...Que Sara, Sara

I try to make him mine, but
...he is not for me

I try to taste his heat, his cool, his innocence
The bittersweet pain of the first loss, the first
to remind you of what knowing and trusting is 'like'
by revealing its counter part
Human vulnerabilities...
...Pulsating in the wonderment of expectancy.
Open and free!!
To be shattered, by inevitability-- of cycles.

There is one for harvesting and for sowing...

I try to make him mine
He is not for me...
He just reminded me, who I know myself to be.
Thank you.
One Love, All-ways
Wakeelah Islah Everfield

Ramdomly Speaking to (you)

Thanks.
You are right.
I will try.
no...I will DO!
I love you.
Where that will lead? Who knows?
Someone does...
Not me!
Yes I do! And I will.

But...Thanks again.

Your truth is a healing to my soul.
I dont like to disappoint you.
So I will try harder not to.
I havent felt this way about someone ever....
Either you like it or you dont...never really mattered much...

NOW...it does. hmm curious!

You in-spire me to want to be better. I want you to be PROUD of me.
I wish I wanted to change, so that I would be proud of myself...

But, in this case, you will suffice.
Change is change right? Or is it?

Either way. I appreciate the fact that you are a DIRECT answer to an un-uttered prayer. I didnt even know God could go that deeply into my heart. But the fact that YOU are HERE...proves that he can and did! And the response is...

Eternal Gratefullness. YOu make me dream of better, higher, more real, LOVE!!

Finally, I dont have to look at others to understand what it means to have someone truly in your corner. I feel you hear, and I desire so desperately to use that support.

Please bare with me, while I acclimate to your intruding presence. I am used to being alone, fending for myself.

Yes...intruding is the word that I meant to use. *smile*

Shhhh! I like you!

Know better, do better, BE BETTER!

Yah!

Love is Amazing!

If I were a boy....

Or at the very least if I didnt give a fuck....

Then I could:

• Care less about how people throw their opinions around about me.
• Live my life without cares or conerns about my childrens wherabouts and the such.
• Tell a bitch to SUCK MY DICK if they say something that I dont appreciate.
• Live my life without concern about the future, and how my present choices are shaping it.
• Be' okay' with the fact that some people dont want me to thrive. Even if they are my family.

But luckily for me and my boys...I do give a fuck! And I do care that my "loved ones" especially those closest to me blatantly dont want me to succeed in life. Well, if you asked, of COURSE they would say the contrary...however...your actions speak louder than your words. I wish you the best! But you have just removed yourself from the front row of my life.

I know that its hard right now...but it will be fine. I understand. And I know you do too. We just have to keep the faith, and continue to pray and be supportive.

I dont know how you can fit in right now. LIfe is so heavy. I'm unloading it as we speak...and I love your energy...but... sigh...timing is TERRIBLE!!!

FYI--I know who I am. I know my worth...so when you try and convince me otherwise, it sounds OH SO GREEK to me. It may hurt me...but not because I believe you, but because you have just changed before my eyes. You went from someone who I always thought I would love unconditonally, to someone who I have to handle with a long handled spoon. That ish hurts. But...so be it!

{sometimes i feel my sensitivity is a curse....}

But my sensitivity makes me more aware of the truth...and you know what is said about TRUTH!

Yeah...I believe that too! Thanks for that MAMA! You fuggin rock! You let me know... and I love you for it!

Pruning

Some things dont deserve to be in my life.
Some people dont deserve to be in my life.
Some thoughts dont deserve to be in my life.

So they wont!

Some things need to be changed, evolved, or released in love. IT IS DONE.

Sometimes you have to open your eyes, W-I-D-E, and see things for what they are. Nothing is ever as bad or as good as it seems. It is. Allow it. Thats the only WAY.

You cant deal with what you refuse to see. I get it!!!

I vow to remove all things that keep my sight at bay. I desire truth. I crave it like clean water and fresh air. It is necesssary. It is LIFE.

