Do I want too much?

When the vision that you hold for your life and your actual life dont add up...

Is it the vision that is faulty or it me??

I dont like to complain, but that is all I seem to be able to do lately. I dont know what else to do. I REALLY dont! Its like... I want to be who I KNOW myself to be...but then my life gets in the way...and I remain who I've always been. Two days late and many $$$'s short!

I understand certain things pretty easily. My choices, my life...but when I try to make good of some of the choices that I made...its not so easy to pivot.

Due to not thinking of the future, I have created a present that is really putting the squeeze on my spirit. I am cognizant enough to recognize this, but not resourceful enough to get OUT of it.

This too, shall pass. I know that. I truly do! But knowing does not seem to be the key out of it. What am I missing?

No, seriously. If you know...please help. I try... I dont fail, perse, just dont seem to advance much either.

I am a good person. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great mom. I know that. Because I work at it.
I am a great receptionist. I know that. I dont work much at it. I just like customer service.
But as far as life goes...I'm just not so good at it. I see other people...and I KNOW that they are no different than me...but damn it if it doesnt seem like favor is just missing me lately.

I am breaking thangs, and losing thangs, I lost my cell phone again the other day. I dont wanna live this way no...In the back of my mind I hear (india arie) saying...Slow down baby, youre going too fast. You got yo hands in the air, with your feet on the gas. Youre bouta wreck your future, running from your past. You need to slow down baby.

Hmmm...that song is always playing in my mind now....but If I slow down any furthur...that will be a comatose state. I am at a standstill. Terrified on how to proceed. Afraid of making similar mistakes that I've made in my past. Afraid that If I fail again, its my boys that I am affecting. My failure doesnt hurt me so much anymore. It does, but only because I dont want to let down my boys. They are the best part of waking up!!! and the only reason why...I even accept reason. Because seriously...

I should be so much more by now. I should be better than I am. I know too much, and believe too strong...

But here I am. Just me. And still not good enough. wtf God?? what the FUGGGGGGG?

I need...still

I need rejuvenation of my mind, body and spirit.
I need my soul to be magnified and expressed purely and potently through my experience of life.
I need this heaviness in my abdominal cavity to be cleansed and released!

I need this brain fog to clear so that I can SEE!

I need for my burdens to be lifted, so that I may move about in the fashion that is most beneficial. I feel stuck. I feel a constipation of spirit, if you will. I know its there. I KNOW IT IS. Cuz it is...but how the hell do you get it to come out??? I need an essence laxative.

My life depends on it. My health depends on it. My sanity (whats left) depends on it.

Whatever this is... me no likey! I need to remove the restrictions, but they are invisible and I just dont know how...

I really could use some life tools. Sigh... cuz its not working... This is why people run from life, because staying here and looking at it...SUCKS! Running doesnt do much either...but I want to scream. I want to cry. But...I cant...my tears wont fall, so they cant dry.

Just checkin

Does it mean because I deeply enjoy and appreciate breaks from my two lovely toddlers...that I raise ALONE...mean that I'm a selfish mom?

My mom told me that I am selfish...and must be losing my mothering instincts. Sharp tongue, harsh words.

They hurt me.

Not so much because of what she said...but her intent.

Once she let me "know bout myself", she thanked herself for 'correcting' me and moved along to something else. While she spoke, I reminded myself of who I was...

And continued to enjoy my hiatus! Hmph!

You can be fake all you want with your mumbo jumbo... not even you were in this predicament, so tell me how you REALLY feel. Silly rabbit! Guilt is for kids! LMAO!

**Side note, a caller at my job just took 2 minutes to tell me what a wonderful and helpful person I was. She complimented my ability to make her feel at ease and better about her situation. I am deeply thankful for this. Because this is my whole purpose for being alive! And customer service is something I take an usually great pride in. I love customers, and they love me! Gotta love healthy and fucntional relationships!**

Now can we get those a bit closer? too much too soon? okay...I am thankful!

