Good Life

We moved. We love. We left some things behind. And we are eagerly anticipating moving forward with clarity, strength, spiritual honesty and LIFE!!! My family is in such a better place...because mommy finally had the faith and motivation to make the 'tough' decisions. I am so proud of myself for finally standing up for what is right and just. I am proud of myself to pray with all that I am to release my past and step BOLDLY into the NOW! I am so proud and excited to live the life that I often times dreamed, but never dared reach for. Each day is a new day...and no matter what, I will find a reason to smile and be grateful in EACH AND EVERY ONE! There are too many little things to be thankful for... so I will just extend the most sincere and complete THANK YOU GOD...that I have ever uttered. Because only you know what this truly means . I thank you in advance for your plans for my life. Cuz I know they are the ish! I look forward to living for you for the rest of my life. I cant serve two masters...and self - serving did NOT work out very well for me. Thank you for clarity. Thank you for connection. Thank you for love and support. Thank you for miracles. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my life. Thank you for me being me! I SO ROCK!!!! You do too!

Just checkin

Does it mean because I deeply enjoy and appreciate breaks from my two lovely toddlers...that I raise ALONE...mean that I'm a selfish mom?

My mom told me that I am selfish...and must be losing my mothering instincts. Sharp tongue, harsh words.

They hurt me.

Not so much because of what she said...but her intent.

Once she let me "know bout myself", she thanked herself for 'correcting' me and moved along to something else. While she spoke, I reminded myself of who I was...

And continued to enjoy my hiatus! Hmph!

You can be fake all you want with your mumbo jumbo... not even you were in this predicament, so tell me how you REALLY feel. Silly rabbit! Guilt is for kids! LMAO!

**Side note, a caller at my job just took 2 minutes to tell me what a wonderful and helpful person I was. She complimented my ability to make her feel at ease and better about her situation. I am deeply thankful for this. Because this is my whole purpose for being alive! And customer service is something I take an usually great pride in. I love customers, and they love me! Gotta love healthy and fucntional relationships!**

Now can we get those a bit closer? too much too soon? okay...I am thankful!

:D

Ode to my FAVORITE!

I see a vision of the life that I have secretly dreamed of. I say secretly, because I have long since abandoned the belief that I could have what I wanted. So often in life, I was told that I couldn't have what I wanted. I was either offered a consolation, which in my eyes never matched up to what I truly desired. Or I was told, "too bad, sad!....in life you dont always get what you want." which, I guess is a true lesson. However, I am observing in my life how that has translated:



I no longer acknowledge my desires anymore...



This has served several purposes. It has kept me from being hurt and disappointed from life. If I never acknowledge that I want something, then I dont try to have it. And If i never 'try' to get it...then when I dont... I cant be mad right?





WRONG!!



I have found myself in a curious situation lately, and I feel ill prepared on how to respond to it.

I have found the love of my life. A wonderful man who is EVERYTHING I could possibly think I want and MORE! His soul FITS in mine. Comfortably and perfectly. He is sincere, honest, loving, industrious, a great father, and understanding, strong, generous, open minded, our personalities EFFORTLESSLY mesh, we want the SAME THINGS out of life, and both agree that it would be lovely to pursue that together.

I have no doubts about his feelings and intentions for me. I always have doubts...but his presence, dispells them.

I trust him. I respect his decisions, his mind, his ambition...and he loves me enough to encourage me to strive for my best! And does what he can to assist me. Which is a whole helluva lot. I can DEPEND on him. And he wants me too! He wants to provide...and dammit, I want to be provided for!

I UNDERSTAND him and he, I. Our communication is SUPERB! And its just and 'easy' way of being!


He holds a very high image of me, and I feel that affecting my spirit in such a positive way. I can relax when I'm with him...and finally, I am starting to believe that my unworthy feelings are wrong... And that LOVE IS REAL!!!! Its not just other people who get to live and love, and just experience happiness. It can be me too!

For the last few months, I have been healing and purging. Cleansing and learning...and now I understand why...

He has come... And we have a job to do.