I'm so excited, because I am building my dream life right now. And I get to choose all the little details. How exciting!!! Its decorating...but a LIFE!!! MY LIFE!!!! How yummy!

I am thankful that I get to do what I love for a living, and for a hustle.
I am thankful that I found a way to gain extra income that allows me creative freedom and control over my destiny.
I am thankful that I have a wonderful place to live.
I am thankful that I have a reliable car to drive.
I am thankful for all of my possessions.
I am thankful that my children are the most AMAZING people I have ever met!!! They keep me humble, real and motivated!
I am thankful that I am intimately enjoying this new love affair I am having with TRUTH and him!

I love the newfound freedom that comes along with speaking it, demanding it, and practicing it...ALL THE TIME!

I love the challenge of being true to myself, when surrounded by those who benefit from me being the way I have always been. You remind me WHY I decided to make these changes. I dont care if you dont like it...or me for that matter. Keelah has things to do. And if you are not wit me...then you know what to do with those rocks over there right?

Do it!

Love. First and Always.

Proud to be an American!!!

Thank God for today! What is unfortunate is the 'vibe' that I am being met with. Damn shame. But oh well! Whaddya do? I dont understand what the big deal is...How can you treat a 'friend' so foul because you dont like what is going on politically? I am not going to let this change my spirit and hopefully it wont change the way I feel about certain people as a whole...but I have never in all my years, felt as awful as I feel. Good thing its a GREAT DAY to be an American! And I will allow the love for my country to lift me up during this time of readjustment! God Bless America!

Wifely Duties

I remember reading this article from a Popular Magazine from the 50's and it described what a good wife is/does. http://http://www.romanceopedia.com/E-TheGoodWife.html When I first came across this article, I was about 21 years old, and I was NOT feeling it at ALL! I mean, "who is this puritan?", I wondered. However at 28, I feel completely different. I noticed this change yesterday. When I scanned my room, before my man got home from his second job. I thought to myself..."What do I want the atmosphere that he comes home to to be like?" I was disconcerted by this thought process, because this is NOT like me. I want a cozy home, that is no secret...but I never wanted it for him, I wanted it for me. However creating an environment for my man after work was my focus yesterday. I made sure dinner was ready, home clean and welcoming and relaxing. The children were bathed and pj'd up! The beds were made. Dishes were washed. And I was cute! Which is not my normal mode for cleaning the house. But it is now. Being cute made cleaning even MORE FUN!!! [Is there anything that being cute doesn't enhance?] Now mind you, these are things that I try and do normally, but it was my motivation that was different. I realized yesterday that I want to be a 'wife'. Not just last name, piece of paper wife, but a wife in the most complete spiritual meaning of the word. I want to be a sorceress that creates an environment for my family that is soothing, stimulating, beautiful and functional. I want to do that. I want for my husband to acknowledge the work that I do for him. For our family. I want him to appreciate my presence in his life, not just as a partner, or the mother of his children, but as a WOMAN. A woman in the fullest sense of the word. A self-actualized, free woman. A beautiful bearer of life, woman. The one who creates a home, and makes it righteous. A matriarch. The TRUTH.

I am loving how my world is expanding. One day, I picture myself being this fiercly independent woman who doesnt need a man to validate her, and all this other B.S. that I told myself. Deep inside in the recesses of my heart, I know I still dont need that validation. But I do want it. I do desire to please my husband. I desire for him to benefit from the depths of my feminine wisdom. I desire that same things for my sons. I desire for them to look back at life with me and consider themselves blessed, as I do when I do what I do for them. I love being a servant for my family. Weird wording, but I do. I love the feeling of them feeling comfortable and taken care of. I am beginning to find satisfaction in 'catering' more than I would have imagined is possible. And this is just the beginning! How exciting right??!!??

I am Wakeelah Everfield, and I want to be the WORLD'S GREATEST WIFE AND MOTHER!! Hows that for a proclamation! (sp) Now that I have that off my chest...I can breathe easy. No more lying to myself. I dont want domestic partnership, I want marriage.

Good News!!!

