Peace or Denial

Its hard for me to tell when I experience peace. In my imagination, I picture peace to be this overwhelming calm that completely permates my entire existence. One that is unmistakable...but my more rational self (who is now visiting) says...that may not be a complete truth at all. Maybe peace is much more subtle. Maybe peace is being okay with the way things are. See I have a lot of things on my mind. My family, my children, my relationship, my finances, my life, my "calling", my home, my future...Yeah...ME-ME-ME-ME-ME-ME! But as of late...tho I can complain...I just try not to...or to look on the brighter side of things.

My family...is my family ALL DAY LONG! We are dysfunctional. Delusional. Selfish. And out of touch with reality...but this is the way it has always been. I want to help...but if I cant...then I have to preserve my sanity. Hi and Bye! Its okay. I still love us!

My children...are my WORLD. I think of them all day. I want to be my best self...for them, even more than for myself. Because I know that a balanced mother will be more apt to raise balanced children.

My relationship...NOT what I think I should want right now...but...it is just the same the relationship that I choose to be in. It is a daily choice...and a very constant and conscious one. I understand that in this time...I would choose close proximity...but that is not what I'm getting...I am not in a relationship with myself or a yes man. He has his own ideas...and currently they are not bending to fit what I want them to be. This is as it is. I.do.not.agree. That too is okay. I still love you.

My finances...I do not have as much money as I would like. But I still pay my bills and get all of what I need...and most of what I want. So...:)

My body! My BEAUTY-FULL very full figgered body! I am loving my body so much lately. I think the hormones are doing something skrewy to my brain...because I am obsessed with my body lately. Maybe instead of dogging it for not being what I thing it should be...I can actually appreciate all of the things that it IS to me! I am thankfull for it. Even my brand new stretch marks make me smile. (as i ferocioulsy slather them with cocoa butter)

My life...is pretty sweet! I still want things...and new levels of growth...but...its like...fuck a want right now. Cuz right now...this is what I have...and...It feels pretty good.