He is my friend, my partner, my love, my inspiration, my 'conscience', lol. He is so wonderful, and I am very thankful for him. I feel very gay saying this... I feel weak. I feel fear, and I feel like opening up to love may hurt me in the end.... but I feel LOVE and SUPPORT more than all those things.

No longer am I waiting to exhale...

I am breathing! ALIVE! And settling quite comfortably into the notion of being with him.

Is it too soon to hear the march, and see the dress? Hmmm....maybe. But its not too soon to know that I want to laugh with him, and talk to him, and just BE with him...forever. Its not too soon to know that we have that 'special' substance about us that makes life better. We bring out the best and help to heal the worst in each other.
And we do that without trying... it just IS.

I love... again. And its wonderful! :D

May we all have THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY EVER!!!!!

Keelah

Ramdomly Speaking to (you)

Thanks.
You are right.
I will try.
no...I will DO!
I love you.
Where that will lead? Who knows?
Someone does...
Not me!
Yes I do! And I will.

But...Thanks again.

Your truth is a healing to my soul.
I dont like to disappoint you.
So I will try harder not to.
I havent felt this way about someone ever....
Either you like it or you dont...never really mattered much...

NOW...it does. hmm curious!

You in-spire me to want to be better. I want you to be PROUD of me.
I wish I wanted to change, so that I would be proud of myself...

But, in this case, you will suffice.
Change is change right? Or is it?

Either way. I appreciate the fact that you are a DIRECT answer to an un-uttered prayer. I didnt even know God could go that deeply into my heart. But the fact that YOU are HERE...proves that he can and did! And the response is...

Eternal Gratefullness. YOu make me dream of better, higher, more real, LOVE!!

Finally, I dont have to look at others to understand what it means to have someone truly in your corner. I feel you hear, and I desire so desperately to use that support.

Please bare with me, while I acclimate to your intruding presence. I am used to being alone, fending for myself.

Yes...intruding is the word that I meant to use. *smile*

Shhhh! I like you!

Know better, do better, BE BETTER!

Yah!

Love is Amazing!

Random Thankfullness

I used to doubt that God really REALLY heard me. Because I expected that things would work out the way I saw fit. Well... lately, that has not been the case, but now that I am awake, I can see the perfection! I am in awe...again!

Due to economic times, and the recent dissolvement of my relastionship and just... life, I have been a bit less fortunate. I have fallen behind on bills, cried myself to sleep countless nights, wondering how the hell did Wakeelah end up in this predicament? As you can see, sometimes I really do think highly of myself. I'm much too smart to end up like this right? Well...whatever...here I am. And in this place, I learn what it means and feels like to have faith, to know that in the midst of the perfect storm, I can and will come out unharmed, unscathed and actually stronger than I was before. I learned the true meaning of humility, and how to appreciate the growing pangs that come with leaving your comfort zone and exploring a different 'style' of living. I am learning how to truly find myself, amidst all of the things that I thought was me...I am understanding responsibility, surrender, and compromise on a whole different level. I am learning that life may not look how we think it should, but by paying attention, the lesson will be CRYSTAL! The experience is always PERFECT for developing or revealing that elusive quality that we all strive for. I am living with an increased amount of peace and its wonderful! I am thankful...and the fruits of my acceptance:

A friend of mine gave me a beautiful Christmas Tree so that my children and I can actually have one this year!!! It even has decorations and lights and everythign to put on it!

I received countless gift cards to places from grocery stores, to dept. stores, to home stores so that I can improve, decorate and revamp my environments, myself and my family. I can even use them to buy a few gifts for people who I would otherwise have not been able to shop for.

I have a strong plan in place to pull us out of this financial situation...and my business plan is almost complete...and its looking REALLY OPTIMISTIC!! I even have my first client already!

My relationship with my kids dad is much better, now that we are 'friends'. Still feels strange, but I cant deny the amount of respect, laughter and lightness that accompanies our interactions nowadays...as opposed to constant complaints and 'sighs'!

