I havent blogged. I havent had much to say. I have had some good days, I have had some bad days. Lately... My mood has been better, but my life has been worse. Go figure!

Long story short...the wonderful, beautiful, affordable place close to my job that was my absolute DREAM for a start over for my boys and I is a BUST! Its all of the above still...but VERY UNSAFE. Now...on a non-existent budget, I have to move us again. Sigh*

I was hoping to not move in the winter anymore...but too many thugs, too many crackbitches, too many police incidents, too many jokahs trying to 'get wit me' and 'kick.it.with.my children' to get close to me....TOO MUCH!

Too many lost keys, too many 'strange' occurences...I really think someone was IN OUR SPACE yesterday. IN MY SPACE!!! I hurt. I havent slept well in about 2 months, I am running on the bare minimum...and I dont know what to do. Only thing I know for sure, is that we must move, and we must do so soon.

If anyone still visits, please assist me in affirming our new beautiful, affordable, centrally located, safe and FABULOUS new place!! I do believe there is power in numbers!

I feel gloomy, and down...thats not my intent.

My children and I have a wonderful relationship. This motherhood thing is quite nice!
My familly and I are gelling better...still must call my cousin. Sigh* I love you girl!
My childrens father and I relationship is EXCELLENT! I think we should write a book on how to avoid baby mama/daddy drama. Chapter 1: Dont EVER refer to each other as baby daddy and mama. (digressing)
My new friend and I are both making moves seperately and together and its wonderful. I enjoy him much! His soul was sent here to soothe me. He does it well! ;) Aye papi!
Eating habits are changing... lost a few lbs.
Oh yeah...I have a job!

Good things are happening, but when your safety and piece of mind feels threatened...it kinda overshadows everything else. I try and think of my business, my social life, my APPEARANCE, my LIFE!!! but when I start to think on these things, I have to snap my ass right back to reality. Chick...you are not SAFE!! It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that your children are safe...So...here we go again.... I know the next place will work out, and be better than this one, because at this point in life, I can only make lateral moves...but geez!!! Welp! Here we go!

Have a fab day!

Write It Down, Make IT HAPPEN???

I will be 30 on Sept. 19!!!

Last year in October, my sister and I wrote down a list of things that we wanted to see manifest before our next birthdays. Instead of the normal things that I normally write, that I have to fight myself tooth and nail to accomplish (and never do), I decided to write down things that I REALLY wanted to have happen, but I kinda secretly felt not good enough for. THOSE to me are the things that I want the Universe to help me achieve. Things that I dont believe I can accomplish for myself.

I wrote my list: (This is what I remember off the top of my head)

• Be a successful Momtrepeneur. --Start date Mar. 9, 2009!!! YAAAAAY
• Plan a womans only getaway.
• Throw a FABULOUS get together at my house.
• Go on vacation sans kids.--Happening this weekend!! YAAAAAY
• Get a modeling Gig.--Happening in about 2 months. Got time to tighten a few things up! I get PAID!!! Bonus! I would model for free just to say I've done it! Shhhh!
• Get my hair professionally colored and styled.--Not yet, but I see this before the modeling gig!
• Run a 5k.--April 25th!!! I will be running in Belle Isle Park for the JROTC summer camp program!!!

I am dumbfounded by how effortlessly these things have worked themselves into my life. I mean... a few weeks ago, I was moaning and groaning about how big bad life has fugged me again... Thats not what I said, but its what it sounded like, and here it is... FRESH PERSPECTIVES, new motivations, and a newfound hope. I love it! I do, I do, I do!!!!

Whats GOOD with you?

Mistakes...Yes already!

I ate 3 cookies yesterday eve. I know, I know...it was a test...but they were my auntie Mary's homemade oatmeal chocolate chip boys (coincidentally she brought them over the DAY I decide to change)...and I resisted them forHOURS!!!! Then I decided...just 'taste one'.
Was that me or the addiction?
Hmmm....either way I did...and that quickly turned to 3. They were DEEEELISH! Must ask her what form of CRACK she put in them??? Everyone in my house kept gravitating to them...but sigh, everyone is not chanigng their eating habits...I am! I get it.

