things functional and pretty. Those are two 'gifts' that I possess. I sometimes discount them because they come so naturally to me, but they truly are energies that have served me very well over my short life so far. It behooves me to accept and exploit them even! They are wonderful qualities to have. And I have the responsiblity to express them every chance I get.

We are all one. When I make things beautiful, I am an artist. I get to express a side of myself that I dont normally get to see, and I give permission by admission for others to do the same. When I am scared to stand up for myself, I add to the fear in the world. I am done with that! It doesnt work. And I'm out of the business of trying to continue doing things that dont work. They.dont.work! Sounds simple, but lots of us do that every day. And still have the nerve to be frustrated that things are still the same.

My mom has been 'losing weight' for as long as I can remember. Her story has always been the same. I dont want to be skinny she says with disdain. As if being skinny is a disease. (This hurt especially when I was skinny) She says, "I just want to lose my gut!" I offer her helpful tips that I have come across (since I have lost 11 lbs. the hard way), and she immediately rebuffs them, without even giving them a chance! I understand the obese mentality...I do! Me of all people knows, but if you say you want something and your habits lead you in the opposite direction, then why be upset when you dont ever get what you want? Why pretend to have all this faith in God? The Lord knows what I need. Lots of people lean on God like that. Yes he knows what you want and need. But most times, in my experience, he doesnt just send the object of your desire to your doorstep! He gives you many ways, people, circumstances that MOVE you in the direction that you CLAIM you want to go.

Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. I had a list, and I didnt plan on deviating from that list. I am making myself adopt discipline as a rule. I got lots of fresh fruits and veggies, fish, water and other goodies. Because I am losing 10 lbs. this month!!!!!! My mom resisted my choices as if my buying healthful food for my family was offending her in some way. She went on and on about how healthy her doctor said she is, depsite the fact that she eats fast food 6 out of 7 days of the week. She says and I quote, "My body seems to run better on junk food!" Thats when I realized...I am not just making improvements for myself, my man and my children. I am being an example for my whole family! The weight of the world was on my shoulders for a split second, before I decided to step up me game and be up for the challenge.

For the first time in a long time, I realized I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggles, and I wont be alone in my triumph. I will encounter resistence, and it may be from those I love most, but thats okay! Since I expect it...I will be prepared for it. I can handle it. I will continue to move TOWARD my goal. I owe it to myself, my family, and my community to do so. I am finally ready to take responsiblity, OUT LOUD for the condition of my life! I am so excited!

Mood: Fired up! and I'm feeling it! ;)

Never give up hoping!

I have been in prayer. And not that whole I'm "SOOO spiritual" prayer...but some serious...down and dirty, deep from my heart of hearts prayers. I have been hurting for so long...some things I was aware of, other revelations were truly a shock to me. All of this shit has been quite overwhelming and that is very much an understatement. I'mma tell you, when I asked God to cleanse me and help me to rejoin Him, I was expecting a few dark clouds, maybe a sprinkle of rain and then this parting in the sky of Heavenly GOODNESS! Sheeeeeeyid!

I got fugged up repressed memories, aches and pains, mood swings out of this world, gas and a host of other shit that has me feeling very low!

But all the while, I tried to maintain a semblence of hope. Why? Because I am a believer in this process. Even though it has its highs and low-lows, I believe that who emerges on the other side of this will be stronger, healthier and just better.But how do I keep my faith during trying times such as these? I have to FIND things that are good in my life even amidst the stormy weather. I have two wonderful children, so its not that hard. They make me smile and refocus on the good things in life, even when I dont see them right off. So on the days when I feel the worst, I am truly blessed to have my Boys.

So in keeping with the traumatic trend of my last few weeks, on my way to work on Wednesday I hit a huge sink hole which made the bottom of my car hit the ground. I got ish to do, so I cussed, got angry, then chugged on back home. Once there my man changed my tire (JUST bought a new set...was pissed about it) and boosted my car and sent me on my way. When I passed the scene of the crime there was a beligerant lady with her car parked in front of the sink hole. So I detoured to add my two cents. Long story short...The local gas company made the hole that was left uncovered...so they are paying for whatever is broken on my car to get fixed! WHATEVER???!!!! DID YOU HEAR ME? I AM TOO EXCITED!! I got new powersteering, the whole arm and leg of the car that was hit, new front end, wheel alignment and they are throwing in an oil change. And they are paying for the rental that I have right now! I had a list of things that needed to get done to my car, and thankfully that list has been whittled down to just ONE THING! So despite how my moods want to tell me life is...I know otherwise. I know that there is a silver lining in every dark cloud. I know that I am being held and loved as I travel through life. I just wanted to share this testimony. I hope that it uplifts someone, cuz it sure as heaven uplifted me. It challenges me to look at what I perceive to be setbacks in a whole new light. I am thankful.

Good times are coming. I KNOW IT! Thank you. I do appreciate it!

Some things in my heart...

I love you. I love you so much, but sometimes its not easy. Sometimes I dont know how. Its so hard to feel what you feel and still maintain my sanity. I want to be there for you. To help you move through your pain and into joy. I want for us to be BONDED. I want you to trust me and I want so badly to trust you. I know we have both been hurt very badly in the past. And our hearts are not distinguishing that the time has past. But it has...I am willing to let go of the pain so that we can move forward, together. Whether we like it or not...we are connected. But I would much prefer we be connected in love than in pain and hurt. Lets remake the tragedy of our lives into something beautiful.