My children are absolutely PERFECT in every way. They are well behaved, smart as ever, and they are genuinely GOOD PEOPLE! Yes...we made them!

My backbone is becoming more and more apparent and I love the way that I am forcing certain people in my life to adjust to 'how it is!"... I'm gonna smile, cuz I deserve to!

God is LOUD!!!! Not just a whisper or an afterthought...I am fully aware of our connection most of the time now!

I have friends!!! I am not sure how to trust them, or confide in them, or even how to utilize their presence in my life...but dammit!!! Ive got people in my life who REALLY REALLY care for me--as I am. I wonder would they still care if they knew.... SHUT UP VOICE! THEY DO!

I feel bummy on the outside, but absoluelty beautiful on the inside...because I really am blessed!

Sadness is as it is....

Today it is nonexistent, cuz I know who I am...and from whom my sustenance comes. Thank you!

Love Always and First!!

Keelah

Let me, let me UPGRADYA!

Lately life has been coming together in such a FABULOUS way! Life is still hard at times, overwhelming being a single parent and mentally draining as I transition from being sleepy and disconnected to waking up and taking full responsibility for this experience...but wonderful just the same.

I have been using tips and tools that I read about on other blogs or magazines and can honestly say the improvements are really great!

The last thing that I am able to work on is myself. Not just because it takes money to upgrade...but because it takes time, energy and a certain level of self knowledge...and most times I dont feel like I have enough.

Last night, after I put my little bundles of pure Energy to bed, I began straightening my home. The way you leave your home before you go to bed, is the way you will wake up to it!
I was blessing everything as I rearranged and purged clutter, I wondered would I ever get to look out at life and see my dreams manifest...I know I will, but sometimes I just dont see a way.
Then out of nowhere...I asked myself..."Self...what would a totally FABULOUS woman do if she woke up and found herself with your life?" When I looked at it from that perspective, suddenly things didnt look so bleak. As a matter of fact it looked ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC! When I looked at it from a higher perspective, I realized that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I have to just learn to appreciate it and 'work it!' as is.

I have a great(ish) place to live, I have good food to prepare and offer as nourishment to myself and family. I have a job that pays me to develop and use skills that will serve me well in all of my future endeavors. I have family that helps me to organize and maintain my life. I have friends, old and new, who help me to always see the best that life has to offer us, and helps me to be my best self. All of my relationships are improving, and for those that dont seem to be, the dialouge is much better! I feel more empowered, less overwhelmed, more beautiful, less stressed, more optimistic, less depressed. I feel like the possiblities for a GREAT life are endless!!!!

I can honestly say with certainty, that I AM BEING UPGRADED! Life has not changed externally so much yet, but the shift within is noticable and such a comforting thing!

My awareness is much greater, and my mind is much clearer and my energy less choppy and abrasive . I have a plan for work, and I'm working my plan! As a result, my children are more at ease, happier and more excited. The biggest and best thigng I could have done is decide not to wait on life to change....but to go on and CHANGE MY LIFE!

I am so thankful for the Lord literally answering each and every prayer that I have ever set before Him. My confidence in our relationship is more real and makes it easier for me to let go of some of the thoughts and behaviours that keep me bound to old played out ideas about myself and life in general.

I thank you for NEVER giving up on me, even when I flipped you the BIRD because I thought you didnt know what you were talking about. Our friendship is my most cherished and I am thankful to be one of your beloved. I am thankful for the children you are allowing me to raise for you. And I'm thankful for the extra love and support that you have offered my way, so that during the darkest and more frustrating moments of mommy-hood, I had the resolve to never give up. Stop, breathe, regroup and get back in there! I love you so much! words are never enough to express my gratitude for you helping me to elevate my mind, and evolve my heart...to be closer with you! You are my reason, my alpha and omega....and even when my my bottom lip pokes out and my defensiveness begins, I want you to always know that! You are appreciated! God you are the best!

A Love Affair....

I love me some me! I have been loving strong on my body...and its inherent femininity.
She is so beautiful, so soft...so womanly. The rolls on my back are bothersome most days, but not today. Today...they are just reminders, of where I have been less than loving to myself in the past. They now serve as indicators of my progress moving forward. YES I CAN.