Lesson learned: When you feel the temptation.... counter that! I SHOULD have removed them from my sight. Instead, I kept them on the counter, so every time I went into the kitchen...there they were there...whispering softly in my ear..."Taste me...I'm so gooooood." The sound was so seductive, so enticing, so completly romantic. Promising me delectible pleasures that I could only imagine...


And they did not fail to deliver.

Moving along....Today is a GREAT day!!

Breakfast: Oatmeal w/ honey--1 boiled egg white
Coffee

Lunch: chicken, brocolli and potatoes w/ onions

Snacks: Grapefruit, celery sticks, 1 boiled egg

Dinner: Chicken and whole wheat pasta and broccoli

Snack: NOT COOKIES! Pinky swear!! :)

Everyone have a fab day!

Tomorrow never comes...

There is only today. What have you done today to make you feel empowered?

I decided last night that I am going to lose 45 lbs. by May. 9th.

So in lieu of MY decision, I got back out of bed, and packed my food for my workday.

Break-Oatmeal w/raisins, 1 boiled eggs
Snacks-celery sticks, boiled egg, grapefruit, 1/2 of a sm. baked chicken breast
Lunch-Green salad w/ carrots, bell pepper
...and my walking shoes!! Cuz on my 30 minute lunch, which is barely enough time to eat, but PLENTY of time to walk...Im workin it out! I'm done pretending that there is nothing I can do about my predicament...there are many things I can do! Just have to decide to do them...

This time, when I fall off...I will E-N-J-O-Y every moment of the slip up before getting back on track. Shit dont stop! Neither does the kid! I am done with being overweight! Just fed up...LITERALLY! Time to make space...cant be truly satizfied, if I'm always sabotaging my most basic efforts of getting my physical life in order. I love me! And I want the best for me! Time to give myself the best that I have to offer. So that as my cup runneth over, I have my BEST to offer those who depend on me and who look to me for a source of inspiration. Time to quit playing small and embrace this HUGE destiny that I know is mine! This 45 lbs. is actually my New Years Resolution. And I am starting TODAY!

I figured why not start now and have the foundation of the habits I want to cultivate in myself in place by the first?

Love Always FIRST AND FOREMOST!

Healing is quite a strange process

Some days are easier than others. Some days I feel empowered as I step out in this new life. Despite all the changes and the fears and the residual pain...I know I can and am doing it!!!
Some days, I feel that pain. The pain that losing the familiar leaves behind. The questions start to flow automatically..."what ifs", "coulda, woulda, shouldas", "blames and faults"...
I vacillate back and forth between confidence and freedom, and lonely thoughts and the insatiable urge to run back to what I know. Begging re-entry into the past!
But deep in my heart, I know that what I know isn't the same...and it isn't for me anymore. Because despite my best efforts to remain the same...I am changed. I am change-ING! I am evolving, such a wonderful work in progress, If I must say so myself.
What was...is no longer... what can satisfy this urge. I yearn to deepen and expand and encompass and inspire. I cant do that clinging to that of late. I cant do that paralyzed by the fear that always accompanies change. I have to, for the sake of fulfilling myself, step out on the faith of the smallest voice in my mind...to TAKE what is rightfully mine! Today is a GOOD day!
Stride cant be stanker!!! Oooh wait...or can it???? Stay tuned!

Be blessed and live delicious lives.

Keelah

Daddeeeeee

I love my father. He was taught that a man should deny himself and all of his needs and WORK, WORK, WORK. By any means necessary. At the expense of time spent, love shared, anything. He retired and now, he has to LOOK at the life that his beliefs have created for him and its depressing. He doesnt eat, doesnt do anything. His response daily to my ,"How are you?" is ALWAYS, "The same as everyday" with much sadness. He has only one reason to live and thats to fulfill a commitment he made to his departed mom to look after his cousin. He makes the bus trip daily to sit with her as she is bedridden. His voice is fading, his drive to live almost gone. I fear that when she goes, he will too. He asked my son if he would 'REMEMBER GRANDPA'. That hurt me to my core. He is preparing us. He is telling us that he no longer wants to be here. And I dont know what to do. His life is teachig me so much about the nature of REAL LIFE. And I hurt because I cant 'change' his mind for him. But I would love to tell my dad, in a way that he can receive that its never to late to enjoy life! That your deepest innermost dreams deserve to become manifest! You dont have to settle for a a life surrounded by people who dont value or give you the love your heart desires! You are a wonderful person with wonderful gifts to share, and we LOVE YOU!! No matter what happened in your past, you are TOTALLY LOVABLE NOW! And honestly, we always have. It hurts me that you see no way out of the prison of your mind. I want you to be here to walk me down the aisle. I want you to bore your grandchildren with your stories on your SUPERB work ethic! I love you daddy! No strings attached. I dont want anything from you other than your presence and your happiness. You give so much and dare to ask for so little. I want to see you DEMAND your worth. I wish that all the things you have locked up in your body be FREE! If necessary, I am willing to miss you eternally for you to find that peace, as I know living here is hard. Please know that you taught me more than you could ever know! And I am always thankful for you! My sons will KNOW the great man that is their Grand Pie! Love Always,

