Good Life

We moved. We love. We left some things behind. And we are eagerly anticipating moving forward with clarity, strength, spiritual honesty and LIFE!!! My family is in such a better place...because mommy finally had the faith and motivation to make the 'tough' decisions. I am so proud of myself for finally standing up for what is right and just. I am proud of myself to pray with all that I am to release my past and step BOLDLY into the NOW! I am so proud and excited to live the life that I often times dreamed, but never dared reach for. Each day is a new day...and no matter what, I will find a reason to smile and be grateful in EACH AND EVERY ONE! There are too many little things to be thankful for... so I will just extend the most sincere and complete THANK YOU GOD...that I have ever uttered. Because only you know what this truly means . I thank you in advance for your plans for my life. Cuz I know they are the ish! I look forward to living for you for the rest of my life. I cant serve two masters...and self - serving did NOT work out very well for me. Thank you for clarity. Thank you for connection. Thank you for love and support. Thank you for miracles. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my life. Thank you for me being me! I SO ROCK!!!! You do too!

:)

By Sharing His Spirit...

He connected worlds!!!

I will always love you Mike Jackson! I admire the strength of who you are. You did it! You did good! We appreciate all that you shared with us. And we are thankful that you left so much of yourself here. you have touched so many souls...generations!! MY BOYS ADORE YOU! Especially Jeremiah. I am so thankful to have been alive to experience your presence. You are an inspiration, even more so now that you died for it. You prove to me that greatness, and its lasting effects is always worth the cost! All-ways. Thank you. See ya on the other side...

Me

I need...still

I need rejuvenation of my mind, body and spirit.
I need my soul to be magnified and expressed purely and potently through my experience of life.
I need this heaviness in my abdominal cavity to be cleansed and released!

I need this brain fog to clear so that I can SEE!

I need for my burdens to be lifted, so that I may move about in the fashion that is most beneficial. I feel stuck. I feel a constipation of spirit, if you will. I know its there. I KNOW IT IS. Cuz it is...but how the hell do you get it to come out??? I need an essence laxative.

My life depends on it. My health depends on it. My sanity (whats left) depends on it.

Whatever this is... me no likey! I need to remove the restrictions, but they are invisible and I just dont know how...

I really could use some life tools. Sigh... cuz its not working... This is why people run from life, because staying here and looking at it...SUCKS! Running doesnt do much either...but I want to scream. I want to cry. But...I cant...my tears wont fall, so they cant dry.

Ode to my FAVORITE!

I see a vision of the life that I have secretly dreamed of. I say secretly, because I have long since abandoned the belief that I could have what I wanted. So often in life, I was told that I couldn't have what I wanted. I was either offered a consolation, which in my eyes never matched up to what I truly desired. Or I was told, "too bad, sad!....in life you dont always get what you want." which, I guess is a true lesson. However, I am observing in my life how that has translated:



I no longer acknowledge my desires anymore...



This has served several purposes. It has kept me from being hurt and disappointed from life. If I never acknowledge that I want something, then I dont try to have it. And If i never 'try' to get it...then when I dont... I cant be mad right?





WRONG!!



I have found myself in a curious situation lately, and I feel ill prepared on how to respond to it.

I have found the love of my life. A wonderful man who is EVERYTHING I could possibly think I want and MORE! His soul FITS in mine. Comfortably and perfectly. He is sincere, honest, loving, industrious, a great father, and understanding, strong, generous, open minded, our personalities EFFORTLESSLY mesh, we want the SAME THINGS out of life, and both agree that it would be lovely to pursue that together.

I have no doubts about his feelings and intentions for me. I always have doubts...but his presence, dispells them.

I trust him. I respect his decisions, his mind, his ambition...and he loves me enough to encourage me to strive for my best! And does what he can to assist me. Which is a whole helluva lot. I can DEPEND on him. And he wants me too! He wants to provide...and dammit, I want to be provided for!

I UNDERSTAND him and he, I. Our communication is SUPERB! And its just and 'easy' way of being!


He holds a very high image of me, and I feel that affecting my spirit in such a positive way. I can relax when I'm with him...and finally, I am starting to believe that my unworthy feelings are wrong... And that LOVE IS REAL!!!! Its not just other people who get to live and love, and just experience happiness. It can be me too!

For the last few months, I have been healing and purging. Cleansing and learning...and now I understand why...

He has come... And we have a job to do.

He is my friend, my partner, my love, my inspiration, my 'conscience', lol. He is so wonderful, and I am very thankful for him. I feel very gay saying this... I feel weak. I feel fear, and I feel like opening up to love may hurt me in the end.... but I feel LOVE and SUPPORT more than all those things.

No longer am I waiting to exhale...

I am breathing! ALIVE! And settling quite comfortably into the notion of being with him.