My heart is in a perpetual state of unrest. But beneath, is the an unending supply of peace that comes from the knowledge that everything has a season...and I feel deep within the depths of my loins (do I have loins?) that my harvest is upon me. I feel that everything that will encourage me to feel whole and complete, loved and supported, strong and powerful, open and surrendered is on its way. It is seeking me with the same, if not more fervor that I am in seeking it. Quiet Excitement is the theme of life right now.

I am in a good space, where my 'flaws' are okay. Everything needs love...everything flourishes under its influence!!! Surely the things that I consider less than optimal about myself and my life are governed by this cosmic rule. Surely mySelf will benefit from love instead of my constant complaining.

I dont have much money, no clothes that I consider FABULOUS, no beautifully decorated home of my own, no distinct personal style, no nothing that I think would make life more 'sparkly'...but I do have myself. And in myself, in my unrefined form, lies infinite delicious possiblities...and thankfully I can feel the fullness today! I dont know how some days I am filled with despair, and then days like these I am able to compartmentalize that...well better yet, keep it in perspective, while acknowledging all the GOOD that exists EVERWHERE...but it is so...and for this I am so thankfull!

Oooh Today is such a succulent day!!!!

Today I am grateful...

I have been doing something called Rampaging...Its basically writing down things you are grateful for as often as you think about it. I am always amazed at how many things that tend to slip beneath the radar of my awareness on any given day. Usually I feel very good, but today I'm a lil slow on the uptake, so I will use rampaging to bring me back into focus.

I am thankful that my car is holding on long enough for us to get another one.
I am thankful that I have a job to go to, that I enjoy, am good at, and that pays me for my time spent away from my darling children.
I am thankful that I have a CLEAR vison of what I am creating in my life. There is no more muddy confusion about where I am going or how I'm going to get there. It is already done!
I am thankful for communication and acceptance. I am flirting with mastery (imo) in both arenas! Go me!
I am thankful that I am getting better at womanly things. Not perfect, but I am super appreciative for the apparent progress that I am seeing from paying more attention to feminine qualities.
I am thankful that my life is being recreated and I KNOW that when its all settled, it will be filled with true love, good friends, good times, and MUCH PAMPERING!
I am so thankful for Jesus. He really is my homeboy and is helping me to lift up, when I am tempted to feel down! Good looking Hay-seus! (inside joke, lol)
I am thankful for the moments in life where I am truly alive! When I am 'plugged in', I feel a part of the entire fabric of life, and it helps when I begin to feel lonely or chronically misunderstood.
I am thankful for the pain that I feel...it offers me a wonderful contrast for the joy that is emerging in my life! It keeps me humble and in this delicious state of thankfulness.
I am thankful that even though I have COMPLETELY fallen off the whole 'diet' wagon...my body is still striving towards homeostasis! Gotta love the natural flow of the universe. Always lifeward--NO MATTER WHAT!
I am thankful for the deepening of my spirit! I had been feeling pretty surface for a while, since I decided to put a happy face on everything. But in the moments in the still of the night, when its just me and God...I can release my 'organicness' and just be me...the totally un-cut, raw, stripped to my core...ME! We all need a space to feel ourselves on that level.
I pray for courage to live from that space, because while its often uncomfortable, it is always genuine...and TOTAL HONESTY and full disclosure of spirit is my only goal in life. To live as I am...straight, no chaser.
I am thankful for unconditonal love. It exists! Sometimes, I dont allow it, because it doesnt come from where I want it to...or look how I think it should. But I have it, and I know it!
I am thankful for friendship. I went a long time denying my need for friends, but without them, my life would be emptier, colder and less 'comfortable'. I anticipate the day when I can fully express to all of them how much they mean to me, without feeling so...weak.
All in all...Its all good! If you made it this far, thank you for listening. Much love!
Keelah