:D

How could you? How could you say something like that to me?

A joke? Is that what that was supposed to be?

I'm a funny girl, with an AMAZING sense of humor.... that ish was NOT funny. NOT ONE LITTLE BIT!

Am I being too sensitive? Again???

Maybe, just maybe...I'm not too sensitive. Ever think that its you thats too harsh?

Or maybe...its just another misunderstanding...

I know you wont ever read this...but feel this babe....

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!

Ding! You know what to do after that!

Intimacy and Fear

Intimacy. What is it? I know what it feels like. It feels close, warm and safe to me. It feels lovely, like I am being held and trusted with something sacred and honest. My mind is filled with images of connection and love and sharing and joy, but at the thought of intimacy, my mind is filled with fear, anxiety and I'mma be truthful SHEER TERROR!!

What ifs start to happen. What if I allow someone close to me and they poke my most sensitive parts. What if it hurts too bad? What if I cant keep recovering from the hurt? What if its not just hurting me, what if its DAMAGING me?

What if they mock me, or make fun of me and my humanness? What if they abandon me, or worse yet...reject me for being me. What if I'm not good enough to sustain any real relationships?

With thoughts like these, its a wonder I had any relationships at all! I am exhausted. But its a good exhaustion. God is working on me something serious. No longer is it okay to have an idea, and just let time and excuses push it to the wayside. God is EXPECTING things from me! hahah me??

I said, "Wow, wouldnt it be nice to run a 5K?" His answer, "It is AWESOME! Now what are you going to do to MAKE it happen?"
My actions--found a race that was at least 8 weeks away. I practice calisthetics daily and run 3x per week, per the couch to 5K training program. The race is April 25. I will be there. RUNNING!!

I said, "It would be nice to have my own business where I could work from home, doing something I love and getting to spend more time with my kids, while having more control over our financial future" His response, "It will be GREAT! I have been waiting for you to know that and believe that your dreams are possible for you"
My actions--I completed my business plan, have my business name registered in my county. Getting computer upgraded and am purchasing my final office supplies next weekend. My website information is all typed up, just have to register my domain name and begin building.


I said, "Wouldnt it be lovely to live a life that is customized just for me? To have loving and healthy functioning relationships, rest, fun and adventure, learning and abundance?" His response..."Yes!"
My action. Not waiting for anyone else to give me permission. This is a difficult step, because I believe somehow that i need to pay with a certain amount of struggle and suffering before I deserve to be happy. I feel that I need to 'pay my dues' in order to live a joyfull life. But I have accepted an invitation to go to ATL. with a friend of mine for her birthday in two weeks. I am going to go on a MUCH NEEDED vacation yall! Lord knows I could use it. I intend to heal myself. Let myself relax, recharge and rejuvenate.


Every day there is a person or circumstance that stands out to me, not because of who they are, but because of the gifts they bring to me. Every kind word, or thoughtful observation hides within it a message for my soul. Come forth and live your life! You are the only one that can do it. You are the only one who knows your deepest needs and truest desires. Be not afraid of imagined prosecution. Be not afraid of the 'thoughts' of failure. They have no strength, lest you give them yours. Be not afraid to stand firm on this earth and accept your divine inheritance. There is no glory in playing small. NONE. So, Kill dat! K?

Dead!

Peace

Questions

Will it always hurt so bad?

Will I ever be able to look at you and not feel failure and rejection?

Will I ever smile, and be thankful about how things worked out?

Will you ever come and tell me that you love me? And I feel it?

Will I ever be able to stop telling myself "Its okay"....?

Does the pain ever lessen or will it continue to hide for weeks at a time, only to resurface at the strangest, most embarrassing moments?

Do you miss 'us' as much as I do?

Will my children blame me?

Will anyone ever be able to love me?

Can I stop crying now?

Why cant I just 'get over it' like you have?

Why does heartache feel so 'personal'...I know its not...but I feel that I am the only one who feels this way?

