28 December, 2009

Blahxmas-fuckitallhate this life-blah, chunk, blah!!!

I do all the right things.
I speak affirmatively.
I dont let little things get me down.
I give whenever someone is in need and I can help.
I speak life over situations.
When someone approaches me in a foul mood, I do what I can to dissemenate it.
I pray and meditate daily.
I do my best at forgiving myself and all others (not the easiest)
I dream BIG!!!
I try.

I try and fake it til I make it... Hoping that one day...I will make it.

I hope today is the day, I hope today is the day...

Alas, today is NOT that day. I am SO THANKFUL that my children are healthy, strong, intelligent and loving!! I am so thankful that they enjoyed their holiday and their family IMMENSELY! I am glad that they didnt seem to notice the death that has become mommy, that envelopes me this time of year all the time.

I am glad they did not see me cry this time. Besides, tears do dry on their own. But who do I become to accomdate all these tears?

A bigger better FAKER version of my former self. I'm tired. And 'trying' at life, is making me even more tired.

I try at love. I try at happiness. I try. And for a moment, I get improvement. Makes me feel like I really CAN do this. Then... in a split second... I return to me. And here I am.

But in true fashion...I shall smile and generate my 'happy' persona so that noone will know my agony. Life is just GRAND!!

Wakeelah I. Everfield

18 November, 2009

Update

I just got a call. The new tenant that has brought all of the drama, is being evicted TODAY! Nice and easy solution to the problem. Does it help me feel more safe? We'll see...

Still perusing housing ads.
I havent blogged. I havent had much to say. I have had some good days, I have had some bad days. Lately... My mood has been better, but my life has been worse. Go figure!

Long story short...the wonderful, beautiful, affordable place close to my job that was my absolute DREAM for a start over for my boys and I is a BUST! Its all of the above still...but VERY UNSAFE. Now...on a non-existent budget, I have to move us again. Sigh*

I was hoping to not move in the winter anymore...but too many thugs, too many crackbitches, too many police incidents, too many jokahs trying to 'get wit me' and 'kick.it.with.my children' to get close to me....TOO MUCH!

Too many lost keys, too many 'strange' occurences...I really think someone was IN OUR SPACE yesterday. IN MY SPACE!!! I hurt. I havent slept well in about 2 months, I am running on the bare minimum...and I dont know what to do. Only thing I know for sure, is that we must move, and we must do so soon.

If anyone still visits, please assist me in affirming our new beautiful, affordable, centrally located, safe and FABULOUS new place!! I do believe there is power in numbers!

I feel gloomy, and down...thats not my intent.

My children and I have a wonderful relationship. This motherhood thing is quite nice!
My familly and I are gelling better...still must call my cousin. Sigh* I love you girl!
My childrens father and I relationship is EXCELLENT! I think we should write a book on how to avoid baby mama/daddy drama. Chapter 1: Dont EVER refer to each other as baby daddy and mama. (digressing)
My new friend and I are both making moves seperately and together and its wonderful. I enjoy him much! His soul was sent here to soothe me. He does it well! ;) Aye papi!
Eating habits are changing... lost a few lbs.
Oh yeah...I have a job!

Good things are happening, but when your safety and piece of mind feels threatened...it kinda overshadows everything else. I try and think of my business, my social life, my APPEARANCE, my LIFE!!! but when I start to think on these things, I have to snap my ass right back to reality. Chick...you are not SAFE!! It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that your children are safe...So...here we go again.... I know the next place will work out, and be better than this one, because at this point in life, I can only make lateral moves...but geez!!! Welp! Here we go!

Have a fab day!

03 August, 2009

Good Life

We moved. We love. We left some things behind. And we are eagerly anticipating moving forward with clarity, strength, spiritual honesty and LIFE!!! My family is in such a better place...because mommy finally had the faith and motivation to make the 'tough' decisions. I am so proud of myself for finally standing up for what is right and just. I am proud of myself to pray with all that I am to release my past and step BOLDLY into the NOW! I am so proud and excited to live the life that I often times dreamed, but never dared reach for. Each day is a new day...and no matter what, I will find a reason to smile and be grateful in EACH AND EVERY ONE! There are too many little things to be thankful for... so I will just extend the most sincere and complete THANK YOU GOD...that I have ever uttered. Because only you know what this truly means . I thank you in advance for your plans for my life. Cuz I know they are the ish! I look forward to living for you for the rest of my life. I cant serve two masters...and self - serving did NOT work out very well for me. Thank you for clarity. Thank you for connection. Thank you for love and support. Thank you for miracles. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my life. Thank you for me being me! I SO ROCK!!!! You do too!

22 July, 2009

Faith feels good...

So I will continue to be faithful. New house, new car, new streams of income, new levels of accuracy in living. On the mark! No sin....BULLSEYE!!!

Yeah...I love the precision of living truthfully from my heart. I love the feeling of being calm and effective in the world.

I love hearing my mind trying to figure out how a and b are going to happen. I love seeing them happen... despite the questions.

I love knowing that you were sent here for a short but nice season. :) Thank you for everything!

I love knowing that when you tell me I cant, that means that YOU cant. I, my dear, MOST DEFINATELY WILL! Just watch. Not proving anything to you. Just letting myself spread out a bit. Own this space that I'm in. Reaching for the proverbial stars and finding myself on the outer edges of this universe. Cuz honestly...I'm much too much to be contained...by your words, assumptions and perceptions of me. I am like my father. I am that I am too! And you are the same! Lets own it together. Lets not fight about it anymore, K?

