Faith feels good...

So I will continue to be faithful. New house, new car, new streams of income, new levels of accuracy in living. On the mark! No sin....BULLSEYE!!!

Yeah...I love the precision of living truthfully from my heart. I love the feeling of being calm and effective in the world.

I love hearing my mind trying to figure out how a and b are going to happen. I love seeing them happen... despite the questions.

I love knowing that you were sent here for a short but nice season. :) Thank you for everything!

I love knowing that when you tell me I cant, that means that YOU cant. I, my dear, MOST DEFINATELY WILL! Just watch. Not proving anything to you. Just letting myself spread out a bit. Own this space that I'm in. Reaching for the proverbial stars and finding myself on the outer edges of this universe. Cuz honestly...I'm much too much to be contained...by your words, assumptions and perceptions of me. I am like my father. I am that I am too! And you are the same! Lets own it together. Lets not fight about it anymore, K?

I love knowing that the picture in my mind, is being created RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!! I can SEE and FEEL it coming into my existence. I see and feel it!!! Amen! Coming back to live feels so good. {Damn! How long was I out? }

The dead pieces are falling away. Being healed by His radiant light. I feel worthy of the blessing. I asked for it. I called it forth...and now...I ACCEPT!

Be thankful for this moment, for this moment is your life! I love that! Yes!

Ode to my FAVORITE!

I see a vision of the life that I have secretly dreamed of. I say secretly, because I have long since abandoned the belief that I could have what I wanted. So often in life, I was told that I couldn't have what I wanted. I was either offered a consolation, which in my eyes never matched up to what I truly desired. Or I was told, "too bad, sad!....in life you dont always get what you want." which, I guess is a true lesson. However, I am observing in my life how that has translated:



I no longer acknowledge my desires anymore...



This has served several purposes. It has kept me from being hurt and disappointed from life. If I never acknowledge that I want something, then I dont try to have it. And If i never 'try' to get it...then when I dont... I cant be mad right?





WRONG!!



I have found myself in a curious situation lately, and I feel ill prepared on how to respond to it.

I have found the love of my life. A wonderful man who is EVERYTHING I could possibly think I want and MORE! His soul FITS in mine. Comfortably and perfectly. He is sincere, honest, loving, industrious, a great father, and understanding, strong, generous, open minded, our personalities EFFORTLESSLY mesh, we want the SAME THINGS out of life, and both agree that it would be lovely to pursue that together.

I have no doubts about his feelings and intentions for me. I always have doubts...but his presence, dispells them.

I trust him. I respect his decisions, his mind, his ambition...and he loves me enough to encourage me to strive for my best! And does what he can to assist me. Which is a whole helluva lot. I can DEPEND on him. And he wants me too! He wants to provide...and dammit, I want to be provided for!

I UNDERSTAND him and he, I. Our communication is SUPERB! And its just and 'easy' way of being!


He holds a very high image of me, and I feel that affecting my spirit in such a positive way. I can relax when I'm with him...and finally, I am starting to believe that my unworthy feelings are wrong... And that LOVE IS REAL!!!! Its not just other people who get to live and love, and just experience happiness. It can be me too!

For the last few months, I have been healing and purging. Cleansing and learning...and now I understand why...

He has come... And we have a job to do.

He is my friend, my partner, my love, my inspiration, my 'conscience', lol. He is so wonderful, and I am very thankful for him. I feel very gay saying this... I feel weak. I feel fear, and I feel like opening up to love may hurt me in the end.... but I feel LOVE and SUPPORT more than all those things.

No longer am I waiting to exhale...

I am breathing! ALIVE! And settling quite comfortably into the notion of being with him.

Is it too soon to hear the march, and see the dress? Hmmm....maybe. But its not too soon to know that I want to laugh with him, and talk to him, and just BE with him...forever. Its not too soon to know that we have that 'special' substance about us that makes life better. We bring out the best and help to heal the worst in each other.
And we do that without trying... it just IS.

I love... again. And its wonderful! :D

May we all have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY EVER!!!!!

Keelah

Whats real?