Why does the thought of being a part of your past...tear my heart to shreds?

Why am I still here? Its been MONTHS!!!

Hand me downs...

Life sucks!!!

I got an email that read...Who sets the standards that you live by? This is a question that not many people in my world ask. Me being me...I have and do! REGULARLY! I need answers, because my mind creates in me an endless amount of questions. Always has. Hopefully always will.


I look at a few of my loved ones...and I realize that they are WONDERFUL! They really are. But I have noticed over the course of my life, that more than not...they are not free. And THAT is why my apparent freedom was met with so much resistence growing up. They didnt want to stifle my creativity. They didnt set out to 'kill' the very essence of the thing that made me, who I am. They simply were passing along a set of "RULES" that they were taught, and couldnt understand how I didnt accept them as easily as they obviously had.

I am not built to just ingest everything I'm fed. It wreaked havoc during my childhood. It made me seem rebellious, when I was simply making decisions based on what was in my heart...not fed into my mind. I 'thought' about what was real. I felt inside when I didnt know the answers. My natural proccesses are tools that actually serve me well and I was bascially brought up in a world, where adults told me they knew more than me, so I should simply get with the program! I conformed to the extent that I had to to ensure survival, but my soul was NOT HAPPY about it.

I say all this to say, that work til you die, or retire (same thing) was something that was drilled into my head.
Never call off, vacations are for the weak.
Sacrifice yourself and anything resembling YOU,for your children.
Please those around you, it will make people like you.
Speak when spoken to...be seen and not heard.
Wear your hair long and straight. (men like that)
Sit like a lady. (lol)
Dont wear a ponytail every day...what kind of man will want that?
Appearances dont matter...(huh?)
Keep this clean (dont you want a husband one day?--there were plenty of these, usually from unmarrieds...hmmmm???)...

The messages I received about dont you want a husband one day confused my young mind the most, because usually in the same breath I would hear: "Black men aint shit!" or "Your daddy dont care about us!"
I would hear how my grandaddy predicted the AWFUL day, which of course was right on time for my generation, when women would not be able to depend on their men! Women would have to do it all. And in my family...so they did! And as a good 'follower', so do I!

I accepted at a young age that I would be a single parent, and I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that that contributed to the events that play out in my life today. I am fulfilling the prophesy that was spoken over my young eager mind, so long ago. I couldnt rebel against everything.

I realize that what you speak over your children MOLDS them. I am thankful for this knowledge. I speak nothing but affrimatives for my children. Everything I fear for them (and there are plenty), I affirm the TRUTH. NOt my truth, because I see a lot of "my truths" are janky hand-me-downs. I affirm the HIGHEST TRUTH that my mind can imagine. Because even though I fell off for a good part of 20 years, I KNOW that I am here for a reason...and I know that the way I am in the deepest parts of me, has a big role to play in that.

I am thankful for the experiences that I have had. All of the seeming opposition and failures, heartbreaks and tribulations actually strengthened me...not killed me as I believed yesterday. I am still here...and I still believe in LOVE! Even in the midst of the darkest storm. I know that what I think and how I dream has a DIRECT effect on the life I live! And ultimately the way my children will allow themselves to think and dream. I love life! And this is NEW again, to me. I dont have to live the life that anyone else chose for me. I may have when I was 10, but I dont know. And I wont. I am ALIVE!!! And I am AWARE! And that mechanism in me that drives me to strive for the best is once again functioning at a working level. I am on my way back...Thank GOD!!!

How FULL is your life?

This is a question that I am being forced to ponder. I have a pretty full life. I am a woman, a black woman at that. I have a black man. I have two young sons. I work full time. I have housework, grocery duty and the task of being the best me that I can be, so that I can lead my world by example. That sounds pretty daunting to me. Why? Because my world is already small, and all the 'hats' that I have to wear makes it feel even more constricted. I have NO SPACE for myself half the time. When I do decide to 'accept' time for myself, I feel a tinge of guilt. I feel guilty because I work full time and then have the AUDACITY to need time alone. Having a family hasn't changed who I am very much though. I still need time to be alone. With God. With my thoughts, with my soul. I find it hard to feel my own energy when I'm around other people. Always have, so I seek that time. I NEED it!