Is it too soon to hear the march, and see the dress? Hmmm....maybe. But its not too soon to know that I want to laugh with him, and talk to him, and just BE with him...forever. Its not too soon to know that we have that 'special' substance about us that makes life better. We bring out the best and help to heal the worst in each other.
And we do that without trying... it just IS.

I love... again. And its wonderful! :D

May we all have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY EVER!!!!!

Keelah

Misplaced Myself

Do you ever feel, that you are just NOT in the right space?
This feeling is so pervasive that its making me physically ill. Well it could be that damn rotavirus as well...but I honestly am feeling that there is a change that has happened...and somehow my physical world has not yet adjusted to it. Because I feel VERY uneasy about a lot of things in my life.

I am not LOVING my job like I used to. I am still very proficient at it, but my drive is waning and FAST! I dont want to lose it...because I have my children to think of...but I sure am HATING coming here nowadays. It grates everything soft and pure in me to do so. I am open and rubbed raw by this circumstance.

I am not understanding how to accept love. I know...sit there and take it! But how??? Who doenst understand this? Apparently quite a few of us...


I want...and I need...

I see solutions, silver linings, and good things...but inside me is a brewing pot of something terrible. At the surface, which is the only place I dare scratch...is anger, RAGE EVEN, helplessness, desire for COMPLETE OVERHAUL, pain, abandonment, F.E.A.R, and just a general distaste for all things current.

I need to better get a grip on what I feel...but I cant do that unless I actually FEEL it...and I dont want to feel these things...Cuz letting them lose may make bad things happen.

Today I want to retreat to the safety of my shell until this particular storm passes...
...again.

...only thing about that is...MY shell is not the haven it used to be. Its a really tight fit. I think I should eat less.

Seeing as though this emotional period of my life has me eating nonstop and I gained 6 lbs...QUICKLY!!! wtf?

I am at work, I'd rather be in bed....nursing myself. Holding myself. Comforting myself...Telling myself, it is all a part of the process...and that I am doing fine.

Go ahead, dont let your yesterdays hold any weight on your todays. Its over. You dont have to hurt anymore. You have grown into a lovely young lady. You have a heart that wont stop. That is why you hurt, you are going against all that is real and true. You cant NOT love...You can only try your damndest! It will never work. That is what you are built for. You are built to love HARD. Learn always. And to give of that wellspring. Dont be afraid of being hurt...But dont be so 'strong' that you feel you need to carry every grievance either. Let them go... Let it ALL GO!

You are beautiful, caring, honest. loving, creative, and PERFECT! You are a great mom, and will make a wonderful wife (for some unsuspecting fool! lol at u!) You have a lot inside of you to share... dont give up on yourself...as I will NEVER give up on you. Dont ignore the hurt, but dont dwell either....just let it be....and DO YOU! Be the wonderful you that you already are. Hurt and all...you are still loved beyond what your beautiful mind can measure.

wwoooohssssahhhh

I sit.
...and I wait.

I wait for the next time it comes around. I wait to see how I respond.
Will it be painless this time? Or will it ache long after the wound has been...
TOUCHED.

I wonder how much I really gave, because the pain is lingering...I feel.
I feel the past slipping, to wherever it goes, when its no longer NOW.
It hurts. Deeply.

So I cry. Sit. In stillness. Waiting.


I move forward, chagrined. Destined to succeed.

How naive of me to believe that I could walk this earth, and love...unscathed!!!

I laugh bitterly at myself for that one! I mock the promises of life after death.

Fuck later. I need NOW!

I am afraid of the day when I wake up...totally okay.

But I yearn for that day as well. Because then, I can pick up the pieces, and continue crafting my masterpiece!

Its will be beautiful. Not inspite of, but in light of.

So through this...I say thank you.

Thank you for revealing to me that place that still needs. Still hurts. The place in me not protected by the wall.

You have shown me, my vulnerability. My softness. My love.

I will continue...not inspite of, but in light of.

Questions

Will it always hurt so bad?

Will I ever be able to look at you and not feel failure and rejection?

Will I ever smile, and be thankful about how things worked out?

Will you ever come and tell me that you love me? And I feel it?

Will I ever be able to stop telling myself "Its okay"....?

Does the pain ever lessen or will it continue to hide for weeks at a time, only to resurface at the strangest, most embarrassing moments?

Do you miss 'us' as much as I do?

Will my children blame me?

Will anyone ever be able to love me?

Can I stop crying now?

Why cant I just 'get over it' like you have?

Why does heartache feel so 'personal'...I know its not...but I feel that I am the only one who feels this way?

Why does the thought of being a part of your past...tear my heart to shreds?

Why am I still here? Its been MONTHS!!!

If I didnt have the WORLDS BEST KIDS....

