How FULL is your life?

This is a question that I am being forced to ponder. I have a pretty full life. I am a woman, a black woman at that. I have a black man. I have two young sons. I work full time. I have housework, grocery duty and the task of being the best me that I can be, so that I can lead my world by example. That sounds pretty daunting to me. Why? Because my world is already small, and all the 'hats' that I have to wear makes it feel even more constricted. I have NO SPACE for myself half the time. When I do decide to 'accept' time for myself, I feel a tinge of guilt. I feel guilty because I work full time and then have the AUDACITY to need time alone. Having a family hasn't changed who I am very much though. I still need time to be alone. With God. With my thoughts, with my soul. I find it hard to feel my own energy when I'm around other people. Always have, so I seek that time. I NEED it!

Anyway, I have been communing a lot lately, about my life. The quality of it and how I would like to change. And the answer I received was GIVE OF YOURSELF. I laughed this off. I dont feel I have much to give. I mean, I give all that I have to my job and family. And occasionally, I give to me, but not very often. The message was repeated and I still played like I didnt understand. So God sent me an angel to explain what it means to give of yourself. I met a guy today who runs a soup kitchen in Detroit. We talked endlessly about the human condition, and about what small things we are so ungrateful for on a daily basis. I thought of how often I appreciate the 'little things' in life and thought smugly to myself, "Thats not me!". But when I thought about it, yes it is! I am stingy. I am stingy with my love, attention, affection and time. The person most affected? Not just my children, my man, my family...but MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I cheat everything and everyone in my life, by not filling my days with what fills my soul. I complain (to myself and God) about the things I dont have, accomplishments I have yet to achieve, personal demons that I need to overcome, but I hardly ever sit in thankfullness for all of the things that I do have. And to actually help those with less than I have, is such a novel idea, but one that I have yet to act upon.

I had to sit down and really re-evaluate what is REALLY important to me. I thought it was having a healthy, happy family. Being a successful business owner. Having a fab home, friends, social calendar. But none of that is as important as being a complete individual (if that makes sense). And I dont really believe that is somethign you can 'think' about for too long, as I have been. Either you act on your inner impulses, or you dont. When you do live from that space, I suspect life is good. When you spend your life thinking about it...not so much. The feeling of not sharing your soul is pain. It comes in many forms: frustration, depression, low self-esteem, poor boundaries, disconnected feeling, but all in all, PAIN sums it up. I am ready to enlarge my territory. It has not served me well to keep my self so closed off from this world.

I am human, after all! Happy Friday!!

What the fuck???

A client just called and said that the estimators price quoted and the workers prices aren't 'jiving'. I love that! My soul is truly with the 70's. I told a friend what was said and how much I loved it..conversation went like this:

MsKeelah: he said that the estimator and the workers figures dont seem to be jiving for ml
My friend: hahah
My friend: flash back from the 70s
MsKeelah: RIGHT
MsKeelah: my FAV decade
My friend: you would have done well in the 70s
My friend: your fro could have been truly appreciated
MsKeelah: its appreciated now
MsKeelah: haha
MsKeelah: well i guess everyone doesnt..

Okay I.AM.PISSED!!! What the fuck do you mean truly appreciated? What the fuck are you saying? Oh I know damn well what she is saying, but how fucking DARE YOU!!!????

I swear, If I didnt have the DREAMGIRLS soundtrack going at my 'puter...this could have gotten ugly.

As you can see, my fast is done. For the record, I did the entire 10 days, easy. My mind was right for a hot second. I lost 18 lbs, skin cleard, energy soared, felt closer to God and all that jazz. I didnt post much about it, because it was sort of a private thing I did to cleanse and renew. I actually did this to strengthen my connection to God. Mission Accomplished. But I swear, the minute I ate meat...my peace escaped me. lol

Back to this chick...HOW FUCKING DARE SHE? Sigh...but how can I expect her to have known how that would make me feel. She just doesnt GET IT!!! And I'm not in the mood to teach hairstory right now. That is all.

Release now...
Peace yall!