Anyway, I have been communing a lot lately, about my life. The quality of it and how I would like to change. And the answer I received was GIVE OF YOURSELF. I laughed this off. I dont feel I have much to give. I mean, I give all that I have to my job and family. And occasionally, I give to me, but not very often. The message was repeated and I still played like I didnt understand. So God sent me an angel to explain what it means to give of yourself. I met a guy today who runs a soup kitchen in Detroit. We talked endlessly about the human condition, and about what small things we are so ungrateful for on a daily basis. I thought of how often I appreciate the 'little things' in life and thought smugly to myself, "Thats not me!". But when I thought about it, yes it is! I am stingy. I am stingy with my love, attention, affection and time. The person most affected? Not just my children, my man, my family...but MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I cheat everything and everyone in my life, by not filling my days with what fills my soul. I complain (to myself and God) about the things I dont have, accomplishments I have yet to achieve, personal demons that I need to overcome, but I hardly ever sit in thankfullness for all of the things that I do have. And to actually help those with less than I have, is such a novel idea, but one that I have yet to act upon.

I had to sit down and really re-evaluate what is REALLY important to me. I thought it was having a healthy, happy family. Being a successful business owner. Having a fab home, friends, social calendar. But none of that is as important as being a complete individual (if that makes sense). And I dont really believe that is somethign you can 'think' about for too long, as I have been. Either you act on your inner impulses, or you dont. When you do live from that space, I suspect life is good. When you spend your life thinking about it...not so much. The feeling of not sharing your soul is pain. It comes in many forms: frustration, depression, low self-esteem, poor boundaries, disconnected feeling, but all in all, PAIN sums it up. I am ready to enlarge my territory. It has not served me well to keep my self so closed off from this world.

I am human, after all! Happy Friday!!

So much for mellowing emotions...

I pride myself on being able to hide my emotions. I have a smug appreciation for being angry but only allowing it to gently seethe out of my body. How very well 'kept'. My elders would be proud. Hmmm? Well that is NOT NORMAL! It feels what I call painful. I am angry. I am looking at my life and it is not satisfying on a deep level. It is okay from the outside loooking in, only thing is...I am on the inside looking out and I want to die. Apparently. I feel like I am suffocating in this role I am playing. I continuously stifle myself to fit into the boxes that I deem necessary for this life, and I dont feel good about it. I am afraid that all these feelings are going to burst out of me in a very unhealthy way, as not eating has my thoughts and feelings in the forefront of my mind...and when they come, they come with such intensity that I stop breathing to keep them from exploding at an inappropriate time. If there is anyone out there, expect for my pscyoticness to become even more prominent now. I am going to free myself of this zoo of monkeys on my damn back if it kills what I think I am. Critical Mass is being approached, rapidly. I am finally more miserable than I can cover up. I hate this feeling. I crave release but I fear what I will be left with in life if I do. Hiding is no longer a desirable way to deal with life. I yearn to live. Honestly and deeply. I know that I will be in a much better position if I could get whats stuck...out. But I'm also full of what ifs?

What if no one likes the new honest me?
What if people laugh at my emotions?
What if people continue treating me the way that they are accustomed to?
What if I have to leave key players in my life behind, in order to move forward in life?

These sound pretty stupid once I see them, but they are very strong and very powerful inside of me. It is my desire to live like 'I dont give a fugg what anyone thinks of me'...In reality, I care. I care a great deal. I want everyone to like me and I want everyone to feel comfortable enough to be REAL around me. I guess I cant be real in a fake world. Hmmmm? More shit to sift through. Its all good. I am being made aware of this faultiness for a reason...Hopefully I am having my last kiss goodbye!

Getting my ass beat again...