Daddeeeeee

I love my father. He was taught that a man should deny himself and all of his needs and WORK, WORK, WORK. By any means necessary. At the expense of time spent, love shared, anything. He retired and now, he has to LOOK at the life that his beliefs have created for him and its depressing. He doesnt eat, doesnt do anything. His response daily to my ,"How are you?" is ALWAYS, "The same as everyday" with much sadness. He has only one reason to live and thats to fulfill a commitment he made to his departed mom to look after his cousin. He makes the bus trip daily to sit with her as she is bedridden. His voice is fading, his drive to live almost gone. I fear that when she goes, he will too. He asked my son if he would 'REMEMBER GRANDPA'. That hurt me to my core. He is preparing us. He is telling us that he no longer wants to be here. And I dont know what to do. His life is teachig me so much about the nature of REAL LIFE. And I hurt because I cant 'change' his mind for him. But I would love to tell my dad, in a way that he can receive that its never to late to enjoy life! That your deepest innermost dreams deserve to become manifest! You dont have to settle for a a life surrounded by people who dont value or give you the love your heart desires! You are a wonderful person with wonderful gifts to share, and we LOVE YOU!! No matter what happened in your past, you are TOTALLY LOVABLE NOW! And honestly, we always have. It hurts me that you see no way out of the prison of your mind. I want you to be here to walk me down the aisle. I want you to bore your grandchildren with your stories on your SUPERB work ethic! I love you daddy! No strings attached. I dont want anything from you other than your presence and your happiness. You give so much and dare to ask for so little. I want to see you DEMAND your worth. I wish that all the things you have locked up in your body be FREE! If necessary, I am willing to miss you eternally for you to find that peace, as I know living here is hard. Please know that you taught me more than you could ever know! And I am always thankful for you! My sons will KNOW the great man that is their Grand Pie! Love Always,

Keelah

RA.N.TINGS!

Late last night...scrounged around for money to put gas in car. Found enough for a qtr tank....It rained.

Basment flooded, dont know how ALL my books are :(...Had to boil water to wash up in--ewww. Sigh...

Leave on time...find myself 16 miles in the wrong direction, in fog. Wasting gas.

Need to find payphone to call in. Stop at SIX payphones, miles apart, before I find one that works.

Leave angry message. I HATE MICHIGAN SUBURBS!!!!

Get here nearly 30 minutes late...weird vibe!

Hate this morning. Love this peace.

Thank you God for this calm behind my thoughts. growth is beautiful...AMEN!

Day 2

So far, so good. I didnt get hungry at all yesterday. I did have a headache for a little while, but discomfort is to be expected when your body begins to move all the 'gunk' out. Last night before bed, my face began to break out a bit, but was all gone when I woke up. My skin is smoother and my eyes are a bit brighter. My energy levels are up and rising. Today is a good day! I dont want to be obsessed with the scale since I am not doing this fast for weight loss, but I would be fake to ignore the tiny joy I found when I stepped on the scale and was 4 lbs. lighter!


My emotions, which were explosive yesterday are starting to mellow out a bit. I got stranded on the freeway after work yesterday, miles from an exit, no cell phone. Instead of panicking, I moved away from the smoking car and just leaned on the road and prayed. Within two minutes my angel appeared, and she sat with me. Offered me love and encouragement and called AAA and got my car towed to my dads house. My dad brought me to work today. My car should be up and running by the weekend. So I am super excited about that! Things are coming together...very nicely. Not in the way I would have guessed, but pretty good nonetheless. Have a great day!

One less thing!

I had visions of having a new kitchen, so I thought that I was maybe previewing my dream kitchen...well my landlord came by this morning and told me he is about to gut and rebuild my old kitchen. New cabinets, shelves, a whole NEW layout!!! AWESOME! One less thing.

I wanted to get my carpet cleaned, before my son starts crawling,...that comes with my lease renewal!!! One less thing.

My man is studying for his builders liscense. He is about to start a Home Improvment Company here in Detroit. But...saving for all of the tools he would need, was going to take a while...His uncle, who used to do Construction before his accident, offered to GIVE him all of his tools. And these are not cheap tools. Unc only bought quality things! One Less thing to worry about.

