If you knew...you'd feel pity. So usually, I dont share.

So much of my thoughts are here...but some I just cant. I wish I could. because telling them to God hasnt done much...so I need to get them out. But there are just too many people that I know that read this, and I truly dont feel like the questioning eyes, random pleasantries that otherwise would not be extended, and just that feeling... poor you!!

Looking at my sons makes me stronger. Looking at them and wondering if I can do this for us? Makes me feel my failure DEEPLY.

I work (albeit late as hell) every day. And the payoff is not what I need. Do you know what it feels like to not have what you need? Do you know what it feels like to not have what you NEED with two children? Maybe, maybe not. But it doesnt feel good. I am a fighter. I have suffered worse. But sigh... So tired. I smile through it...DAILY! I smile over it and around it, minute by minute.

I.am.tired.

That is all.

Working on making the best out of the rest of this day. Hope you are too! Hope its easier for you too!

If I were a boy....

Or at the very least if I didnt give a fuck....

Then I could:

• Care less about how people throw their opinions around about me.
• Live my life without cares or conerns about my childrens wherabouts and the such.
• Tell a bitch to SUCK MY DICK if they say something that I dont appreciate.
• Live my life without concern about the future, and how my present choices are shaping it.
• Be' okay' with the fact that some people dont want me to thrive. Even if they are my family.

But luckily for me and my boys...I do give a fuck! And I do care that my "loved ones" especially those closest to me blatantly dont want me to succeed in life. Well, if you asked, of COURSE they would say the contrary...however...your actions speak louder than your words. I wish you the best! But you have just removed yourself from the front row of my life.

I know that its hard right now...but it will be fine. I understand. And I know you do too. We just have to keep the faith, and continue to pray and be supportive.

I dont know how you can fit in right now. LIfe is so heavy. I'm unloading it as we speak...and I love your energy...but... sigh...timing is TERRIBLE!!!

FYI--I know who I am. I know my worth...so when you try and convince me otherwise, it sounds OH SO GREEK to me. It may hurt me...but not because I believe you, but because you have just changed before my eyes. You went from someone who I always thought I would love unconditonally, to someone who I have to handle with a long handled spoon. That ish hurts. But...so be it!

{sometimes i feel my sensitivity is a curse....}

But my sensitivity makes me more aware of the truth...and you know what is said about TRUTH!

Yeah...I believe that too! Thanks for that MAMA! You fuggin rock! You let me know... and I love you for it!

Round and Round

I have a startling realization. I have been dreaming of the same accomplishments for at least 4 years. During this transitional time in life, I am being led to get to the root of a lot of my issues. For the current moment that means purging and cleansing. I was going through some notebooks and realized that my goals are EXACTLY the same as they were FOUR years ago.

In my right mind...they are not so huge that they should have taken this long. Basically most of my entries were about how I wanted excellent health, healthy finances, lots of love, an active and satizfying social life, a beautiful appearance, warm and inviting home, real frienship, confidence, creative outlets, and entrepeneurship.

Each notebook was full of variations of this. Then sidenotes from God or my angels, or just the part of me that KNOWS that I can be, do and have anything that I set my mind to, would offer me encouragment, inspiration and LOVE..in the form of GO FOR IT!

Yet years later...here I am. More responsiblity, more emotional and mental weight...and the EXACT same goals. Why? I asked myself...and the answer came to me last night during a conversation with my neighbor.

There are a few 'things' necessary for success and accomplishments of anything. And those things make me have a physical reaction so strong that it became BLATANTLY apparent what the problem was.

The reasons were not not, as I previously assumed, that i wasnt good enough...or worthy of a happy life.
It is not because I did some ill ish in the past and this is payback.
Its not because I am just not smart, cute, confident, open...[insert any other self perceived flaw here]...


its simple...I dont plan to achieve my goals...I 'hope' to.

Hope is a sticky thing for me. I am a believer that if a dream is placed in your heart, then it truly is already yours. So why dont i have mine God?

The answer:

Because you dont intend to have it. Because if I did...I would plan for it. I would prepare my life for it. Thats what people do when they know that something is coming into their lives. Just like when I knew my children were on their way. There were preparations that were made. Thing to buy, think about , learn....but somehow that doesnt automatically translate into other areas of my life.

I want to lose weight! What is the plan? uh.... eat better, work out more...
That is NOT a plan. That is a vague and grossly underestimated phrase that describes the basic premise of what needs to be done. Thankfully, God gave me (and all of us) the ability of self awareness...so that while I know that is the basis, I also know that I have issues with portion sizes, binge emotional eating, and late night snacking. KNOWING this opens up the space for me to make a (sharp inhale)..PLAN!!

I want to be a WAHM! whats the plan? open my own business
That is not a plan, that it the solution, but the PLAN...needs to be specific, step by step INTENTIONS that measures your progress.

As smart as I think I am...this concept is like Swahili to me. I've heard of it. It may be nice to know...but I just cant get behind it! WTF?

I REALLY am my biggest sabateur... Now its like...what now?

PLAN to be your biggest motivator!
Plan to achieve what you see in your mind.
Noone else can imagine, work towards or achieve my goals for my life. Oh how I wish they could...

