What a STRANGE WORLD I live in....!!!!

Okay...just a few STRANGE THINGS about my weekend:

1) How does a grandmother with only ONE grandchild show up at his party with NO GIFT?

2) How does my sister buy two other RANDOM little people birthday gifts, expensive ones mind you...but come to her ONLY nephews birthday party empty handed? And THEN leave to go get more balloons, and come back with a friend and another little kid? Ummm??? Me no understand.

3) How do you decide that you are going to stay...and then five minutes before I leave the house...decide that you MUST leave?

4) How is is that you call me at 3:45 and you are on your way to your ONLY grandsons party...then at 4:30 you're too sick to come? [however you did come the next day and bring a NICE CHECK...FORGIVEN] :)

5) How do you plan on a $300 dollar car making it back to Detroit from New Orleans...if I call you and say "I'm in Labor...come right away???"

6) Why do you choose the day of my sons b-day to need his dad to help you take some metal to the metal yard...when you had him available all week? And then you keep him for hours...because you decided to drive BELOW the speed limit???? And ignore the directions you got from the yellow pages, the location....and my MAN!??

7) How do you find any excuse to drink and smoke? and when your decision to do so causes you to sleep like a corpse...why do you look at me when you miss your plane ...like "what do I do?" I.DONT.KNOW!

I am trying not to adopt the victim mentality here...but WHAT IN THE FUGGGG IS GOING ON? Am I the ONLY SANE ONE LEFT??? Or is my crazy...just being reflected back to me in the form of others? And why when I express to a "friend" how my fam came empty handed...she reminded me that I didnt want to throw a party in the first place...which leads me to #8

8) What does a party or acknowledgment on my part AT ALL have to do with MY FAMILY getting my son a gift?

I mean, am I being weird?...should I not expect for them to buy him something for his 1st birthday? I mean...I bought them something from him for theirs...and they are both GROWN AS HAYLE?

And now that that shit is out...IM.DONE! I am not speaking of it again. What is done is done...water under the bridge. My son enjoyed his birthday, as did his guests. The party (our firt time ever throwing one) turned out very well. Good freaking Monday morning! : )

I am NOT my family!

Why oh WHY is this concept so DIFFICULT for me to really accept??? My family is great (in their own little way). I mean...who doesnt have things about their family that they wish were different? But you grow up...try to learn to stop blaming them...accept responsiblity for your own life...and blah blah blah. But I had a reveleation in the shower. I still live a LOT, and when I say lot,I mean LOT!!!! of my life based on what I THINK my role was or is in my family. Its the weirdest thing ever...Some things that I remember coming natural to me...FEEL so foreign now, because after years of ridicule (that apparently I havent released) I am almost ashamed to let parts of myself BE FREE! I thought my mom was in the shower with me...saying I was taking too long because I was shaving my legs and using my loofah...and adding my Oil of Olay body lotion. I heard her voice...saying "Why are you doing all that?" and "You are taking too long...Don't nobody care about all that".

But I do.

I almost hurried myself up...until I realized, Thank GOD!, I was in the shower alone...and that voice was just a ghost of my PAST! It was the craziest thing ever...because...it was then that it REALLY HIT MY AZZ IN A POTENT WAY! I am NOT my family. Never have been...I like aromatherapy, yoga, energy work. I own more books than movies...and I prefer it like that. I shave hairy things...I bathe for the hell of it! I used to spend hours "experimenting" with my hair. Yep! Just to pull it back in a ponytail the next day, but...Hey!? I can also stare at myself in the mirror for HOURS...you never know when you may need a certain "look". I set moods in my room...JUST FOR ME! I practice putting on my clothes sexily...haha shhhh dont tell nobody! BTW NO that ISH does NOT work being 8 months pregnant! Almost broke my damn neck this morning! :) But all in all, the point is...that I am NOT necessarily doomed to live out the character that I grew up playing. I can be ME! ALL DAY LONG! :D

Happy Birthday Jeremiah! One year ago today, I gave birth to the greatest little human alive! Thank you so much for making my life happen. I love you.