I have been depressed for about 22 years now. I am 28 years old. At first I just ignored it, then when the load became too heavy, I stewed in it and allowed it to take over my mind. This affected my body and continued to suffocate my spirit. Then as I learned more about life, I began to try and understand it. Trying to understnad dysfuntion just fills your mind with more dysfunction. Finally I accepted it. I have a depressive personality, is what I chose to believe. I believed that for MOST of my life!!!

Then I realized that what lots of people said was true, I really do have a CHOICE in how I am in life! I started reading things that were along the lines of what I wanted to believe. I started to monitor myself, which has proven to make the BIGGEST impact in my life! I regularly checked in with my feelings, my thoughts, my intentions and tried my best not to judge myself too harshly for the things that I didnt like about myself. I journaled. I practice conscious eating. I try to refrain from complaining, and I am a CHRONIC complimenter. I seek beauty everywhere, and when I cant find it, I look up at the sky. That is one thing that is ALWAYS beautiful and AWE INSPIRING!!! I meditate daily, share my journey with a friend who is traveling the same path as I. I have distanced myself from the WOE IS ME' folk. And the results are AMAZING!!! (Unbeleivable, had I not known the darkness of depression first hand.)

Without much effort on the weightloss area of my life I have lost 17 lbs since May 1st. My relationship with my man is DRAMATICALLY IMPROVED, my self esteem is at the very least normal, but dare I say...soaring!!! I have more energy, less stress, more patience, less worry. My mood swings still happen, but the difference is, I'm not at their mercy. The moment I catch myself, I can CHOOSE differently!!! I can!!!

There is a crack in the foundation of whatever had me tied to my depression. I KNOW it is there. There is an opening of light, where there was one only cloudy darkeness. There is lightness where there was once heaviness. There is appreciation where there was once only negativity. There is hope where there was once only despair. I dont want to go on and on, but to live life from this perspective is so encouraging!!! I KNOW that one day soon, I will be completely free of this stuff, and all the stuff that it attracted as a result. I am MORE THAN WILLING TO LET THAT GARBAGE GO!! And the proof is evident in my life! There is something else along the ride of my life with me. And in that space, life is GOOD!

I didnt even notice the depression lifting until I blogged answers to questions and my answers were completely contrary to any belief I had before. I am comfortable with my 206 lb frame. I used to be in despair at 175. Haha youth! I am fine with myself, just the way I am. I'm really okay.

Thank you God. I have been faithful, and you have answered as you said you would. I promise to ALWAYS know you and never be brand new again. I promise to be all that I can at any given day, because you are. I will not go back to livng life as a leaf in the wind. I promise to be rooted in you. Your are my substance and my nourishment. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you. And thanks to you, I LOVE LOVE LOVE me too! okay. I'm so grateful! Amen!

What do your children think about how you treat YOU?

"Children do not treat themselves the way you tell them to treat themselves," "They treat themselves the way you treat yourself."

This was such a powerfull thing to read in the AM. I believe this to be so true. I am a wonderer by nature. I enjoy 'enjoying' things, but you could not tell by my life. I sacrifice my enjoyment and pleasure all the time for things that 'someone' deems more important. I say someone, because I am SURE it is not in my nature to deny mySELF. Monica asked what was the first thing you let go of as gas prices rise and economic conditions change, and my answer was personal luxuries. WTF??? Seriously??
When I think about it, it makes absolutely NO SENSE at all. But this is how I operate. So I thought of where I could have gotten such a message and I have concluded, that it is another giftfrom mom. I am not blaming her. I know she did what she felt she had to. And unlike me, she was a single parent with two children, so there were probably times where she had no choice but to sacrifice certain elements of life, in order for us to have. but I am learning at a fast rate that that choice depletes your reserves and barely leaves you with enough to sustain a positive energy, never mind an ABUNDANT AND JOYFUL one. And besides, I am NOT my mom. I dont have to live everything I was introduced to growing up hook, line and sinker! And the last thing I want to do is inspire my children to put themselves last. I want my children to love, respect, value and honor themselves. An attitude like this will produce love and reverence for all of life and all the things in it! So that everyone they encounter will have to be as in love with life as they are, or they will not sustain in their presence. Is that a tall order? WE will see. I'm on it! ;)

How FULL is your life?