My name means responsible leader.... God help me to live up to my names sake. I do NOT want to read my journals in 2011, and still be wanting basic things, that are easily within my reach. I am too good for that! I know too much, our relationship it TOO tight, my resources are TOO abundant, I have TOO much potential to continue to play myself out like I am cheap AND on the clearance rack! Help me to love me enough to push through the irrelevant thoughts in my mind that tells me, "you cant do that!", "who do you think you are?", "thats unrealistic...for you"
"you'll never be on that level" "Why try? you will just fail and be embarrassed for even thinking you deserved to be happy" SHUT THEM THE FUCK UP!!!! I HATE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO ME!!!!

I must hate me, cuz they are me.

And then I go to other places, where the people seem genuinely happy and at ease in their lives. They have lives, that are true and authentic and unique to them and they are fed and renewed by their lives. And I LOVE them for showing me what it looks like, but I feel so much envy...because I just dont think I will ever be that way... I say I do... I act like I believe that (Hey! fake it til you make it right?) But...alas the truth remains the same... I dont believe that love is in store for me. I dont believe success is in store for me. I dont believe that there will ever be a time where I will be anywhere near at ease. I expect stress, hurt, and lack. And by the Laws invested in the Universe...that is what I receive. I know its not a coincidence... I believe in the Law. How do I change my beliefs? How do I go deep into my heart and change whats there? HOW (method wise) does one truly change from lack to abundnce consciousness.

I do affirmations. I pray, I meditate, I attempt forgiveness, I give, I encourage others to reach for the stars... but....

Fuuuuuuuckkkkk! Why cant i just snap the fuck out of this and get it TOGETHER??!!!!

If I didnt have the WORLDS BEST KIDS....

I would want to die RIGHT NOW!

Have you ever been so unhappy that you just wanted life to end, so that your soul could be free? Maybe I could live another life, in a another universe. And in that universe...I'm okay, just the way I am.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I do. I KNOW this. But I cannot lie, even after looking at all these things, this terrible unhappiness is doing me in. I just dont feel like living much anymore. Usually being at work intensifies these feelings. Not that I dont like what I do...but because I dont want to do it right now. Does that make any sense. My job is fulfilling in a lot of ways... but my soul is just so restless playing small. Yet, I'm terrified of revealing my true nature. I'm so tired of being afraid, but I cant shake this feeling. This monkey on my back is gaining weight. I am not getting stronger carrying all these burdens...I am being worn down. I have visions of a happy life, a fulfilling life, a truly blessed life. And in some ways, I honestly do believe that it can be mine...but will it? In my heart, I dont believe it.

I believe that I am destined to do what I think others expect of me... be a burdened broke down single mom. Eventually running from man to man, searching for the love that little girl Keelah never got from Daddy. Trying to be all that mama tried to make her be. Trying not to repeat the past, but living the predestined role without opportunity for change.

I either starve my sorrows, or compulsively feed them.

I either ignore them, or chief and listen to them.

I know who I am...but I cant live it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so damaged...how can I fix it? Is it even possible?

I'm good people, I know it! But I'm so afraid. Of life, of love, of success, of failure. I am LITERALLY scared to breathe!!! (I hold my breath MOST of the time)

I feel like I am suffocating in this life! Literally unable to function... I want to go lay down under the covers and cry til I cant cry anymore.... but I cant even do that right!

I need an epidural...removal of all pain... I'm tired of being hurt... I'm just so, so tired.

My sons deserve better than this... but I am not better than this...and I'm all they've got!

I need a shot of faith...in the vein. I am dying today.... but the tragic part is...I will probably live until tomorrow...to suffer all over again. But if God is so gracious as to take my spirit from this wretched existence...then will my sons even know how very deeply I love them? How I pray so deeply that my love for them is enough... How I pray every night to wake up different. For them. To feel that I deserve them.

But...alas...I woke up, (late again) still this FUCKED UP MESS! God...why are you not ending this misery??? Why? If you love me so much...why not just KILL ME NOW!!!?????

I cant do this for much longer...I.just...cant!

I hurt...

I hurt so bad. The more that time goes on...the more I hurt. Its not like normal, when you break up and then take time to grieve. Each time I look at my childrens' face, I see him and I see our failure. I see the moments in the past, where we should have let it go...or actually made a change...but instead, we continued on as if somehow time would improve us. I really thought we were going through a 'bad patch'. We are not. It is over. For EVER.Sigh.

I listen to him. He has valid issues. I dropped the ball in a lot of ways. I hurt him too! Its not all about me. He feels that he played himself...He feels that we should have been over. The last attempt at 'us' was because of our children.

"I love you, he says, but when you gave up on you...it turned me off. You no longer cared about yourself, or me, or US. You always give up. You left me years ago..."



You know what? he may be right. If I look deeply enough, I will see that my actions state EXACTLY that, but my heart says something completely different. I simply withdrew because I know I had ish to handle within myself. But there is no way to go back in time and right the wrongs that happened.

Guess from here I learn and live. And move on.

God that hurts. The touching of my soul. The revelations. The truth. It makes me hold my breath to stop the pain. It makes me cry until I cant anymore. Every night. It makes me doubt my worth. It makes me feel so abandoned and unlovable. It makes me think its all my fault. It makes me worry that I will never find anyone who 'gets' me. It makes me think that I am going to be my mother.