I love knowing that the picture in my mind, is being created RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT!! I can SEE and FEEL it coming into my existence. I see and feel it!!! Amen! Coming back to live feels so good. {Damn! How long was I out? }

The dead pieces are falling away. Being healed by His radiant light. I feel worthy of the blessing. I asked for it. I called it forth...and now...I ACCEPT!

Be thankful for this moment, for this moment is your life! I love that! Yes!

28 June, 2009

:)

By Sharing His Spirit...

He connected worlds!!!

I will always love you Mike Jackson! I admire the strength of who you are. You did it! You did good! We appreciate all that you shared with us. And we are thankful that you left so much of yourself here. you have touched so many souls...generations!! MY BOYS ADORE YOU! Especially Jeremiah. I am so thankful to have been alive to experience your presence. You are an inspiration, even more so now that you died for it. You prove to me that greatness, and its lasting effects is always worth the cost! All-ways. Thank you. See ya on the other side...

Me

25 June, 2009

...Que Sara, Sara

I try to make him mine, but
...he is not for me

I try to taste his heat, his cool, his innocence
The bittersweet pain of the first loss, the first
to remind you of what knowing and trusting is 'like'
by revealing its counter part
Human vulnerabilities...
...Pulsating in the wonderment of expectancy.
Open and free!!
To be shattered, by inevitability-- of cycles.

There is one for harvesting and for sowing...

I try to make him mine
He is not for me...
He just reminded me, who I know myself to be.
Thank you.
One Love, All-ways
Wakeelah Islah Everfield

Do I want too much?

When the vision that you hold for your life and your actual life dont add up...

Is it the vision that is faulty or it me??

I dont like to complain, but that is all I seem to be able to do lately. I dont know what else to do. I REALLY dont! Its like... I want to be who I KNOW myself to be...but then my life gets in the way...and I remain who I've always been. Two days late and many $$$'s short!

I understand certain things pretty easily. My choices, my life...but when I try to make good of some of the choices that I made...its not so easy to pivot.

Due to not thinking of the future, I have created a present that is really putting the squeeze on my spirit. I am cognizant enough to recognize this, but not resourceful enough to get OUT of it.

This too, shall pass. I know that. I truly do! But knowing does not seem to be the key out of it. What am I missing?

No, seriously. If you know...please help. I try... I dont fail, perse, just dont seem to advance much either.

I am a good person. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great mom. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great receptionist. I know that. I dont work much at it. I just like customer service.
But as far as life goes...I'm just not so good at it. I see other people...and I KNOW that they are no different than me...but damn it if it doesnt seem like favor is just missing me lately.

I am breaking thangs, and losing thangs, I lost my cell phone again the other day. I dont wanna live this way no...In the back of my mind I hear (india arie) saying...Slow down baby, youre going too fast. You got yo hands in the air, with your feet on the gas. Youre bouta wreck your future, running from your past. You need to slow down baby.

Hmmm...that song is always playing in my mind now....but If I slow down any furthur...that will be a comatose state. I am at a standstill. Terrified on how to proceed. Afraid of making similar mistakes that I've made in my past. Afraid that If I fail again, its my boys that I am affecting. My failure doesnt hurt me so much anymore. It does, but only because I dont want to let down my boys. They are the best part of waking up!!! and the only reason why...I even accept reason. Because seriously...

I should be so much more by now. I should be better than I am. I know too much, and believe too strong...

But here I am. Just me. And still not good enough. wtf God?? what the FUGGGGGGG?

I am short on...

Money, Time, Money, Sanity, Peace, Clarity, MUTHA FUGGGIN MONEY!!!! Sigh...

19 June, 2009

If you knew...you'd feel pity. So usually, I dont share.

So much of my thoughts are here...but some I just cant. I wish I could. because telling them to God hasnt done much...so I need to get them out. But there are just too many people that I know that read this, and I truly dont feel like the questioning eyes, random pleasantries that otherwise would not be extended, and just that feeling... poor you!!

Looking at my sons makes me stronger. Looking at them and wondering if I can do this for us? Makes me feel my failure DEEPLY.

I work (albeit late as hell) every day. And the payoff is not what I need. Do you know what it feels like to not have what you need? Do you know what it feels like to not have what you NEED with two children? Maybe, maybe not. But it doesnt feel good. I am a fighter. I have suffered worse. But sigh... So tired. I smile through it...DAILY! I smile over it and around it, minute by minute.

I.am.tired.

That is all.

Working on making the best out of the rest of this day. Hope you are too! Hope its easier for you too!

17 June, 2009

I need...still

I need rejuvenation of my mind, body and spirit.
I need my soul to be magnified and expressed purely and potently through my experience of life.
I need this heaviness in my abdominal cavity to be cleansed and released!

I need this brain fog to clear so that I can SEE!

I need for my burdens to be lifted, so that I may move about in the fashion that is most beneficial. I feel stuck. I feel a constipation of spirit, if you will. I know its there. I KNOW IT IS. Cuz it is...but how the hell do you get it to come out??? I need an essence laxative.

My life depends on it. My health depends on it. My sanity (whats left) depends on it.

Whatever this is... me no likey! I need to remove the restrictions, but they are invisible and I just dont know how...

I really could use some life tools. Sigh... cuz its not working... This is why people run from life, because staying here and looking at it...SUCKS! Running doesnt do much either...but I want to scream. I want to cry. But...I cant...my tears wont fall, so they cant dry.

10 June, 2009

Tell the truth; ignore the devil.