Fast Forward. I am 12 years old. I had a little middle school boyfriend. We will call him Joe. Because that was his name. We used to 'go together'. It was nothing serious at all...until he wanted to have sex...that wasnt even on my radar. We broke up or stopped talking, whatever you want to call it. He went on to 'talk to' my friend Brandi. She was very pretty, very curvy, a popular kid because of that. She was a very innocent type of girl though. However, the combination of those attributes made her a hot commodity in the middle school circuit.

I dont remember feeling any ill feelings towards her about breaking the code. Probablyl because I didnt even know a code existed. I was however, a bit perturbed that she told me that Joe didnt even acknowledge that we used to kick it. I wondered why? But it passed whatever, I was young and those things were really unimportant to me. One day, Joe came up to me and said he missed me. He said that Brandi was pretty but he really wanted me back. He missed our conversations. So...naturally I told Brandi...because she was my friend, he on the other hand wasnt shit! Well the next day at school as I walking through a crowded hallway I saw him marching towards me with fury in his eyes. Immediately, I felt that familiar panic. I knew this wasnt good. He asked me why I told Brandi those lies. I saw her cowering in the hallway behind him, avoiding my eye contact. I looked him square in the face and said, "I didnt lie". And so he hit me! Right in the hallway in front of everyone. And then proceeded to put me in the headlock and keep punching me in my side and gut. Background noise was just that...I couldnt BE-LIEVE this was happening!! I also remember noticing that my friend Brandi was nowhere to be seen. When the bell rung, he let me go and the chaos cleared. I went into science class and I heard people talking about it. "I'm okay...it was nothing" was what I said. Humiliation is what I felt. And hurt that my friend didn't even come to my defense. She told me she was afraid. "Afraid of what??" I thought. He wouldnt hit his precious Brandi! Sigh...but alas. Here I was again, being attacked...with noone to come to my defense.

The beliefs that I have because of these two events alone are:

I am not good enough.
I am out here all alone.
I cannot trust my friends.
Telling the truth attracts punishment.


I'm sure I was supposed to learn to depend on myself. To be able and willing to defend myself in times of need. To not have expectations of others just because I have them for myself. But I was young...and I took the experiences with the wisdom of a young child. And now they are locked in my consciousness as victimization. And I honestly for the VERY LIFE of me dont know the 'technical workings' of getting them out. Or changing them for the better.

I am crippled by outdated beliefs, but I dont know how to change them, in a meaningful way. Sigh...well just anotha day...blasting to the past!

Memories

Well it seems that I will be going down memory lane again. As I cant avoid it. I have been asking questions regarding how I got here in my life. Where did I develop some of the beliefs that I have, and usually when I get really really quiet a scene will begin to play itself in my mind. My mind starts to recall things in detail and I feel the urge to write. Normally I would write in my at home journal...but here I am.

The place in time- Summer 1989
My age-9.5

The scene-walking home from school with my best friend and a group of her friends.

I always felt like the dark outsider looming over the 'pretty girls' life. I loved my best friend. With all my heart and soul. I loved so hard back then. I loved her and even though she treated me differently when other people were around, I accepted it for what it was. My friend acts weird sometimes. I loved her still. This particular day, I was tagging along when a group of big boys (probably around 8-10 years old) came and started to harrass us, as little boys do. I remember pleading to myself, "Please dont mess with me". Well of course they horsed around with a few of the girls and then one of them came and bumped me. You know the old school bump, to let someone know its about to go down. I remember hoping that someone would come to my defense, how they always did with my best friend. But you know what? Noone did. The guy slapped me SMOOOVE across my face. I am not a fighter by nature. I did not want to fight...even after that. But the heat on my face said...ITS ON! So I began to swing on him, the best my little arms could. He hit me, pushed me, picked me up and tossed me to the ground repeatedly. The entire group of girls and boys made a big circle around us, and all I could hear was their screams. I dont know what they were saying, but I know that noone even tried to help. The boys were being really rough with me and I was scared for my safety. I remember trying to run up on the porch of one of the girls and the boy pulled my legs and dragged my body down the stairs. I just checked for the scar...it finaly faded. I remember wondering what it was about me that made people pick on me. I had popular friends, was nice to pretty much everyone...but out of a group, it was always me. I remember being so embarrased and sad. When they tired of me, I was left to pick up my books, which were spewn all around the yard. I believe someone helped me pick up my books. Where were you while I was getting my ass beat though? Someone also said, "But you held your own..." WTF???

