I cried and cried some mo yesterday...

And it felt so good. So much has been going on...so intense to me that I chose not even to blog about it. I just didnt feel like actually complaining and then complaining some more. Complaining is so draining...and I already am spread thin. To summarize...my man doesnt understand that I NEED him to come back. He thinks we should move along with the original plan. That hurt. My mother decided that she doesnt want to watch my son anymore, cuz he cried too much...That HURT. (She even tried to play the victim-to a TEN month old!) I am probably going to return to work after my baby is born...Sadness...but when I cried yesterday...I felt myself trying not to let it out...or to cry all cute and shit! But then I just let them flow. I let the hurt consume me...beyond the point of overwhelment. I let it take over my whole body...And then I prayed. And to my surprise...instead of praying for the pain to be taken away...my prayer was simply, "I thank you God, for my tears mean I am alive. I feel hurt...but I grateful for my life." Mid-cry...I wondered...where that came from?? Cuz I swear I was thinking...I dont want to feel this...but I guess for a moment...I was able to just be okay with how things were. My feelings were hurt...I felt victimized, confused, offended...and downright angry. And instead of pretending like I had it all together...I just sat with the fact that I dont...and since I knew nothing better to do...I just wept. Shit...wasnt nothing else to do. My life is not changed...but things are not as bleak as they once seemed. My friends husband has volunteered to watch my son, while I'm at work. And this is a new friend. Thank God for them. They are AWESOME yall! I am not satizfied...but not as uncomfortable as I once was. I am not where I want to be...but THIS is where I AM....so...I can deal with that. Come to think of it...I think a few months ago...I might have prayed for this. Well not THIS! But I remember praying to be developed...and used by God..and all this other ish...that I SO thought meant something else. I guess you cant ask for your lessons to come in a specific way...cuz I WOULD NOT have asked for this. But I know I am growing...and being pushed to grow and confront about every fear that I could possibly have. So if growth doesnt come from this...let me not think like that...that is SUCH an impossiblity! Hope all is well!