Jealousy

I am experiencing a feeling that can only be jealousy. Its not angry...and I dont want the person of whom I'm jealous to see an ill fate...but I am coveting. There was this girl that I went to high school with...and she was PERFECT! She always looked perfect, she was a sweetheart, she was very involved in every extra-curricular activity you can name, she was smart, captain of the cheerteam, dated the most popular guy in high school all four years, was a devout Christian...and yes a virgin. YOu could not hate this chick if you wanted to. She was homecoming queen for every year (for our class)...Yep...me no likey her! So I'm browsing myspace...and I run across her...and wouldnt you know it...her current life looks just as perfect. Had beautiful wedding, to man that you can see the love OOZING FROM. Just had first baby...looked FABULOUS throughout her ENTIRE pregnancy...yep she documenteed it all. Even when her belly was huge as a tank...she was cute...and leaving comments such as "Pregnancy is the greatest!!" and "Thank God for MIracles!" BLAH BLAH BLAH She has the life I think I want. And I hate to admit..but yep...Ya girl is thoroughly jealous. Did I mention that she lives in a beautiful home in a beautiful city...with beautiful lamps in the background?? Did I mention the plushness of the carpet? No I didnt...cuz that is a slight overexxageration...tho I'm sure it was plush. I'm sad. I have lots of things to be grateful for...but all I can keep thinking...is JEALOUS JEALOUS thoughts. Which of course just reiterate all the places where I think I fall short. sigh. I wanna go to sleep now!


{serious reinvention time is near--channelling Madonna}

Note to people!!!

If I must objectify myself...I would say that I am a nice person. Its true! I am! Not necessarily because I like to be nice to you...but because it feels better for me to be nice. Its easy to condemn someone...but it feels better to try and understand you. Its easy to just let whatever I'm thinking roll of my tongue...but it feels better to exercise tact. Its easy to attack those who hurt me...but it feels better to take responsibillity for my own experience that I AM HAVING. I am not who I am to benefit YOU at all! I'm actually much more selfish than that. I am the way that I am...because it feels better to live my life in this way. Yes...being this way can be a double edged sword, lots of people dont understand how I can function the way I do...Shit! Half the time...I dont either...but I know that it feels better this way. It is easy to point the finger...but it feels better to accept what IS. It is easy to judge others...VERY EASY! So I'mma leave this one alone...cuz...hahaha ya know! But all in all the point is...just because I am what most would consider a nice person...does not mean that I ALWAYS want to be bothered. I dont like to to always be that person that people think is always upbeat and ready to listen to your nothingness. I mean come on!? Do you not hear me at all???? I am cool peeps...but I dont want to hear your shit all the time. I have my own shit to process...I do not have the capacity to handle both of ours...so dear friends, when I am more quiet than usual...please dont perch yourself near me...and attempt to siphon my vibes. It makes me ANGRY! I am entitled to attitude days...or weeks, or months if I wanna...cuz sometimes..that feels better. Get it? Got it! GOOD. Now ya have a wonderful day nah...Ya hear??

A coca cola bottle or a 2 liter

Well...time is winding down. I dont know how far along I am because there are so many rumors going around. My doctor is saying one thing, the ultrasound said another...yet my tummy and womans intuition is saying yet another. At my last appointment I measured 33 weeks! So I could be like 35 weeks right now! The thought of that is INCREDIBLE! I am excited and scared. One thing lately that has been on my mind (besides the fact that I need the terms of my relationship clearly defined...AGAIN! Sigh!) is that I need to really get my mind back on track. Because I could easily start to look like what I consider 'mama's' to look like. And if you are a mama...please dont be offended...I mean that tired overweight woman who just let herself go! That thought scared the Be-Jesus out of me! I know shallow but...I AM having back to back pregnancies...and I did gain a substantial amount of weight. I keep thinking...I should have eaten better...or worked out more...but at this point in the game...SHOULDA, COULDA, WOULDA...What is...IS! I am meaty! I mean, IMO, my body looks great! Its doin the damn thing!...however..once my baby is no longer inside me...then I will just be fat! And that is not something that I want for myself or my family. I know that it will take time...but I feel overwhelmed already...cuz see...I need to lose like 85-90 lbs. I had struggled with losing 30 lbs...and now I am going to attempt to lose TRIPLE THAT??? With two children under the age of 2??? Who do I think I am ?? I'm scared. I dont want to be round shaped...I really dont. Luckily I still [barely] have a nice silhouette...but I am literally...a small fry away from being an oblong oval shape! Does anyone know any programs that work well? My bosses wife recommended Weight Watchers...but I am not sure how much money I will have for all that? I want to look better than I EVER HAVE!!! My first pregnancy I gained weight mostly in my tummy...this time...it is EVERYWHERE! I am trying to focus on the matter at hand...but the matter on my thighs and face and back...are BEGGING for my attention as well. :)

Forgetting Family Values

How do you raise your family...or a better yet 'fashion' your family in a way that is not the way that you were raised without being offensive to those who raised you? This is a dilemna that I face on a regla. Now...I'm sure my mom did the best she did with what she had to work with...(took a while and SEVERAL self-help books to get me to THAT conclusion). But I want to mix things up and do things a little different for my own family. See...I am a bit more health conscious than my family is. And while I do not have healthy living down to a science, my children give me the extra motivation necessary to REALLY make it happen. I want them to live in healthy, well functioning bodies...as their little systems have a lot to contend with in our modern world.