My car has been violently shaking, and I kept putting it off until I had a nice chunk of change to invest in the fix-up. Part of me knew that I was playing with fire, driving it that way, but I just dont have a lot of 'extra' cash right now...Took it to a shop (best shop in the world), found that it is not as bad as I thought. Got the most important thing fixed this morning, and the VERY AFFORDABLE remainder will be done next week. Then my car will be like new! One less thing.

And on top of that...I lost another 2 lbs, without effort. My goals and my actions are finally in alignment! And yes...it IS GOOD!

My son used the potty for his first number 2 today!!! So excited. Hate that I missed it, I came into work instead of sitting around the house for the remainder of the afternoon. Gotta save my vacation days for a real vacation! Which I am seeing in the horizon. Now I dont know how its going to happen, but I'm sure there is a way! So...I'll keep ya posted!


I want to SCREAM!!!!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But that will have to work!

The nicest thing EVER!!!

I have been pondering lately the breakdown of REAL face-to-face communication. And how it seems to be a lost art form. There are many ways in which this is evident, just take a look at ALL THE WAYS we can communicate. And the ways are ever increasing and expanding. I have been thinking that this trend is creating a very ungrounded population. I must admit, the thought of communicating with someone honestly face to face is something that intimidates me...but give me an instant messenger and I can express myself perfectly...the only real difference is the feeling of vulnerability is removed. I dont have to sacrifice the intimacy that comes with REAL LIFE CONNECTIONS. I have been craving connection like its oxygen. I am beginning to suspect it is MUCH more important than I give it credit for. Anyway...I was thinking that I want my children to grow up knowing their family...and since my childhood, we have all kinda dispersed. I mean we get together on random holidays, first births and I'm sure I'll see them at funerals, where we will all gather and speak the goodness of the person who we've not connected for years...but why it gotta be like that? Why cant we just really K.I.T?
I have two aunties...one of them was the "young" auntie, who listened to 80's hip hop and was the one I wanted to be, when I was younger. She was pretty, could cook and drove her 90 Cavalier Z24 with the radio FULL BLAST! I was SO pimped out shotgun! (of course now she is not remembering ANY of that!!! and she wishes those young kids would turn down their music) And my other aunt is the wise one. She is the one who is the 'healthiest' person I know. She knows home remedies and exactly what to do or say to bring you back down to earth. They have both been attempting to make contact with me lately. They come and visit my children and even brought groceries and home-made goodies for us! NOw this is A LOT! We dont talk much, but they are extending an invitation, and I am hesitant to take it. But in my heart I know I should...I mean they made me FOOD. And I fully understand what a personal and beautiful gesture that is. I mean for someone to offer you food they've cooked is nice, but for them to cook something with YOU in mind--almost brings tears to my eyes. It is so personal in this technical world. I feel loved, and worthy. Its beautiful. I think I'm going to grab that branch.

I'm Baaaaaaaack!!!

Okay...Yall know I suck right?? Cuz I have not a picture that I can put on the computer of my baby. But I had my son...FINALLY!!! Little Mr. Xavien (pronounced Zay-vee-in)Isaac was born on December 11th! He was 7 lbs, 8 oz. Born at 9:43 pm. I dont have the internet at home...there have been so many things I wanted to share with yall...and I'm bout to have a time going thru all of your blogs to see what has been going on with yall!!! I have been having some serious withdrawals! But you know what kind of withdrawals...I am NOT having...DRUGS! Why you ask??? Cuz I had natural childbirth!! NO PAIN MEDICATION AT ALL! Now if you read my blog...you KNOW that was NOT the plan! However, I guess God had a different plan, because the freakish turn of events left me in the MOST AGONIZING pain that I could have ever imagined! However...that experience was unlike any other. I know what it is to LABOR for love! Could I have lived my life without that??? YES! Would I change it? Not on your life. I have proved that there is nothing that I cannot do! I am TRULY A G! Well my one year old, has taken very nicely to being a big brother. He is so attentive to the baby, and even tries to comfort him when he cries. Its so sweet! I am so thankful, this holiday season has been magical. Christmas was great...lots of family...EVEN MORE FOOD! And no gestational diabetes...so I could load up on carbs as much as I wanted!!!!nd by the way...If anyone didnt know...BREASTFEEDING IS THE BOMB! It helped me avoid postpartum depression (as did the drug free birth, I believe) and I have lost 30 lbs already! I see why people breastfeed til their kids are five! lol NO I DONT! But I have been reading too many articles about it. Sorry...once a tooth starts to appear, ITS OVER! Done deal! Its not been long, but I am glad to be back at work. This is so gay...but I really missed yall...I have to check yall out now, so I'mm cut this short! Talk to you soon!