This is a question that I am being forced to ponder. I have a pretty full life. I am a woman, a black woman at that. I have a black man. I have two young sons. I work full time. I have housework, grocery duty and the task of being the best me that I can be, so that I can lead my world by example. That sounds pretty daunting to me. Why? Because my world is already small, and all the 'hats' that I have to wear makes it feel even more constricted. I have NO SPACE for myself half the time. When I do decide to 'accept' time for myself, I feel a tinge of guilt. I feel guilty because I work full time and then have the AUDACITY to need time alone. Having a family hasn't changed who I am very much though. I still need time to be alone. With God. With my thoughts, with my soul. I find it hard to feel my own energy when I'm around other people. Always have, so I seek that time. I NEED it!

Anyway, I have been communing a lot lately, about my life. The quality of it and how I would like to change. And the answer I received was GIVE OF YOURSELF. I laughed this off. I dont feel I have much to give. I mean, I give all that I have to my job and family. And occasionally, I give to me, but not very often. The message was repeated and I still played like I didnt understand. So God sent me an angel to explain what it means to give of yourself. I met a guy today who runs a soup kitchen in Detroit. We talked endlessly about the human condition, and about what small things we are so ungrateful for on a daily basis. I thought of how often I appreciate the 'little things' in life and thought smugly to myself, "Thats not me!". But when I thought about it, yes it is! I am stingy. I am stingy with my love, attention, affection and time. The person most affected? Not just my children, my man, my family...but MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I cheat everything and everyone in my life, by not filling my days with what fills my soul. I complain (to myself and God) about the things I dont have, accomplishments I have yet to achieve, personal demons that I need to overcome, but I hardly ever sit in thankfullness for all of the things that I do have. And to actually help those with less than I have, is such a novel idea, but one that I have yet to act upon.

I had to sit down and really re-evaluate what is REALLY important to me. I thought it was having a healthy, happy family. Being a successful business owner. Having a fab home, friends, social calendar. But none of that is as important as being a complete individual (if that makes sense). And I dont really believe that is somethign you can 'think' about for too long, as I have been. Either you act on your inner impulses, or you dont. When you do live from that space, I suspect life is good. When you spend your life thinking about it...not so much. The feeling of not sharing your soul is pain. It comes in many forms: frustration, depression, low self-esteem, poor boundaries, disconnected feeling, but all in all, PAIN sums it up. I am ready to enlarge my territory. It has not served me well to keep my self so closed off from this world.

I am human, after all! Happy Friday!!

Satizfaction Guaranteed

I was going to get some KFC Hot wings for lunch. Even after I complained about my weight plateau, even after I searched the web and found out that only 6 wings are a WHOPPING 450 calories.

Well my office manager asked me where I was going for lunch...I was embarrassed as I admitted the truth. Needless to say, that feeling stopped me in my tracks. I reluctantly followed her into the cafeteria in our building...and very painstakingly bought a veggie spinach salad and a water. As I ate, I felt a strong urge to crunch on my wings, but my body had a different reaction. She is ELATED! My body literally began to REJOICE more and more with every bite! If I was not paying attention, I could have easily missed it. I am so HAPPY! Good food=good feelings. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that truth!

Those wings would have been soooo good, but the feeling would have been very short lasting and would have definately led to guilt afterwards. Dodged that bullet! :)

Go me!

Another 4 bites the dust!!!

I am so excited to report, that despite my best efforts at complaining about all the things I do wrong, as far as health and fitness...something must be right...because another 4 lbs--GONE FOREVER!!! I know that if I really put in a full effort, then it could be so much more dramatic, but I'm aiming at longevity here, not just quick pat-on-the-head results!!! I feel very good about this. I am schduling a spa day for me when I make the 24 lb. mark. I know its an odd number, but its a personal milestone for me...and I can't wait to celebrate it! Be well everyone!