I would want to die RIGHT NOW!

Have you ever been so unhappy that you just wanted life to end, so that your soul could be free? Maybe I could live another life, in a another universe. And in that universe...I'm okay, just the way I am.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I do. I KNOW this. But I cannot lie, even after looking at all these things, this terrible unhappiness is doing me in. I just dont feel like living much anymore. Usually being at work intensifies these feelings. Not that I dont like what I do...but because I dont want to do it right now. Does that make any sense. My job is fulfilling in a lot of ways... but my soul is just so restless playing small. Yet, I'm terrified of revealing my true nature. I'm so tired of being afraid, but I cant shake this feeling. This monkey on my back is gaining weight. I am not getting stronger carrying all these burdens...I am being worn down. I have visions of a happy life, a fulfilling life, a truly blessed life. And in some ways, I honestly do believe that it can be mine...but will it? In my heart, I dont believe it.

I believe that I am destined to do what I think others expect of me... be a burdened broke down single mom. Eventually running from man to man, searching for the love that little girl Keelah never got from Daddy. Trying to be all that mama tried to make her be. Trying not to repeat the past, but living the predestined role without opportunity for change.

I either starve my sorrows, or compulsively feed them.

I either ignore them, or chief and listen to them.

I know who I am...but I cant live it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so damaged...how can I fix it? Is it even possible?

I'm good people, I know it! But I'm so afraid. Of life, of love, of success, of failure. I am LITERALLY scared to breathe!!! (I hold my breath MOST of the time)

I feel like I am suffocating in this life! Literally unable to function... I want to go lay down under the covers and cry til I cant cry anymore.... but I cant even do that right!

I need an epidural...removal of all pain... I'm tired of being hurt... I'm just so, so tired.

My sons deserve better than this... but I am not better than this...and I'm all they've got!

I need a shot of faith...in the vein. I am dying today.... but the tragic part is...I will probably live until tomorrow...to suffer all over again. But if God is so gracious as to take my spirit from this wretched existence...then will my sons even know how very deeply I love them? How I pray so deeply that my love for them is enough... How I pray every night to wake up different. For them. To feel that I deserve them.

But...alas...I woke up, (late again) still this FUCKED UP MESS! God...why are you not ending this misery??? Why? If you love me so much...why not just KILL ME NOW!!!?????

I cant do this for much longer...I.just...cant!

I wish...

That I was able to be fabulous! That I had plans for Thanksgiving tomorrow...that I was inviting over loved ones for a lovely dinner, with beautiful place settings and could be confident that the atmosphere would be filled with lots of love and happy times. Unfortunately, this time of year is very painful for me. Its sad and lonely and I always feel so isolated and disconnected, even when I'm surrounded by people. I get lots of invites, but I dont fit anywhere. And the holiday season reminds me of that painfully. I have two children now...I can start a tradition for us. I can make my home where I fit...right? *Sigh* maybe next year. This year I'm a day early and several hundred dollars short! Melancholy has grabbed my azz again... Get.off.my.ass.bitch!!!! I'm trying to be HAPPY!!!!

Today I am grateful...

I have been doing something called Rampaging...Its basically writing down things you are grateful for as often as you think about it. I am always amazed at how many things that tend to slip beneath the radar of my awareness on any given day. Usually I feel very good, but today I'm a lil slow on the uptake, so I will use rampaging to bring me back into focus.

I am thankful that my car is holding on long enough for us to get another one.
I am thankful that I have a job to go to, that I enjoy, am good at, and that pays me for my time spent away from my darling children.
I am thankful that I have a CLEAR vison of what I am creating in my life. There is no more muddy confusion about where I am going or how I'm going to get there. It is already done!
I am thankful for communication and acceptance. I am flirting with mastery (imo) in both arenas! Go me!
I am thankful that I am getting better at womanly things. Not perfect, but I am super appreciative for the apparent progress that I am seeing from paying more attention to feminine qualities.
I am thankful that my life is being recreated and I KNOW that when its all settled, it will be filled with true love, good friends, good times, and MUCH PAMPERING!
I am so thankful for Jesus. He really is my homeboy and is helping me to lift up, when I am tempted to feel down! Good looking Hay-seus! (inside joke, lol)
I am thankful for the moments in life where I am truly alive! When I am 'plugged in', I feel a part of the entire fabric of life, and it helps when I begin to feel lonely or chronically misunderstood.
I am thankful for the pain that I feel...it offers me a wonderful contrast for the joy that is emerging in my life! It keeps me humble and in this delicious state of thankfulness.
I am thankful that even though I have COMPLETELY fallen off the whole 'diet' wagon...my body is still striving towards homeostasis! Gotta love the natural flow of the universe. Always lifeward--NO MATTER WHAT!
I am thankful for the deepening of my spirit! I had been feeling pretty surface for a while, since I decided to put a happy face on everything. But in the moments in the still of the night, when its just me and God...I can release my 'organicness' and just be me...the totally un-cut, raw, stripped to my core...ME! We all need a space to feel ourselves on that level.
I pray for courage to live from that space, because while its often uncomfortable, it is always genuine...and TOTAL HONESTY and full disclosure of spirit is my only goal in life. To live as I am...straight, no chaser.
I am thankful for unconditonal love. It exists! Sometimes, I dont allow it, because it doesnt come from where I want it to...or look how I think it should. But I have it, and I know it!
I am thankful for friendship. I went a long time denying my need for friends, but without them, my life would be emptier, colder and less 'comfortable'. I anticipate the day when I can fully express to all of them how much they mean to me, without feeling so...weak.
All in all...Its all good! If you made it this far, thank you for listening. Much love!
Keelah