I am in fact repeating the past. I am a single mom of two kids, just like she was (at least she was married to my dad, though) I too am closing my already hardened heart even more, to try and deflect some of the intensity of the pain I feel. I dont want to hurt forever. I want to let it go...but.I.cant!!! I try and get him to say hurtful things, so that I can hate him and use that hate to facilitate healing...but it is only hurting more. Help.

Questions on my mind...What does she do, that I couldnt? (pointless question that simply makes me feel worse)

Why couldnt we both just 'work it out'?

Why does this seem to be affecting me WAAAY worse than it is him?

How can he just try and fill my spot so quickly?

I hate him. I really dont...I love him. And I admire him. And I have to release him. He is not mine.

Please God, ignore my cries for reconciliation. I still believe in this process. Even when I feel like my heart can take no more, and my mind is filled with tormenting thoughts and images, I believe that this is right. I believe that I can and will love again, once I heal. I believe that I am in the fire of healing right now. I believe that one day, we will have the best relationship ever! We will do so for our children. We will share a genuine love, (albeit not romantic) and still exhibit respect for each other. My children are loved by us both and that will never stop. Please God, help me and help him if he feels any pain from this seperation as well. May you heal both our hearts, so that we can once again find your love within them. Amen

Getting my ass beat again...

Fast Forward. I am 12 years old. I had a little middle school boyfriend. We will call him Joe. Because that was his name. We used to 'go together'. It was nothing serious at all...until he wanted to have sex...that wasnt even on my radar. We broke up or stopped talking, whatever you want to call it. He went on to 'talk to' my friend Brandi. She was very pretty, very curvy, a popular kid because of that. She was a very innocent type of girl though. However, the combination of those attributes made her a hot commodity in the middle school circuit.

I dont remember feeling any ill feelings towards her about breaking the code. Probablyl because I didnt even know a code existed. I was however, a bit perturbed that she told me that Joe didnt even acknowledge that we used to kick it. I wondered why? But it passed whatever, I was young and those things were really unimportant to me. One day, Joe came up to me and said he missed me. He said that Brandi was pretty but he really wanted me back. He missed our conversations. So...naturally I told Brandi...because she was my friend, he on the other hand wasnt shit! Well the next day at school as I walking through a crowded hallway I saw him marching towards me with fury in his eyes. Immediately, I felt that familiar panic. I knew this wasnt good. He asked me why I told Brandi those lies. I saw her cowering in the hallway behind him, avoiding my eye contact. I looked him square in the face and said, "I didnt lie". And so he hit me! Right in the hallway in front of everyone. And then proceeded to put me in the headlock and keep punching me in my side and gut. Background noise was just that...I couldnt BE-LIEVE this was happening!! I also remember noticing that my friend Brandi was nowhere to be seen. When the bell rung, he let me go and the chaos cleared. I went into science class and I heard people talking about it. "I'm okay...it was nothing" was what I said. Humiliation is what I felt. And hurt that my friend didn't even come to my defense. She told me she was afraid. "Afraid of what??" I thought. He wouldnt hit his precious Brandi! Sigh...but alas. Here I was again, being attacked...with noone to come to my defense.

The beliefs that I have because of these two events alone are:

I am not good enough.
I am out here all alone.
I cannot trust my friends.
Telling the truth attracts punishment.


I'm sure I was supposed to learn to depend on myself. To be able and willing to defend myself in times of need. To not have expectations of others just because I have them for myself. But I was young...and I took the experiences with the wisdom of a young child. And now they are locked in my consciousness as victimization. And I honestly for the VERY LIFE of me dont know the 'technical workings' of getting them out. Or changing them for the better.

I am crippled by outdated beliefs, but I dont know how to change them, in a meaningful way. Sigh...well just anotha day...blasting to the past!

"Things"

I love straight flowing hair, but I wear mine natural and in a puff.
I love chic, fashionable clothing, but I wear *sigh*.
I love to love, but I avoid it like the plague.
I love to have "real" conversations, but I keep things superficial.
I love manicured nails and feet, but I keep biting my nails off.
I love unique beautiful things, but I buy dull monotonous things.
I love healthy living, but I dont subscribe to my love anymore. I fight my loves tooth and nail. I dont want to be who I know I am...I am fighting...and I am winning and losing at the same time. I think I am SKITZO!!!

Withdrawn

I have been withdrawn from life for so long, I am not sure how to get back in the game. For so long, I assumed that nothing I did really mattered in the big scheme of things, but I am noticing that inquiring minds want to know. People want to know how I am, what I do, how my family is...and I must confess...at first I would be very skeptical. Now, I'm figuring that I am the weird one. I would not ask questions about others lives. I am more than willing to listen if they want to talk, but I am just not good at this whole "friend" thing. I am trying. But it is hard. I have lost so many friends due to me continually turning down invites and just keeping my distance from them emotionally. I figure that getting close to another just opens me up for too much, and I will be overwhelmed. I guess its selfish not to be willing to share yourself with another human...but it is what it is.

