Hand me downs...

Life sucks!!!

I got an email that read...Who sets the standards that you live by? This is a question that not many people in my world ask. Me being me...I have and do! REGULARLY! I need answers, because my mind creates in me an endless amount of questions. Always has. Hopefully always will.


I look at a few of my loved ones...and I realize that they are WONDERFUL! They really are. But I have noticed over the course of my life, that more than not...they are not free. And THAT is why my apparent freedom was met with so much resistence growing up. They didnt want to stifle my creativity. They didnt set out to 'kill' the very essence of the thing that made me, who I am. They simply were passing along a set of "RULES" that they were taught, and couldnt understand how I didnt accept them as easily as they obviously had.

I am not built to just ingest everything I'm fed. It wreaked havoc during my childhood. It made me seem rebellious, when I was simply making decisions based on what was in my heart...not fed into my mind. I 'thought' about what was real. I felt inside when I didnt know the answers. My natural proccesses are tools that actually serve me well and I was bascially brought up in a world, where adults told me they knew more than me, so I should simply get with the program! I conformed to the extent that I had to to ensure survival, but my soul was NOT HAPPY about it.

I say all this to say, that work til you die, or retire (same thing) was something that was drilled into my head.
Never call off, vacations are for the weak.
Sacrifice yourself and anything resembling YOU,for your children.
Please those around you, it will make people like you.
Speak when spoken to...be seen and not heard.
Wear your hair long and straight. (men like that)
Sit like a lady. (lol)
Dont wear a ponytail every day...what kind of man will want that?
Appearances dont matter...(huh?)
Keep this clean (dont you want a husband one day?--there were plenty of these, usually from unmarrieds...hmmmm???)...

The messages I received about dont you want a husband one day confused my young mind the most, because usually in the same breath I would hear: "Black men aint shit!" or "Your daddy dont care about us!"
I would hear how my grandaddy predicted the AWFUL day, which of course was right on time for my generation, when women would not be able to depend on their men! Women would have to do it all. And in my family...so they did! And as a good 'follower', so do I!

I accepted at a young age that I would be a single parent, and I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that that contributed to the events that play out in my life today. I am fulfilling the prophesy that was spoken over my young eager mind, so long ago. I couldnt rebel against everything.

I realize that what you speak over your children MOLDS them. I am thankful for this knowledge. I speak nothing but affrimatives for my children. Everything I fear for them (and there are plenty), I affirm the TRUTH. NOt my truth, because I see a lot of "my truths" are janky hand-me-downs. I affirm the HIGHEST TRUTH that my mind can imagine. Because even though I fell off for a good part of 20 years, I KNOW that I am here for a reason...and I know that the way I am in the deepest parts of me, has a big role to play in that.

I am thankful for the experiences that I have had. All of the seeming opposition and failures, heartbreaks and tribulations actually strengthened me...not killed me as I believed yesterday. I am still here...and I still believe in LOVE! Even in the midst of the darkest storm. I know that what I think and how I dream has a DIRECT effect on the life I live! And ultimately the way my children will allow themselves to think and dream. I love life! And this is NEW again, to me. I dont have to live the life that anyone else chose for me. I may have when I was 10, but I dont know. And I wont. I am ALIVE!!! And I am AWARE! And that mechanism in me that drives me to strive for the best is once again functioning at a working level. I am on my way back...Thank GOD!!!