Keelah

Bitter but SWEET news!

Due to that awful cold I sported last week, I am down to 203!! I am about to get out of the 200's. Lawd! I am so excited! That is 50 LBS...GONE!!! Yep, I'm counting these sick ones. And the ones that were baby! So what...sue me! I havent been under 200 lbs in about 3 years. And even before then, me and 195 were inseperable. I am finally no longer considered obese and my goal is by the time I turn 29, on Sept. 19th, I will be at a normal and healthy weight! Being sick, but still being a mom and having ish to do gave me a hands-on-lesson about the MUST of taking VERY GOOD care of myself. And I shall! :) Have a great week all!

I actually have to go to a tailor and get my clothes altered! Like...this was unimaginable to me! I am getting my clothes taken IN!! AAAAAAHHHHHH! The impossible is possible. Prayer WORKS! :)

Another 4 bites the dust!!!

I am so excited to report, that despite my best efforts at complaining about all the things I do wrong, as far as health and fitness...something must be right...because another 4 lbs--GONE FOREVER!!! I know that if I really put in a full effort, then it could be so much more dramatic, but I'm aiming at longevity here, not just quick pat-on-the-head results!!! I feel very good about this. I am schduling a spa day for me when I make the 24 lb. mark. I know its an odd number, but its a personal milestone for me...and I can't wait to celebrate it! Be well everyone!

No more weighting!

I have been making small changes every week to reach my weight loss goals. So far, since adding a 30 minute walk and adding more water to my regimine, I have only lost 3 lbs. Which is good! Don't get me wrong, however I have been the same weight now for 2 weeks, and I know I have been indulging in chocolate EVERY DAY, so that of course is one thing that is going to have to cease. I know I have not plateaued, I must just be consuming waaay to many calories. So I decided to check and see how many calories it would take to maintain my current weight, and how many it would take to maintain my goal weight...and I am SHOCKED! In order to maintain my current weight, I need well over 3000 calories per day. YES! You read correctly...THREE T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D calories per D-A-Y! It is hard for me to believe, but I guess it could be. If I actually did the food journal thing, I'm sure I would see that to be true. When you dont KNOW...and guesstimate, you can be really off. I entered my goal weight and found that it would take 2743 calories for me to maintain that. That is so high! It sounds so doable! I hate having to chart and measure and calculate, but it is necessary for me to make it to the next step in my evolution. Just like in my closet and my finances, I have to take inventory and make a plan to get from point A to point B. I am so grateful for this, because it has definately opened my eyes. I dont have to end my life, I just have to alter it to fit into my hightest ideal. And I have a bit of leeway to do it. I mean, I was thinking I needed to do 1800 calories and I get a thousand more than that! I mean....WOW! This sounds too good to be true. But I'm going to try it out. I am going to eat 2700 calories per day this week. That is the only change I am going to make. I will not be all crazy about the type of calories at this point. I am just going to limit my caloric intake to be closer to that of my dream weight and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Last week my goal was to: Walk the building I work in...(which is three floors), for my entire lunch break. The rules were simple. I had to keep a regular pace and RUN the stairs. I was not allowed to stop until I was done.

The results: I walked 4 out of five days. The other day, I had to go do some shopping on my break.
~Day one: I only did the entire building two and half times. Every day thereafter, I did the building 4 1/2 times.
~I felt better and more energized ALL DAY LONG!
~Lesson learned: Discipline, Stick-to-itiveness!, My Body NEEDS physical activity THROUGHOUT day.