How honest are you in your life? Not how often do you tell the truth, but how often do you say what you truly feel and think...inside. How often do you find yourself tempering what you say and do because you are more concerned with how other people will be about your expression? I am a humble person by nature. And I am extremely empahtetic, which basically translates into: I dont want people to feel bad, so if I can avoid it, even at the cost of my own feelings, i will. and I usually do. Only thing is...that shit is not working for me anymore. And its time to switch the shit up!

Mind spill--Shut the fuck up!! stop crying and fucking whining about ohh...poor you! how badly the world has fucked you over, how he deceived you, played you, used you. how they did you, what they said or thought about you. SO GOT DAMN WHAT!! Quit talking about the same shit over and over again. Dont convince me...I'm tired of hearing the shit!! Convince yourslf on you your own time. Cuz I dont want to hear the shit any more. I want to sock you in your fucking face every time I talk to you...because you get on my nerves!!! I hate how you get all vacant in the eyes as you try and hide behind those dumb ass thoughts of yours. YOU ARE DUMB. If you are willing to believe the shit you tell yourself...then you DESERVE everythign you get. You must want it...shit you turning it around in your head an awful lot to dislike it so!

If you are in denial...how can I sit there and listen to you tell me of a problem, when its APPARENT that there is an operator error in your life?? How can I sit there and listen to this for the millionth time???

I cant.


I won't.

Why not? Its not because I'm judging. Its not because I want to be mean, or self righteous on you. Its simply because I have been there before. I've been you. I've wandered through life with my eyes WIDE shut. And I have suffered.

I've read things, wrongly!! And instead of accepting self responsibility for it...I labeled the circumstance into a neat box of karma, bad luck, or my personal fave: God and His oh-so-mysterious ways!!! When in actuality, I chose not to see the truth. I saw hitting walls as a sign that I needed to be stronger, in order to knock them down. Instead, perhaps they were just spiritual boundaries, to let me know that I was heading the wrong way. Maybe that wall means that that road is not on my path.

Know better, be better! Stop bumping your head up against that wall. I dont remember where I was going with this...its late...im sleepy...and now my energy is all frazzled....cuz i let all of yall come and dump your self imposed agony on me.

Word of the day: Self-Accountabilty

Be accountable, for whatever happens. law is law. You really do reap what you sow. not just in actions, but in words, deed, thoughts and intentions. That is how you plant...your life is your harvest. What is it that you are reaping? The answer is.....whatever you are sowing.



If you like your answer, great!


If you dont...join me in getting busy digging up and replanting some thangs. Seasons are changing...time to plant what I intend to harvest. Happiness, honesty, freedom, love, passion, joy, truth, beauty, peace, laughter...and lists!

Life.

Live it!

YES!!!

01 June, 2009

Just checkin

Does it mean because I deeply enjoy and appreciate breaks from my two lovely toddlers...that I raise ALONE...mean that I'm a selfish mom?

My mom told me that I am selfish...and must be losing my mothering instincts. Sharp tongue, harsh words.

They hurt me.

Not so much because of what she said...but her intent.

Once she let me "know bout myself", she thanked herself for 'correcting' me and moved along to something else. While she spoke, I reminded myself of who I was...

And continued to enjoy my hiatus! Hmph!

You can be fake all you want with your mumbo jumbo... not even you were in this predicament, so tell me how you REALLY feel. Silly rabbit! Guilt is for kids! LMAO!

**Side note, a caller at my job just took 2 minutes to tell me what a wonderful and helpful person I was. She complimented my ability to make her feel at ease and better about her situation. I am deeply thankful for this. Because this is my whole purpose for being alive! And customer service is something I take an usually great pride in. I love customers, and they love me! Gotta love healthy and fucntional relationships!**

Now can we get those a bit closer? too much too soon? okay...I am thankful!

:D

Happy First Day of the rest of your life!!!

Something about June first created anticipation in me for the last two weeks! Dont know what it is...I mean there is a retrograde ending...so thats good if youre into that type of thing. But for me. June 1 is a time of new beginnings...it is the beginning of the 'put up or shut up time'. It is a time for pruning this life and leaivng behind a beautful hand chosen pattern. I am SO EXCITED!!!

This weekend was somewhat kid free. My mom and sis kept the boys Saturday, and their dad spent time with them Sunday. I had a few interim hours, where I had to do a few mommy things, but mostly I got to focus on getting things done for me (and ultimately us)...so that the transformation can begin.

I am ready. I got up early enough to greet the morning. Even though I ran out of gas on the freeway on my way to work. That sucks, becauase I inteded to start the rest of my life doing the damn thang. Sigh....

Well I guess whats best is that I am able to maintain a positive attitude, even though things didnt go according to my plan. The funny part is...I actually made a plan for this morning...

Most of it went off without a hitch. Should I even try to appreciate small progress?

Yep! Me thinks me will. Cuz progression is forward movement.

I miss my friend. I may have lost one. Luckily not to death, so all is not lost. But... Seems like it. It hurts pretty bad. My friend doesnt get it. This life is not a vacuum. We all affect each other. A little consideration goes a long way.

Well N-E WHO!!! I am here. Alive. Feeling industrious and prosperous. Lets get this life started!!! Lets make June 09, the BEST MONTH SO FAR!!!!

:D

18 May, 2009

Sigh

Sometimes, I'm flying high. All deep in the sweetness of love. High on the hog!
Somtimes I fall down...and wallow in depths of silt. Swine flu!

I am thankful for life and all that it encompasses....some days are just not as easy as others. Today...
Today was a challenging day.

But...such is life right?


GRRRRRR!

03 May, 2009

Ode to my FAVORITE!

