I gotta do it!

I finally figured it out. Why I feel so repressed and unsatisfied. Because I am NOT allowing myself to have the opportunity to live my dreams. I have always dreamed big. Shit, I cant help it. I am a dreamer by creation. I have always seen big and grand things for myself. My tastes have always been waaay outside of my 'belief range' ...and I didnt have anyone to really encourage my high flying ideals. Most people around me had had their dreams dismissed already, so the advice I tended to get was, "Be realistic" or repeated comments about my head being "in the clouds"...

I tried to supplement my REAL dreams with other dreams that were much more palatable to my world. I tried to be an entrepeneur, doing something that I can do well...customer service. I figured, that would be easy right? NO. Its never easy, when its not RIGHT!

What I want to do... seems far fetched in a way, but in a lot of ways, its closer to me than anything. Because I ponder it daily. I practice it daily. I dream of it daily. I fantasize on it daily. And I exercise it daily. I'm like an athelete, who has yet to put himself in the draft pool.


I dont know if I really have any talent, or if its all in my head. But truth be told, I BELIEVE that I can be successful at this craft. I am an artist. I have always known it. Tried to find other, lesser ways of expressing it. But thats not working. I have to try this. I HAVE to. I do not wish to live with regret, over something so HUGE to me. I want to look at my sons and say...GO FOR YOUR DREAMS!!!! And mean it.

I will do that. For them and for me! I dont have to be the biggest or the best...but I have to be!!

Off to do research. I have one month before this ball gets rolling. Life is about to get super busy...but it will be BEYOND WORTH IT.

Wish me luck!

Keelah

Good Life

We moved. We love. We left some things behind. And we are eagerly anticipating moving forward with clarity, strength, spiritual honesty and LIFE!!! My family is in such a better place...because mommy finally had the faith and motivation to make the 'tough' decisions. I am so proud of myself for finally standing up for what is right and just. I am proud of myself to pray with all that I am to release my past and step BOLDLY into the NOW! I am so proud and excited to live the life that I often times dreamed, but never dared reach for. Each day is a new day...and no matter what, I will find a reason to smile and be grateful in EACH AND EVERY ONE! There are too many little things to be thankful for... so I will just extend the most sincere and complete THANK YOU GOD...that I have ever uttered. Because only you know what this truly means . I thank you in advance for your plans for my life. Cuz I know they are the ish! I look forward to living for you for the rest of my life. I cant serve two masters...and self - serving did NOT work out very well for me. Thank you for clarity. Thank you for connection. Thank you for love and support. Thank you for miracles. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my life. Thank you for me being me! I SO ROCK!!!! You do too!

:)

By Sharing His Spirit...

He connected worlds!!!

I will always love you Mike Jackson! I admire the strength of who you are. You did it! You did good! We appreciate all that you shared with us. And we are thankful that you left so much of yourself here. you have touched so many souls...generations!! MY BOYS ADORE YOU! Especially Jeremiah. I am so thankful to have been alive to experience your presence. You are an inspiration, even more so now that you died for it. You prove to me that greatness, and its lasting effects is always worth the cost! All-ways. Thank you. See ya on the other side...

Me

...Que Sara, Sara

I try to make him mine, but
...he is not for me

I try to taste his heat, his cool, his innocence
The bittersweet pain of the first loss, the first
to remind you of what knowing and trusting is 'like'
by revealing its counter part
Human vulnerabilities...
...Pulsating in the wonderment of expectancy.
Open and free!!
To be shattered, by inevitability-- of cycles.

There is one for harvesting and for sowing...

I try to make him mine
He is not for me...
He just reminded me, who I know myself to be.
Thank you.
One Love, All-ways
Wakeelah Islah Everfield

Misplaced Myself

Do you ever feel, that you are just NOT in the right space?
This feeling is so pervasive that its making me physically ill. Well it could be that damn rotavirus as well...but I honestly am feeling that there is a change that has happened...and somehow my physical world has not yet adjusted to it. Because I feel VERY uneasy about a lot of things in my life.

I am not LOVING my job like I used to. I am still very proficient at it, but my drive is waning and FAST! I dont want to lose it...because I have my children to think of...but I sure am HATING coming here nowadays. It grates everything soft and pure in me to do so. I am open and rubbed raw by this circumstance.

I am not understanding how to accept love. I know...sit there and take it! But how??? Who doenst understand this? Apparently quite a few of us...


I want...and I need...

I see solutions, silver linings, and good things...but inside me is a brewing pot of something terrible. At the surface, which is the only place I dare scratch...is anger, RAGE EVEN, helplessness, desire for COMPLETE OVERHAUL, pain, abandonment, F.E.A.R, and just a general distaste for all things current.

I need to better get a grip on what I feel...but I cant do that unless I actually FEEL it...and I dont want to feel these things...Cuz letting them lose may make bad things happen.