I love you. I dislike a LOT of your ways, but if I have to be honest with myself...I must admit. I KNOW you. I know you better than you think anyone does. I know you hurt, and I know that the hurt you feel causes you to lash out in ways that are not natural to your heart. I know you cannot always 'see' the effect of repressing your pain, but I do. And it hurts me to see you hurt. I hurt so bad sometimes, because you make me hurt. You are careless with your energies and they affect me. Self preservation is strong in any species, but I cannot abandon you. I cant leave you out here without anyone to truly UNDERSTAND you, so I stay. At the expense of my own feelings. I hurt for you...with you. I dont know how to be any other way.


I love you. I love you so much. I know that I need to extend myself to your more, but I dont know how. I think that I am not enough. That you need more. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am enough just the way I am, but I guess I cant give you what I am unable to give myself. That old adage holds very true. I think that I would resent being there for you in the way that you need me to, because I so often ignore those needs in myself. I CANT give you what I dont offer myself. Its just not humanly possible without resentment. I am sorry. I just dont have it right now.

I know you want me to let go and let God. I know that you are ready. I know that you have a vision and that it is I that keeps you from achieving it. I know that it is my fear and my determination to keep things status quo, that keeps you from blossoming into all that you are. I know that I will have to relinquish this unhealthy compulsion, but I dont know how. I dont want to lose. And letting go feels like giving up, which equals losing in my book. I yearn to live from the depths of my entire being. My desires may not seem real to you, but the pain of living beneath my potential is. My fears are. And my desire to live and grow and be well are just as strong as yours. HOw do you let go, when letting go could mean death? How do you reconcile this? How? I really really want to know. Seriously.

To be continued.

Lady in Waiting

...waiting for God to give me permission to live in Glory
...waiting for God to give me permission to be my best
...waiting for God to give me permission to live the life he gave me to the fullest
waiting...
still

Forgotten Memories

I am a student of life. I love my mind and THE MIND! I am obsessed with humanity and its corresponding spirituality. I can clearly see the connection between the two, in a lot of places that most people I encounter cannot. It used to haunt me, but now I can accept it. Problem is...and this is serious. I wanted to blog about it in depth, but I am really not sure where to go next with this, so I will just keep it pretty general.

This past sunday after a wonderful weekend, of spending time with family, baking brownies with sister and just having fun, I journaled early in the AM. It is my favorite time, Sunday mornings, because they are lazy and my man and children are asleep and God can have me to Herself. :) I walk around, sipping water, REALLY paying attention. Just enjoying the moment that I am in with no noise, no distractions. Well after yoga and a healthy breakfast and light cleaning (yes I have been on top of it! House stays neat!) I sat down at my computer for a little free-writing. I started to ask God about the guilt that I feel. I am always feeling guilty for something in my life. Whether it be saying yes, when I want to say no or visa versa. I feel guilty for not wanting to always k.i.t with my fam. I feel guilty for not being MORE than I am sometimes. Some is warranted, most is irrational. So I decided to ask God for help. As I have finally reached critical mass, and am ready to let go of it.

What came next distrubed me. Now if you are a writer, then I'm sure ther are times where words just seem to flow out of you. With you as the watcher. Well I had one of those times. I sat there watching the screen for what would come next...as I truly had NO IDEA! I wathced my fingers as they deftly and efficently typed NONSTOP for seven pages. SEVEN full pages were typed. And in them a revelation that SHOOK up my world. I had typed, IN DETAIL, an occurence that happened to me as a little girl. While I typed, I saw images of things. Clear as if I were in the day. I saw my little girl legs, I saw my clothes, I knew my surroundings, though they were vague. I saw my mothers face as a young woman, probably a little younger than I am. I saw what she wore. I heard what she thought. I had an awareness that was above and beyond that of a child, but at the same time, I was aware that I was infact a youngun!

I am afraid. I dont know what to do. Because what I wrote, if spoken with my mouth could shake up my ENTIRE FAMILY! I have reason to believe that a person who I grew up with pretty closely, did something he didn't have any business. And after reading this back to myself I was shocked. In these pages were insights that I have never known. But they were so vivid and so clear and so FAR from where the journalling was originally going...well not really. It TOTALLY explained where my GUILT stems from. The writing explained how this occurence has altered my life, pointing out situations to THIS DAY, specific situations, where I am affected by this, without having had conscious knowledge of what happened. I am afraid. It all makes too much sense. It all makes PERFECT sense! There are so many feelings that I avoid in my life, because of this. I feel dirty and ashamed and guilty and now I am hesitant to even bring it up...because even though I KNOW its real and I believe it with all my heart to be TRUTH...I dont know what move to make next.

Let me point out, that I am aware that the obvious move is to seek therapy. However I must admit...I feel a bit weird about that. I mean what do I say?..I was writing one day and remembered that...oh yeah...I was molested as a youth! In fact, I think that's why I have intimacy and trust issues in my life. That is also why I avoid normal pleasure. That is why I am afraid of giving in to good feelings and LIVE in bad ones. I dont think I deserve to be happy or genuinely loved. I avoid friendship and even deeper connections with my closest family, because...I feel damaged. That is why at the age when my sexuality sprouted...I was hypersexual, then when I was unable to handle all that came with being sexual...I began to put on weight. To protect myself from having to feel sexuality at all. Sigh...and knowing all this...doesnt help. AT ALL!

I dont know why I am sharing this, or why I have not found it difficult to talk about with a few choice people. I know that there is nothing that is going to happen because of this. I guess its because even though it happened to me, and I feel pretty detached from it...I just can't accept it. Sigh...Oh well...

Back to life...back to reality, back to the here, and now, and then.