No more weighting!

I have been making small changes every week to reach my weight loss goals. So far, since adding a 30 minute walk and adding more water to my regimine, I have only lost 3 lbs. Which is good! Don't get me wrong, however I have been the same weight now for 2 weeks, and I know I have been indulging in chocolate EVERY DAY, so that of course is one thing that is going to have to cease. I know I have not plateaued, I must just be consuming waaay to many calories. So I decided to check and see how many calories it would take to maintain my current weight, and how many it would take to maintain my goal weight...and I am SHOCKED! In order to maintain my current weight, I need well over 3000 calories per day. YES! You read correctly...THREE T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D calories per D-A-Y! It is hard for me to believe, but I guess it could be. If I actually did the food journal thing, I'm sure I would see that to be true. When you dont KNOW...and guesstimate, you can be really off. I entered my goal weight and found that it would take 2743 calories for me to maintain that. That is so high! It sounds so doable! I hate having to chart and measure and calculate, but it is necessary for me to make it to the next step in my evolution. Just like in my closet and my finances, I have to take inventory and make a plan to get from point A to point B. I am so grateful for this, because it has definately opened my eyes. I dont have to end my life, I just have to alter it to fit into my hightest ideal. And I have a bit of leeway to do it. I mean, I was thinking I needed to do 1800 calories and I get a thousand more than that! I mean....WOW! This sounds too good to be true. But I'm going to try it out. I am going to eat 2700 calories per day this week. That is the only change I am going to make. I will not be all crazy about the type of calories at this point. I am just going to limit my caloric intake to be closer to that of my dream weight and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Last week my goal was to: Walk the building I work in...(which is three floors), for my entire lunch break. The rules were simple. I had to keep a regular pace and RUN the stairs. I was not allowed to stop until I was done.

The results: I walked 4 out of five days. The other day, I had to go do some shopping on my break.
~Day one: I only did the entire building two and half times. Every day thereafter, I did the building 4 1/2 times.
~I felt better and more energized ALL DAY LONG!
~Lesson learned: Discipline, Stick-to-itiveness!, My Body NEEDS physical activity THROUGHOUT day.

Goal for this week--Stick to at 2700 calories per day! This should be interesing!

Stats-2.36% of my body weight gone! 26% left to go!

Talking White

I don't even want to go here, because this issue has been dragged all up and through the dirt so many times in so many venues, however my life begs me to consider it. Yesterday my mom called my job, and my friend said she sounded white...when I later brought this up to my mom, because it was funny to me. She got this really white "thing" in her voice and I could tell that she beamed with pride. Pride???? She went on to tell me how many people over the years have mistaken her for a white woman over the phone, and she said it like this was a good thing. Um...first of all I'm just gone say it. I believe there is a thing called talking "white" and its not necessariy talking in proper english, but there is a definite "difference" between the way that a white person speaks and the way black people speak. I dont believe that one is better than the other, but there are differences in dialect that are obvious. Please dont ask, What is talking white, because we all know what that is.

Now, I have a regular voice and a professional voice, but NEVER is it my goal to sound anything other than what I am, and never would I take pride in someone telling me so. I speak how I speak...mostly correctly, sometimes not. Always real...always me. It really hurt me to have that conversation with my mom last night, because when I offered my opinion that someone making a big deal over your dialect sounding white, is not a compliment, IMO...she FLAT OUT said it was. And argued me down about it, until I realized...this is not my battle. Its just a difference in our P.O.V. Again, I had to be faced with a few life facts:

1) I am not my mother, and thats okay.
2) We dont always have to agree.
3) I get a certain pleasure for opposing her views.
4) Usually cuz her views are just plain WRONG! LOL

My man was in the background talking about how somewhere along the way, she must've gotten a pat on the head so to speak for being able to assimilate into the culture that she found herself in (work)...and now she believes that is good. This is insane!!! The conversation was so long, and so heated that it cant all go here, but what do you think? Is it a compliment for someone to marvel at the fact that you sound um...white?

