I gotta do it!

I finally figured it out. Why I feel so repressed and unsatisfied. Because I am NOT allowing myself to have the opportunity to live my dreams. I have always dreamed big. Shit, I cant help it. I am a dreamer by creation. I have always seen big and grand things for myself. My tastes have always been waaay outside of my 'belief range' ...and I didnt have anyone to really encourage my high flying ideals. Most people around me had had their dreams dismissed already, so the advice I tended to get was, "Be realistic" or repeated comments about my head being "in the clouds"...

I tried to supplement my REAL dreams with other dreams that were much more palatable to my world. I tried to be an entrepeneur, doing something that I can do well...customer service. I figured, that would be easy right? NO. Its never easy, when its not RIGHT!

What I want to do... seems far fetched in a way, but in a lot of ways, its closer to me than anything. Because I ponder it daily. I practice it daily. I dream of it daily. I fantasize on it daily. And I exercise it daily. I'm like an athelete, who has yet to put himself in the draft pool.


I dont know if I really have any talent, or if its all in my head. But truth be told, I BELIEVE that I can be successful at this craft. I am an artist. I have always known it. Tried to find other, lesser ways of expressing it. But thats not working. I have to try this. I HAVE to. I do not wish to live with regret, over something so HUGE to me. I want to look at my sons and say...GO FOR YOUR DREAMS!!!! And mean it.

I will do that. For them and for me! I dont have to be the biggest or the best...but I have to be!!

Off to do research. I have one month before this ball gets rolling. Life is about to get super busy...but it will be BEYOND WORTH IT.

Wish me luck!

Keelah

Forgotten dreams

I was visiting Monica this morning and she sparked a rememberance in me. When I was smaller...it was my full intention to move out of this place. I never really liked Detroit. Its not a bad place, I just never felt at home here. Even with all my family here...I knew I would leave. But I am 27 now, and I am still here. Unhappily here. True my unhappiness and unease is not just because of where I am, but maybe that does have a lot to do with it. I never wanted to be here. I used to see a whole nother vision for my adult life and it is not turning out that way. I saw myself free and carefee and that is not the case. Not because of my many obligations (that I tend to ignore) but because this is NOT the life for me. I never really saw myself tied down. And I dont mean by marriage perse...I mean literally--unable to move freely. My spirit feels consticted. I saw myself as a follow the wind girl...yet I find it hard to make the next step ahead of me. Sigh. How did my free self morph into this girl? I look at the smaller areas of my life, where I allow fear to make my decisions and I have a vague memory of being FEARLESS. Where my decisions were made for me and regardless of what anyone else had to say about it...it was what it was. I keep saying this..repeating it over and over--how it 'used' to be. I am hopelessly stuck in the past when I was myself. How do I get back to her? How do I do that? Do I just pretend that I am still fearless, when fear is right on my chest? Do I just begin again? Seems to easy to be real? What if it is? hmmm--how would that change the way that I view the world and my place in it? It would change EVERYthing! Dear God, I pray to have your eyes and see all of the opportunity and abundance that you see. For your child is lost and having a really rough time holding the vision. Please God help me to move through this fear that has me feeling stunted and help me rise to greatness that I KNOW you have for me.