Life has slapped the shit out of me. THANK GOD its gone! I am currently facing many criseees at all once...but ya know what? I asked God to reveal Himself... and I guess at a time where you have two small children in the dead of winter, probable eviction, car died, job an hour away... 3 busses, -30 degrees.... and you simply wake up early and do whatcha gotta do. No stuttering or stalling. THATS WHATS REAL! I keep getting all these inspirational thoughts and wishes from people who are AMAZED that I catch the bus to work!! Keep my head up, they say. Uh....yeah! Where else am I gonna keep it? Keelah is a bit heavy on the drama sometimes....and thats just cuz I'm passionate about shit and drama being a part of life is no different... Sometimes it gets the best of my mind...but never me. I KNOW! I know that when times seem the toughtest, its not a time to fall (all the way) apart. (carefully ignoring my last post) Its time to get quiet...cuz BELIEVE there is a helluva lesson involved. Sometimes, I need to sit back and accept kind words, and thoughts from loved ones. sometimes I need to understand that I am not in this alone. Sometimes I need to learn that if it is to be...then its up to me. Depending on the situation...I adjust and act accordingly. I love connection, because I can 'feel' which way to lean...and let it do what it do. I am thankful that somehow arrangements are being met to keep our place. My car will be fixed soon, but for the time being, I get to meet some very nice and interesting people on the bus. God has sent me quite a few lovely souls to accompany me on my journies. I get to save money on gas, and just get in a few more steps to my day!! I get help from my family in keeping my kids and they get to spend quality time with grandma, who despite my feelings...is a great disciplinarian and teacher. My son actually respects time outs now. Whooda thunk it? Time out? WTH? I get to feel that accomplishment of doing what I need to BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY! I need that sometimes. And in this process, I relearned that productivity can be as good a feeling as relaxation. Still trying to integrate that one into practical living! My mind resists that notion something fierce! But the fact that I KNOW...THATS REAL!

And in the spirit of changes and changing... CONGRATS TO AMERICA! Happy Innauguration day, ALL! Its a great day to be free!

Random Thankfullness

I used to doubt that God really REALLY heard me. Because I expected that things would work out the way I saw fit. Well... lately, that has not been the case, but now that I am awake, I can see the perfection! I am in awe...again!

Due to economic times, and the recent dissolvement of my relastionship and just... life, I have been a bit less fortunate. I have fallen behind on bills, cried myself to sleep countless nights, wondering how the hell did Wakeelah end up in this predicament? As you can see, sometimes I really do think highly of myself. I'm much too smart to end up like this right? Well...whatever...here I am. And in this place, I learn what it means and feels like to have faith, to know that in the midst of the perfect storm, I can and will come out unharmed, unscathed and actually stronger than I was before. I learned the true meaning of humility, and how to appreciate the growing pangs that come with leaving your comfort zone and exploring a different 'style' of living. I am learning how to truly find myself, amidst all of the things that I thought was me...I am understanding responsibility, surrender, and compromise on a whole different level. I am learning that life may not look how we think it should, but by paying attention, the lesson will be CRYSTAL! The experience is always PERFECT for developing or revealing that elusive quality that we all strive for. I am living with an increased amount of peace and its wonderful! I am thankful...and the fruits of my acceptance:

A friend of mine gave me a beautiful Christmas Tree so that my children and I can actually have one this year!!! It even has decorations and lights and everythign to put on it!

I received countless gift cards to places from grocery stores, to dept. stores, to home stores so that I can improve, decorate and revamp my environments, myself and my family. I can even use them to buy a few gifts for people who I would otherwise have not been able to shop for.

I have a strong plan in place to pull us out of this financial situation...and my business plan is almost complete...and its looking REALLY OPTIMISTIC!! I even have my first client already!

My relationship with my kids dad is much better, now that we are 'friends'. Still feels strange, but I cant deny the amount of respect, laughter and lightness that accompanies our interactions nowadays...as opposed to constant complaints and 'sighs'!

My children are absolutely PERFECT in every way. They are well behaved, smart as ever, and they are genuinely GOOD PEOPLE! Yes...we made them!

My backbone is becoming more and more apparent and I love the way that I am forcing certain people in my life to adjust to 'how it is!"... I'm gonna smile, cuz I deserve to!

God is LOUD!!!! Not just a whisper or an afterthought...I am fully aware of our connection most of the time now!

I have friends!!! I am not sure how to trust them, or confide in them, or even how to utilize their presence in my life...but dammit!!! Ive got people in my life who REALLY REALLY care for me--as I am. I wonder would they still care if they knew.... SHUT UP VOICE! THEY DO!

I feel bummy on the outside, but absoluelty beautiful on the inside...because I really am blessed!

Sadness is as it is....

Today it is nonexistent, cuz I know who I am...and from whom my sustenance comes. Thank you!

Love Always and First!!

Keelah

Happy FIRST Birthday Xavien!!!!!

You are the bestest little boy in the world!! Mama loves you very much! Cant belive its been a WHOLE YEAR!!!

Few other Pics of the Birthday Boy and our family

Good News!!!

I have been depressed for about 22 years now. I am 28 years old. At first I just ignored it, then when the load became too heavy, I stewed in it and allowed it to take over my mind. This affected my body and continued to suffocate my spirit. Then as I learned more about life, I began to try and understand it. Trying to understnad dysfuntion just fills your mind with more dysfunction. Finally I accepted it. I have a depressive personality, is what I chose to believe. I believed that for MOST of my life!!!