Last night, I caught myself making smart comment after smart comment towards my man. And in my mind...I'm asking, "Why are you doing that?", "You seem to be against him not his partner" and I figured that maybe that is the way I keep him at bay. I dont share what I feel with him, because I dont know. He let me know a long time ago that emotional things was NOT something that he preferred to entertain, and instead of letting that go in one ear and out the other, I did what I have done since I can remember...I just shut them down. I just pretend that I dont have feelings. And I realized what that is costing me. It makes him think that everything is fine, when its not. It makes me lie to myself, and work extra hard to keep the truth inside, which of course can make you sick, depressed and left feeling very lonely. And as of late, I am CONSCIOUSLY trying to get in touch with ALL of the feelings that I have buried inside of me. Tucked neatly away, where I am not aware of them. Unfortunately, its been so long, I am afraid to look at whats there. But thats the only way I can be free...I am afraid to change. I am afraid to show up one day FEELING. What if people are turned off by someone so obviously sensitive? Someone who 'needs' closeness and intimacy? What if no one wants to be around someone like that? (I know I am turned off by that) Well then I guess that saves me the trouble of pushing people away huh? Cant push away whose not there.

I feel like for so many years, I have been on this path of trying to hide myself. I tried to dull myself down, pretend that there is nothing at all worthy in myself. Pretend that I dont feel like I deserve to be happy. And for what??? So that I could 'identify' with the world around me? Well the world around me is dying of lack of love and lack of passion. Lack of integrity, Lack of truth. And I am tired of pretending that living at half throttle is okay. I am tired of feeling like I need a savior. I am tired of pretending that what I need is an external change of some sort. I am just plain tired...

How do I know its time for a makeover?

...Well not just because I havent switched up my style in FOREVER!! Not just because I have no real discernable personal "style" at all...not just because the call for a more personalized "me" is calling from the depths of my soul, but because of two occurences that happened less than 12 hours apart.


Setting: Last night on the couch with my man.

Me: I am so lazy, I dont feel like washing anything...so I am going to wear "the" skirt tomorrow. (few minutes elapses and I feel anxiety)

Me: I can't believe I am going to wear a skirt tomorrow.

Nard: You should wear more skirts, you look very good in them. Besides, whats the big deal...you ARE a girl. (he says this as IF I dont know *sigh*) But come to think of it...you dont do ANYTHING that girls do. Dress up...comb your hair!

Me: Sticking tongue out! But definately taking it in. He notices. How would he not?...but he SAID something. *Sigh*

Fast forward to today...My office manager is walking toward me...she excitedly exclaims with MUCHO ENTHUSIASM!!! "Oh that is SO COOL what you've done with your hair!!!"

Me: Copnfused look, because all I did was make my puff a bit higher today. (yes I was rushing again)

Her (upon closer examination-with slight disappointment): "Oh thats just the ribbon in your hair"...then she adds hopefully, "I thought you had burgundy highlights".

Me: Okay, Okay I get it!!!! I NEED a change. SIGH!

Dropped the ball...

I work at a virtual office...and one of our clients numbers must be similar to a crisis center, because I have received two calls from there since I have worked here...the first one being a new mother who had NOTHING for the newborn she was about to receive the next day. I was a new mom myself, so my heart went out to her. I packed up all of the clothes that my baby could no longer fit...and took them to her. I dont know what motivated me to do it...I just hate to hear people in distress...specially when I can relate...however--

Fast forward to today...a young lady called in...looking for a crisis center. The correct response being, "You have the wrong number". But I asked her...well what is the problem? And she told me...NOt to tell all her business..but she has a mental illness that she cannot take medicine for due to her being pregnant, 7.5 months to be exact...sound familiar?? Well it should, cuz I am...and her baby will be one in a week...mine in a month. She told me that her family doesnt want to deal with her...because they dont understand her illness and they just think she is a liar, with "issues". Her man just left her because of the same thing. When I heard all of this...my heart began to ache. She was obviously a young woman...and I felt the "tired" in her voice. I heard a voice...offering her my number just in case she needed to vent. I heard myself saying this over and over again...as I searched online for a number for her to call. I BLATANTLY ignored this voice. Telling myself, that I am not a professional, I cannot help her...and this may be true...but I honestly think that I was more afraid of actually having to KNOW her pain. Because her pain was VERY similar to my own...and it scared the shit out of me. When I hung up...I immediately regretted not extending myself...at a time when we could both have used it. I immediately regretted it. I feel heavy. Not as heavy as I do with my own...ish! But i feel like that could have been for me...that could have been a way for us both to heal...or at least talk to someone who could truly understand the other...tho I'm not bi-polar! (At least I dont think I am--sometimes I must wonder :)) I guess that if it is really meant for us to hook up...then somehow we will find each other again. I'm sorry God, for dropping the ball on that one. I dont think it could have been more obvious...and I ran away like a little POWNK! Please forgive me.

Adjustments...

My man doesnt live in Michigan...with me and our son. He currently resides in New Orleans. We have had two week long visits with him in the last 2 months. He calls me every day. Sends me and My-mi lots of love and sweet words. He sends a nice amount of moola every two weeks or so. Sometimes more frequently...never less. He is trying to do what he feels if fiscally best for our growing family.