Goal for this week--Stick to at 2700 calories per day! This should be interesing!

Stats-2.36% of my body weight gone! 26% left to go!

My New Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. It is not going to be celebrated...in a traditional way. I dont really do parties, usually I get taken out to dinner...eating being one of my MOST FAVORITE pastimes. And I will probably get a card from my mom...dont know what my MIA man is going to do...prolly call me from 11 hundred miles away...so sorry that he's not here...and blah blah blah. But I'm not really excited about it...it is very much a time of reflection for me. This is my new year...and I thought...well no...(honestly i stole this from someone) why not make resolutions??

So here is what I'm turning around in my mind so far. To be revised and posted.
~Create a....budget and stick with it.
~Create an account with 6 months living expenses in it...NOT TO BE TOUCHED.
~Save $100 dollars a month (yeah I know...but hey gotta start somewhere!)
~INCREASE my income!
~Keep eyebrows maintained (sounds easy...but lately notsomuch)
~Actually begin to (REALLY) eliminate my debt.
~Take time every day...JUST FOR ME!
~Go to church at least once a month. I really miss church...but on Sundays...I pass.
~Buy myself a great book once a month! (serious cutback)
~Take a class--yoga, feldenkrais, energy healing, chakra clearing...something that I really am interested in...but always talk myself out of.
~Continue to participate in family fun stuff happening around the city with my son. So far we've done a basketball game and the circus...Good times!
~Catalog my pictures, so that my boys can see their childhood en photo! (Something I dont have)
~I guess this could all be summed up as--GET MY LIFE IN ORDER! ORGANIZE MY LIFE!--

Now that I wrote all this out...I feel so overwhelmed. This seems like so much. If I could just incorporate these things...Life would flow so much better for me...but how am I actually going to have this life? Sigh...I will think on this later...I've made my head hurt. I am mad now!

I'm having....

ONE LITTLE BOY! I was in disbelief over the little penis! For real! I have been saying 'she' for the longest...but He is definately ALL MALE! Everything looks good...he is HUGE! He is already a pound...and he waved at us during the ultrasound. He has really big feet too! His profile looks just like mine! I cant wait to meet him face to face! He is LONG! I'm going to stop eating so much before I have one of those 8 lb. babies that I fear! Well gotta go try and work...(after I visit yall spots of course ;) I'll be back...I know I still havent written about my trip yet...but its just so long...and I'm so lazy. I HAVE to figure out how to get pics off my camera into this site...I have about 6 pictures that could completely sum up the trip! Catch yall later!

I'm back...

and tied as HELL! Somehow we made a 17 hour drive into a 28 hour one! And still I managed to drag myself in today! I will write about the trip later. It was AWESOME! And yeah...We left late enough for me to make my ultrasound...well until tomorrow! Hope you all had a great weekend!

Hearing Double???

I went to the doc on friday...for a regular prenatal exam. I am excited because this is the one where we schedule my ultrasound!!! So we talk...about my 8 lb. weight gain!!! Yep in just FOUR WEEKS. Girl been eating GOOD! OR not...perspective I guess...any way we get to the listening of the heartbeat...and to both our surprise it is LOUD AS MINE!! I'm lookin at her and she's looking at me...I'm thinking..."wow this baby is not shy at all...its like right behing my skin!!" She said..."that's pretty loud huh?". Then she drops the biggest bomb ever on me! I'm going to schedule your ultrasound for next week, I think youre having TW...TW....TWINS!!! [insert open space here] She said...you were feeling movement at 8 weeks! Your tummy is a bit larger than normal, your weight gain IS EXCESSIVE...and I have a set of twins that I am about to deliver next month...and this sounds just like their simultaneous heartbeat. [insert mental picture of me slapping this big ass smile off her face]. She goes on to tell me how she is SO EXCITED!! And she is just grinning from ear to ear! Then the baby kicked...and it sounded SO LOUD! She's like...Wow! They're playing! hahaha So I am not going to freak until after my U/S...It cant be this week because I wont be here, but since she is putting a rush on it, it should be early next week. [EXHALE] Wow! My man sounded excited! My mom is excited. And sadly...I'm wondering will I be able to afford a tummy tuck. Cuz I know that twins are going to rip my shapely abdomen to shreds! Oh yeah...and all the thoughts of having THREE BABIES IN DIAPERS!!! Me!! Three kids!! in DIAPERS!!! bwahahahhahaa God DOES have a sense of humor! He wants me to go crazy early in life, I guess! Well until next week...

