Getting my ass beat again...

Fast Forward. I am 12 years old. I had a little middle school boyfriend. We will call him Joe. Because that was his name. We used to 'go together'. It was nothing serious at all...until he wanted to have sex...that wasnt even on my radar. We broke up or stopped talking, whatever you want to call it. He went on to 'talk to' my friend Brandi. She was very pretty, very curvy, a popular kid because of that. She was a very innocent type of girl though. However, the combination of those attributes made her a hot commodity in the middle school circuit.

I dont remember feeling any ill feelings towards her about breaking the code. Probablyl because I didnt even know a code existed. I was however, a bit perturbed that she told me that Joe didnt even acknowledge that we used to kick it. I wondered why? But it passed whatever, I was young and those things were really unimportant to me. One day, Joe came up to me and said he missed me. He said that Brandi was pretty but he really wanted me back. He missed our conversations. So...naturally I told Brandi...because she was my friend, he on the other hand wasnt shit! Well the next day at school as I walking through a crowded hallway I saw him marching towards me with fury in his eyes. Immediately, I felt that familiar panic. I knew this wasnt good. He asked me why I told Brandi those lies. I saw her cowering in the hallway behind him, avoiding my eye contact. I looked him square in the face and said, "I didnt lie". And so he hit me! Right in the hallway in front of everyone. And then proceeded to put me in the headlock and keep punching me in my side and gut. Background noise was just that...I couldnt BE-LIEVE this was happening!! I also remember noticing that my friend Brandi was nowhere to be seen. When the bell rung, he let me go and the chaos cleared. I went into science class and I heard people talking about it. "I'm okay...it was nothing" was what I said. Humiliation is what I felt. And hurt that my friend didn't even come to my defense. She told me she was afraid. "Afraid of what??" I thought. He wouldnt hit his precious Brandi! Sigh...but alas. Here I was again, being attacked...with noone to come to my defense.

The beliefs that I have because of these two events alone are:

I am not good enough.
I am out here all alone.
I cannot trust my friends.
Telling the truth attracts punishment.


I'm sure I was supposed to learn to depend on myself. To be able and willing to defend myself in times of need. To not have expectations of others just because I have them for myself. But I was young...and I took the experiences with the wisdom of a young child. And now they are locked in my consciousness as victimization. And I honestly for the VERY LIFE of me dont know the 'technical workings' of getting them out. Or changing them for the better.

I am crippled by outdated beliefs, but I dont know how to change them, in a meaningful way. Sigh...well just anotha day...blasting to the past!