Then I realized that what lots of people said was true, I really do have a CHOICE in how I am in life! I started reading things that were along the lines of what I wanted to believe. I started to monitor myself, which has proven to make the BIGGEST impact in my life! I regularly checked in with my feelings, my thoughts, my intentions and tried my best not to judge myself too harshly for the things that I didnt like about myself. I journaled. I practice conscious eating. I try to refrain from complaining, and I am a CHRONIC complimenter. I seek beauty everywhere, and when I cant find it, I look up at the sky. That is one thing that is ALWAYS beautiful and AWE INSPIRING!!! I meditate daily, share my journey with a friend who is traveling the same path as I. I have distanced myself from the WOE IS ME' folk. And the results are AMAZING!!! (Unbeleivable, had I not known the darkness of depression first hand.)

Without much effort on the weightloss area of my life I have lost 17 lbs since May 1st. My relationship with my man is DRAMATICALLY IMPROVED, my self esteem is at the very least normal, but dare I say...soaring!!! I have more energy, less stress, more patience, less worry. My mood swings still happen, but the difference is, I'm not at their mercy. The moment I catch myself, I can CHOOSE differently!!! I can!!!

There is a crack in the foundation of whatever had me tied to my depression. I KNOW it is there. There is an opening of light, where there was one only cloudy darkeness. There is lightness where there was once heaviness. There is appreciation where there was once only negativity. There is hope where there was once only despair. I dont want to go on and on, but to live life from this perspective is so encouraging!!! I KNOW that one day soon, I will be completely free of this stuff, and all the stuff that it attracted as a result. I am MORE THAN WILLING TO LET THAT GARBAGE GO!! And the proof is evident in my life! There is something else along the ride of my life with me. And in that space, life is GOOD!

I didnt even notice the depression lifting until I blogged answers to questions and my answers were completely contrary to any belief I had before. I am comfortable with my 206 lb frame. I used to be in despair at 175. Haha youth! I am fine with myself, just the way I am. I'm really okay.

Thank you God. I have been faithful, and you have answered as you said you would. I promise to ALWAYS know you and never be brand new again. I promise to be all that I can at any given day, because you are. I will not go back to livng life as a leaf in the wind. I promise to be rooted in you. Your are my substance and my nourishment. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you. And thanks to you, I LOVE LOVE LOVE me too! okay. I'm so grateful! Amen!

Good Deeds fills Gods needs

Now mind you, I dont believe that God has a need for anything, but I'm sure he has preferences. If God gets to choose, I believe He would choose happiness for us over suffering. Thankfullness over unappreciation. Beauty over ugliness. Love over stress.
Lately, my honey and I have been REALLY counting our blessings. We have been praying together, communicating more honestly than ever before, and just being better people. We are gently helping each other stay on the paths we claim we want and life is better. Over the past several days we have had several miracles, and I'm very thankfull. We have been getting free gas money all over the place as thank yous for random things that we never considered reward worthy. Our neighbor got us a $50.00 gift card so that we may have a date night, as a thanks!!! My uncle gave us some free bass to eat! We need food. My sister volunteers her babysitting services two days a week and mom does the other days, until we can find an appropriate daycare. And this is just what I'm thinking about right now, I'm sure there's so much more. And I honestly believe its been because we are giving instead of thinking about how little we have to give. When someone is hungry, even though we dont have much, we offer to feed them. When someone needs to go somewhere, we offer to take them. If someone needs a place to come and collect themselves, we offer our home. Not because we want blessings, but simply because we both NEED to feel helpful somehow. Sharing what little we think we have fills that need for us. I never thought that what we did was all that important, but it means so much to the people we help. And their kindness means so much to us in returen!! It just a big ole ball of love!!! God, I know how I can get sometimes (as the hole in my door confirms) but I dont want you to think that I am sleeping on your love! We appreciate EVERYTHING that you put in our hearts and and our lives. Thank you. From the deepest part of me.

Please continue to bless our home and family and lives. We are TOTALLY willing to do YOUR will. And if you find us being resistant, please continue to keep our awareness high enough, and our intentions clear enough, so that we rebound quickly. Thank you. We love you. Amen.

Give

I was sitting at a red light with my man and children. We were having a very laid back trip to grandma's. There was such a serene calm in the air. The air was hot and humid, the sun melting into orange and purple skies. And we hear a saxophone. So we look to the right, and there is a guy standing next to the pick up window at the Taco Bell playing the saxophone. I automatically looked for his cup (conditioned negativity). There wasn't one. He was sincerely playing to share his gift with the world. I mouthed the words THAT IS AWESOME! Nard and I couldnt stop staring at this man, hypnotized by the meaning behind this moment that we got to share. Then the man pointed his sax at us and said, "This is for yall too! I see the love in that car!" We pulled of...and all that was said was a common, "Wow". I wanted to talk about it. Find out what he was thinking...I felt like I needed to know if it affected him the same way it did me. Me and my busy mind. Instead I just relaxed and enjoyed that moment. God sent us another angel to remind us what we are here for. Simply to share what we have to share.