Today I want to retreat to the safety of my shell until this particular storm passes...
...again.

...only thing about that is...MY shell is not the haven it used to be. Its a really tight fit. I think I should eat less.

Seeing as though this emotional period of my life has me eating nonstop and I gained 6 lbs...QUICKLY!!! wtf?

I am at work, I'd rather be in bed....nursing myself. Holding myself. Comforting myself...Telling myself, it is all a part of the process...and that I am doing fine.

Go ahead, dont let your yesterdays hold any weight on your todays. Its over. You dont have to hurt anymore. You have grown into a lovely young lady. You have a heart that wont stop. That is why you hurt, you are going against all that is real and true. You cant NOT love...You can only try your damndest! It will never work. That is what you are built for. You are built to love HARD. Learn always. And to give of that wellspring. Dont be afraid of being hurt...But dont be so 'strong' that you feel you need to carry every grievance either. Let them go... Let it ALL GO!

You are beautiful, caring, honest. loving, creative, and PERFECT! You are a great mom, and will make a wonderful wife (for some unsuspecting fool! lol at u!) You have a lot inside of you to share... dont give up on yourself...as I will NEVER give up on you. Dont ignore the hurt, but dont dwell either....just let it be....and DO YOU! Be the wonderful you that you already are. Hurt and all...you are still loved beyond what your beautiful mind can measure.

If I were a boy....

Or at the very least if I didnt give a fuck....

Then I could:

• Care less about how people throw their opinions around about me.
• Live my life without cares or conerns about my childrens wherabouts and the such.
• Tell a bitch to SUCK MY DICK if they say something that I dont appreciate.
• Live my life without concern about the future, and how my present choices are shaping it.
• Be' okay' with the fact that some people dont want me to thrive. Even if they are my family.

But luckily for me and my boys...I do give a fuck! And I do care that my "loved ones" especially those closest to me blatantly dont want me to succeed in life. Well, if you asked, of COURSE they would say the contrary...however...your actions speak louder than your words. I wish you the best! But you have just removed yourself from the front row of my life.

I know that its hard right now...but it will be fine. I understand. And I know you do too. We just have to keep the faith, and continue to pray and be supportive.

I dont know how you can fit in right now. LIfe is so heavy. I'm unloading it as we speak...and I love your energy...but... sigh...timing is TERRIBLE!!!

FYI--I know who I am. I know my worth...so when you try and convince me otherwise, it sounds OH SO GREEK to me. It may hurt me...but not because I believe you, but because you have just changed before my eyes. You went from someone who I always thought I would love unconditonally, to someone who I have to handle with a long handled spoon. That ish hurts. But...so be it!

{sometimes i feel my sensitivity is a curse....}

But my sensitivity makes me more aware of the truth...and you know what is said about TRUTH!

Yeah...I believe that too! Thanks for that MAMA! You fuggin rock! You let me know... and I love you for it!

wwoooohssssahhhh

I sit.
...and I wait.

I wait for the next time it comes around. I wait to see how I respond.
Will it be painless this time? Or will it ache long after the wound has been...
TOUCHED.

I wonder how much I really gave, because the pain is lingering...I feel.
I feel the past slipping, to wherever it goes, when its no longer NOW.
It hurts. Deeply.

So I cry. Sit. In stillness. Waiting.


I move forward, chagrined. Destined to succeed.

How naive of me to believe that I could walk this earth, and love...unscathed!!!

I laugh bitterly at myself for that one! I mock the promises of life after death.

Fuck later. I need NOW!

I am afraid of the day when I wake up...totally okay.

But I yearn for that day as well. Because then, I can pick up the pieces, and continue crafting my masterpiece!

Its will be beautiful. Not inspite of, but in light of.

So through this...I say thank you.

Thank you for revealing to me that place that still needs. Still hurts. The place in me not protected by the wall.

You have shown me, my vulnerability. My softness. My love.

I will continue...not inspite of, but in light of.

Intimacy and Fear

Intimacy. What is it? I know what it feels like. It feels close, warm and safe to me. It feels lovely, like I am being held and trusted with something sacred and honest. My mind is filled with images of connection and love and sharing and joy, but at the thought of intimacy, my mind is filled with fear, anxiety and I'mma be truthful SHEER TERROR!!

What ifs start to happen. What if I allow someone close to me and they poke my most sensitive parts. What if it hurts too bad? What if I cant keep recovering from the hurt? What if its not just hurting me, what if its DAMAGING me?

What if they mock me, or make fun of me and my humanness? What if they abandon me, or worse yet...reject me for being me. What if I'm not good enough to sustain any real relationships?

With thoughts like these, its a wonder I had any relationships at all! I am exhausted. But its a good exhaustion. God is working on me something serious. No longer is it okay to have an idea, and just let time and excuses push it to the wayside. God is EXPECTING things from me! hahah me??