Growing up

My son cant drink soda...but occassionally I do.
My son cant eat lots of sweets, but I do.
My son cannot eat just because he sees food, but I do.
My son must rest during the day and be physically active during the day to maintain his health...but I dont.
There are times when I am gorging on things not-so-good for me and my man asks me why I am eating it in front of him (knowing he will want some)...and I answer just because he sees me eating it doesnt mean he is getting some. I'm grown! And that is true. I will tempt him with the devil then deny him. It just occurred to me how twisted this is. He is watching me "indulge" in something that I am obviously enjoying, yet not allowing him to enjoy with me. If I wont let his little body be tainted by the poisons that is gas station fare...then why do I allow the same for his mother? What kind of message is that sending him? What is he learning from me? Right now....just that I'm mean. But later on, he is going to recognize that I am not treating myself very well, yet I expect for him to treat himself well. He will immediately notice the disparity between my words and actions. I dont want my son to think I am fake. So now...I have the motivation to do what needs to be done. I cannot live one way and preach another. It wasnt good enough for me as a child, and it is not going to be good enough for my children. The cycle must end NOW. Its not fair for children to grow up and have to interpret whats real. Not at home. So this is my official resignation of being unconscious with the treatment of myself. Noone knows what I want or need but me. But there are two people watching my every move, learning how to treat me and themselves and if I cant do it for me...then is IS DONE for them! No BULLSHITTING.

Truest Trust

Is the trust for self. This is the lesson that my Self is trying to teach me right now. I am definately fighting the message, but it is being reiterated to me almost every day. I have so many goals, that I have not achieved. Not because they were too big for me, or because I didnt plan them out properly, but because I didnt follow through on the "execution". That is a BIG problem in my life. I can make the WORLDS GREATEST PLANS", but when it comes time to do the actual what I perceive as grunt work, goals tend to fall gracefully to the wayside. And one more failure is added to the list.

Up until now, they have sat there at my feet. Beckonning for my attention, but I just step over them (just like I did the mail that day that I got went off on by my S.O.) But regressing...I think about my dreams and goals almost every minute, because once desire for something is truly in your heart...you can deny it all you want, but it will remain there until it comes into manifestation, or until you can truly let it go. In my case, it has been neither. So I finally asked myself...why dont I believe in myself and my ability to "have" what I want? Because after asking the initial hundred questions...that is what it all boils down to.

And the answer that came from a place beyond me responded...because you do not trust yourself. Now that sounds strange to me...how can one not trust themselves?...and then I just sat with that question and my day played itself out for me...from a very untrusting perspective. I learned a lot.

The biggest procratstination has been on my heatlh and fitness goals. I used to believe it to be possible to change...but then somewhere along my ascension through obesity...I stopped believing. All of a sudden, the possiblity of change was no longer real for me. Even though there is always a quiet voice that encourages me to believe otherwise. Yesterday while I sat alone with my thoughts...I felt challenged to do 15 girl push-ups! I thought it impossible. My body is still very weak from giving birth...I knew I couldnt do it. I thought...I can build up to it. The voice told me...that I could do it NOW! And this is just a small example of how my mind deflects itself from the truth in order for me to think I'm "right". So I made up a few more reasons not to even try. But at the end of them all...none were good enough, I mean I was already on the floor, for Gods sake!! So I aligned myself shakily on my wrists, which I was sure would crumble under the weight of my hefty-ish upper half...and do you know what??? I did TWENTY of those bad boys--NO PROBLEM! (slowly and with proper form, might I add?) Pat! Pat! Even when I wanted to stop...which I did...I just remembered that SOMEONE someWHERE thought I could do it...so If I trusted in that...I probably could. And I did!!! So that voice...is the truth. And it would behoove me to pay attention to it. It tells me all kinds of things I am afraid to accept as truth, but that would enrich my life like nothing else. LIke I am beautiful, capable, loved, important, by design, and on the right path. Yeah...I'm good people! You are too! Hope we are having a great Monday!