Too often I ponder what I can do to unleash myself unto this world, and I always dream up these big elaborate dreams that I often honestly believe are too big for me. But it never really takes that much. Give what you can. And somewhere, somehow it will be appreciated. He was so courageous, so honest, so love filled! I am in awe of that man. In the 60 seconds that we waited at that light, I was hopeful for humanity. A stranger showed me the way. Thank you, God. We appreciate your presence in our lives. Love, ALWAYS Keelah

Day 2

So far, so good. I didnt get hungry at all yesterday. I did have a headache for a little while, but discomfort is to be expected when your body begins to move all the 'gunk' out. Last night before bed, my face began to break out a bit, but was all gone when I woke up. My skin is smoother and my eyes are a bit brighter. My energy levels are up and rising. Today is a good day! I dont want to be obsessed with the scale since I am not doing this fast for weight loss, but I would be fake to ignore the tiny joy I found when I stepped on the scale and was 4 lbs. lighter!


My emotions, which were explosive yesterday are starting to mellow out a bit. I got stranded on the freeway after work yesterday, miles from an exit, no cell phone. Instead of panicking, I moved away from the smoking car and just leaned on the road and prayed. Within two minutes my angel appeared, and she sat with me. Offered me love and encouragement and called AAA and got my car towed to my dads house. My dad brought me to work today. My car should be up and running by the weekend. So I am super excited about that! Things are coming together...very nicely. Not in the way I would have guessed, but pretty good nonetheless. Have a great day!

One less thing!

I had visions of having a new kitchen, so I thought that I was maybe previewing my dream kitchen...well my landlord came by this morning and told me he is about to gut and rebuild my old kitchen. New cabinets, shelves, a whole NEW layout!!! AWESOME! One less thing.

I wanted to get my carpet cleaned, before my son starts crawling,...that comes with my lease renewal!!! One less thing.

My man is studying for his builders liscense. He is about to start a Home Improvment Company here in Detroit. But...saving for all of the tools he would need, was going to take a while...His uncle, who used to do Construction before his accident, offered to GIVE him all of his tools. And these are not cheap tools. Unc only bought quality things! One Less thing to worry about.

My car has been violently shaking, and I kept putting it off until I had a nice chunk of change to invest in the fix-up. Part of me knew that I was playing with fire, driving it that way, but I just dont have a lot of 'extra' cash right now...Took it to a shop (best shop in the world), found that it is not as bad as I thought. Got the most important thing fixed this morning, and the VERY AFFORDABLE remainder will be done next week. Then my car will be like new! One less thing.

And on top of that...I lost another 2 lbs, without effort. My goals and my actions are finally in alignment! And yes...it IS GOOD!

My son used the potty for his first number 2 today!!! So excited. Hate that I missed it, I came into work instead of sitting around the house for the remainder of the afternoon. Gotta save my vacation days for a real vacation! Which I am seeing in the horizon. Now I dont know how its going to happen, but I'm sure there is a way! So...I'll keep ya posted!


I want to SCREAM!!!!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But that will have to work!

I cried and cried some mo yesterday...

And it felt so good. So much has been going on...so intense to me that I chose not even to blog about it. I just didnt feel like actually complaining and then complaining some more. Complaining is so draining...and I already am spread thin. To summarize...my man doesnt understand that I NEED him to come back. He thinks we should move along with the original plan. That hurt. My mother decided that she doesnt want to watch my son anymore, cuz he cried too much...That HURT. (She even tried to play the victim-to a TEN month old!) I am probably going to return to work after my baby is born...Sadness...but when I cried yesterday...I felt myself trying not to let it out...or to cry all cute and shit! But then I just let them flow. I let the hurt consume me...beyond the point of overwhelment. I let it take over my whole body...And then I prayed. And to my surprise...instead of praying for the pain to be taken away...my prayer was simply, "I thank you God, for my tears mean I am alive. I feel hurt...but I grateful for my life." Mid-cry...I wondered...where that came from?? Cuz I swear I was thinking...I dont want to feel this...but I guess for a moment...I was able to just be okay with how things were. My feelings were hurt...I felt victimized, confused, offended...and downright angry. And instead of pretending like I had it all together...I just sat with the fact that I dont...and since I knew nothing better to do...I just wept. Shit...wasnt nothing else to do. My life is not changed...but things are not as bleak as they once seemed. My friends husband has volunteered to watch my son, while I'm at work. And this is a new friend. Thank God for them. They are AWESOME yall! I am not satizfied...but not as uncomfortable as I once was. I am not where I want to be...but THIS is where I AM....so...I can deal with that. Come to think of it...I think a few months ago...I might have prayed for this. Well not THIS! But I remember praying to be developed...and used by God..and all this other ish...that I SO thought meant something else. I guess you cant ask for your lessons to come in a specific way...cuz I WOULD NOT have asked for this. But I know I am growing...and being pushed to grow and confront about every fear that I could possibly have. So if growth doesnt come from this...let me not think like that...that is SUCH an impossiblity! Hope all is well!