I said, "Wow, wouldnt it be nice to run a 5K?" His answer, "It is AWESOME! Now what are you going to do to MAKE it happen?"
My actions--found a race that was at least 8 weeks away. I practice calisthetics daily and run 3x per week, per the couch to 5K training program. The race is April 25. I will be there. RUNNING!!

I said, "It would be nice to have my own business where I could work from home, doing something I love and getting to spend more time with my kids, while having more control over our financial future" His response, "It will be GREAT! I have been waiting for you to know that and believe that your dreams are possible for you"
My actions--I completed my business plan, have my business name registered in my county. Getting computer upgraded and am purchasing my final office supplies next weekend. My website information is all typed up, just have to register my domain name and begin building.


I said, "Wouldnt it be lovely to live a life that is customized just for me? To have loving and healthy functioning relationships, rest, fun and adventure, learning and abundance?" His response..."Yes!"
My action. Not waiting for anyone else to give me permission. This is a difficult step, because I believe somehow that i need to pay with a certain amount of struggle and suffering before I deserve to be happy. I feel that I need to 'pay my dues' in order to live a joyfull life. But I have accepted an invitation to go to ATL. with a friend of mine for her birthday in two weeks. I am going to go on a MUCH NEEDED vacation yall! Lord knows I could use it. I intend to heal myself. Let myself relax, recharge and rejuvenate.


Every day there is a person or circumstance that stands out to me, not because of who they are, but because of the gifts they bring to me. Every kind word, or thoughtful observation hides within it a message for my soul. Come forth and live your life! You are the only one that can do it. You are the only one who knows your deepest needs and truest desires. Be not afraid of imagined prosecution. Be not afraid of the 'thoughts' of failure. They have no strength, lest you give them yours. Be not afraid to stand firm on this earth and accept your divine inheritance. There is no glory in playing small. NONE. So, Kill dat! K?

Dead!

Peace

Random Thankfullness

I used to doubt that God really REALLY heard me. Because I expected that things would work out the way I saw fit. Well... lately, that has not been the case, but now that I am awake, I can see the perfection! I am in awe...again!

Due to economic times, and the recent dissolvement of my relastionship and just... life, I have been a bit less fortunate. I have fallen behind on bills, cried myself to sleep countless nights, wondering how the hell did Wakeelah end up in this predicament? As you can see, sometimes I really do think highly of myself. I'm much too smart to end up like this right? Well...whatever...here I am. And in this place, I learn what it means and feels like to have faith, to know that in the midst of the perfect storm, I can and will come out unharmed, unscathed and actually stronger than I was before. I learned the true meaning of humility, and how to appreciate the growing pangs that come with leaving your comfort zone and exploring a different 'style' of living. I am learning how to truly find myself, amidst all of the things that I thought was me...I am understanding responsibility, surrender, and compromise on a whole different level. I am learning that life may not look how we think it should, but by paying attention, the lesson will be CRYSTAL! The experience is always PERFECT for developing or revealing that elusive quality that we all strive for. I am living with an increased amount of peace and its wonderful! I am thankful...and the fruits of my acceptance:

A friend of mine gave me a beautiful Christmas Tree so that my children and I can actually have one this year!!! It even has decorations and lights and everythign to put on it!

I received countless gift cards to places from grocery stores, to dept. stores, to home stores so that I can improve, decorate and revamp my environments, myself and my family. I can even use them to buy a few gifts for people who I would otherwise have not been able to shop for.

I have a strong plan in place to pull us out of this financial situation...and my business plan is almost complete...and its looking REALLY OPTIMISTIC!! I even have my first client already!

My relationship with my kids dad is much better, now that we are 'friends'. Still feels strange, but I cant deny the amount of respect, laughter and lightness that accompanies our interactions nowadays...as opposed to constant complaints and 'sighs'!

My children are absolutely PERFECT in every way. They are well behaved, smart as ever, and they are genuinely GOOD PEOPLE! Yes...we made them!

My backbone is becoming more and more apparent and I love the way that I am forcing certain people in my life to adjust to 'how it is!"... I'm gonna smile, cuz I deserve to!

God is LOUD!!!! Not just a whisper or an afterthought...I am fully aware of our connection most of the time now!

I have friends!!! I am not sure how to trust them, or confide in them, or even how to utilize their presence in my life...but dammit!!! Ive got people in my life who REALLY REALLY care for me--as I am. I wonder would they still care if they knew.... SHUT UP VOICE! THEY DO!

I feel bummy on the outside, but absoluelty beautiful on the inside...because I really am blessed!

Sadness is as it is....

Today it is nonexistent, cuz I know who I am...and from whom my sustenance comes. Thank you!

Love Always and First!!