I see a vision of the life that I have secretly dreamed of. I say secretly, because I have long since abandoned the belief that I could have what I wanted. So often in life, I was told that I couldn't have what I wanted. I was either offered a consolation, which in my eyes never matched up to what I truly desired. Or I was told, "too bad, sad!....in life you dont always get what you want." which, I guess is a true lesson. However, I am observing in my life how that has translated:



I no longer acknowledge my desires anymore...



This has served several purposes. It has kept me from being hurt and disappointed from life. If I never acknowledge that I want something, then I dont try to have it. And If i never 'try' to get it...then when I dont... I cant be mad right?





WRONG!!



I have found myself in a curious situation lately, and I feel ill prepared on how to respond to it.

I have found the love of my life. A wonderful man who is EVERYTHING I could possibly think I want and MORE! His soul FITS in mine. Comfortably and perfectly. He is sincere, honest, loving, industrious, a great father, and understanding, strong, generous, open minded, our personalities EFFORTLESSLY mesh, we want the SAME THINGS out of life, and both agree that it would be lovely to pursue that together.

I have no doubts about his feelings and intentions for me. I always have doubts...but his presence, dispells them.

I trust him. I respect his decisions, his mind, his ambition...and he loves me enough to encourage me to strive for my best! And does what he can to assist me. Which is a whole helluva lot. I can DEPEND on him. And he wants me too! He wants to provide...and dammit, I want to be provided for!

I UNDERSTAND him and he, I. Our communication is SUPERB! And its just and 'easy' way of being!


He holds a very high image of me, and I feel that affecting my spirit in such a positive way. I can relax when I'm with him...and finally, I am starting to believe that my unworthy feelings are wrong... And that LOVE IS REAL!!!! Its not just other people who get to live and love, and just experience happiness. It can be me too!

For the last few months, I have been healing and purging. Cleansing and learning...and now I understand why...

He has come... And we have a job to do.

He is my friend, my partner, my love, my inspiration, my 'conscience', lol. He is so wonderful, and I am very thankful for him. I feel very gay saying this... I feel weak. I feel fear, and I feel like opening up to love may hurt me in the end.... but I feel LOVE and SUPPORT more than all those things.

No longer am I waiting to exhale...

I am breathing! ALIVE! And settling quite comfortably into the notion of being with him.

Is it too soon to hear the march, and see the dress? Hmmm....maybe. But its not too soon to know that I want to laugh with him, and talk to him, and just BE with him...forever. Its not too soon to know that we have that 'special' substance about us that makes life better. We bring out the best and help to heal the worst in each other.
And we do that without trying... it just IS.

I love... again. And its wonderful! :D

May we all have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY EVER!!!!!

Keelah

30 April, 2009

Ramdomly Speaking to (you)

Thanks.
You are right.
I will try.
no...I will DO!
I love you.
Where that will lead? Who knows?
Someone does...
Not me!
Yes I do! And I will.

But...Thanks again.

Your truth is a healing to my soul.
I dont like to disappoint you.
So I will try harder not to.
I havent felt this way about someone ever....
Either you like it or you dont...never really mattered much...

NOW...it does. hmm curious!

You in-spire me to want to be better. I want you to be PROUD of me.
I wish I wanted to change, so that I would be proud of myself...

But, in this case, you will suffice.
Change is change right? Or is it?

Either way. I appreciate the fact that you are a DIRECT answer to an un-uttered prayer. I didnt even know God could go that deeply into my heart. But the fact that YOU are HERE...proves that he can and did! And the response is...

Eternal Gratefullness. YOu make me dream of better, higher, more real, LOVE!!

Finally, I dont have to look at others to understand what it means to have someone truly in your corner. I feel you hear, and I desire so desperately to use that support.

Please bare with me, while I acclimate to your intruding presence. I am used to being alone, fending for myself.

Yes...intruding is the word that I meant to use. *smile*

Shhhh! I like you!

Know better, do better, BE BETTER!

Yah!

Love is Amazing!

14 April, 2009

Misplaced Myself

Do you ever feel, that you are just NOT in the right space?
This feeling is so pervasive that its making me physically ill. Well it could be that damn rotavirus as well...but I honestly am feeling that there is a change that has happened...and somehow my physical world has not yet adjusted to it. Because I feel VERY uneasy about a lot of things in my life.

I am not LOVING my job like I used to. I am still very proficient at it, but my drive is waning and FAST! I dont want to lose it...because I have my children to think of...but I sure am HATING coming here nowadays. It grates everything soft and pure in me to do so. I am open and rubbed raw by this circumstance.

I am not understanding how to accept love. I know...sit there and take it! But how??? Who doenst understand this? Apparently quite a few of us...


I want...and I need...

I see solutions, silver linings, and good things...but inside me is a brewing pot of something terrible. At the surface, which is the only place I dare scratch...is anger, RAGE EVEN, helplessness, desire for COMPLETE OVERHAUL, pain, abandonment, F.E.A.R, and just a general distaste for all things current.

I need to better get a grip on what I feel...but I cant do that unless I actually FEEL it...and I dont want to feel these things...Cuz letting them lose may make bad things happen.

Today I want to retreat to the safety of my shell until this particular storm passes...
...again.

...only thing about that is...MY shell is not the haven it used to be. Its a really tight fit. I think I should eat less.

Seeing as though this emotional period of my life has me eating nonstop and I gained 6 lbs...QUICKLY!!! wtf?

I am at work, I'd rather be in bed....nursing myself. Holding myself. Comforting myself...Telling myself, it is all a part of the process...and that I am doing fine.

