Round and Round

I have a startling realization. I have been dreaming of the same accomplishments for at least 4 years. During this transitional time in life, I am being led to get to the root of a lot of my issues. For the current moment that means purging and cleansing. I was going through some notebooks and realized that my goals are EXACTLY the same as they were FOUR years ago.

In my right mind...they are not so huge that they should have taken this long. Basically most of my entries were about how I wanted excellent health, healthy finances, lots of love, an active and satizfying social life, a beautiful appearance, warm and inviting home, real frienship, confidence, creative outlets, and entrepeneurship.

Each notebook was full of variations of this. Then sidenotes from God or my angels, or just the part of me that KNOWS that I can be, do and have anything that I set my mind to, would offer me encouragment, inspiration and LOVE..in the form of GO FOR IT!

Yet years later...here I am. More responsiblity, more emotional and mental weight...and the EXACT same goals. Why? I asked myself...and the answer came to me last night during a conversation with my neighbor.

There are a few 'things' necessary for success and accomplishments of anything. And those things make me have a physical reaction so strong that it became BLATANTLY apparent what the problem was.

The reasons were not not, as I previously assumed, that i wasnt good enough...or worthy of a happy life.
It is not because I did some ill ish in the past and this is payback.
Its not because I am just not smart, cute, confident, open...[insert any other self perceived flaw here]...


its simple...I dont plan to achieve my goals...I 'hope' to.

Hope is a sticky thing for me. I am a believer that if a dream is placed in your heart, then it truly is already yours. So why dont i have mine God?

The answer:

Because you dont intend to have it. Because if I did...I would plan for it. I would prepare my life for it. Thats what people do when they know that something is coming into their lives. Just like when I knew my children were on their way. There were preparations that were made. Thing to buy, think about , learn....but somehow that doesnt automatically translate into other areas of my life.

I want to lose weight! What is the plan? uh.... eat better, work out more...
That is NOT a plan. That is a vague and grossly underestimated phrase that describes the basic premise of what needs to be done. Thankfully, God gave me (and all of us) the ability of self awareness...so that while I know that is the basis, I also know that I have issues with portion sizes, binge emotional eating, and late night snacking. KNOWING this opens up the space for me to make a (sharp inhale)..PLAN!!

I want to be a WAHM! whats the plan? open my own business
That is not a plan, that it the solution, but the PLAN...needs to be specific, step by step INTENTIONS that measures your progress.

As smart as I think I am...this concept is like Swahili to me. I've heard of it. It may be nice to know...but I just cant get behind it! WTF?

I REALLY am my biggest sabateur... Now its like...what now?

PLAN to be your biggest motivator!
Plan to achieve what you see in your mind.
Noone else can imagine, work towards or achieve my goals for my life. Oh how I wish they could...

My name means responsible leader.... God help me to live up to my names sake. I do NOT want to read my journals in 2011, and still be wanting basic things, that are easily within my reach. I am too good for that! I know too much, our relationship it TOO tight, my resources are TOO abundant, I have TOO much potential to continue to play myself out like I am cheap AND on the clearance rack! Help me to love me enough to push through the irrelevant thoughts in my mind that tells me, "you cant do that!", "who do you think you are?", "thats unrealistic...for you"
"you'll never be on that level" "Why try? you will just fail and be embarrassed for even thinking you deserved to be happy" SHUT THEM THE FUCK UP!!!! I HATE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO ME!!!!

I must hate me, cuz they are me.

And then I go to other places, where the people seem genuinely happy and at ease in their lives. They have lives, that are true and authentic and unique to them and they are fed and renewed by their lives. And I LOVE them for showing me what it looks like, but I feel so much envy...because I just dont think I will ever be that way... I say I do... I act like I believe that (Hey! fake it til you make it right?) But...alas the truth remains the same... I dont believe that love is in store for me. I dont believe success is in store for me. I dont believe that there will ever be a time where I will be anywhere near at ease. I expect stress, hurt, and lack. And by the Laws invested in the Universe...that is what I receive. I know its not a coincidence... I believe in the Law. How do I change my beliefs? How do I go deep into my heart and change whats there? HOW (method wise) does one truly change from lack to abundnce consciousness.

I do affirmations. I pray, I meditate, I attempt forgiveness, I give, I encourage others to reach for the stars... but....

Fuuuuuuuckkkkk! Why cant i just snap the fuck out of this and get it TOGETHER??!!!!

Questions

Will it always hurt so bad?

Will I ever be able to look at you and not feel failure and rejection?

Will I ever smile, and be thankful about how things worked out?

Will you ever come and tell me that you love me? And I feel it?

Will I ever be able to stop telling myself "Its okay"....?

Does the pain ever lessen or will it continue to hide for weeks at a time, only to resurface at the strangest, most embarrassing moments?

Do you miss 'us' as much as I do?

Will my children blame me?

Will anyone ever be able to love me?

Can I stop crying now?

Why cant I just 'get over it' like you have?

Why does heartache feel so 'personal'...I know its not...but I feel that I am the only one who feels this way?

Why does the thought of being a part of your past...tear my heart to shreds?

Why am I still here? Its been MONTHS!!!

Whats real?

Life has slapped the shit out of me. THANK GOD its gone! I am currently facing many criseees at all once...but ya know what? I asked God to reveal Himself... and I guess at a time where you have two small children in the dead of winter, probable eviction, car died, job an hour away... 3 busses, -30 degrees.... and you simply wake up early and do whatcha gotta do. No stuttering or stalling. THATS WHATS REAL! I keep getting all these inspirational thoughts and wishes from people who are AMAZED that I catch the bus to work!! Keep my head up, they say. Uh....yeah! Where else am I gonna keep it? Keelah is a bit heavy on the drama sometimes....and thats just cuz I'm passionate about shit and drama being a part of life is no different... Sometimes it gets the best of my mind...but never me. I KNOW! I know that when times seem the toughtest, its not a time to fall (all the way) apart. (carefully ignoring my last post) Its time to get quiet...cuz BELIEVE there is a helluva lesson involved. Sometimes, I need to sit back and accept kind words, and thoughts from loved ones. sometimes I need to understand that I am not in this alone. Sometimes I need to learn that if it is to be...then its up to me. Depending on the situation...I adjust and act accordingly. I love connection, because I can 'feel' which way to lean...and let it do what it do. I am thankful that somehow arrangements are being met to keep our place. My car will be fixed soon, but for the time being, I get to meet some very nice and interesting people on the bus. God has sent me quite a few lovely souls to accompany me on my journies. I get to save money on gas, and just get in a few more steps to my day!! I get help from my family in keeping my kids and they get to spend quality time with grandma, who despite my feelings...is a great disciplinarian and teacher. My son actually respects time outs now. Whooda thunk it? Time out? WTH? I get to feel that accomplishment of doing what I need to BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY! I need that sometimes. And in this process, I relearned that productivity can be as good a feeling as relaxation. Still trying to integrate that one into practical living! My mind resists that notion something fierce! But the fact that I KNOW...THATS REAL!

And in the spirit of changes and changing... CONGRATS TO AMERICA! Happy Innauguration day, ALL! Its a great day to be free!