Forgotten Memories

I am a student of life. I love my mind and THE MIND! I am obsessed with humanity and its corresponding spirituality. I can clearly see the connection between the two, in a lot of places that most people I encounter cannot. It used to haunt me, but now I can accept it. Problem is...and this is serious. I wanted to blog about it in depth, but I am really not sure where to go next with this, so I will just keep it pretty general.

This past sunday after a wonderful weekend, of spending time with family, baking brownies with sister and just having fun, I journaled early in the AM. It is my favorite time, Sunday mornings, because they are lazy and my man and children are asleep and God can have me to Herself. :) I walk around, sipping water, REALLY paying attention. Just enjoying the moment that I am in with no noise, no distractions. Well after yoga and a healthy breakfast and light cleaning (yes I have been on top of it! House stays neat!) I sat down at my computer for a little free-writing. I started to ask God about the guilt that I feel. I am always feeling guilty for something in my life. Whether it be saying yes, when I want to say no or visa versa. I feel guilty for not wanting to always k.i.t with my fam. I feel guilty for not being MORE than I am sometimes. Some is warranted, most is irrational. So I decided to ask God for help. As I have finally reached critical mass, and am ready to let go of it.

What came next distrubed me. Now if you are a writer, then I'm sure ther are times where words just seem to flow out of you. With you as the watcher. Well I had one of those times. I sat there watching the screen for what would come next...as I truly had NO IDEA! I wathced my fingers as they deftly and efficently typed NONSTOP for seven pages. SEVEN full pages were typed. And in them a revelation that SHOOK up my world. I had typed, IN DETAIL, an occurence that happened to me as a little girl. While I typed, I saw images of things. Clear as if I were in the day. I saw my little girl legs, I saw my clothes, I knew my surroundings, though they were vague. I saw my mothers face as a young woman, probably a little younger than I am. I saw what she wore. I heard what she thought. I had an awareness that was above and beyond that of a child, but at the same time, I was aware that I was infact a youngun!

I am afraid. I dont know what to do. Because what I wrote, if spoken with my mouth could shake up my ENTIRE FAMILY! I have reason to believe that a person who I grew up with pretty closely, did something he didn't have any business. And after reading this back to myself I was shocked. In these pages were insights that I have never known. But they were so vivid and so clear and so FAR from where the journalling was originally going...well not really. It TOTALLY explained where my GUILT stems from. The writing explained how this occurence has altered my life, pointing out situations to THIS DAY, specific situations, where I am affected by this, without having had conscious knowledge of what happened. I am afraid. It all makes too much sense. It all makes PERFECT sense! There are so many feelings that I avoid in my life, because of this. I feel dirty and ashamed and guilty and now I am hesitant to even bring it up...because even though I KNOW its real and I believe it with all my heart to be TRUTH...I dont know what move to make next.

Let me point out, that I am aware that the obvious move is to seek therapy. However I must admit...I feel a bit weird about that. I mean what do I say?..I was writing one day and remembered that...oh yeah...I was molested as a youth! In fact, I think that's why I have intimacy and trust issues in my life. That is also why I avoid normal pleasure. That is why I am afraid of giving in to good feelings and LIVE in bad ones. I dont think I deserve to be happy or genuinely loved. I avoid friendship and even deeper connections with my closest family, because...I feel damaged. That is why at the age when my sexuality sprouted...I was hypersexual, then when I was unable to handle all that came with being sexual...I began to put on weight. To protect myself from having to feel sexuality at all. Sigh...and knowing all this...doesnt help. AT ALL!

I dont know why I am sharing this, or why I have not found it difficult to talk about with a few choice people. I know that there is nothing that is going to happen because of this. I guess its because even though it happened to me, and I feel pretty detached from it...I just can't accept it. Sigh...Oh well...

Back to life...back to reality, back to the here, and now, and then.