Earth Child

I love the sky
I LOVE the moon
I love midnight blue skies in silence
I love bodies of water...and puddles alike
I love trees
I love wind on my face
I love the smell of fresh cut grass
I love the feeling of the sun on my skin
I love gray skies
I love thunderstorms
I love bloody skies...I just love all skies, really.
I love fire--its grace, its warmth, its power to mold, transform or to destroy
I love love LOVE this planet! Thank you for all of the beauty that you surround us with every moment of every day!

I am inspired...

I am so excited!!! I have lost motivation for a lot of things lately. Well not lately. Its been a progressive decline of caring about things that used to matter so much to me for the past few years. At first I called the bitch depression, now I relize its more accurate to say that I have been living with an opressor. Cuz the problem is never very far from me...ironically neither is the solution. I was in the car talking to myself yesterday (nope havent gotten my car speakers fixed yet...so!) And I was thinking about how often my mom complains that I let myself go...I look at myself. And I'm not SO disappointed with what I see. I mean yes, I could do my hair daily..yes I could keep my nails polished with my crystal clear coat that I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE. Yes I could keep my brows done (and not just reserved for vacations). Yes I can alwayz have me toes tight...Yes I could iron daily...these are things that used to be givens for me...but now its hard pressing to get them done. Why??...partially because of the fatigue factor of back to back pregnancies. I used to try and tell myself that was an excuse...but dude. I am straight up narcoleptic lately. My mind is going...and normally I would think thats kinda fun...but I'm grown and have RESPONSBILITIES!!! and such...anyway...I was pondering how I tried to tell myself that the things I was beating myself up about were superficial...and then my wise and loving self said...they were not superficial. They were bare minimums for my physical confidence in this physical world. I would not be able to concentrate on anything else until I satisfied those urges. They are valid...and are of EXTREME IMPORTANCE. There is a certain standard that I hold myself to...and as of late I have been finding any reason or justification to relinquish control of that satizfation ...only I didnt give it up to anyone else...I just plain dropped the ball. And so now my consciousness is OBSESSED. I am obsessed with my lack of personal care...Please dont confuse this with hygiene...I mean they go hand and hand...but I still washes me ass and brushes me teeth. but I have not strived. I stopped caring...well not really...I just stopped BEING ME. long story short...I went to a website for natural hair that reminded me what it is that I am. And how good it feels to represent that...ALL THE TIME! I'm hoping that I dont get all fired up...and then fall my ass to sleep as soon as I get home...hahahsee but at least the fire is reignited!!! Now I remember what it is that makes me feel so good everyday...it was loving myself enough to put forth the effort to make myself FEEL loved. And taken care of. And appreciated and celebrated and all that good stuff. Its the care that makes what other people give me...icing. I cant wait! I deserve this...we all do. And now I remember...Thank you so much...Prayers really do get answered...Now lets see can I close the circuit by doing my damn hair tonight!

I'll Have my Good NOW, please...

Must I suffer now...until the moment of my salvation? Or is suffering all in my mind. Can I be different, not by my life changing...but by my perspective changing? Do I have to endureth, and try not to be weary in the midst of dark storms before I can see the crack of day breaking through or is the darkness all relative? These are some questions that I am pondering lately, because in a lot of circles of people that I know who are on a spiritual path...it seems that there is this common belief that it is normal to suffer. And somehow this is all a part of Gods plan for us...and that it will somehow make us better and more humble servants. To me this just sounds like a way to justify your ignoring him telling you constantly..."there is a better way...not only YOUR way". I believe that suffering is a part of life...but I honestly do NOT believe that it is Gods intention that I grow that way...What makes me say that? Because as far as I can remember, in the midst of my suffering...He was always there TRYING to alleviate my pain. To show me where I had a wrong mindset, or what needed to be changed to get me from where I was mentally, to where I 'claimed' I wanted to be. I have always heard that small voice comforting me when I was down, countering the many attacks on my self that I dished out...offering me options other than the ones I chose to see at any given moment...but usually in the moment...its much easier and much more likely that I would allow the current of defeat, depression and guilt and "woe is me" take over. As I begin to monitor my mind more...I can see more than not...I really do have choices...and MOST of them arent always obvious...not until I shut up the constant dialogue of fear...and LISTEN. I am being led ALL THE TIME. I say I want something...and the world moves to get me in the position to have it. This is usually the time where I get scared...and start sabotaging myself...then ask God...Why hath he forsaken me? And the answer is always the same. It is not I who denies you. Once again...I am nudged to look at the real culprit. That familiar "friend" who is always in my thoughts...but not always in my best interest. I am my own worst enemy. And I suffer when I dont KNOW that. When I dont SEE that. I pray and pray sometimes for relief from things that I am not willing to let go of...then I wait patiently consoling myself with the same old thing...This is all happening for a reason...God must have a bigger plan...Yes for me to WAKE UP! To see that it is NOT written in stone that I will somehow get closer to him through suffering...tho that is paritally true....When you suffer you are being called to rely on him as never before to help you through. And if you let Him then you will KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt of his GOODNESS. But I believe that if we listen to the sublte messages moment by moment and watch as they manifest GOOD in your life, you will come to the same conclusion. And it will be all good. I dont know...its just seems that lately the God that wants me to be burdened to understand freedom, and broke to understand abundance, and afraid to understand love is not accurate. I think he loves me so that I understand love. He infuses me with hopes and dreams..so as I achieve them I will understand freedom and he blesses me CONSTANTLY so that I understand abundance. Only thing...I have a hard time understanding it...so I usually dont accept? Is that Him choosing my suffering path? Or is that me? What chall think?