On my way...!!!

So I get a call on Monday evening...from my man. And he is exhausted. He cavalierly tells me..."Oh and by the way...I'm not coming back to Michigan...so I hope you are ready to live in Louisiana." Me: Excitement and terror. I dont know what to think. This has been a dream for so many years, and it WAS the plan. But now that its looming with a certain definateness... (is that a word?) :) I am worried. I slipped up and told my mom...and she went into full fledged guilt trip. What about me? blah blah and her new business? blah blah...and the levies? blah blah...and your FAMILY? BLAH BLAH. I totally understand how she feels tho. Its not like I left for college, I stayed here...I am 27...so I'm guessing she assumed I would always be here...but...fraid not. What am I to do? I feel bad...but at the same time...I have a family of my own now...and the impending SAHM status!!! Which I am totally looking forward to! I have to do whats best for our little unit, right? I mean there is no way in Sweet Heaven that I would stay just because she wants me to...but I feel the guilt just the same. I feel like somehow by leaving I am abandoning her. She needs me...without me...who would she put down to make herself feel better? Sigh. Who else will let her be her miserable self and still love her SO MUCH? Yeah...its good to know you will be missed. But I'm moving!!! So excited!!!

Do something different!!!

So I have been having a pity party for the last few days! I have invited people to join me...however noone has taken me up on my offer. Great friends...gotta love them! Any way...just cuz I didnt have anyone to uncelebrate with didnt mean I havent been pitiful all by myself...so I have been moping and being all sour around the house all day...and so my man invited me to a bbq at one of his friends house. He's all excited...saying we can play horseshoes and be on teams! And play poker, eat GOOD! (the most convincing argument), his wife is nice..."you'll like her" --made me angry!!! But I kept refusing! I said I didnt like her the last time I met her, I dont want to play stoopit horseshoes, and I jsut dont want to be around people...and do yall know what he did??? He yelled at me!! Like loud...He said "well you're walking around here all depressed, yet you are not trying to do a damn thing about it. Whats the point of complaining and making not ONE change in your life??? Do something different, anything... dammit or just make peace with the fucked up mood you're in!!!" Now normally ya girl would have cut into him. I wanted to tell him "you dont understand!" and many other whiney things to that effect...but truth is. He is right. The "reasons" that I complain about on a regular are things that I can change...as a matter of fact they are things that ONLY I can change...with the help of you know who...but all in all...I am not helpless nor am I powerless. So after I picked my lip up off the floor...I agreed to go the bbq. Ironically it was cancelled...but the first step was taken. I am glad. Then we babysat his niece yesterday...She is 5 and lots of energy. And I am always so tired so I really anticipated the worst...but it was so awesome!!! We laughed and told jokes and sang...and I gave her a bath...and that was so much fun! Kidz imaginations are the BEST! I never thought rubber duckies could be fun...but she had a blast! The little I know seemed like so much wisdom to her...she was totally fascinated by the fact that I knew (instinctively) how to empty the water out of the ducks! I felt so good. It was great...and I was exhausted at the end of the day, but that made for great sleep and a very busy but fulfilling morning. I woke up with a smile on my face for the first time in MONTHS! I mean I felt so dumb...cuz I was just smiling for no other reason besides me feeling good in my skin today! I mean...my tire went flat on my way here... I was late, I made a huge mistake at work, and things still happened, but its all good. I also got a bit of a promotion at work today...more responsiblity, more pay, more technically good stuff to put on my resume. I am as of the 30th the new accounts payable mangager--which sounds kinda cool. Training is going to be a b*tch tho...with preggo brain and all. But I'm sure I can handle it! Well hopefully I can parlay this good day into a good week, and then into a good month and into a good life! Hope all is well, everywhere! Love.

Whats in your purse?