My LAST DAY!!!

Today is my last day at work until the NEW YEAR!!! I am so excited! I am going to get to play SAHM! I cant wait! My son is so fun to be with...and now I'm not gonna be all tired from working all day to play with him. I'm not going to get paid...and that SUCKS! But...I am still very excited. I just have to budget well...especially with the holidays coming around. I'm so glad my children are too little to care about what they get or dont get for Christmas!! I know this wont last very long. So I'm fully going to take advantage of it now! We are decorating for our children the first time this year...so that will be exciting as well. I feel so grateful for this opportunity. I had hoped that I would get the chance to rest before our second child came and re-flipped the script on us. And I will. My man finally came back and just in time...my ankles dont appreciate me bearing all my weight on them anymore! Yay! Happy Thursday! :)

The first day of November!!!

I am so excited!!! I have 14 days until maternity leave!!!! Party ova here! I cant wait...cuz my mind is GONE!! I forget everything...keep making mistakes that are just funny, but that tends to happen at this point in the game. My last day is going to be November 15th!!! Hopefully I dont deliver before then. Of course that is a chance...because baby is pretty much fully developed now. I'm hoping that I at least get a few days to just chill with my family and calmly transition from being a mommy of one to a mommy of two! This is going to be AWESOME!!! My man is back...and I am enjoying him immensely! Too bad bout the pelvic rest...he has definately earned a little action...but doctors orders!! OH well...time will come soon enough. I try to pray for patience...but my druggy ankles, and my expanding waist, says HURRY Up! I need to buy more maternity clothes...but I dont want to so close. I have, however been buying clothes for after delivery. Cuz I have slipped so far off the girly-girl radar-- Gotta get in MILF status, like RIGHT after delivery! No exceptions!! Well hope November is wonderful for everyone! I know its going to be GREAT for us! :) Well talk to you sooner than later! Wooooo-hooooo! I want to SCREAM! Life feels so good today! So thankful!

I am NOT my family!

Why oh WHY is this concept so DIFFICULT for me to really accept??? My family is great (in their own little way). I mean...who doesnt have things about their family that they wish were different? But you grow up...try to learn to stop blaming them...accept responsiblity for your own life...and blah blah blah. But I had a reveleation in the shower. I still live a LOT, and when I say lot,I mean LOT!!!! of my life based on what I THINK my role was or is in my family. Its the weirdest thing ever...Some things that I remember coming natural to me...FEEL so foreign now, because after years of ridicule (that apparently I havent released) I am almost ashamed to let parts of myself BE FREE! I thought my mom was in the shower with me...saying I was taking too long because I was shaving my legs and using my loofah...and adding my Oil of Olay body lotion. I heard her voice...saying "Why are you doing all that?" and "You are taking too long...Don't nobody care about all that".

But I do.

I almost hurried myself up...until I realized, Thank GOD!, I was in the shower alone...and that voice was just a ghost of my PAST! It was the craziest thing ever...because...it was then that it REALLY HIT MY AZZ IN A POTENT WAY! I am NOT my family. Never have been...I like aromatherapy, yoga, energy work. I own more books than movies...and I prefer it like that. I shave hairy things...I bathe for the hell of it! I used to spend hours "experimenting" with my hair. Yep! Just to pull it back in a ponytail the next day, but...Hey!? I can also stare at myself in the mirror for HOURS...you never know when you may need a certain "look". I set moods in my room...JUST FOR ME! I practice putting on my clothes sexily...haha shhhh dont tell nobody! BTW NO that ISH does NOT work being 8 months pregnant! Almost broke my damn neck this morning! :) But all in all, the point is...that I am NOT necessarily doomed to live out the character that I grew up playing. I can be ME! ALL DAY LONG! :D

I cried and cried some mo yesterday...