Things are looking UP!

The night before last...I had a dream that I was late for work. I dreamed I got there at 8:11 (which is unacceptable). I dont want to make this longer than it has to be...On a whim I played it in the lottery...and would you believe that it came out STRAIGHT! I NEVER play the lottery. Its just not somthing I do...but I had a dollar change from a 5 and thought why not? When I told my man...he asked did I play our sons birthday...I'm like Naw! I played a number I dreamed about last night! So he was on the way to watch the playoffs...when our lottery came on...Can you imagine the feeling of the air in the room when the ball said 8...then 1...then 1! We both, in unison, were like "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Yes our baby was in the room, giggling in the excitement, but that was just too amazing! Wow! Cannot believe it! I have been doing some abundance work and synchronocity or just abundance from nowhere is signs that you are on the way...not only did I win the lottery, but my company bought us breakfast, a client brought us lunch...AND MY BOSS walked in today and shot me a 20 for a job well done yesterday! I am SPEECHLESS! I am utterly speechless. This is about so much more than the money...it is about asking God with sincerity, and receiving confirmation that not only was my little insignifcant voice heard...but was answered! That is too awesome! I had to share. I wrote a post yesterday that was so shitty too! My attitude wasnt the best yesterday...I erased it before I posted cuz that is just not who I want to be anymore. I had to pull myslef out of that slump...and looking back...yesterday was a very good day! I didnt feel too good in it...but that doesnt change the fact that IT WAS GOOD! I had to thank HIM for giving me love...even when my attitude was so shitty! Gotta love that unconditional NESS of the Lord...Its tha BOMB!

Forgive me

I learned yesterday that if someone does something wrong...they have done something wrong...If you label them as that...YOU are wrong. If I stole something...I will be dealt with. If you label me a thief...you condemn me to more of the same. Labeling things make life easier for us. It helps us to put things and people into categories that are small enough for us to chew...but labels are nothing more than acceptable limits. In my world which I desire to be limitless...labels have to go. Nothing is good or bad or better than or less than...They exist. If only in our minds. I rebuke labeling and judgements. I allow everything and everyone to be as it is. It is not the purpose of this world to satisfy me or to make me happy. It is the purpose of this world to be the backdrop to my spiritual development. To give me a living guage to let me know how I am evolving. When life is sweet...I am in alignment with my good. When life sucks...I fell off somewhere. Somewhree along the lines I have allowed that which is untrue to become true for me. I am not to suffer. I am to be joyfull in this life. I am to be honest in this life. I am to be LOVE in this life. I am to accept all and condemn none...Cuz what you do to others IS done to you. Not in the future, but in the moment. I forgot the interconnectedness of all of life. I was on a high horse where I was right...and I suffered. Because that is not true. I am not right. I am not wrong. I am...just as HE is. Judgement is suffering.

Dear God, Please help me to know that being right serves no good in my life. Please help me to know that the moment I judge another, I have also judged myself. And that judgement doesnt help to change or to heal or to grow. Judgement now matter how justified to the human mind is poison. It cuts down and decapitates. Please help me to kow that I dont have to judge something as bad or wrong in order to not accept it. I can live and let live. And remain in total peace in the midst of any perceived storm. Please help me to remember that nothing is happening to me...it is happening. And please keep in my mind and heart the truth of connectivity. So that I never again think it is alright to look down on any weaknesses, whether I see them in others or learn them about myself. I love you. And I m thankful that you love me...no matter how ignant I can be sometimes. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your understanding...and thank you for not being human. Cuz we can be so cut throat sometimes. Thank you from the deepest parts of me. LOVE. FIRST AND ONLY. keelah

