I hurt...

I hurt so bad. The more that time goes on...the more I hurt. Its not like normal, when you break up and then take time to grieve. Each time I look at my childrens' face, I see him and I see our failure. I see the moments in the past, where we should have let it go...or actually made a change...but instead, we continued on as if somehow time would improve us. I really thought we were going through a 'bad patch'. We are not. It is over. For EVER.Sigh.

I listen to him. He has valid issues. I dropped the ball in a lot of ways. I hurt him too! Its not all about me. He feels that he played himself...He feels that we should have been over. The last attempt at 'us' was because of our children.

"I love you, he says, but when you gave up on you...it turned me off. You no longer cared about yourself, or me, or US. You always give up. You left me years ago..."



You know what? he may be right. If I look deeply enough, I will see that my actions state EXACTLY that, but my heart says something completely different. I simply withdrew because I know I had ish to handle within myself. But there is no way to go back in time and right the wrongs that happened.

Guess from here I learn and live. And move on.

God that hurts. The touching of my soul. The revelations. The truth. It makes me hold my breath to stop the pain. It makes me cry until I cant anymore. Every night. It makes me doubt my worth. It makes me feel so abandoned and unlovable. It makes me think its all my fault. It makes me worry that I will never find anyone who 'gets' me. It makes me think that I am going to be my mother.

I am in fact repeating the past. I am a single mom of two kids, just like she was (at least she was married to my dad, though) I too am closing my already hardened heart even more, to try and deflect some of the intensity of the pain I feel. I dont want to hurt forever. I want to let it go...but.I.cant!!! I try and get him to say hurtful things, so that I can hate him and use that hate to facilitate healing...but it is only hurting more. Help.

Questions on my mind...What does she do, that I couldnt? (pointless question that simply makes me feel worse)

Why couldnt we both just 'work it out'?

Why does this seem to be affecting me WAAAY worse than it is him?

How can he just try and fill my spot so quickly?

I hate him. I really dont...I love him. And I admire him. And I have to release him. He is not mine.

Please God, ignore my cries for reconciliation. I still believe in this process. Even when I feel like my heart can take no more, and my mind is filled with tormenting thoughts and images, I believe that this is right. I believe that I can and will love again, once I heal. I believe that I am in the fire of healing right now. I believe that one day, we will have the best relationship ever! We will do so for our children. We will share a genuine love, (albeit not romantic) and still exhibit respect for each other. My children are loved by us both and that will never stop. Please God, help me and help him if he feels any pain from this seperation as well. May you heal both our hearts, so that we can once again find your love within them. Amen