Keelah

Let me, let me UPGRADYA!

Lately life has been coming together in such a FABULOUS way! Life is still hard at times, overwhelming being a single parent and mentally draining as I transition from being sleepy and disconnected to waking up and taking full responsibility for this experience...but wonderful just the same.

I have been using tips and tools that I read about on other blogs or magazines and can honestly say the improvements are really great!

The last thing that I am able to work on is myself. Not just because it takes money to upgrade...but because it takes time, energy and a certain level of self knowledge...and most times I dont feel like I have enough.

Last night, after I put my little bundles of pure Energy to bed, I began straightening my home. The way you leave your home before you go to bed, is the way you will wake up to it!
I was blessing everything as I rearranged and purged clutter, I wondered would I ever get to look out at life and see my dreams manifest...I know I will, but sometimes I just dont see a way.
Then out of nowhere...I asked myself..."Self...what would a totally FABULOUS woman do if she woke up and found herself with your life?" When I looked at it from that perspective, suddenly things didnt look so bleak. As a matter of fact it looked ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC! When I looked at it from a higher perspective, I realized that I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I have to just learn to appreciate it and 'work it!' as is.

I have a great(ish) place to live, I have good food to prepare and offer as nourishment to myself and family. I have a job that pays me to develop and use skills that will serve me well in all of my future endeavors. I have family that helps me to organize and maintain my life. I have friends, old and new, who help me to always see the best that life has to offer us, and helps me to be my best self. All of my relationships are improving, and for those that dont seem to be, the dialouge is much better! I feel more empowered, less overwhelmed, more beautiful, less stressed, more optimistic, less depressed. I feel like the possiblities for a GREAT life are endless!!!!

I can honestly say with certainty, that I AM BEING UPGRADED! Life has not changed externally so much yet, but the shift within is noticable and such a comforting thing!

My awareness is much greater, and my mind is much clearer and my energy less choppy and abrasive . I have a plan for work, and I'm working my plan! As a result, my children are more at ease, happier and more excited. The biggest and best thigng I could have done is decide not to wait on life to change....but to go on and CHANGE MY LIFE!

I am so thankful for the Lord literally answering each and every prayer that I have ever set before Him. My confidence in our relationship is more real and makes it easier for me to let go of some of the thoughts and behaviours that keep me bound to old played out ideas about myself and life in general.

I thank you for NEVER giving up on me, even when I flipped you the BIRD because I thought you didnt know what you were talking about. Our friendship is my most cherished and I am thankful to be one of your beloved. I am thankful for the children you are allowing me to raise for you. And I'm thankful for the extra love and support that you have offered my way, so that during the darkest and more frustrating moments of mommy-hood, I had the resolve to never give up. Stop, breathe, regroup and get back in there! I love you so much! words are never enough to express my gratitude for you helping me to elevate my mind, and evolve my heart...to be closer with you! You are my reason, my alpha and omega....and even when my my bottom lip pokes out and my defensiveness begins, I want you to always know that! You are appreciated! God you are the best!

A Love Affair....

I love me some me! I have been loving strong on my body...and its inherent femininity.
She is so beautiful, so soft...so womanly. The rolls on my back are bothersome most days, but not today. Today...they are just reminders, of where I have been less than loving to myself in the past. They now serve as indicators of my progress moving forward. YES I CAN.

My heart is in a perpetual state of unrest. But beneath, is the an unending supply of peace that comes from the knowledge that everything has a season...and I feel deep within the depths of my loins (do I have loins?) that my harvest is upon me. I feel that everything that will encourage me to feel whole and complete, loved and supported, strong and powerful, open and surrendered is on its way. It is seeking me with the same, if not more fervor that I am in seeking it. Quiet Excitement is the theme of life right now.

I am in a good space, where my 'flaws' are okay. Everything needs love...everything flourishes under its influence!!! Surely the things that I consider less than optimal about myself and my life are governed by this cosmic rule. Surely mySelf will benefit from love instead of my constant complaining.

I dont have much money, no clothes that I consider FABULOUS, no beautifully decorated home of my own, no distinct personal style, no nothing that I think would make life more 'sparkly'...but I do have myself. And in myself, in my unrefined form, lies infinite delicious possiblities...and thankfully I can feel the fullness today! I dont know how some days I am filled with despair, and then days like these I am able to compartmentalize that...well better yet, keep it in perspective, while acknowledging all the GOOD that exists EVERWHERE...but it is so...and for this I am so thankfull!

Oooh Today is such a succulent day!!!!