Go ahead, dont let your yesterdays hold any weight on your todays. Its over. You dont have to hurt anymore. You have grown into a lovely young lady. You have a heart that wont stop. That is why you hurt, you are going against all that is real and true. You cant NOT love...You can only try your damndest! It will never work. That is what you are built for. You are built to love HARD. Learn always. And to give of that wellspring. Dont be afraid of being hurt...But dont be so 'strong' that you feel you need to carry every grievance either. Let them go... Let it ALL GO!

You are beautiful, caring, honest. loving, creative, and PERFECT! You are a great mom, and will make a wonderful wife (for some unsuspecting fool! lol at u!) You have a lot inside of you to share... dont give up on yourself...as I will NEVER give up on you. Dont ignore the hurt, but dont dwell either....just let it be....and DO YOU! Be the wonderful you that you already are. Hurt and all...you are still loved beyond what your beautiful mind can measure.

01 April, 2009

If I were a boy....

Or at the very least if I didnt give a fuck....

Then I could:
  • Care less about how people throw their opinions around about me.
  • Live my life without cares or conerns about my childrens wherabouts and the such.
  • Tell a bitch to SUCK MY DICK if they say something that I dont appreciate.
  • Live my life without concern about the future, and how my present choices are shaping it.
  • Be' okay' with the fact that some people dont want me to thrive. Even if they are my family.

But luckily for me and my boys...I do give a fuck! And I do care that my "loved ones" especially those closest to me blatantly dont want me to succeed in life. Well, if you asked, of COURSE they would say the contrary...however...your actions speak louder than your words. I wish you the best! But you have just removed yourself from the front row of my life.

I know that its hard right now...but it will be fine. I understand. And I know you do too. We just have to keep the faith, and continue to pray and be supportive.

I dont know how you can fit in right now. LIfe is so heavy. I'm unloading it as we speak...and I love your energy...but... sigh...timing is TERRIBLE!!!

FYI--I know who I am. I know my worth...so when you try and convince me otherwise, it sounds OH SO GREEK to me. It may hurt me...but not because I believe you, but because you have just changed before my eyes. You went from someone who I always thought I would love unconditonally, to someone who I have to handle with a long handled spoon. That ish hurts. But...so be it!

{sometimes i feel my sensitivity is a curse....}

But my sensitivity makes me more aware of the truth...and you know what is said about TRUTH!

Yeah...I believe that too! Thanks for that MAMA! You fuggin rock! You let me know... and I love you for it!

30 March, 2009

What the fugg???

Me: Are your hardwoods light, medium or dark?

Her: Ugly! (laughter in unison)

Her: Well dark I guess...dark is ugly, right?

Me: (Pause of disbelief) Um.... so what color?

Her: Probably medium.


Hmmmmm? Is this only weird because I am dark?

26 March, 2009

To you:

You are the last thing I remember before I drifted off to sleep.
The sound of your voice, the feeling of your tenderness and understanding helped me drift off in such a wonderful way.
You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning.
I smiled.

I think of you, often.
I wonder...I imagine.
I try and tell myself, slow down. Dont go there, yet.
But my heart is full of love for you and no matter what I say to it...it simply continues

There is no room for this right now. I have to FOCUS. I have ish to do! I cant take a pause right now.

Invitations. Confirmations...

Damn. I cant DO THIS!!!!

But I so want to...does that count at all?

You have my mind scrambled...and its invigorating!!

Ssshhhh! Dont tell nobody....

I really, really like you!

25 March, 2009

Pruning

Some things dont deserve to be in my life.
Some people dont deserve to be in my life.
Some thoughts dont deserve to be in my life.

So they wont!

Some things need to be changed, evolved, or released in love. IT IS DONE.

Sometimes you have to open your eyes, W-I-D-E, and see things for what they are. Nothing is ever as bad or as good as it seems. It is. Allow it. Thats the only WAY.

You cant deal with what you refuse to see. I get it!!!

I vow to remove all things that keep my sight at bay. I desire truth. I crave it like clean water and fresh air. It is necesssary. It is LIFE.

I'm so excited, because I am building my dream life right now. And I get to choose all the little details. How exciting!!! Its decorating...but a LIFE!!! MY LIFE!!!! How yummy!

I am thankful that I get to do what I love for a living, and for a hustle.
I am thankful that I found a way to gain extra income that allows me creative freedom and control over my destiny.
I am thankful that I have a wonderful place to live.
I am thankful that I have a reliable car to drive.
I am thankful for all of my possessions.
I am thankful that my children are the most AMAZING people I have ever met!!! They keep me humble, real and motivated!
I am thankful that I am intimately enjoying this new love affair I am having with TRUTH and him!

I love the newfound freedom that comes along with speaking it, demanding it, and practicing it...ALL THE TIME!

I love the challenge of being true to myself, when surrounded by those who benefit from me being the way I have always been. You remind me WHY I decided to make these changes. I dont care if you dont like it...or me for that matter. Keelah has things to do. And if you are not wit me...then you know what to do with those rocks over there right?

Do it!

Love. First and Always.

22 March, 2009

Random things....

I had the same nightmare all night.
I would hurt, then ease out of the dream, only to have a different variation of the same dream.
Same pain...slightly different intensities.
I am still alive. So...I guess I can live through the worst case scenario.

I thought of you last night. You must not have thought of me...you didnt call.

My yesterday was FULL! I enjoyed it immensely. I only disappointed one person. I hope she appreciates that I really tried.

I am at home. In the midst of spring cleaning... I guess there is always time for a blogging break.