...for Chuck

Dear God...
I hurt. This time I dont hurt for me and my life...I hurt for Chuck. A client of a client whose wife of 57 years passed away last week...and I spoke with him this morning. He called regarding a letter that he receied addressed to the both of them. He asked..."what does it mean?" In hindsight I can see that Marie is not gone...they are forever one. What a poetic answer...however at the time all I had to offer was my ear. I listened while he spoke. He told me that he missed her something sore...and he did not like that she was no longer here. She suffered, but her leaving only offered small comfort. Because he misses her. He told me he didnt know if he was coming or going sometimes. He told me about his doctors appointment and how everything came back wonderfully. No diabets, no high blood pressure, no disorders whatsover...in this world and for him to be in his 80's that is DAMN good! He says that his Marie is making sure that he is well. I agree. 57 years...is how long they have been together...and in my ignorance I once said that I couldnt imagine being with anyone that long...but to hear the love that fills his heart for her...forced me to be honest. His greatest pain reflects lifes greatest joy. A life of love. A life where you loved and got love in return. He asked a favor of me...could I call him from time to time...and just ask him how he was. I got so choked up...I would be honored. He kept apologizing for talking to me...I was at a loss. His pain was so raw and so real...I felt it over the phone. I still carry it in my chest right now...hoping that if I carry some that it will somehow lighten his load. He told me he was so lonely. I know the feeling. Not his circumstance...but lonely and I go WAAy BACK. I want to be there for him. It moved me how honest he is...and how he is willing to ask for what he needs from the deepest part of him. It is a quality that I have yet to master. It is very admirable. I love him. I will make it a point to connect with him every day. I thought it might be nice to visit him from time to time...even tho thats what he pays our client for. I figure that he could use someone that is willing to be there because they are compelled to be and not cuz they get paid to be . I dont get it...a few months ago...one of my biggest complaints was that I couldnt "feel" anything...now I seem to feel EVERY thing. I am thankful...I am alive. I am thankful...for the ways that I am used. God you are the greatest! Please stay close to Chuck during this time. Help him to keep the love that he has in his heart living eternal. Amen.

Elevated

Its time for me to elevate my mind. I have been hearing these lies for so long that I have accepted them as truth. What was once crazy insanity, is now a belief that I measure myself by...and I fall short. When I was younger I was SKINNEEEE! I couldnt wait to have hips and thighs...they were the mark of a woman to me. I thought it was so sexy when I saw a real life woman being all sensual and sultry...free to express her womanhood as glory. I felt so boyish, so "young". I couldnt wait til I had some meat on my bones with which to hypnotize the world. Well...technically I have that body now...only unlike my wiser and younger self...I hate her! I hate that my thighs are so meaty...they are the sexy long legs I begged for as a youth...but now I feel fat...and quite honestly I am not. Why do I feel fat? Because the standard for beauty tells me I am, with every image, every advertisement for weight loss supplements, claiming this woman went from a size 8 to a 4...I feel HUGE! I am told that beautiful hair is long and flowy and shiny (insert beautiful music and woman moaning while rubbing her long luscious locks here)--everything that is NATURALLY not my hair. My hair is curly--VERY curly. It is not shiny by nature--and tho it is about 11-13 insches long...the shrinkage has it looking like its about 4 inches long. Its beautiful and complex. It soft and fragile. It is bold and unique...but do I respect it. Not really. Actually my actions say I am ashamed. I love my hair...but only in secret. Becaue most people dont get it..so that means I cant get it either. Insanity that I have accpted as truth. My skin is mahogany brown. I prefer not to wear makeup...not becaues I dont know how to wear it...cuz thats the excuse I give, but because I LOVE the way I look and feel without it. I only "want" to wear makeup because its like a cultural thing. Everyone is doing it! haha and yes if everyone jumped off the bridge...Its like so many little things that I have adopted a long time ago...that dont make sense to me...yet my world operates by them just the same. I should be seen and not heard...that is from childhood. And my voice is stifled. Ladies dont sit with their legs open...well I always wore jeans...didnt see the point for crossing my legs. All these many messages of past and present only serve to say that what you are naturally is wrong. It is not good enough. You need to be more... But more what??? How can I be more than I am. I'm already everything. I am so much, and I limit myself by believing that somehow I must be more. I must appreciate ALL that I AM. After all ...I am a child of the MOST HIGH! How is that not enough of anything??? He thinks I am perfect. Me and my coiled hair, my soft beautiful body, my introspective mind, and my kind heart. My need for relaxation--DAILY!!! My need to speak what I feel is true, but be humble enough to be corrected if I am not. My fear of failure and my equally insane fear of success. My light and my darkness. My insides and my out...how could I believe anything less? How could I buy into the whole 'not enough' paridigm. I am that I am...cuz he made me that way. And elevation not improvement is my motivation. Today I claim my divine inheritance. I am free to be me. I may not be right, but I am real. I may be different tomorrow, but today this is me. Today I am grateful for all that I am...and I promise that no matter what temporary mood takes over--, I will maintain my peace and my truth. I refuse to buy into the whole thin and lightly tanned and perfect anything exists. My perfection comes from me TOTALLY accepting myself as God made me. Claiming and reflecting my love and joy for the precious gift of life and communion. Today I dont have anything to do but accept and be myself. No matter what the status quo...I have to dare to be me...there is only one of me...and the world misses out...if i am trying to live up to any other standards than the ones that God made for me? I dont have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful...if I accpet the gift of beauty that is naturally mine. I do not have to talk a certain way or pretend to be where I am not in order to be...what I "think" I should be. As most of these thoughts are not mine anyway! Its pure madness...and my awareness of this in this moment...makes me SO GRATEFUL. I know I'm rambling...but its like...I felt so heavy...worrying about weight, and finances, and how my life appears to be...all the while missing opportunity to be grateful for how my life IS. It is lovely. I still have human problems, but I have God...so...by comparison. I cant be too concerned with that. I still have places where I need to judge less and love more, but I am being worked with on that. I have places where I choose fear over faith...but its all good. It happens. Do I stay there...no siree...I always come back. Cuz I live here. In Gods place. I dont live in Detroit...I live in God. I dont live in this world--with all of its falseness...I live IN GOD! Right now...I am. How sweet it is--to be loved by you!

