I hurt...

I hurt so bad. The more that time goes on...the more I hurt. Its not like normal, when you break up and then take time to grieve. Each time I look at my childrens' face, I see him and I see our failure. I see the moments in the past, where we should have let it go...or actually made a change...but instead, we continued on as if somehow time would improve us. I really thought we were going through a 'bad patch'. We are not. It is over. For EVER.Sigh.

I listen to him. He has valid issues. I dropped the ball in a lot of ways. I hurt him too! Its not all about me. He feels that he played himself...He feels that we should have been over. The last attempt at 'us' was because of our children.

"I love you, he says, but when you gave up on you...it turned me off. You no longer cared about yourself, or me, or US. You always give up. You left me years ago..."



You know what? he may be right. If I look deeply enough, I will see that my actions state EXACTLY that, but my heart says something completely different. I simply withdrew because I know I had ish to handle within myself. But there is no way to go back in time and right the wrongs that happened.

Guess from here I learn and live. And move on.

God that hurts. The touching of my soul. The revelations. The truth. It makes me hold my breath to stop the pain. It makes me cry until I cant anymore. Every night. It makes me doubt my worth. It makes me feel so abandoned and unlovable. It makes me think its all my fault. It makes me worry that I will never find anyone who 'gets' me. It makes me think that I am going to be my mother.

I am in fact repeating the past. I am a single mom of two kids, just like she was (at least she was married to my dad, though) I too am closing my already hardened heart even more, to try and deflect some of the intensity of the pain I feel. I dont want to hurt forever. I want to let it go...but.I.cant!!! I try and get him to say hurtful things, so that I can hate him and use that hate to facilitate healing...but it is only hurting more. Help.

Questions on my mind...What does she do, that I couldnt? (pointless question that simply makes me feel worse)

Why couldnt we both just 'work it out'?

Why does this seem to be affecting me WAAAY worse than it is him?

How can he just try and fill my spot so quickly?

I hate him. I really dont...I love him. And I admire him. And I have to release him. He is not mine.

Please God, ignore my cries for reconciliation. I still believe in this process. Even when I feel like my heart can take no more, and my mind is filled with tormenting thoughts and images, I believe that this is right. I believe that I can and will love again, once I heal. I believe that I am in the fire of healing right now. I believe that one day, we will have the best relationship ever! We will do so for our children. We will share a genuine love, (albeit not romantic) and still exhibit respect for each other. My children are loved by us both and that will never stop. Please God, help me and help him if he feels any pain from this seperation as well. May you heal both our hearts, so that we can once again find your love within them. Amen

Why does vomit taste so bad?

I was just pondering why upchuck has to hurt, be violent, AND taste bad on top of that. Ever since the parting in my depression, I have been existing on two levels, it seems. One part is still heavy and weary, and surrounding that part of me is hope and knowlege that things are indeed improving. So I am learning what it truly means to maintain faith. The only thing is, as life is clearing things to make way for better things...it feels pretty bad sometimes. And I am finding it not yet an automatic response to relax and let God do his thing. My car is dying. The one car that we have...When it became apparent to me, I freaked out!!! My man has three jobs, last month he had none...today he has THREE! And I work 20 miles from home. I am thinking, what are we going to do? I dont want a car note. Been there, done that. Not prepared to do it again, we need childcare for two infants, and gas is $4.00 a gallon, and he needs a truck? WTF? And while I'm spewing negativity left and right...complaining about how hard it is to live in the 'meantime'. My man is looking at me in disbelief. "Who are you?", he asks me. While I feel that life is falling apart, he feels it is finally coming together. And things are sometimes uncomfortable when forces are being rearranged. What the? When did he get all Guru on me? haha Of course he is right, and I am just trippin'! How did I get in this place? Where am I? Its so unfamiliar here...and scary, but this is life! LIfe is clearing out all the old garbage. Car is breaking down, phone is messing up, I am being held accountable for things that never used to register on my radar. I am having bouts of emotional upheavals, hopelessness, despair, fear, optimism, love, elation, joy, pride. I am excited about the postive side, but I am literally sick with the 'other' side. I dont like to feel bad things...but they are there. Ugh. Upchuck sucks!

Day 2

So far, so good. I didnt get hungry at all yesterday. I did have a headache for a little while, but discomfort is to be expected when your body begins to move all the 'gunk' out. Last night before bed, my face began to break out a bit, but was all gone when I woke up. My skin is smoother and my eyes are a bit brighter. My energy levels are up and rising. Today is a good day! I dont want to be obsessed with the scale since I am not doing this fast for weight loss, but I would be fake to ignore the tiny joy I found when I stepped on the scale and was 4 lbs. lighter!