I am pregnant. I am working. I do not like to work. It was under the assumption that when he made enough to cover our living expenses and after the baby in my belly is born, that I would not work. We would all move to Mississippi and blah, blah, blah...Happily ever after!

Well since the original plan, I have decided that moving south is not going to happen right now. Mainly because my family is here...and they are in love with my child. They help me a lot and I dont want to be seperated from them especially while my children are young. They deserve to have their grandparents in their life. My parents are the only ones they have. Besides...after living there for two months...he KNOWS it is not a place where he wants to live. Or raise our family. He is city to the bone!

Now...the dilemna...while he is away...I am adjusting...as any creature that you put in any environment will eventually do. I am adjusting to living a life without him. Where I was once in despair about not seeing him every day, I am becoming 'comfortable' with our daily phone calls. Where I was in agony over being in a single parent situation, I am becoming 'comfortable' doing all that needs to be done. Where I was once devastated by going through this pregnancy alone, I am finding solace in the love of my child and the growth of the one in my belly. I mean...did yall hear...I even kill bugs now! BIG ONES. I am scared. I am scared that he is being phased out of my life. I dont want to believe this...but this is my experience. I dont even talk much about it...because the indifference is scary. When he first left it was so hard...I didnt tell him how much I missed him because I didnt want to be viewed as unsupportive, however now I mention every day...that he needs to COME HOME. Not so much because I miss him, but I fear if he doesnt come home and reclaim his space in my life...that it may no longer be there waiting for him. I have not told him this...because honestly, I dont know how. How do you say, " I know you've not been gone that long, and you're doing this for us...but this space is not healthy for us...and yeah we have two kids...but...." See I dont even know HOW to do that. I.dont.know. Our connection is not feeling very strong right now. When he calls me before I go to bed...or leaves a message because I'm already out...I feel so conflicted. I want to tell him how I feel...but I fear what is on the other side of this conversation...I am such a big PUNK! This is life. Raw as it gets for me. This is one of the most REAL situations I have been in. And I'm not dropping the ball...I'm just not doing anything else with it either. Sigh. I guess now would be a good time to pray.

Big azz bug(s)!!!!

So...I go to the bathroom a lot right. TMI? Maybe...but true. So I usually dont acutally LOOK! Cuz its pretty autopilot at this point. Well yesterday...I am about to leave my bathroom and I look down...and to my surprise...what do I see? Well I dont know...but I think it was a friggin cricket or something. It was the BIGGEST BUG I have EVER SEEN INDOORS!! MAYBE EVER!!! The fear gripped my throat, and chest...it was SOOO ugly! Did I mention it was SOOO BIG??? Now normally this is where my high pitched scream comes into play, so that my man will come and scream at me for screaming, while he handles the situation...but...he's in friggin...LOU-EEZ-I-ANA!!! Anger...So I dont know what to do....I dont want any of MY SHOES touching this thing. I'm scared to spray Tilex on it (which was my first thought) What if it can fly? I am going to freak out. Then I hear my son...and out of nowhere...I get courage to KILL, KILL, KILL! I smushed the shit out of it while screaming obscenities at it! Talking about hard to kill. I was so proud of myself...but now I'm wondering how the hell something that big just happened up in my house! Now I'm worried. I wrap the bug in some old stretch pants and throw them away...I secretly call myself the Terminator! I look at Jeremiah, like "Mommy just saved you...and you dont even know it...but you're welcome!" Yeah...I'm the ish!

fast forward 30 minutes...I am going in the kitchen to make My-Mi some milk milk, and mama some Kool-aid! (and yes I know kool aid is garbage) and I hear a chirp. Now its late and I do have the window cracked...but that ish sounded too close. I look in the trash...and who is there..but a-NOTHER damn cricket thing! Its just chillin...lookin at me..like you thought you did something huh? I'm terrified. Dont know if its the same one...or a NEW one. Dont have time to figure it out. I try and smash it with a pizza box. No dice! So after a few minutes of sheer panic, I pour some bleach on it...and then stab it with the broom--REPEATEDLY. I closed the bag and took it out immediately. Praying that it woudl not crawl out of the hole onto my hand...or that it wasnt sending out warning signals in bug...and I would be ambushed by a whole lot of them.

As soon as I got back in the house...I check all the screens with the open windows...no holes. So how did they get in. I am very paranoid now. I HATE BUGS. And I have no idea how they got in!!!

Dear God...what on Your green earth is going on???? If the lesson is to learn courage....then hopefully I passed this test. I would hate to have to move. But I cant deal with this. You KNOW me, better than anyone else. Me no do bugs...so either please keep them out...or make a way for me to move. Thank you. Love.

Keelah

....I wanna be saved!

Before any religious heads come thinking this is going to be a tear jerking post...I meant saved...like Captain Save-a-hoe....(only I'm not a hoe!) Anyway...lately I have been experiencing this feeling that I can only call...unrest. I am far from where I've come...which looking back...wasnt THAT bad a place...but so damn far from where I feel like I SHOULD be.