And it felt so good. So much has been going on...so intense to me that I chose not even to blog about it. I just didnt feel like actually complaining and then complaining some more. Complaining is so draining...and I already am spread thin. To summarize...my man doesnt understand that I NEED him to come back. He thinks we should move along with the original plan. That hurt. My mother decided that she doesnt want to watch my son anymore, cuz he cried too much...That HURT. (She even tried to play the victim-to a TEN month old!) I am probably going to return to work after my baby is born...Sadness...but when I cried yesterday...I felt myself trying not to let it out...or to cry all cute and shit! But then I just let them flow. I let the hurt consume me...beyond the point of overwhelment. I let it take over my whole body...And then I prayed. And to my surprise...instead of praying for the pain to be taken away...my prayer was simply, "I thank you God, for my tears mean I am alive. I feel hurt...but I grateful for my life." Mid-cry...I wondered...where that came from?? Cuz I swear I was thinking...I dont want to feel this...but I guess for a moment...I was able to just be okay with how things were. My feelings were hurt...I felt victimized, confused, offended...and downright angry. And instead of pretending like I had it all together...I just sat with the fact that I dont...and since I knew nothing better to do...I just wept. Shit...wasnt nothing else to do. My life is not changed...but things are not as bleak as they once seemed. My friends husband has volunteered to watch my son, while I'm at work. And this is a new friend. Thank God for them. They are AWESOME yall! I am not satizfied...but not as uncomfortable as I once was. I am not where I want to be...but THIS is where I AM....so...I can deal with that. Come to think of it...I think a few months ago...I might have prayed for this. Well not THIS! But I remember praying to be developed...and used by God..and all this other ish...that I SO thought meant something else. I guess you cant ask for your lessons to come in a specific way...cuz I WOULD NOT have asked for this. But I know I am growing...and being pushed to grow and confront about every fear that I could possibly have. So if growth doesnt come from this...let me not think like that...that is SUCH an impossiblity! Hope all is well!

Match Made In Heaven

I am so blessed...and I am sure that God perfectly matches children and their parents. Cuz my boy is SO AMAZING! He is only 8 months...but he is fiercely independent. He loves to eat, and tries so hard to feed himself. He prefers forks to spoons (because he already aware that forks grab BIG foods...spoons pick up mush--and mush is for babies with NO teeth, not little men with TWO!). He sleeps well and all through the night! Many a parent is envious of that! HA HA! He doesnt like his diapers and takes them off ALL THE TIME! I know the feeling...when I'm at home...I prefer to be al-fresco also! He knows that when he practices keeping his pimp arm strong and slaps the dog shit out of someone....that a smile and an innocent face rights all wrongs. He knows that he can trust me to keep his sly and knowing smile that emerges later just between us. 'Cept that time he slapped me...didnt like that so much. He is so affectionate...something that he teaches me about daily. He feels you out...and if you're good people you will rewarded with the world's warmest hug! If not...you will know. Try again when your colors are correct. He practices his vocabulary daily...da-da, ma-ma, ba-ba and ya-ya--an occasional gan-ma...and his famous "huh?" when his name is called. He is just so smart and PERFECT! And the most perfect thing about him...the way he loves. I know he remembers how un-swift I was on the mommy thing...but he was patient and encouraging and supportive. And when I got it right...he smiled at me the way that only perfection can and let me know he is proud. The same smile that I gave him the first time he snatched his own bottle and took matters into his own hands cuz I was taking too long. I love my Miah Man...and I cant wait for us to meet his little brother. They are a pair of perfection and I am so thankful that I was chosen to be their mom. Love.