Manifest

This is a call to be the best that we can.
This is a call to be better women and men.
This is a call to dream bigger than ever before.
This is a call to step up and receive more.
This is a call to drop the past and leave it be.
This is a call to heal our history.
This is a call to say, "Look the dream has been made real!"
This is a call to say, "This time, its the real deal"
I am so thankful to be alive to see this. I am glad that my parents are alive to see this. I so glad that my sons are here to see this. I am so glad that finally, finally there is some semblence of equality in America. Finally, I can HONESTLY SAY, that home is a place where man is judged by the content of his character and not by apprearances. I have waited 30 years to feel like America is my home. I have waited to see my beauty reflected back to me as more than an afterthought. I have waited to see 'different' ideas be embraced in such a cold and dogmatic place. I have waited...patiently...and that time IS COME! Yes we ca, yes we did! and Oh yes! WE WILL!
I accept the challenge...do you?
AMEN

Concerns...

Sometimes life is so confusicus to me. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some days I'm on the ball...Most days I cant find the friggin bal at all! And if I do, how the hayle am I sposed to balance my big ass on a ball without deflating it! I have been blog hopping around...this time to Mommy sites, because I find myself becoming more interested in community and fully living and celebrating life, not just for me, but for my babies. I want to expose my kids to the fun lives that I see all these other moms participating in. But its like, I feel so inferior in that way. I'm not much fun and I dont have that 'mommy creativity' gene that lots of moms seem to be innately blessed with. I have only been a mom for two years, but I feel like I suck in a lot of ways. Like my kids are still mostly jpegs. I didnt decorate for halloween (tho I did get them two little pumpkins!) ...Maybe I'm just having one of those days. I just dont seem to 'get' how to be a woman, a mother, and the primary care-giver all at once. The order just seems so tall...and tho I'm almost 6 feet..sometimes that just doesnt seem tall enough!

I am a single mom as of the last two months, and I dont want to use that as an excuse, (but its just so darn convenient sometimes)
I have a great 'partner', who when I'm in my right mind (and not living through these damn emotions) is the best person to have in my life right now. He has awakened and the light of God is shining all up and through him . He's on fire and determined to carve greatness out of the past bad decisions he has made. He credits me with his 'awareness' and I must admit, that feels good! He wants to be a better man, (albeit not for me, but that here nor there) and I hope that I can stand right beside him (as his 'friend' sigh) while he moves to greatness!

HMMM....dont know where this post got sidetracked..but I guess I want to be better too! Just have to keep my eyes on my prize and not pay attention to what my emotions tell me I'm missing. I have dreams and goals and....

Hopefully this mood will pass and I will regain the clarity of belief that I can achieve all that I envision!

Letting go....again! LOL

Happy Pumpkin day!

WOMAN

For a sensual woman, foreplay happens all day long. Indulging in the senses is something that occurs all day, every day! There is little to no separation between living life and making love. When the opportunity arises, the sensual woman is always open, ready and available.

The feel of the clothes on her skin, the scent of her perfume, the movement of energy in her body, the strength and poise of her form is deeply within her awareness all day. It is a joy to simply to be a ‘woman’. She enjoys the simple pleasure of being able to inhabit the feminine energy permeating her entire experience of life.

Her life is infused with the energy of preparedness; and with earnestness she builds her home to support love, harmony, and rejuvenation. Simply being in her presence is healing and expanding. She laughs easily and is in a permanent state of deliciousness.

She is hardly ever stressed and loves to love. To give love is a pleasure and to receive is DIVINE!

Shame? Guilt? For HER desires…LAUGHABLE! She loves to get her needs met, which why she arranges her life to provide TOTAL SATIZFACTION!!

Truth is the nectar that oozes from her lips; Sweetly melting the walls of illusions that clouds the minds of fellow spirit beings. Drawing to her, honesty and truth in kind.

She sits like she knows the secret and that is because she does. She is prudent in her demeanor, but her depth is OBVIOUS! Without saying a word, you understand. This moment is a gift. You are in the presence of…WOMAN!

Hand me downs...

Life sucks!!!

I got an email that read...Who sets the standards that you live by? This is a question that not many people in my world ask. Me being me...I have and do! REGULARLY! I need answers, because my mind creates in me an endless amount of questions. Always has. Hopefully always will.


I look at a few of my loved ones...and I realize that they are WONDERFUL! They really are. But I have noticed over the course of my life, that more than not...they are not free. And THAT is why my apparent freedom was met with so much resistence growing up. They didnt want to stifle my creativity. They didnt set out to 'kill' the very essence of the thing that made me, who I am. They simply were passing along a set of "RULES" that they were taught, and couldnt understand how I didnt accept them as easily as they obviously had.

I am not built to just ingest everything I'm fed. It wreaked havoc during my childhood. It made me seem rebellious, when I was simply making decisions based on what was in my heart...not fed into my mind. I 'thought' about what was real. I felt inside when I didnt know the answers. My natural proccesses are tools that actually serve me well and I was bascially brought up in a world, where adults told me they knew more than me, so I should simply get with the program! I conformed to the extent that I had to to ensure survival, but my soul was NOT HAPPY about it.