On my way to work this morning...I was thinking..."Its time for me to make shit happen!" And the thought came out of nowhere...it wasn't urgent, or demanding...it was just a very solid thought floating across my clear mind. And I asked myself..."How you gone do that?" Very logical question from a very logical mind...only thing is...MY MIND...is NOT logical at all! Never has been I have always been able to pull shit out the air, that to most "logical" thinkers didnt make sense...but it ALWAYS worked for me. I can literally 'make' shit happen. I have an ability to put myself in the right place at the right time for a miracle to happen. Some people think I lived in la-la land because I predicted that my life would be a mystical one...and with time and age...I have allowed that part of me to defer to my adult logical mind. Hmmmm? Curious. I NEVER would have expected that. Anyway...once I realized that I had questioned myself...from a very different perspective than I was used to...I asked myself what I was watiing for? And then I started to sing..."A-is-I a-is I should I save her? I wanna be saaaved!" And that is SO TRUE! I am waiting for my mans job to save me...or the lottery...or some other genie type thing that will grant me my every wish...This is NOT who I am. I dont wait on shit to happen...I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN!

This little reminder...was RIGHT ON TIME! I am so thankful for quiet drives to work. In my older years...(if you can consider 27 older)...I have found a way to relinquish myself to such an extent that I dont even recognize the processes that are going on inside my OWN mind! I am not where I want to be...cuz I am not MYSELF. I am living this life of this person...who needs proof and order and guidelines...Up until recently...that was not the case. I believed LIFE. And life proved to me that first comes demand and quickly to follow would be supply. I felt loved and supported. Unconditionally. There was no prerequisite to having my dreams fulfilled...it just happened. Because I WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVED that the world worked that way! My faith was unshakable! It appears to be rickety at best now...but now that I can identify the decline of my magic with my faltering of faith...NOW I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! Isnt that AWESOME I am so excited...cuz I have been terrorized by this fear of opening myself up to my SELF. Afraid that I need the world to corraborate my story...but I so dont! I miss myself. I miss BEING ME! Sometimes so bad...I want to cry. I miss my knack to find that silver lining no matter how elusive. I miss my JOY! I miss my honesty. And by honesty I dont mean as in opposite of lies...I mean my souls integrity. Living from my TRUTH. Living from the center of my chest, W-I-D-E open! Freely. Unashamedly. COMPLETELY! FUCK THE WORLD...AND WHAT YOU SAY! I miss my soul, man. I miss it...SOOO much! Damn I want a piece of chocolate cake!

The Case of the Missing Underwear

Okay...so this is CRAZY! I have heard of losing socks in the laundry...but I lost a whole damn load of draws. And they are nowhere to be found. My place is not that big...and picked up for the most part. Yet...when I woke up this morning I had NO DRAWS!! I had my honey check in the dryer...where they SHOULD have been (nope havent learned my late night washing lesson) and he brings up a load of colorful clothing...where my underwear SHOULD have been...but NO UNDERWEAR were in there!!!! How does that happen? So the goose chase begins...I think that maybe I just "thought" they were supposed to be there and they were awaiting a wash...however the only things left unwashed are my comforters. They are not in the drawer...nor in the closet...nor in a pile. Now they could be in the trash...but that is highly unlikely...besides...I'm not going to check. Gargage is thrown out for a reason...if they are in there...they would stay anyway...so to make a long story short...i had to wear a pair of his boxers. I had to cut the thighs...cuz mine are WAAAY bigger than his. They are so uncomfortable. Its official. If I were a dude...I would wear panties. Not briefs...but panties!!! I really appreciate them so much. Their comfort...the way they contour to my body...And since my undies were missing...so was my favorite (read: only) bra. I have more....but they dont fit right. My girls are growing and I have two that fit really well...the rest are NOT OKAY. One would think that I would have bought more...but I didnt think I needed to right now. Once again...joke on me. So in addition to wearing tight azz boxers...I put on a bra that is eons too small...needless to say that it is in the car...good thing I wore a jacket today...which may or may not be concealing the mayhem. sigh...and I dont feel well. I want to go home! And crawl back into bed with my sweetie...who came back on Saturday afternoon. So...I'm hoping that this turkey sandwich will help me feel better...sigh!

Plain Jane

I am a plain girl. I am extraordinary on the inside! I have a lot of passion (somewhere) and a lot of potential for GREATNESS! I have a broad range of interests (most of which I dont even touch on here) but I feel so...well rounded. But what has always and seems to continue to be a weakness for me is physical presentation. I have never mastered capitalizing on my personal brand of reperesentation. And the longer I live...the more I am realizing how important this is and how many areas of my life this crosses over. I am cute. Not cute like I have told myself enough times to believe it (tho I have-cuz I cant help it..) But I am really an attractive woman, yet I dont use half of what I'm working with in a useful way. It is in my nature to decorate plain things and make them sparkle. It is one of my many talents in life. I try to bring out the best in people, situations, and life. I am told I am even doing that when I feel shitty and like I have nothing to give. Which yes...has been a lot lately...but I remember one day we were given paper bags and we were told to put a number on it...for some game (memory lapse) but I remember thinking...MY bag was going to be the SWEETEST bag around! It was fly...a lot of people wondered why I did so much more extra...and I never had an answer...it was just as I am designed to be. As a child I NEVER second doubted my instincts to elaborate on things...however my appearance is just as plain as a new brown paper bag. No marker, no glitter, not even a damn number of distinction. I dont understand how to get out of this...rut. For the past few years, I have tried to get 'used to' and even boastfully accept being plain, bragging that I'm low maintenance, scoffing at women who actually had themselves together...but the truth is...I'm not low maintenance...Im boring and plain and it does NOT in any way shape or form reflect the REAL ME! But how do I go back after all these years of showing up the same way? How do I break away from the familiarity of this cloak of khaki I have all around me? How do I begin to celebrate myself when its obvious that I gives not a DAMN now? I dont know how to change...even if that change is transforming into who I am SUPPOSED to be.