Good Morning!

I am not having a very good morning. I woke up early...still left late. Made a lunch...dropped in in the driveway. Took the road with no contruction...drove behind the slowest cars EVER the whole 20 miles!! Dreamed about work...so I never really left. Tried to be nice and wake my man up so he can go get a J-O-B this morning...and he dragged his feet!!! Tried to pray...but the taunting voice just kept laughing at my folly . Ha hahahahaha Yes this has been a character building morning. My mom was at my house when I got home yesterday...and ...not going there...let me get down to business.

Thank you God for keeping me aware of your presence behind the incidents that have occured in this day so far. Thank you for allowing me to hear my thoughts and feel my emotions brewing a storm in my mind and body-threatening to rob me of my precious peace. Thank you for reminding me that You are much bigger than ALL of my circumstances. Thank you for expanded perspectives that helped to ease my pain and not blame outside sources...even tho...(smile). Thank you for keeping me in a place that I was able to view the events from a heightened perspective so that I was not completely caught up in them. And thank you for reminding me that when I write...I can free myself of anything. And further more...thank you so much for the free back massage that my building is offering. If there was ever a day when I could use it...it is today...and you in all your KNOWING and Grace have once again provided everything I could ever need. You did not stop the events of this day...but you have reminded me that no matter what happens you are here. And when I took a minute to pause...you let me know...that my exterior experience and myself were not one. I am one with YOU! For this and all my life...I thank you. I love you. First and Always. Keelah

Beautifully Human

I met this guy yesterday...He was so beautiful. I was stopped at a red light, where I stop mostly everyday. And everyday there is at least one homeless person up underneath the overpass. I always speak, even if I dont give any money. I want them to know that they are acknowleged. That somewhere out there in this busy azz self important world...someone does SEE them. I feel the same way they do sometimes. I look at you, hoping that you recognize me. That you can help me-to know...but we are all so busy, busy, busy! Trying to get there from here...Digressing..I look at the guy and flash him a smile...and spoke. And he hunched over his sign a bit and then popped it open like he was flashing me! It was hilarious! I had to talk to him. I called him over and asked him his name and blessed him. In spirit and in cash. He took it and offered me my blessings...then as he maneuvered back through traffic, he unfolded the bill and his eyes lit up. He was so excited! He screamed at me...God Bless you! It felt good to give. At first I judged myself and said I gave because he amused me. Like..."Dance monkey, DANCE!" Because honestly I was okay with just speaking...but when I went beyond that taunting bitch! who doesnt really know me at all...I realized that I offered to him because he was me. He was a spiritual being living a human experience. Except in his life story...he had no home, no job...none of the physical trappings that offer false security to most humans in this world...but what he did have, despite what it looked like...was spirit. He had a sense of humor...and the ability to laugh. I loved him in that moment. Because he instantly and reminded me of THE truth. Spirit is free. And in any given moment...nothing else really matters. Being alive is not accumulation or acquisitions, or status or wealth, or beauty or health even (tho life sure feels better with them)...Being alive is being here. Fully present. And able to enjoy whatever moment you find yourself in. Thank you, Dude! For a second I wondered...what if he were Jesus? Did I do good? I think I did. I entered the moment with him and in that moment...we were ONE. So thankfull! Love. First and Always.