After 6 months of carrying around a diaper bag and understanding the necessity of being prepared for almost anything at any time...I took a look at my own bag (purse)--The contents were hilarious
Cute Red Planner (for show mostly)
2 Notebooks filled with Random notes from observations that couldnt wait
Old checkstubs
A box of vitamins
5 inkpens
Change
Wallet
Money
Paper
Little book

Now this is not enough to see me through any situation except for great ideas! I realized that I dont have a grown persons purse...I have a bookbag camaflouged as a purse. I made a list of things that NEED to be in my purse. You never know when I may need to do a quick change or a touchup...or what if for some reason I am not able to go home and need to 'get done'. With my purse...aint happening. So here it is

Wallet
Money
Debit Card
Notebook
Pen
Planner
Deoderant
Toothbrush/paste/floss
Mirror
Mints/Gum
Lotion
Inspirational Little Book
Brush--Water Bottle
Pantyliners
Lip Stuff (Gloss, color, vaseline)

Can we think of anything else to put into my purse? That seems like an awful lot I feel so un-womanly not knowing what really to carry...sigh...but oh well...better now than 50 right?

Only one dinner...!

I am happy and proud to announce...that I, Wakeelah, for the last two days have only eaten one plate of dinner....And!! Yes, yall--there is an and...I did not eat anything afterwards (okay monday I had 3 boiled egg whites, but I thought that was good) I have never really written about my struggles with food, because quite honestly...its a bit weird. I eat when I feel any emotion. I find myself sometimes just standing in front of an open refrigerator....searching. For what? I dunno, my soul maybe...But since I decided that this lifestlye of denial and overcompensation with food was O-V-E-R!!! I feel a lot better. Now dont get me wrong--it is not easy. I have affirmations up everwhere in my house and car to remind me of WHY I am changing these unhealth-full habits. I have to trick myself into believing that treating my body well is a good thing...as obviously those are not current beliefs. I have to pretend to already have the body that I want...I am just working to carve it out of this bit of mass that I have accumulated. And you know what? That works. I swear I can see it underneath all this. I pray for help on this daily. I did a small workout in the PM yesterday...and that feels good as well. I am coming back into myself and it is a glorious thing to behold. I feel totally optimistic about this. I am a bit concerned as I have been here before...all fired up with change...and then BAM! Something happens...and I tailspin into a full blown binge, to be followed by a moment of peace, then infiltrated with guilt, shame, degredation and all types of other things...that hungry psychos go thru. But for some reason...I dont feel the same way this time. Something no matter how minute is different. Maybe because for the first time...I have not given myself a time limit. I dont care how long it takes--(well I wish it oculd happen in 2 weeks!) but I just want it done. And if it takes a year or more...then so be it. I will get there. One faithful day at a time.

Tracking Progress

Does anyone else ever read back over their old posts on their own blog? Or is it just me? Well I have noticed a pattern...I have all these 'things' that I want to accomplish, and I pray and I read, and I wish and I hope, and I research, and I bitch and moan...but what I seem to lack in this whole process is execution. BIG surprise huh? Well of course not really, but that is the only thing between me and everything that I "say" I want. I have dreams, but no goals. No plan to get things going. I want to get from here to there--with no blueprint...no way of determining progress, no personal measure of success. So I have decided that I will have to make mini goals that take me on to my bigger ones. I figure that if I can measure my progress...it will make it more likely that I will stick on the right path, and it will help me to remain accountable for my actions. I want sooo much. And my desire for so many things makes me feel overwhelmed somtimes wondering how will I accomplish them all. I pray for so much and though I know its nothing for God...I have a hard time navigating through all of my wishes to stay aligned with what I claim I want, so I since I have a goal board, and a treasure box...and I pray all the time, I'm going to assume that my prayers are on the way...I am going to "in the meantime" do what I can to assist in the process...as its become very obvious as of late...I am nothing in and of myslef. So here are my goals for this week. They are not very ambitious, but achieving them will mean a lot for me on my walk. I want to lose 2 lbs. I want to make four wall hangings for my sons room--which is coming together slowly but surely. That is it. I want to add like 10 more things (my mind is screaming "you can do more that that!)...but hey...I can be patient. I can take it slowly. I can build up to my dream. I can DO that!!! I will do that.