I look around at my home, my car, my wardrobe, my desk, my eyebrows, my life...and it DOES not speak anything about WHO I AM. I mean technically it does...but the person who it reflects...is not who I AM. She is some weird android imposter, who I let run my life for a while. And look at what she's done to it...made it gray and boring. Sigh...just venting...i doubt that anyone can really help me...but me.

I think i'm depressed again

I am mad all the time when I have to face my life. I dont want to be alone yet I dont want people near me either. I am seriously contemplating taking some medications, just to see if there really is a difference between the way I am accustomed to being...and "normal". I mean...dont get me wrong, this is normal for me...but lately I have been wondering if it could be better. i know that there is no magic pill...and if it does work, I should only use it to help me know what I could feel like...but I am tired of this. I'm not overwhelmed, which should be some sort of red flag, because I dont feel well...AT ALL! Now mind you...this feeling that I speak of right now is constant. Even when I am elated...and feeling strong and optimistic it is always there...just NOW! In this moment...I realized that it probably shouldnt be. And that maybe all my relevations and learnings would be much more impactful if I didnt have this dark azz cloud always around. Its strange to talk about it...cuz I feel like I have long ago accepted this darkness as a part of who I am...but maybe thats the problem...its not and I'm just carrying it around as if its me, draining myself even further. I dont know what to do really. I have written on peoples blog saying...I understand when they speak of depression, cuz I do! I know depression quite well. I actually boast sometimes saying that I have found a way to co-exist with it. But...what the fuck??? I dont want to co-exist with something that drains my every hope at happiness. If I have to share my life with anyone or anything...it should promote joy and peace and harmony in my life....not fear and exhaustion and just ...THIS! So...I guess this time had to come...I am going to actively seek to eradicate this from my life. While it gives me a thread of commonality in this world, and gives me justifications for not being MY BEST! It also robs me of my potential, and keeps me and all things that I love...arms length away...and quite honestly, that is just not gonna work for ya girl anymore! I have a son, who I love with all that I am...but if I dont beat this beast now...he will be raised by a mother who lives in denial. And its much better to be fucked up and real, than pretend that its gravy when its really shit! hmmm...I dont want to post this cuz I feel like Im kinda crazy going from one extrmee to the other. But it only seems that way if you dont understand how one can LIVE depressed. I can appreciate my many blessings...and still be depressed. I can have good fortune, miracles of all kinds, confirmations of my faith...and still be depressed. I dont understand it either...but I know...that Im tired. I want this to be a done deal! So...here I go...AGAIN! And hopefully for the last damn time!

What is wrong with me?

Why at the suggestion that I have flaw...do I go into a total tailspin thinking thoughts that I am somehow completely defective? Yesterday it was the thing with my friend...that had me pondering all evening and just now...a coworker just blurted out while we made small office chit chat..."Are you alright?". She said it like she had to muster up courage to ask me...I responded with a "im fine" and when she looked like she didnt believe me...I felt compelled to add, "I'm a little tired...but I'm good". Totally unnecesary but she really threw me off. I dont feel bad or off at all. Actually with the morning sickness and mood swings...today is a GOOD day. And I could have just dismissed it, as is probably appropriate...but instead I am thinking...what is it about me that has her wondering am i alright? She said I didnt seem like myself...(does she even know me tho? Hell naw) But anyway...I am seriously feeling myself getting anxious and my mind is thinking too many things too fast...WHY did she feel compelled to ask me that? Am I alright? I am over here asking my SELF if I'm alright? As if I wouldnt be the first to know if I wasnt...SIGH! What is going on? Why am I letting 'things' that other people say...make me doubt and question myself? And why am I wasting my precious time and energy worrying about it? I guess I am feeling a bit insecure lately...I have to do something about this...cuz I cant go thru this every time someone decides to let me know what they "think" to be true about me. I just cant!

Mommy part Deaux

That chick is dying. That chick I wanted to be for so long. That chick that was Fly beyond belief and just doin her damn thing. She is dying in favor of another chick...who I am terrified of. The mother of two. Help me mothers cuz I have so many demons regarding this.