How do I know its time for a makeover?

...Well not just because I havent switched up my style in FOREVER!! Not just because I have no real discernable personal "style" at all...not just because the call for a more personalized "me" is calling from the depths of my soul, but because of two occurences that happened less than 12 hours apart.


Setting: Last night on the couch with my man.

Me: I am so lazy, I dont feel like washing anything...so I am going to wear "the" skirt tomorrow. (few minutes elapses and I feel anxiety)

Me: I can't believe I am going to wear a skirt tomorrow.

Nard: You should wear more skirts, you look very good in them. Besides, whats the big deal...you ARE a girl. (he says this as IF I dont know *sigh*) But come to think of it...you dont do ANYTHING that girls do. Dress up...comb your hair!

Me: Sticking tongue out! But definately taking it in. He notices. How would he not?...but he SAID something. *Sigh*

Fast forward to today...My office manager is walking toward me...she excitedly exclaims with MUCHO ENTHUSIASM!!! "Oh that is SO COOL what you've done with your hair!!!"

Me: Copnfused look, because all I did was make my puff a bit higher today. (yes I was rushing again)

Her (upon closer examination-with slight disappointment): "Oh thats just the ribbon in your hair"...then she adds hopefully, "I thought you had burgundy highlights".

Me: Okay, Okay I get it!!!! I NEED a change. SIGH!

So..I'm more GHETTO than I knew!

I was blog-browsing today and came across a young ladies blog who had a list of common words that 'some people' read: ghetto, use that are pet peeves for her. And the first one on the list was hurted. Now mind you...when I saw that, my face scrunched up in a peculiar way..."What is wrong with that?", I wondered. Hurted is a word. Now I agreed with her on ChicaRgo...and ax instead of ask...but for the life of me I honestly believed that hurted was an acceptable word. I have used it for TWENTY EIGHT YEARS!!! If I smash my hand..."OUCH! THAT HURTED!" Or if describing some unspeakable pain in the past tense...I would be quick to say how much it hurted at the time. So tell me...how is it that I have come this far...without ANYONE ever pulling me to the side and letting me know that the past tense of hurt IS HURT??? I called my mom...EVEN SHE KNEW! So I cant even blame this one on her. I mean I had to check several online dictionaries, before my mind would even begin to accept that I could have been walking around, just WRONG for all these years. I did find it in one though, the URBAN DICTIONARY!!! Hahaha so while I am aware that I have a few ghetto tendencies...I had no idea that it was so deeply ingrained beyond my conscious awareness. I mean I know that when I 'occasionally' take a gallon of milk to the head...that I'm ghetto. But this one straight blindsided me! Like for real...I was in shock, then denial, then anger, then guilt...now acceptance. What the hayle??? That one hurted! (SEE that made so much sense to me) Digressing...That one Hurt. Know better...do better! Right? :D

Why every time I take a STAND...

I wind up feeling bad about it. I have a "friend" that has been making comments throuought my pregnancy...that were just not right. I have written about a few...first she admitted having some 'feelings' about me being pregnant...and then various little things ever so often...that I tried to justify away. Why? I dont know. I cant imagine that anyone would say mean things on purpose...or without having a really good reason. Yeah...sounds like bull shit to me too. However the last thing that this "friend" has done was so uncalled for...and even tho I want to pretend it didnt happen...it did. I got up to tell her and the other lady that works here that I was going to the bathroom...and she growled, "Quit whining!". Now I gotta pee...so I kept going...but when I came back...I let her konw that my complaining would be done approximately the first of the year! Now my whole thing was...she assumed that I was going to be complaining first of all...and second that she had the AUDACITY to say that! Out loud! The other lady, we'll call her Mary...cuz thats her name (lol) said...Quit complaining?? Youre not pregnant!! But the killing part was...I wasnt complaining! I was trying to look out for you. Needless to say...I am not feeling her anymore. I dont really want to talk, or be friendly because you are not FOR ME...and I know that now. Mind you, she apologized...but still. Now she has been trying to be friendly...but I just cant. I have had to overlook too many things with her...and I'm just tired of trying to justify other peoples actions. I need to recognize...that there is not always some understandable reason behind someones actions...and if there is...its not MY job to find it. I cant go around getting my feelings hurt, just because you have something to get off your chest.