I say all this to say, that work til you die, or retire (same thing) was something that was drilled into my head.
Never call off, vacations are for the weak.
Sacrifice yourself and anything resembling YOU,for your children.
Please those around you, it will make people like you.
Speak when spoken to...be seen and not heard.
Wear your hair long and straight. (men like that)
Sit like a lady. (lol)
Dont wear a ponytail every day...what kind of man will want that?
Appearances dont matter...(huh?)
Keep this clean (dont you want a husband one day?--there were plenty of these, usually from unmarrieds...hmmmm???)...

The messages I received about dont you want a husband one day confused my young mind the most, because usually in the same breath I would hear: "Black men aint shit!" or "Your daddy dont care about us!"
I would hear how my grandaddy predicted the AWFUL day, which of course was right on time for my generation, when women would not be able to depend on their men! Women would have to do it all. And in my family...so they did! And as a good 'follower', so do I!

I accepted at a young age that I would be a single parent, and I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY that that contributed to the events that play out in my life today. I am fulfilling the prophesy that was spoken over my young eager mind, so long ago. I couldnt rebel against everything.

I realize that what you speak over your children MOLDS them. I am thankful for this knowledge. I speak nothing but affrimatives for my children. Everything I fear for them (and there are plenty), I affirm the TRUTH. NOt my truth, because I see a lot of "my truths" are janky hand-me-downs. I affirm the HIGHEST TRUTH that my mind can imagine. Because even though I fell off for a good part of 20 years, I KNOW that I am here for a reason...and I know that the way I am in the deepest parts of me, has a big role to play in that.

I am thankful for the experiences that I have had. All of the seeming opposition and failures, heartbreaks and tribulations actually strengthened me...not killed me as I believed yesterday. I am still here...and I still believe in LOVE! Even in the midst of the darkest storm. I know that what I think and how I dream has a DIRECT effect on the life I live! And ultimately the way my children will allow themselves to think and dream. I love life! And this is NEW again, to me. I dont have to live the life that anyone else chose for me. I may have when I was 10, but I dont know. And I wont. I am ALIVE!!! And I am AWARE! And that mechanism in me that drives me to strive for the best is once again functioning at a working level. I am on my way back...Thank GOD!!!

Wifely Duties

I remember reading this article from a Popular Magazine from the 50's and it described what a good wife is/does. http://http://www.romanceopedia.com/E-TheGoodWife.html When I first came across this article, I was about 21 years old, and I was NOT feeling it at ALL! I mean, "who is this puritan?", I wondered. However at 28, I feel completely different. I noticed this change yesterday. When I scanned my room, before my man got home from his second job. I thought to myself..."What do I want the atmosphere that he comes home to to be like?" I was disconcerted by this thought process, because this is NOT like me. I want a cozy home, that is no secret...but I never wanted it for him, I wanted it for me. However creating an environment for my man after work was my focus yesterday. I made sure dinner was ready, home clean and welcoming and relaxing. The children were bathed and pj'd up! The beds were made. Dishes were washed. And I was cute! Which is not my normal mode for cleaning the house. But it is now. Being cute made cleaning even MORE FUN!!! [Is there anything that being cute doesn't enhance?] Now mind you, these are things that I try and do normally, but it was my motivation that was different. I realized yesterday that I want to be a 'wife'. Not just last name, piece of paper wife, but a wife in the most complete spiritual meaning of the word. I want to be a sorceress that creates an environment for my family that is soothing, stimulating, beautiful and functional. I want to do that. I want for my husband to acknowledge the work that I do for him. For our family. I want him to appreciate my presence in his life, not just as a partner, or the mother of his children, but as a WOMAN. A woman in the fullest sense of the word. A self-actualized, free woman. A beautiful bearer of life, woman. The one who creates a home, and makes it righteous. A matriarch. The TRUTH.

I am loving how my world is expanding. One day, I picture myself being this fiercly independent woman who doesnt need a man to validate her, and all this other B.S. that I told myself. Deep inside in the recesses of my heart, I know I still dont need that validation. But I do want it. I do desire to please my husband. I desire for him to benefit from the depths of my feminine wisdom. I desire that same things for my sons. I desire for them to look back at life with me and consider themselves blessed, as I do when I do what I do for them. I love being a servant for my family. Weird wording, but I do. I love the feeling of them feeling comfortable and taken care of. I am beginning to find satisfaction in 'catering' more than I would have imagined is possible. And this is just the beginning! How exciting right??!!??

I am Wakeelah Everfield, and I want to be the WORLD'S GREATEST WIFE AND MOTHER!! Hows that for a proclamation! (sp) Now that I have that off my chest...I can breathe easy. No more lying to myself. I dont want domestic partnership, I want marriage.