I am ready to start attacking my demons. Shit...its the least I can do...bitches been on my head for YEARS!

I want to pick up my stake.... but I think I may just fly away.....

On a scale of 1-10, I am at a 5. And no...I dont like riding the middle. 8's or better, man. Eights or better.

I am already resisting work tomorrow. I really dont want a regla 9-5. It really does seem to take away from my life instead of adding to it. Maybe if I made more $.... Who am I kidding? I dont wanna go! I'd rather be making Mickey Mouse(ish) panna cakes for my boys.

I havent trained as consistently as I shoulda...Whelp! Today is a new day...and YES! I am still running the race.

Later on...I will get back to my business setup. After cooking, laundry, front closet, bathroom cleaning... I need another me to help out with my life. I guess this is why people get married be-FORE having children. Having help is REALLY important. Sigh...

Not going down that road...(even though its pretty unavoidable, cuz I live on that road)

I wouldnt change much in my life...but I sure am sad about being a single mom. It colors my whole world. I feel shame, guilt, and hopelessness.

Good thing they are just feelings...and can be worked through.

I am more than enough to handle this...but I find myself asking quite often..."Why?"

There was a big bowl of popcorn prepared for my boys for after lunch....Now there is a big pile of popcorn waiting for the vacuum. LOL. My bad!! Truly, I should have known.

Chocolate Milk is GOOD!

I need to start logging my food again, something (and not just this heavy feeling) is telling me I have been wilding out a lil too much, lately.

Time to go clean something.

Love.

18 March, 2009

wwoooohssssahhhh

I sit.
...and I wait.

I wait for the next time it comes around. I wait to see how I respond.
Will it be painless this time? Or will it ache long after the wound has been...
TOUCHED.

I wonder how much I really gave, because the pain is lingering...I feel.
I feel the past slipping, to wherever it goes, when its no longer NOW.
It hurts. Deeply.

So I cry. Sit. In stillness. Waiting.


I move forward, chagrined. Destined to succeed.

How naive of me to believe that I could walk this earth, and love...unscathed!!!

I laugh bitterly at myself for that one! I mock the promises of life after death.

Fuck later. I need NOW!

I am afraid of the day when I wake up...totally okay.

But I yearn for that day as well. Because then, I can pick up the pieces, and continue crafting my masterpiece!

Its will be beautiful. Not inspite of, but in light of.

So through this...I say thank you.

Thank you for revealing to me that place that still needs. Still hurts. The place in me not protected by the wall.

You have shown me, my vulnerability. My softness. My love.

I will continue...not inspite of, but in light of.
How could you? How could you say something like that to me?

A joke? Is that what that was supposed to be?

I'm a funny girl, with an AMAZING sense of humor.... that ish was NOT funny. NOT ONE LITTLE BIT!

Am I being too sensitive? Again???

Maybe, just maybe...I'm not too sensitive. Ever think that its you thats too harsh?

Or maybe...its just another misunderstanding...

I know you wont ever read this...but feel this babe....

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!

Ding! You know what to do after that!

24 February, 2009

Write It Down, Make IT HAPPEN???

I will be 30 on Sept. 19!!!

Last year in October, my sister and I wrote down a list of things that we wanted to see manifest before our next birthdays. Instead of the normal things that I normally write, that I have to fight myself tooth and nail to accomplish (and never do), I decided to write down things that I REALLY wanted to have happen, but I kinda secretly felt not good enough for. THOSE to me are the things that I want the Universe to help me achieve. Things that I dont believe I can accomplish for myself.

I wrote my list: (This is what I remember off the top of my head)

  • Be a successful Momtrepeneur. --Start date Mar. 9, 2009!!! YAAAAAY
  • Plan a womans only getaway.
  • Throw a FABULOUS get together at my house.
  • Go on vacation sans kids.--Happening this weekend!! YAAAAAY
  • Get a modeling Gig.--Happening in about 2 months. Got time to tighten a few things up! I get PAID!!! Bonus! I would model for free just to say I've done it! Shhhh!
  • Get my hair professionally colored and styled.--Not yet, but I see this before the modeling gig!
  • Run a 5k.--April 25th!!! I will be running in Belle Isle Park for the JROTC summer camp program!!!

I am dumbfounded by how effortlessly these things have worked themselves into my life. I mean... a few weeks ago, I was moaning and groaning about how big bad life has fugged me again... Thats not what I said, but its what it sounded like, and here it is... FRESH PERSPECTIVES, new motivations, and a newfound hope. I love it! I do, I do, I do!!!!

Whats GOOD with you?

17 February, 2009

Intimacy and Fear

Intimacy. What is it? I know what it feels like. It feels close, warm and safe to me. It feels lovely, like I am being held and trusted with something sacred and honest. My mind is filled with images of connection and love and sharing and joy, but at the thought of intimacy, my mind is filled with fear, anxiety and I'mma be truthful SHEER TERROR!!

What ifs start to happen. What if I allow someone close to me and they poke my most sensitive parts. What if it hurts too bad? What if I cant keep recovering from the hurt? What if its not just hurting me, what if its DAMAGING me?

What if they mock me, or make fun of me and my humanness? What if they abandon me, or worse yet...reject me for being me. What if I'm not good enough to sustain any real relationships?

With thoughts like these, its a wonder I had any relationships at all! I am exhausted. But its a good exhaustion. God is working on me something serious. No longer is it okay to have an idea, and just let time and excuses push it to the wayside. God is EXPECTING things from me! hahah me??