If you are wondering, yes I still hung with them after that. No I dont remember it being talked about, but the shame and embarrasment and un-sureness of my worth that I felt that day still lives in me. I still wonder...What is wrong with me? What kind of scarlet B (for bitch) do I have on my chest? Why would anyone want to hurt me? I love you.

Responsibilty

My name is Wakeelah. In Arabic, it means a responsible leader (according to mom). It means a worker for God, (according to gas station man). I choose to believe that it is a mixture of both. Growing up, I loathed that my name wasnt Tiffany, or Kimberly--something normal. Why? does my name has to mean something? And why oh why does my mom bring it up whenever she needed some type of leverage. When my room was junky..."You are supposed to be a responsible L-E-A-D-E-R! How can you do that with a junky room?" I have heard variations of this over the years, enough times to last for the rest of EVER!

Well the older I get, the more I find its easy for me to live up to that name. And yesterday I found my reason why. I have a purpose. During prayer on Sunday, it occured to me that I am good at making things functional and pretty. Those are two 'gifts' that I possess. I sometimes discount them because they come so naturally to me, but they truly are energies that have served me very well over my short life so far. It behooves me to accept and exploit them even! They are wonderful qualities to have. And I have the responsiblity to express them every chance I get.

We are all one. When I make things beautiful, I am an artist. I get to express a side of myself that I dont normally get to see, and I give permission by admission for others to do the same. When I am scared to stand up for myself, I add to the fear in the world. I am done with that! It doesnt work. And I'm out of the business of trying to continue doing things that dont work. They.dont.work! Sounds simple, but lots of us do that every day. And still have the nerve to be frustrated that things are still the same.

My mom has been 'losing weight' for as long as I can remember. Her story has always been the same. I dont want to be skinny she says with disdain. As if being skinny is a disease. (This hurt especially when I was skinny) She says, "I just want to lose my gut!" I offer her helpful tips that I have come across (since I have lost 11 lbs. the hard way), and she immediately rebuffs them, without even giving them a chance! I understand the obese mentality...I do! Me of all people knows, but if you say you want something and your habits lead you in the opposite direction, then why be upset when you dont ever get what you want? Why pretend to have all this faith in God? The Lord knows what I need. Lots of people lean on God like that. Yes he knows what you want and need. But most times, in my experience, he doesnt just send the object of your desire to your doorstep! He gives you many ways, people, circumstances that MOVE you in the direction that you CLAIM you want to go.

Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. I had a list, and I didnt plan on deviating from that list. I am making myself adopt discipline as a rule. I got lots of fresh fruits and veggies, fish, water and other goodies. Because I am losing 10 lbs. this month!!!!!! My mom resisted my choices as if my buying healthful food for my family was offending her in some way. She went on and on about how healthy her doctor said she is, depsite the fact that she eats fast food 6 out of 7 days of the week. She says and I quote, "My body seems to run better on junk food!" Thats when I realized...I am not just making improvements for myself, my man and my children. I am being an example for my whole family! The weight of the world was on my shoulders for a split second, before I decided to step up me game and be up for the challenge.

For the first time in a long time, I realized I am not alone. I am not alone in my struggles, and I wont be alone in my triumph. I will encounter resistence, and it may be from those I love most, but thats okay! Since I expect it...I will be prepared for it. I can handle it. I will continue to move TOWARD my goal. I owe it to myself, my family, and my community to do so. I am finally ready to take responsiblity, OUT LOUD for the condition of my life! I am so excited!