I am NOT my family!

Why oh WHY is this concept so DIFFICULT for me to really accept??? My family is great (in their own little way). I mean...who doesnt have things about their family that they wish were different? But you grow up...try to learn to stop blaming them...accept responsiblity for your own life...and blah blah blah. But I had a reveleation in the shower. I still live a LOT, and when I say lot,I mean LOT!!!! of my life based on what I THINK my role was or is in my family. Its the weirdest thing ever...Some things that I remember coming natural to me...FEEL so foreign now, because after years of ridicule (that apparently I havent released) I am almost ashamed to let parts of myself BE FREE! I thought my mom was in the shower with me...saying I was taking too long because I was shaving my legs and using my loofah...and adding my Oil of Olay body lotion. I heard her voice...saying "Why are you doing all that?" and "You are taking too long...Don't nobody care about all that".

But I do.

I almost hurried myself up...until I realized, Thank GOD!, I was in the shower alone...and that voice was just a ghost of my PAST! It was the craziest thing ever...because...it was then that it REALLY HIT MY AZZ IN A POTENT WAY! I am NOT my family. Never have been...I like aromatherapy, yoga, energy work. I own more books than movies...and I prefer it like that. I shave hairy things...I bathe for the hell of it! I used to spend hours "experimenting" with my hair. Yep! Just to pull it back in a ponytail the next day, but...Hey!? I can also stare at myself in the mirror for HOURS...you never know when you may need a certain "look". I set moods in my room...JUST FOR ME! I practice putting on my clothes sexily...haha shhhh dont tell nobody! BTW NO that ISH does NOT work being 8 months pregnant! Almost broke my damn neck this morning! :) But all in all, the point is...that I am NOT necessarily doomed to live out the character that I grew up playing. I can be ME! ALL DAY LONG! :D

Peace or Denial

Its hard for me to tell when I experience peace. In my imagination, I picture peace to be this overwhelming calm that completely permates my entire existence. One that is unmistakable...but my more rational self (who is now visiting) says...that may not be a complete truth at all. Maybe peace is much more subtle. Maybe peace is being okay with the way things are. See I have a lot of things on my mind. My family, my children, my relationship, my finances, my life, my "calling", my home, my future...Yeah...ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME! But as of late...tho I can complain...I just try not to...or to look on the brighter side of things.

My family...is my family ALL DAY LONG! We are dysfunctional. Delusional. Selfish. And out of touch with reality...but this is the way it has always been. I want to help...but if I cant...then I have to preserve my sanity. Hi and Bye! Its okay. I still love us!

My children...are my WORLD. I think of them all day. I want to be my best self...for them, even more than for myself. Because I know that a balanced mother will be more apt to raise balanced children.

My relationship...NOT what I think I should want right now...but...it is just the same the relationship that I choose to be in. It is a daily choice...and a very constant and conscious one. I understand that in this time...I would choose close proximity...but that is not what I'm getting...I am not in a relationship with myself or a yes man. He has his own ideas...and currently they are not bending to fit what I want them to be. This is as it is. I.do.not.agree. That too is okay. I still love you.

My finances...I do not have as much money as I would like. But I still pay my bills and get all of what I need...and most of what I want. So...:)

My body! My BEAUTY-FULL very full figgered body! I am loving my body so much lately. I think the hormones are doing something skrewy to my brain...because I am obsessed with my body lately. Maybe instead of dogging it for not being what I thing it should be...I can actually appreciate all of the things that it IS to me! I am thankfull for it. Even my brand new stretch marks make me smile. (as i ferocioulsy slather them with cocoa butter)

My life...is pretty sweet! I still want things...and new levels of growth...but...its like...fuck a want right now. Cuz right now...this is what I have...and...It feels pretty good.