I said, "Wow, wouldnt it be nice to run a 5K?" His answer, "It is AWESOME! Now what are you going to do to MAKE it happen?"
My actions--found a race that was at least 8 weeks away. I practice calisthetics daily and run 3x per week, per the couch to 5K training program. The race is April 25. I will be there. RUNNING!!

I said, "It would be nice to have my own business where I could work from home, doing something I love and getting to spend more time with my kids, while having more control over our financial future" His response, "It will be GREAT! I have been waiting for you to know that and believe that your dreams are possible for you"
My actions--I completed my business plan, have my business name registered in my county. Getting computer upgraded and am purchasing my final office supplies next weekend. My website information is all typed up, just have to register my domain name and begin building.


I said, "Wouldnt it be lovely to live a life that is customized just for me? To have loving and healthy functioning relationships, rest, fun and adventure, learning and abundance?" His response..."Yes!"
My action. Not waiting for anyone else to give me permission. This is a difficult step, because I believe somehow that i need to pay with a certain amount of struggle and suffering before I deserve to be happy. I feel that I need to 'pay my dues' in order to live a joyfull life. But I have accepted an invitation to go to ATL. with a friend of mine for her birthday in two weeks. I am going to go on a MUCH NEEDED vacation yall! Lord knows I could use it. I intend to heal myself. Let myself relax, recharge and rejuvenate.


Every day there is a person or circumstance that stands out to me, not because of who they are, but because of the gifts they bring to me. Every kind word, or thoughtful observation hides within it a message for my soul. Come forth and live your life! You are the only one that can do it. You are the only one who knows your deepest needs and truest desires. Be not afraid of imagined prosecution. Be not afraid of the 'thoughts' of failure. They have no strength, lest you give them yours. Be not afraid to stand firm on this earth and accept your divine inheritance. There is no glory in playing small. NONE. So, Kill dat! K?

Dead!

Peace

09 February, 2009

Random Things...

I took the boys to see Elmo this weekend. Was a hit! My younger son LOVED IT! The dancing, the singing....My eldest loved...THE POPCORN and slush! And apparently the sleep vibe...cuz he was OUT!!

I stepped out finally and accepted a date request...he stood me up! NO CALL, NO SHOW! Doesnt he know that during economic times such as these, you cant just go around ackin how you wanna? Now...he's missed out! Ah well...

Chillens dad, sneaked and called my sis to see who I went to Elmo with...I sure hate she admitted it was her! Nunna his bidness!!!! LMAO!

I appreciate my mom. I worry about our relationship a lot...but I am thankful that she is here and that she helps me with my kids!

My son is forming his own thoughts and opinions now...SHOCKED THE SHIT OUTTA ME! I was zoning out on him saturday night...he shook me and looked me in my eyes..and said, "Mama, turn around...I'm talking to you!"...That woke me up! HAD to listen after that!

Mr. X is trying his best to convince me that he is the one that got away...he wishes my kids were his and he is imagining us all being one big happy family one day soon... if I rid my life of my kids father!!! WHAT IS HE SMOKING???

My neice or nephew is going to be so lucky...thier mom loves them so much already!!!!

My car is still not fixed...of COURSE I need a few more parts! Ah well...temporary things... few more days on the freight wont kill me!

The full moon last night/this morning SPOKE to me!

I still want my family, but I am moving closer to be okay with the possibility that it may never work out the way I dream.

My boys and I ate raw yesterday! I love that they love vegetation so!!!

The best thing in life is the joy coming out of the face of my children! Whatever makes them happy, makes me happy!

I am two more steps closer to becoming a business owner. I got my registration to legally conduct business out of my county last week! YAY!

This is the year that I will become a Momtrepeneur! Such a fab life...I can see it more clearly each and every day! AMEN!

I am learning how to be a better friend, thank you for your patience friends. Its hard for me, but you are SO worth me coming around for. You are great, and I am thankful that you are in my life.

This week is going to be a week of advancement and happiness!

Life is better every day!

30 January, 2009

Round and Round

I have a startling realization. I have been dreaming of the same accomplishments for at least 4 years. During this transitional time in life, I am being led to get to the root of a lot of my issues. For the current moment that means purging and cleansing. I was going through some notebooks and realized that my goals are EXACTLY the same as they were FOUR years ago.

In my right mind...they are not so huge that they should have taken this long. Basically most of my entries were about how I wanted excellent health, healthy finances, lots of love, an active and satizfying social life, a beautiful appearance, warm and inviting home, real frienship, confidence, creative outlets, and entrepeneurship.

Each notebook was full of variations of this. Then sidenotes from God or my angels, or just the part of me that KNOWS that I can be, do and have anything that I set my mind to, would offer me encouragment, inspiration and LOVE..in the form of GO FOR IT!

Yet years later...here I am. More responsiblity, more emotional and mental weight...and the EXACT same goals. Why? I asked myself...and the answer came to me last night during a conversation with my neighbor.

There are a few 'things' necessary for success and accomplishments of anything. And those things make me have a physical reaction so strong that it became BLATANTLY apparent what the problem was.

The reasons were not not, as I previously assumed, that i wasnt good enough...or worthy of a happy life.
It is not because I did some ill ish in the past and this is payback.
Its not because I am just not smart, cute, confident, open...[insert any other self perceived flaw here]...


its simple...I dont plan to achieve my goals...I 'hope' to.

Hope is a sticky thing for me. I am a believer that if a dream is placed in your heart, then it truly is already yours. So why dont i have mine God?

The answer:

Because you dont intend to have it. Because if I did...I would plan for it. I would prepare my life for it. Thats what people do when they know that something is coming into their lives. Just like when I knew my children were on their way. There were preparations that were made. Thing to buy, think about , learn....but somehow that doesnt automatically translate into other areas of my life.

