I am short on...

Money, Time, Money, Sanity, Peace, Clarity, MUTHA FUGGGIN MONEY!!!! Sigh...

Note to people!!!

If I must objectify myself...I would say that I am a nice person. Its true! I am! Not necessarily because I like to be nice to you...but because it feels better for me to be nice. Its easy to condemn someone...but it feels better to try and understand you. Its easy to just let whatever I'm thinking roll of my tongue...but it feels better to exercise tact. Its easy to attack those who hurt me...but it feels better to take responsibillity for my own experience that I AM HAVING. I am not who I am to benefit YOU at all! I'm actually much more selfish than that. I am the way that I am...because it feels better to live my life in this way. Yes...being this way can be a double edged sword, lots of people dont understand how I can function the way I do...Shit! Half the time...I dont either...but I know that it feels better this way. It is easy to point the finger...but it feels better to accept what IS. It is easy to judge others...VERY EASY! So I'mma leave this one alone...cuz...hahaha ya know! But all in all the point is...just because I am what most would consider a nice person...does not mean that I ALWAYS want to be bothered. I dont like to to always be that person that people think is always upbeat and ready to listen to your nothingness. I mean come on!? Do you not hear me at all???? I am cool peeps...but I dont want to hear your shit all the time. I have my own shit to process...I do not have the capacity to handle both of ours...so dear friends, when I am more quiet than usual...please dont perch yourself near me...and attempt to siphon my vibes. It makes me ANGRY! I am entitled to attitude days...or weeks, or months if I wanna...cuz sometimes..that feels better. Get it? Got it! GOOD. Now ya have a wonderful day nah...Ya hear??

Forgetting Family Values

How do you raise your family...or a better yet 'fashion' your family in a way that is not the way that you were raised without being offensive to those who raised you? This is a dilemna that I face on a regla. Now...I'm sure my mom did the best she did with what she had to work with...(took a while and SEVERAL self-help books to get me to THAT conclusion). But I want to mix things up and do things a little different for my own family. See...I am a bit more health conscious than my family is. And while I do not have healthy living down to a science, my children give me the extra motivation necessary to REALLY make it happen. I want them to live in healthy, well functioning bodies...as their little systems have a lot to contend with in our modern world.

What seemed commonplace in my childhood raises definite red flags in my mind now. Like sugar consumption...and salt...and childhood obesity and obese-related illness. Even my views on showing children respect, fostering creativity and freely giving affection are all in STARK contrast to the values that my family places on them. My family considers children who are cherished, SPOILED. And children who are allowed to voice their opinions, OUT OF CONTROL. Whenever I dont want for my 11 month old son to over indulge in sweet things...I get "THE LOOK" from my mom...followed by her explanation that children need sugar sometimes! Need? And that time would be?? When their blood sugar is low. Last time I checked...Sugar was poison...and then she goes on to point out that I eat it...and blah blah. which is true...and I know in order for me to REALLY preach this...it will first have to become a practice...but my point is, right now my sons eating habits are being formed...and I would like for them to include heatlthy things...not just what every other parent I know allows their child to eat. I dont want him to even get it ingrained in his head that a cheeto is a food. Not to say that he wont ever have these things...but it is not my desire that he does...and in his first few years will probably be the only time when I can ABSOLUTELY guarantee that he wont indulge in empty calories.

When he is frustrated...and lets it out...Yes it gets on my nerves...but who I am to stop him from having a normal reaction to his desires beign thwarted...I mean...I'm no a happier when I dont get my way...only as an adult, I have learned more effective ways of dealing with that feeling. I'm SURE, (despite what mama says) I didnt come out knowing exactly how to deal with not getting what I want. I am just tired of feeling like my parenting and my views on the world are 'incorrect'. I am tired of when my child cries...for my FAMILY to say...Girl your son is {insert some bullshit here} spoiled, a cry baby, too loud, whatever. I know he can be a handfull sometimes...but he is my BABY! My first baby. And all I know is that I want the ABSOLUTE BEST FOR HIM! So if that means...drinking less juice and having more fruit, or snacking on vegetable sticks, whats the problem? Why is that viewed as a bad thing to those I hold most dear? sigh...I guess it was denial...cuz this really REALLY bothers me.

We still cool right?