I dont want to belive that children kill your dreams or defer them so far that YOU find it hard to recognize them...but deep down in the silence, I do.
I dont want to feel that any chance of fabulousity or real personal growth is gone...but deep down in the silence I do.
I dont want to think that I have to trade my self for the shoes of being a "mother"read: martyr...but I do...(yeah I got issues with that too)

See here's a little background...My mom said things all the time to the effect of..."I wanted to but I had yall to think about..." or she would say..."that would have been nice, but I have kids..." And at the time I would think...HA HA! (SIMPSONS) But now...these things are resurfacing...Is it possible to still be who I am and be a mother. To continue to grow and not fuck up their life, as I am still learning? Can I be the woman of my dreams and still have a family with familial obligations? I feel like my world, though enriched in many ways is closing in around me. I feel like I need to make some serious DECISIONS...major commitments! I dont feel it with urgency, but I do feel it with certainty. The intensity is unmistakable. I am about to be two little humans mother. Am I even big enough for this job? I try to say, God knows what He's doing..but then I remind myself it was not God who got me pregnant. Well I guess that depends on what you believe, but neither here nor there. I am AFRAID. Moreso than ever before. Who am I going to be? I am so afraid of losing myself in this process...I feel the remnants of my former self slipping into oblivion more and more each day. When I cant wait to get to my son...and his awesome smile. I think that is so awesome to love him so much...then panic takes over and wonders what happened to the girl who wanted such and such. She is not really here anymore. This is such a curious notion to me...I am changing. And I am aware of it AS it is happening. Im sure this is all normal. Priorities change, desires change, LIFE changes...But I never noticed before I guess. Now its hard not to notice. I am not in Kansas anymore...and Kansas wasnt the spot to be...but I shole do miss it! Sigh...

Mama why?

My mother is trying so hard to be a part of my sons life. I want to let her...and I do, but in my heart I have some serious reservations about it. I dont want to, but the reality is that I do. My mother has hurt me so much in my life. She has told my secrets, stifled my creativity, stomped on my dreams, disrespected my experience, and then left me out to dry when I seemed to be drowning in a life that I was not prepared for. Now mind you, when I need money or anything like that she will help me out if she can...but what I need most and have always needed from her has been that WOMAN to show me what womanhood is all about. Someone to say they understand while holding me close. A place where I could cry if I needed to , where I could go and release whatever burden I was carrying. But I have never had that place in her...maybe it was too much to ask...but I dont think it should have been. I feel like that is the preistly role of mother to child. Am I wrong? Am I delusional to crave that type of thing from a human mother? I dont know. I dont want to be one of those women who blames mommy (or daddy for that matter) for everything. As I am well aware that I am a grown ass woman now with my own life and my own child...and I just HAVE to accept responsiblity for my experience, but it still hurts. It still hurts after all these years, that she always thought I had ulterior motives to wanting to hang out with friends, in HIGH SCHOOL. That she would get angry that I would rather do extracurricular activities than babysit my sister like I have been since I was 6 years old! That she accused me of sleeping with everything with a dick...waaay before I even knew what sex was. That she always rode my ass--to excel just so she could brag to my family about my 'good grades' or 'honors awards'. Like my mind, heart, and love was nothing to be happy about. She put emphasis on the wrong things...and because of this...I hurt. And our relationship is painful to me. She doesnt understand why we are torn. She doesnt GET IT! I can tell by the way she responds to me sometimes, that she has not a clue...even though I have tried many ways to express that...its like she literally CANNOT SEE! I love my mother with all that I am...which says a lot for the bond of mother and child...but I dont trust her. I dont trust that she really wants whats best for me. And I dont fully trust that the affection she shows toward my son is real. I dotn want to be this way...but I am. And it is deep. I am aware that I need forgiveness...but I cant. I tried last night...and the resistance I encountered was overwhelming. I feel like a large piece of my soul is wrapped up in this anger/resentment/distrust of my mother and I suspect that that may be infiltrating other areas of my life. I am tired. I want to just 'get over' my life story...but I am not sure I know how. I mean...this is MY LIFE. This is what has shaped who I am today...no matter how much progress I 'seem' to make...this hurt accompanies every breath that I take and threatens my peace in every moment. After all...how can I love as a mother, when I dont know what that love feels like? How can I expect to be loved fullyl, when that was not my reality? I blame my mother for my lack of success, my lack of self confidence, low self esteem, for my busted dreams, for my lowered expectations, for my confusion, for my closed heart, lack of emotinal development, for my guilt over enjoying life and my insane aversion to pleasure. All of the things in my life that i swore I would never do...I am becoming. I am becoming her as a way of dealing with her. I hurt yall. I want this pain to be over. Like yesterday!

Swinging

I am so tired of swinging up and down. One day I understand this whole thing and the next day my mood is just sour. I am empowered one day...and totally deflated the next. Sigh. I know that this is a part of the process, but I sure am tired of swinging back and forth. Last night...I SAW myself making a mountain out of a molehill. I felt myself having personal issues, but instead of praaying about it...I started an arguement. And then I heard myself say, "I dont want to argue...I just need to understand your thought process when making this decision". The truth was...I didnt need to know...I already knew, I just wanted to hear it verbalized so that I could justify the 'tude that I already had brewing beneath the surface. All of this I was a witness to...but I felt powerless to choose differently. What is happening? When will these mood swings balance out? It is exhausting...to be on top of the world...and then fall right back "in" it. I want to scream!!! Hmmm Maybe now would be a good time to pray...but I am too tired for that too. Sigh..
Jesus...help me.