What seemed commonplace in my childhood raises definite red flags in my mind now. Like sugar consumption...and salt...and childhood obesity and obese-related illness. Even my views on showing children respect, fostering creativity and freely giving affection are all in STARK contrast to the values that my family places on them. My family considers children who are cherished, SPOILED. And children who are allowed to voice their opinions, OUT OF CONTROL. Whenever I dont want for my 11 month old son to over indulge in sweet things...I get "THE LOOK" from my mom...followed by her explanation that children need sugar sometimes! Need? And that time would be?? When their blood sugar is low. Last time I checked...Sugar was poison...and then she goes on to point out that I eat it...and blah blah. which is true...and I know in order for me to REALLY preach this...it will first have to become a practice...but my point is, right now my sons eating habits are being formed...and I would like for them to include heatlthy things...not just what every other parent I know allows their child to eat. I dont want him to even get it ingrained in his head that a cheeto is a food. Not to say that he wont ever have these things...but it is not my desire that he does...and in his first few years will probably be the only time when I can ABSOLUTELY guarantee that he wont indulge in empty calories.

When he is frustrated...and lets it out...Yes it gets on my nerves...but who I am to stop him from having a normal reaction to his desires beign thwarted...I mean...I'm no a happier when I dont get my way...only as an adult, I have learned more effective ways of dealing with that feeling. I'm SURE, (despite what mama says) I didnt come out knowing exactly how to deal with not getting what I want. I am just tired of feeling like my parenting and my views on the world are 'incorrect'. I am tired of when my child cries...for my FAMILY to say...Girl your son is {insert some bullshit here} spoiled, a cry baby, too loud, whatever. I know he can be a handfull sometimes...but he is my BABY! My first baby. And all I know is that I want the ABSOLUTE BEST FOR HIM! So if that means...drinking less juice and having more fruit, or snacking on vegetable sticks, whats the problem? Why is that viewed as a bad thing to those I hold most dear? sigh...I guess it was denial...cuz this really REALLY bothers me.

Peace or Denial

Its hard for me to tell when I experience peace. In my imagination, I picture peace to be this overwhelming calm that completely permates my entire existence. One that is unmistakable...but my more rational self (who is now visiting) says...that may not be a complete truth at all. Maybe peace is much more subtle. Maybe peace is being okay with the way things are. See I have a lot of things on my mind. My family, my children, my relationship, my finances, my life, my "calling", my home, my future...Yeah...ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME! But as of late...tho I can complain...I just try not to...or to look on the brighter side of things.

My family...is my family ALL DAY LONG! We are dysfunctional. Delusional. Selfish. And out of touch with reality...but this is the way it has always been. I want to help...but if I cant...then I have to preserve my sanity. Hi and Bye! Its okay. I still love us!

My children...are my WORLD. I think of them all day. I want to be my best self...for them, even more than for myself. Because I know that a balanced mother will be more apt to raise balanced children.

My relationship...NOT what I think I should want right now...but...it is just the same the relationship that I choose to be in. It is a daily choice...and a very constant and conscious one. I understand that in this time...I would choose close proximity...but that is not what I'm getting...I am not in a relationship with myself or a yes man. He has his own ideas...and currently they are not bending to fit what I want them to be. This is as it is. I.do.not.agree. That too is okay. I still love you.

My finances...I do not have as much money as I would like. But I still pay my bills and get all of what I need...and most of what I want. So...:)

My body! My BEAUTY-FULL very full figgered body! I am loving my body so much lately. I think the hormones are doing something skrewy to my brain...because I am obsessed with my body lately. Maybe instead of dogging it for not being what I thing it should be...I can actually appreciate all of the things that it IS to me! I am thankfull for it. Even my brand new stretch marks make me smile. (as i ferocioulsy slather them with cocoa butter)

My life...is pretty sweet! I still want things...and new levels of growth...but...its like...fuck a want right now. Cuz right now...this is what I have...and...It feels pretty good.