So this is the deal...I hold a lot in. Well I used to...cuz lately with the heightened sensitivity and all, I notice just how much it takes to sugarcoat things...or try and pretend that things are okay when they are not. I always thought that was a symbol of maturity to deal with life's seeming injustices with a (forced smile)...but lately, I'm just seeing things in a different light. I am very tactful. Its something I pride myself on...A lot of times If I cant find a "light" enough way to say something, I just hold it in. Causing myself, (and now conseqently my child) a lot of anguish. FUCK THAT! I am not going to allow anyone in this world to think they can say or do whatever the fuck they want to...and I will just DEAL! What the hell was I thinking? And the problem is...People EXPECT for me to show up the same way I always have...and that girl is GONE! I am not going to be persuaded to think like the majority! I am not going to feel bad for being who I am. Actually its all good. Because the more honest I am to me...the more honest I can be with my entire world. And the more honest everyone can be with me. My relationships are improving, my attitude seems worse...but thats only cuz I'm facing a lot of oppostion for speaking my mind. Its like some people think I should consider the feelings of everyone else...then me. Ha ha! Not in MY LIFE! In my life...MY shit comes first! The end. I am not going to inconvenience myself so that you feel more comfortable around me. What the fuck kinda shit is that??? If you can't handle me as I am...then whose problem is that? Mine? Sheeeeeyiiid!!!! AAAANNNNNT! Wrong answer...moving right along...la la la!

Take your own advice FIRST!!!!

Now...normally I dont give advice. AT ALL! If I have been in similar situations or believe that life has given me privy information that may be helpful to help you through something...then I will offer you what I have...with the preface..."In my experience"...or soemthing to that effect. I would NEVER tell anyone what they should do...because I am aware that I dont see your life from the broadest perspective. I see it from MY perspective-an outside one. AND, I only see what you allow me to see...Your words cannot help me 'feel' your experience. They can only describe it to me...and I get to interpret that through my FILTERS. Not always impartial...if I must say so myself. So...knowing that I am not always of a clear mind, I just try and listen...and be at least a sounding board that you can bounce ideas off of to fix your own problem...especially when I know that being IN a situation ALWAYS makes it that much harder to actually DO what seems to be the obvious solution. So...that being said...I leave advice to your therapists and people who have control issues. I stay out of that whole thing. However it would be wise of me to understand that not everyone shares that sentiment. Actually most people JUMP at the chance to offer their two cents...and almost everyone thinks that thier advice is worth Gold. I mean its yours right? Of course you do! Hmph! I witnessed a battle of the EGO's this weekend that made me sick! Like literally sick.

Picture it...Detroit...2007...My mom and the oil change guy...going back and forth complaining about the lack of good men/women--BOTH of them pretending to be the victims of some consipiracy for them not to be happy. Somehow..they do everything right in a relationship...but ALWAYS get shitted on...and they fed off of each other...and IT grew bigger and bigger...and so did my RAGE! I kept my mouth shut the ENTIRE time while I listened to them make GROSS GENERALIZATIONS based on their limited experiences, and then justify their wrong behaviour by them. But after all was said and done...they both claimed to LOVE the opposite sex! hahahha I seriously doubt it. Nothing that came out of either one of their mouths had even the slightest tinge of love involved. It was I gotta get you before you get me...cuz I've been gotten before. I understand...you are hurt..but both of them claimed to be healed and to have let go of the past...yet somehow still findin themselves in the same predicaments...and neither had the awareness to question their own roles in that...that IRKED.ME.TO.NO.END. Blame, accusation, he did it, she done it...pooor pooor me! Whenver I'm going thru something...after I vent about the injustices in the world. (dont we all?) I ask...so what is it that is IN ME that is attracting this vile shit into my life??? Usually I come up with something. Not an easy thing to change...but a starting point nonetheless. It was too damn hot yesterday for me to sit thru that...and apparently it bothered me even more than I thought...cuz I still have 'feelings' about it a whole day later. Sigh...me and my damn feelings!

Now dont get it twisted, I did question why I had such a strong reaction to it...(aside from the fact that they sounded sooo DUMB to me) and I'm either still waiting for the answer...or decided to ignore it--cuz I KNOW I dont act like that!! :)

WTF is wrong with my layout?

When I look at the layout screen...everything is as it should be...but when I close it ...it looks like this!!! ARGH!

Questions for today?

1) Why must I feel apologetic...cuz I'm not in the mood for bull shit today?
~ I handle my fair amount of shit with a smile most days, why am I not entitled to just ONE DAMN DAY...where I can allow my mood to reflect the TRUTH of the situation. I know I'm at work...but damn. I am not a robot..and there is only so many fake azz smiles that I can give...right?

Hahaha--okay that is the only question for today. I am not feeling very upbeat today...yes I have my reasons...the extreme heat that blanketed my city last night. My lack of air conditioning. My son sleeping RIGHT.UP.UNDER.ME despite our lack of air conditioning. The fact that I got a whopping 2 hours of sleep last night. I.AM.PREGNANT!! And apparently not one of those bouncy preggos either. And normally,I TRY to shake it off for the cause...however some days that is easier than others. I am sure that I am a grouch (as my family and friends remind me DAILY) But damn...whats wrong with that? Why cant I be MAD AZ HELL sometimes without people trying to FIX me...there's nothing wrong...I'm in a bad mood. Do you not have bad moods? Is it strange to just notice a mood in someone and just let it be? Or should I use all my energy to try and cover it up? SO THAT 'THEY' WILL FEEL MORE AT EASE. What chall think? I smile on cue...do all the professional tricks that I am paid to do. What is the big effin deal???