Good News!!!

I have been depressed for about 22 years now. I am 28 years old. At first I just ignored it, then when the load became too heavy, I stewed in it and allowed it to take over my mind. This affected my body and continued to suffocate my spirit. Then as I learned more about life, I began to try and understand it. Trying to understnad dysfuntion just fills your mind with more dysfunction. Finally I accepted it. I have a depressive personality, is what I chose to believe. I believed that for MOST of my life!!!

Then I realized that what lots of people said was true, I really do have a CHOICE in how I am in life! I started reading things that were along the lines of what I wanted to believe. I started to monitor myself, which has proven to make the BIGGEST impact in my life! I regularly checked in with my feelings, my thoughts, my intentions and tried my best not to judge myself too harshly for the things that I didnt like about myself. I journaled. I practice conscious eating. I try to refrain from complaining, and I am a CHRONIC complimenter. I seek beauty everywhere, and when I cant find it, I look up at the sky. That is one thing that is ALWAYS beautiful and AWE INSPIRING!!! I meditate daily, share my journey with a friend who is traveling the same path as I. I have distanced myself from the WOE IS ME' folk. And the results are AMAZING!!! (Unbeleivable, had I not known the darkness of depression first hand.)

Without much effort on the weightloss area of my life I have lost 17 lbs since May 1st. My relationship with my man is DRAMATICALLY IMPROVED, my self esteem is at the very least normal, but dare I say...soaring!!! I have more energy, less stress, more patience, less worry. My mood swings still happen, but the difference is, I'm not at their mercy. The moment I catch myself, I can CHOOSE differently!!! I can!!!

There is a crack in the foundation of whatever had me tied to my depression. I KNOW it is there. There is an opening of light, where there was one only cloudy darkeness. There is lightness where there was once heaviness. There is appreciation where there was once only negativity. There is hope where there was once only despair. I dont want to go on and on, but to live life from this perspective is so encouraging!!! I KNOW that one day soon, I will be completely free of this stuff, and all the stuff that it attracted as a result. I am MORE THAN WILLING TO LET THAT GARBAGE GO!! And the proof is evident in my life! There is something else along the ride of my life with me. And in that space, life is GOOD!

I didnt even notice the depression lifting until I blogged answers to questions and my answers were completely contrary to any belief I had before. I am comfortable with my 206 lb frame. I used to be in despair at 175. Haha youth! I am fine with myself, just the way I am. I'm really okay.

Thank you God. I have been faithful, and you have answered as you said you would. I promise to ALWAYS know you and never be brand new again. I promise to be all that I can at any given day, because you are. I will not go back to livng life as a leaf in the wind. I promise to be rooted in you. Your are my substance and my nourishment. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you. And thanks to you, I LOVE LOVE LOVE me too! okay. I'm so grateful! Amen!

I am...

...a proud mother.
...a cohabitating wife. (yeah...time is running out for this role!)
...absolutely LOVING my SPRING CLEANING EXTRAVAGANZA!
...a receptionist
...a visionary
...eternal optimist
...a chimney
...a spritual being navigating this physical existence
...losing weight
...a natural woman
...in Love with Obama (and Michelle!)
...happy for Beyonce and Jay-Z!
...feeling good about my future.
...a daughter
...a sister
...pretty funny if I say so myself
...obsessed with the Biggest Loser
...scared to love people
...excited to move through the confines of my past
...anticipating the joy that is on the other side of my growing pains.
...a budding yogi!
...an undercover fashionista! (Deeeep undercover-lol)
...an avid reader
...terrified of my sexuality. (read: may be an undercover ho, if left unchecked)
...a BIG flirt
...content with life today
...breathing
...anticipating having a 'convo' with Jeremiah when I get home.
...working with the Law of Attraction currently.
...better than I was yesterday
...Here. Now.

Some things in my heart...

I love you. I love you so much, but sometimes its not easy. Sometimes I dont know how. Its so hard to feel what you feel and still maintain my sanity. I want to be there for you. To help you move through your pain and into joy. I want for us to be BONDED. I want you to trust me and I want so badly to trust you. I know we have both been hurt very badly in the past. And our hearts are not distinguishing that the time has past. But it has...I am willing to let go of the pain so that we can move forward, together. Whether we like it or not...we are connected. But I would much prefer we be connected in love than in pain and hurt. Lets remake the tragedy of our lives into something beautiful.

I love you. I dislike a LOT of your ways, but if I have to be honest with myself...I must admit. I KNOW you. I know you better than you think anyone does. I know you hurt, and I know that the hurt you feel causes you to lash out in ways that are not natural to your heart. I know you cannot always 'see' the effect of repressing your pain, but I do. And it hurts me to see you hurt. I hurt so bad sometimes, because you make me hurt. You are careless with your energies and they affect me. Self preservation is strong in any species, but I cannot abandon you. I cant leave you out here without anyone to truly UNDERSTAND you, so I stay. At the expense of my own feelings. I hurt for you...with you. I dont know how to be any other way.