I want to lose weight! What is the plan? uh.... eat better, work out more...
That is NOT a plan. That is a vague and grossly underestimated phrase that describes the basic premise of what needs to be done. Thankfully, God gave me (and all of us) the ability of self awareness...so that while I know that is the basis, I also know that I have issues with portion sizes, binge emotional eating, and late night snacking. KNOWING this opens up the space for me to make a (sharp inhale)..PLAN!!

I want to be a WAHM! whats the plan? open my own business
That is not a plan, that it the solution, but the PLAN...needs to be specific, step by step INTENTIONS that measures your progress.

As smart as I think I am...this concept is like Swahili to me. I've heard of it. It may be nice to know...but I just cant get behind it! WTF?

I REALLY am my biggest sabateur... Now its like...what now?

PLAN to be your biggest motivator!
Plan to achieve what you see in your mind.
Noone else can imagine, work towards or achieve my goals for my life. Oh how I wish they could...

My name means responsible leader.... God help me to live up to my names sake. I do NOT want to read my journals in 2011, and still be wanting basic things, that are easily within my reach. I am too good for that! I know too much, our relationship it TOO tight, my resources are TOO abundant, I have TOO much potential to continue to play myself out like I am cheap AND on the clearance rack! Help me to love me enough to push through the irrelevant thoughts in my mind that tells me, "you cant do that!", "who do you think you are?", "thats unrealistic...for you"
"you'll never be on that level" "Why try? you will just fail and be embarrassed for even thinking you deserved to be happy" SHUT THEM THE FUCK UP!!!! I HATE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO ME!!!!

I must hate me, cuz they are me.

And then I go to other places, where the people seem genuinely happy and at ease in their lives. They have lives, that are true and authentic and unique to them and they are fed and renewed by their lives. And I LOVE them for showing me what it looks like, but I feel so much envy...because I just dont think I will ever be that way... I say I do... I act like I believe that (Hey! fake it til you make it right?) But...alas the truth remains the same... I dont believe that love is in store for me. I dont believe success is in store for me. I dont believe that there will ever be a time where I will be anywhere near at ease. I expect stress, hurt, and lack. And by the Laws invested in the Universe...that is what I receive. I know its not a coincidence... I believe in the Law. How do I change my beliefs? How do I go deep into my heart and change whats there? HOW (method wise) does one truly change from lack to abundnce consciousness.

I do affirmations. I pray, I meditate, I attempt forgiveness, I give, I encourage others to reach for the stars... but....

Fuuuuuuuckkkkk! Why cant i just snap the fuck out of this and get it TOGETHER??!!!!

23 January, 2009

Questions

Will it always hurt so bad?

Will I ever be able to look at you and not feel failure and rejection?

Will I ever smile, and be thankful about how things worked out?

Will you ever come and tell me that you love me? And I feel it?

Will I ever be able to stop telling myself "Its okay"....?

Does the pain ever lessen or will it continue to hide for weeks at a time, only to resurface at the strangest, most embarrassing moments?

Do you miss 'us' as much as I do?

Will my children blame me?

Will anyone ever be able to love me?

Can I stop crying now?

Why cant I just 'get over it' like you have?

Why does heartache feel so 'personal'...I know its not...but I feel that I am the only one who feels this way?

Why does the thought of being a part of your past...tear my heart to shreds?

Why am I still here? Its been MONTHS!!!

20 January, 2009

Whats real?

Life has slapped the shit out of me. THANK GOD its gone! I am currently facing many criseees at all once...but ya know what? I asked God to reveal Himself... and I guess at a time where you have two small children in the dead of winter, probable eviction, car died, job an hour away... 3 busses, -30 degrees.... and you simply wake up early and do whatcha gotta do. No stuttering or stalling. THATS WHATS REAL! I keep getting all these inspirational thoughts and wishes from people who are AMAZED that I catch the bus to work!! Keep my head up, they say. Uh....yeah! Where else am I gonna keep it? Keelah is a bit heavy on the drama sometimes....and thats just cuz I'm passionate about shit and drama being a part of life is no different... Sometimes it gets the best of my mind...but never me. I KNOW! I know that when times seem the toughtest, its not a time to fall (all the way) apart. (carefully ignoring my last post) Its time to get quiet...cuz BELIEVE there is a helluva lesson involved. Sometimes, I need to sit back and accept kind words, and thoughts from loved ones. sometimes I need to understand that I am not in this alone. Sometimes I need to learn that if it is to be...then its up to me. Depending on the situation...I adjust and act accordingly. I love connection, because I can 'feel' which way to lean...and let it do what it do. I am thankful that somehow arrangements are being met to keep our place. My car will be fixed soon, but for the time being, I get to meet some very nice and interesting people on the bus. God has sent me quite a few lovely souls to accompany me on my journies. I get to save money on gas, and just get in a few more steps to my day!! I get help from my family in keeping my kids and they get to spend quality time with grandma, who despite my feelings...is a great disciplinarian and teacher. My son actually respects time outs now. Whooda thunk it? Time out? WTH? I get to feel that accomplishment of doing what I need to BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY! I need that sometimes. And in this process, I relearned that productivity can be as good a feeling as relaxation. Still trying to integrate that one into practical living! My mind resists that notion something fierce! But the fact that I KNOW...THATS REAL!

And in the spirit of changes and changing... CONGRATS TO AMERICA! Happy Innauguration day, ALL! Its a great day to be free!