Lowered Expectations

Me and Gina were just I'mmin talking about men. And she was saying how she wanted a man that had his shit together. Understandable...but I feel differently, I want to be compatible with my man...money was not the main focus. Now mind you, I dont want a man who cant afford the pot he needs to piss in, becasue that is NOT a compatible trait with me. But when I list the things that are desirable in my mate, the material things are always last on my list. I want my man to be attentive to my personal needs, who can understand me, and who has the same goals that I do. I want a man who makes me feel like a woman, and the greatest one alive at that! I want my man to pick up the slack where I leave off, while helping me to be stronger. I want to be able to lean on him without him falling over, and withtout "needing" him to be there. I want him to be strong enough to support me in my goals without feeling threatened, and motivated and courageous enough to go after his own. Then I would want a man with nice shit...cuz I like my shit. Its not the best, but its the best that I can afford right now and I'm proud of it. I want a man who is satisfied with who he is, but still wanting more...cuz thats me! Well my goal anyway. I dont have it all together on that note, which may be why I dont expect that from my man. But then I wondered do I have lowered expectations because I dont demand certain things from him. Like good credit, and furniture and enough money to do for me what I can do for myself? Or are my priorities just different...its hard for me to tell. Have I lowered my standards to fit my circumstance or am I just not comfortable enough with myself to admit that I dont think the way that most people do. hmmm

Change is not an ideal...it is REAL!!!!

This may or may not sound like common sense to most people, but I am not most people. I was standing in my mirror that only shows my body yesterday and I noticed that I was holding my stomach in like I always do. (takes a helluva lot of effort, I'll tell you!) And I know that if I could actually stick to my diet that I could possible look like that. Then it occured to me...I wouldnt look like that, I would look waaay better because I would not just be a smaller version of my fat self. I would transform into a whole new self! A stronger self. A more efficient self. That realization blew my mind!!!! All these years I have been sucking in my gut and pinching my waist to try and determine what I would look like 'if only' I were smaller, and that was not doing me any justice. I couldnt fathom that I would not only look different. That my body would BE different. NOt kind of like it was, but totally different. The only reason that this hit me so hard was because that I truly did not believe that REAL change was possible. I have always imagined that if I were to change that they would be some weird alternate version of what is now. Not the case...this epiphany is HUGE! It means that I have been holding myself back from actually achieveing or accomplishing what I want becasue I do not believe it is possible. Now I know that it is. The only thing is to get there.

Baby Steps?

Okay I was talking to Gina last night and she told me that she had conditioner in her hair and that she was kinda liking the way it was. I was proud of her. I asked her if she were gonna wear her hair in its natural form and she said "hecks naw...baby steps"! I couldn't help but wonder how many baby steps she was going to take before she realized she was a grown azz woman and should be taking grown azz woman steps. Proud and fierce, cuz lemme tell ya! Girl is fly as hell up under all that stuff she hides behind. inner voice: ARENT WE ALL??? hmmm. N-E way! She has been growing her hair naturally for years but has not worn it that way and she ran the idea by a 'friend' that she was thinking about it...and her friend says to her that she will never find a man like that. Or that the only kind of man that she would find would be a dread wearing..so and so. I dont know the exact verbiage, but its crazy to me how black women in 2007 still are afraid of the truth. And how we try to discourage others from being comfortable with it so that we can remain in ignorance, comfortably. I was angry because of that. And not because I am natural but because the connotation that being who you are in your original form will keep you from finding love. And how many black women or women period--for one reason or another --believe this foolishness and set out to "try" and be anything other than the Glory the God made. Its ludicrous to try to be another--or like any other and its plain tom foolery to try NOT to be what you already are. We are BLACK! Our hair is not straight or shiny like a Pantene commercial. It is thick, twisted and complex. But BEAUTY-FULL beyond belief. Sometimes I look at my hair in the mirror and get emotional because I cant believe that its ALL MINE!!! Now I dont want to say its not hard sometimes. Being natural in a society where conformity reigns...is not always easy. But quite honeslty I couldnt picture it any other way. Because this is the way that it is...and I LOVE IT!

Mens Jeans

Oh MY GOD!!! I was having an exceptionally good day yesterday. I was super affectual at work and learned somthing new, which are two feelings that I LOVE LOVE LOVE! Well when I get home...my good mood is still there and Im happy. I mean, I really feel peace with myself and everything. Then it happened...something so seemingly harmless, but the impact was deep. I didnt feel it because I numbed myself sufficiently, but now I am starting to think about it...and I am not happy not one bit! Well the thing was I was going to run outside for a quick minute and the closest jeans were my mans. So slipped them on...as I have over the past 8 years that we have been together and then i noticed...they were staying up!! Now dont get me wrong...my man is not fat, but I have NEVER been able to put his pants on and not have to fold them up in my hands to keep them up...sigh. I turned around and THEY FIT! Now mind you when I showed him (with tears welling up in my eyes) He said...they are big...but that didnt make me feel better because they used to be HUGE! I have a mirror set up in my room that I can only see my body in-not my head. Doing that helps me to look at myself objectively. N-E Who!!! The point is that I can FIT a size 38 jeans--mens baggy jeans!!! sigh! Guess I have to do something about that huh?

Baby Blues??