Fading away....

Its been a while...I am really down, so there's really no reason to post. My relationship is ending and after almost 9 years this is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. But its going down...so I'm dealing. My sister hates me! My mother annoys me. My children love me, though. So I have what I need to make it through this. Its just that I am not feeling like blogging. My energy is not happy or optimistic right now. But I know that I will be alright! I will be checkin on yall from time to time.

Love.

I am NOT my family!

Why oh WHY is this concept so DIFFICULT for me to really accept??? My family is great (in their own little way). I mean...who doesnt have things about their family that they wish were different? But you grow up...try to learn to stop blaming them...accept responsiblity for your own life...and blah blah blah. But I had a reveleation in the shower. I still live a LOT, and when I say lot,I mean LOT!!!! of my life based on what I THINK my role was or is in my family. Its the weirdest thing ever...Some things that I remember coming natural to me...FEEL so foreign now, because after years of ridicule (that apparently I havent released) I am almost ashamed to let parts of myself BE FREE! I thought my mom was in the shower with me...saying I was taking too long because I was shaving my legs and using my loofah...and adding my Oil of Olay body lotion. I heard her voice...saying "Why are you doing all that?" and "You are taking too long...Don't nobody care about all that".

But I do.

I almost hurried myself up...until I realized, Thank GOD!, I was in the shower alone...and that voice was just a ghost of my PAST! It was the craziest thing ever...because...it was then that it REALLY HIT MY AZZ IN A POTENT WAY! I am NOT my family. Never have been...I like aromatherapy, yoga, energy work. I own more books than movies...and I prefer it like that. I shave hairy things...I bathe for the hell of it! I used to spend hours "experimenting" with my hair. Yep! Just to pull it back in a ponytail the next day, but...Hey!? I can also stare at myself in the mirror for HOURS...you never know when you may need a certain "look". I set moods in my room...JUST FOR ME! I practice putting on my clothes sexily...haha shhhh dont tell nobody! BTW NO that ISH does NOT work being 8 months pregnant! Almost broke my damn neck this morning! :) But all in all, the point is...that I am NOT necessarily doomed to live out the character that I grew up playing. I can be ME! ALL DAY LONG! :D

Need

I am feeling heavy lately. My insides feel like they weigh a TON! I know that I can alleviate this by just TALKING to my man about how I feel. But that is really proving to be more difficult than I could have imagined. I am going to mess around and have an anxiety attack from all of the feelings that I am trying to stifle. I can feel myself literally moving things around to not show myself. Its hard work. But honestly, its the way I do things. For most of my life. I dont like uncomfortable feelings, so I usually try to convince myself that I'm not having them. Only this time...its not working so well. They are there. They are with me when I awake, as I work, on my commute, when I talk to others, and even infiltrating my dreams. My true feelings are there...threatening to expose my heart and ruin the hard and 'controlled' exterior that I have tried to create for myself. I am afraid. I am afraid because for the first time in my life..I NEED - And I cant hide it. I cant talk my way out of it...cant make believe that I dont. There is something inside of me that I cannot deny. And my inability to hide it...makes me feel weak. I dont want this. This cannot be...but it is. And that scared me. I feel like I am unraveling at the seams. I am losing my friggin mind! My heart is closed. And I feel it opening...and that scares me. Because along with loving fully...I will be fully exposed. Naked. Open to be......touched. And I'm not sure thats what I want. I want to be embraced...but not held. Felt, but not touched. Loved, but not open. And I know that these are impossibities, one cannot exist without the other...but what am I to do? Fear has me frozen. For the first time in a long time...my need for love...is much larger than my fear of it. And I dont know how to let go...and just embrace the emergence of need. What do I do with it? Do I stomp the ground trying to satisfy it...or is it enough just to admit, the hardest thing that I have ever had to admit...I, Wakeelah...need.