I love you. I love you so much. I know that I need to extend myself to your more, but I dont know how. I think that I am not enough. That you need more. In my heart of hearts, I know that I am enough just the way I am, but I guess I cant give you what I am unable to give myself. That old adage holds very true. I think that I would resent being there for you in the way that you need me to, because I so often ignore those needs in myself. I CANT give you what I dont offer myself. Its just not humanly possible without resentment. I am sorry. I just dont have it right now.

I know you want me to let go and let God. I know that you are ready. I know that you have a vision and that it is I that keeps you from achieving it. I know that it is my fear and my determination to keep things status quo, that keeps you from blossoming into all that you are. I know that I will have to relinquish this unhealthy compulsion, but I dont know how. I dont want to lose. And letting go feels like giving up, which equals losing in my book. I yearn to live from the depths of my entire being. My desires may not seem real to you, but the pain of living beneath my potential is. My fears are. And my desire to live and grow and be well are just as strong as yours. HOw do you let go, when letting go could mean death? How do you reconcile this? How? I really really want to know. Seriously.

To be continued.

Got me some new 'skins baby!

What can I say about Parenthood? Its GREAT! I was very concerned early on, because I constantly questioned myself and my ability to handle this job. I worked myself up in a tizzy for every mistake I made, as if??? It was going to be the last. I had many sleepless nights asking God what in His green earth could he have been thinking to give me children, because while I have always felt 'motherly', it wasnt until I had children that I truly understood what it was to be maternal.

As time went on, I continued to pray about it. And not that pray to sound spiritual, but seriously...bare my soul, ask and listen for the answer, because even in my haze (of depression--haha), I knew that there is little else that I can do in this world that can compare to MOTHERHOOD. Nothing. It is my Zenith. It is my salvation. My kids are literally my saving grace, every day. They are the force that makes it possible for me to change. Not that I couldnt, but for them...I AM. It is so crazy to be in the midst of change and have the perspective to recognize it as that. Usually, life moves so fast that I dont realize what happened until I am out of the thick of it, and have that refractory period, where the winds have calmed and THEN I can see and understand what happened. But life NOW is in the present tense. I am literally changing as I type. And its AWESOME!!!!

I had this view of being a mom, as pure MARTYRDOM! I would settle for nothing less...I would spend myself until there was nothing left, if it meant that my children would be happy and provided for. However upon laying my feet on this holy ground, I realize that I dont have to do that at all. All I HAVE to do is stay black and die! Both of those will happen without any extra effort on my part! HAHA!

Being a parent is easy. Not without challenges, I have had to adjust my life and my ways of thinking constantly, but once the groove is found, then life and parenthood...FLOWS! And its quite lovely. I have learned to LOVE LOVE LOVE housework! And anyone who knows me...KNOWS that is Strange City FOR REAL! I love the feeling of accomplishement in my household. A few of my new passions...Having bottles made for the day, having all the cloths cleaned and folded and neatly arranged, making my sons SMILE from ear to ear, dancing with my kids and daddy! Having laundry done regularly, keeping health-full foods for my fam to eat, spending TIME together! I am really loving life right now.

Fun stuff: Jeremiah (16 mos. is beginning potty training!) He is so awesome! He loves to dance and tell jokes that only we can understand, but still HILARIOUS! He is learning his colors and body parts....got the NOSE down pat. He goes around touching everybodys nose now!

Xavien (nearly 3 mos.) smiles often, very laid back style. He sleeps through the night most nights and is just a PLEASURE to be around. He is curious and uber strong for such a young person. He is trying to talk already! He just babbles and coos and has an expression...like "You know??" Love them!

Whatever they need, it seems God has infused us both with it! Our family is really gellin'! Its a wonderful look for us. Honey and I are treading on the outskirts of a deeper love and respect for one another. Our communication over the past two weeks has been incredible!! Knock on wood, but since that 4 AM thing...(vaguely salty), things have been great! We make sure that time spent with fam is FIRST! We both also have time to self, or for other interests. Even though a lot of place still need that touch of balance, I can honestly say that life now is running more smoothly than it ever has. I have MORE time for myself and all the things that I used to complain were missing from my life. Health and fitness, yoga, time to play with hair or read are all in there now! And since I work out now, I have enough energy to do ALL THE THINGS that I want to do! Its truly FANTASTIC!

I havent written much lately, because its been quite strange adjusting to this 'newness' about my life. But it is truly a joy, and I am deeply thankfull! I just want to send a shout out to my homie, God! Your presence in our lives is SUCH A GOOD LOOK! Thank you...for EVERYthing. You are the ish!