I wonder am I having a bit of baby blues...My son will be 3 months on the 22nd...and I feel so overwhelmed with all that I feel I have to do. He requires so much and I feel like I have so little actually available for him. I feel like maybe he chose the wrong mother, because most of the time, I feel incompetent, illprepared and just not ready for such a big responsiblity. To be honest...I thank God for my man! He is the BEST father in the world!!! With my son, he is so patient and attentive and understanding and willing to go further than I've ever seen him motivated to go. He is at his best! I love him so much! But me on the other hand...I feel withdrawn, and nervous and just not a good mother. On the days where I feel good...I feel like I can conquer the world, with my baby on my head (like those photos of some Africans) but on most days I feel like...Sorry and Pathetic! These are harsh words, and they feel as awful as their intent, I guess. I just feel like I need to be...better. Like I'm not good enough. I am struggling with allowing my feminity, so how am I to raise an emotionally healthy son? I have so many things that I have prayed for come into my life and I find that I am so afraid of having them, that I am putting it off...indefinately. And of course that is depressing as well. I know I sound gloomy, but this is not my whole life...There are more parts, some satisfying and exciting and some hopeful and encouraging...but motherhood is a large pill to swallow and Im struggling to really hold on to hope that I am good enough for him. I love him with all my heart, but I just dont know what to do...I feel like if I can quickly master my own life, that I could actually be of some good to him...but in this state of complete disarray...I feel worry. I feel hopeless and I feel ...blah blah blah... Enough of that...I am in the process of pulling myself out of this hole NOW... Just had to get that out! Thanks for listening.

Shoepiphany!!!

Okay I had one of the most monumental moments of my life the other day. I was web browsing at work, planning where to get most of my wardrobe staples for my closet that I am rebuilding from scratch...and I decided to go to Macys.com...Now normally I avoid higher end stores like the plague, because for (1) I dont have much money to spend on clothes, which I viewed as a luxury and not a necessity and (2)...I just had some weird uncomfortableness about more expensive pieces...I'll disect that later! Anyway as I browsed macys, I found a fabulous pair of heels (which I havent worn in like...YEARS!!) And on sale they were like 40 dollars. Now 40 dollars tends to be more than I would normally spend, but I am noticing (now) that it is ALWAYS worth paying more for quality things, cuz they last longer and they fit better...and lets just face it. Dont I deserve the best that I can possibly have???? To make a long story short...I found like 6 pairs of fabulous shoes ranging from 40 to 100 dollars...and they were all unique and special and I felt pure excitement over the prospect of actually having a shoe catalogue to choose from in the morning!!! Before that day, I thought you needed a basic black pair and a pair of gym shoes. Maybe some brown ones, as I tend to accumulate a LOT of brown clothes...but never just shoes for the sake of shoes. And never more than one pair of the same color--even if the style could completely change an outfit. What the hell was wrong with me? Once again, I found that for YEARS, I have been denying myself one of the beautiful pleasures of being a woman. Dressing up and expressing myself through my clothes. I once viewed this as shallow, but I think that may have been a lot of insecurity and jealousy. Because I didnt trust my instincts...I didnt appreiciate my unique taste on style, so I had to hate yet envy everyone who could. Wow feels so free to admit that ...I started a wish list on macys and requested info about their sales and promotions...maybe it is possible to actually build a quality wardrobe without breaking the bank! I even ventured out and went to Nordstroms where I found many must have fashion items. Now I am interested in finding quality clothes that complement my body, even though I am in the process of changing it...because I shouldnt put off fabulousness until some undetermined time...My life is happening now, and its my DUTY to enjoy it! And to represent!!! Even things that I once considered off limits for me! Beauty! Now this all started with me picking out 10 pairs of must have shoes for me to begin with...but I see how this can acutally carry over into every area of my existence. Its like this shoepiphany opened up my mind to what I really desire deep down in my heart and its opened my heart to actually have faith to step out into uncharted territory. By the way...I am ordering my first pair of 'Grown and Sexy' shoes today! Yaay me!!!

whatever...happy new year

I brought in the new year alone. And it was WONDERFUL!! I felt a little confused and guilty for my not being with my son, but I wasnt feeling well and it was for the best that he stay at my moms. My man was out to a friends to bring in the new year...even after I tried the ultimate guilt trip to make him stay with me (dumb ego!) but anyway...I was alone and reading a new book by Eckhart Tolle in a total state of peace. It felt so good. I didnt try to do any last minute cleaning or worry about what had to be done or fantasize about how the new year was gonna be...I just stayed in the moment and learned that in the moment...life is! And thats it. There is no room for rushing or hurrying or avoiding or any of that when you are right here right NOW. and it felt so good. I made peace with myself and my life and that is the best way to leave one year and enter into another one. or one moment or one day or however far you want to take it. It feels right to just surrender yourself to the moment as it is. I've always been a dreamer, at the expense of being a liver! Ha ha I said liver...I meant live-er. You cant dream and live your life at the same time. I realized last night for sure...that my thoughts run through my mind...but they are not me. My emotions live inside my body, but they are not me either. I am like the container for all of the functions that get played out in my life everyday...and I also felt that I was full of things that I no longer wanted to be...and upon that realization they left. They left me with nothing...and that was PERFECT! I called my mom and wished her and my baby boy a Happy New Year! My man called me at 12:01 which made me feel good on a weird level. He loves me! i said a prayer for everyone...since the shooting was RIDICULOUS! And ended my night loving my man! It was great! Life is good...when you slow down enough to pay attention to it. love