My emotions, which were explosive yesterday are starting to mellow out a bit. I got stranded on the freeway after work yesterday, miles from an exit, no cell phone. Instead of panicking, I moved away from the smoking car and just leaned on the road and prayed. Within two minutes my angel appeared, and she sat with me. Offered me love and encouragement and called AAA and got my car towed to my dads house. My dad brought me to work today. My car should be up and running by the weekend. So I am super excited about that! Things are coming together...very nicely. Not in the way I would have guessed, but pretty good nonetheless. Have a great day!

Taking A Time Out.

Today is day one of a 10 day fast. I usually fast about 3-4 times a year, but with all the commotion of back to back pregnancies, I didnt get the chance (save once) in the last two years and I am feeling it. It is time. My body is overloaded with all the crapola that I have exposed it to, and its time for me to begin the arduous process of letting it go. I am excited about it, as I am actually prepared for the feeling of release. I am letting go of things that I dont need to be holding on to so tightly anyway. So here we go.

The plan is to do a full 10 days of fasting. And then two days of soup and two days of just vegetation and hopefully keep it like that. Optimally, I would like to cease eating meat after the fast. But that may be a bit ambitious, we'll see! Ideally, I will be eating only whole foods. No need to cleanse and detox and then go right back to the habits that have me in this bit of a cleansing crisis in the first place. I am so excited about it!

Mood: Optimistic
Energy Level: Higher than usual (specially with no cof-feine!!)

Gotta work now, been putting it off for an hour and a half!

Need

I am feeling heavy lately. My insides feel like they weigh a TON! I know that I can alleviate this by just TALKING to my man about how I feel. But that is really proving to be more difficult than I could have imagined. I am going to mess around and have an anxiety attack from all of the feelings that I am trying to stifle. I can feel myself literally moving things around to not show myself. Its hard work. But honestly, its the way I do things. For most of my life. I dont like uncomfortable feelings, so I usually try to convince myself that I'm not having them. Only this time...its not working so well. They are there. They are with me when I awake, as I work, on my commute, when I talk to others, and even infiltrating my dreams. My true feelings are there...threatening to expose my heart and ruin the hard and 'controlled' exterior that I have tried to create for myself. I am afraid. I am afraid because for the first time in my life..I NEED - And I cant hide it. I cant talk my way out of it...cant make believe that I dont. There is something inside of me that I cannot deny. And my inability to hide it...makes me feel weak. I dont want this. This cannot be...but it is. And that scared me. I feel like I am unraveling at the seams. I am losing my friggin mind! My heart is closed. And I feel it opening...and that scares me. Because along with loving fully...I will be fully exposed. Naked. Open to be......touched. And I'm not sure thats what I want. I want to be embraced...but not held. Felt, but not touched. Loved, but not open. And I know that these are impossibities, one cannot exist without the other...but what am I to do? Fear has me frozen. For the first time in a long time...my need for love...is much larger than my fear of it. And I dont know how to let go...and just embrace the emergence of need. What do I do with it? Do I stomp the ground trying to satisfy it...or is it enough just to admit, the hardest thing that I have ever had to admit...I, Wakeelah...need.

Mommy part Deaux

That chick is dying. That chick I wanted to be for so long. That chick that was Fly beyond belief and just doin her damn thing. She is dying in favor of another chick...who I am terrified of. The mother of two. Help me mothers cuz I have so many demons regarding this.

I dont want to belive that children kill your dreams or defer them so far that YOU find it hard to recognize them...but deep down in the silence, I do.
I dont want to feel that any chance of fabulousity or real personal growth is gone...but deep down in the silence I do.
I dont want to think that I have to trade my self for the shoes of being a "mother"read: martyr...but I do...(yeah I got issues with that too)

See here's a little background...My mom said things all the time to the effect of..."I wanted to but I had yall to think about..." or she would say..."that would have been nice, but I have kids..." And at the time I would think...HA HA! (SIMPSONS) But now...these things are resurfacing...Is it possible to still be who I am and be a mother. To continue to grow and not fuck up their life, as I am still learning? Can I be the woman of my dreams and still have a family with familial obligations? I feel like my world, though enriched in many ways is closing in around me. I feel like I need to make some serious DECISIONS...major commitments! I dont feel it with urgency, but I do feel it with certainty. The intensity is unmistakable. I am about to be two little humans mother. Am I even big enough for this job? I try to say, God knows what He's doing..but then I remind myself it was not God who got me pregnant. Well I guess that depends on what you believe, but neither here nor there. I am AFRAID. Moreso than ever before. Who am I going to be? I am so afraid of losing myself in this process...I feel the remnants of my former self slipping into oblivion more and more each day. When I cant wait to get to my son...and his awesome smile. I think that is so awesome to love him so much...then panic takes over and wonders what happened to the girl who wanted such and such. She is not really here anymore. This is such a curious notion to me...I am changing. And I am aware of it AS it is happening. Im sure this is all normal. Priorities change, desires change, LIFE changes...But I never noticed before I guess. Now its hard not to notice. I am not in Kansas anymore...and Kansas wasnt the spot to be...but I shole do miss it! Sigh...