Mood: Fired up! and I'm feeling it! ;)

Forgotten Memories

I am a student of life. I love my mind and THE MIND! I am obsessed with humanity and its corresponding spirituality. I can clearly see the connection between the two, in a lot of places that most people I encounter cannot. It used to haunt me, but now I can accept it. Problem is...and this is serious. I wanted to blog about it in depth, but I am really not sure where to go next with this, so I will just keep it pretty general.

This past sunday after a wonderful weekend, of spending time with family, baking brownies with sister and just having fun, I journaled early in the AM. It is my favorite time, Sunday mornings, because they are lazy and my man and children are asleep and God can have me to Herself. :) I walk around, sipping water, REALLY paying attention. Just enjoying the moment that I am in with no noise, no distractions. Well after yoga and a healthy breakfast and light cleaning (yes I have been on top of it! House stays neat!) I sat down at my computer for a little free-writing. I started to ask God about the guilt that I feel. I am always feeling guilty for something in my life. Whether it be saying yes, when I want to say no or visa versa. I feel guilty for not wanting to always k.i.t with my fam. I feel guilty for not being MORE than I am sometimes. Some is warranted, most is irrational. So I decided to ask God for help. As I have finally reached critical mass, and am ready to let go of it.

What came next distrubed me. Now if you are a writer, then I'm sure ther are times where words just seem to flow out of you. With you as the watcher. Well I had one of those times. I sat there watching the screen for what would come next...as I truly had NO IDEA! I wathced my fingers as they deftly and efficently typed NONSTOP for seven pages. SEVEN full pages were typed. And in them a revelation that SHOOK up my world. I had typed, IN DETAIL, an occurence that happened to me as a little girl. While I typed, I saw images of things. Clear as if I were in the day. I saw my little girl legs, I saw my clothes, I knew my surroundings, though they were vague. I saw my mothers face as a young woman, probably a little younger than I am. I saw what she wore. I heard what she thought. I had an awareness that was above and beyond that of a child, but at the same time, I was aware that I was infact a youngun!

I am afraid. I dont know what to do. Because what I wrote, if spoken with my mouth could shake up my ENTIRE FAMILY! I have reason to believe that a person who I grew up with pretty closely, did something he didn't have any business. And after reading this back to myself I was shocked. In these pages were insights that I have never known. But they were so vivid and so clear and so FAR from where the journalling was originally going...well not really. It TOTALLY explained where my GUILT stems from. The writing explained how this occurence has altered my life, pointing out situations to THIS DAY, specific situations, where I am affected by this, without having had conscious knowledge of what happened. I am afraid. It all makes too much sense. It all makes PERFECT sense! There are so many feelings that I avoid in my life, because of this. I feel dirty and ashamed and guilty and now I am hesitant to even bring it up...because even though I KNOW its real and I believe it with all my heart to be TRUTH...I dont know what move to make next.

Let me point out, that I am aware that the obvious move is to seek therapy. However I must admit...I feel a bit weird about that. I mean what do I say?..I was writing one day and remembered that...oh yeah...I was molested as a youth! In fact, I think that's why I have intimacy and trust issues in my life. That is also why I avoid normal pleasure. That is why I am afraid of giving in to good feelings and LIVE in bad ones. I dont think I deserve to be happy or genuinely loved. I avoid friendship and even deeper connections with my closest family, because...I feel damaged. That is why at the age when my sexuality sprouted...I was hypersexual, then when I was unable to handle all that came with being sexual...I began to put on weight. To protect myself from having to feel sexuality at all. Sigh...and knowing all this...doesnt help. AT ALL!

I dont know why I am sharing this, or why I have not found it difficult to talk about with a few choice people. I know that there is nothing that is going to happen because of this. I guess its because even though it happened to me, and I feel pretty detached from it...I just can't accept it. Sigh...Oh well...

Back to life...back to reality, back to the here, and now, and then.