I'll Have my Good NOW, please...

Must I suffer now...until the moment of my salvation? Or is suffering all in my mind. Can I be different, not by my life changing...but by my perspective changing? Do I have to endureth, and try not to be weary in the midst of dark storms before I can see the crack of day breaking through or is the darkness all relative? These are some questions that I am pondering lately, because in a lot of circles of people that I know who are on a spiritual path...it seems that there is this common belief that it is normal to suffer. And somehow this is all a part of Gods plan for us...and that it will somehow make us better and more humble servants. To me this just sounds like a way to justify your ignoring him telling you constantly..."there is a better way...not only YOUR way". I believe that suffering is a part of life...but I honestly do NOT believe that it is Gods intention that I grow that way...What makes me say that? Because as far as I can remember, in the midst of my suffering...He was always there TRYING to alleviate my pain. To show me where I had a wrong mindset, or what needed to be changed to get me from where I was mentally, to where I 'claimed' I wanted to be. I have always heard that small voice comforting me when I was down, countering the many attacks on my self that I dished out...offering me options other than the ones I chose to see at any given moment...but usually in the moment...its much easier and much more likely that I would allow the current of defeat, depression and guilt and "woe is me" take over. As I begin to monitor my mind more...I can see more than not...I really do have choices...and MOST of them arent always obvious...not until I shut up the constant dialogue of fear...and LISTEN. I am being led ALL THE TIME. I say I want something...and the world moves to get me in the position to have it. This is usually the time where I get scared...and start sabotaging myself...then ask God...Why hath he forsaken me? And the answer is always the same. It is not I who denies you. Once again...I am nudged to look at the real culprit. That familiar "friend" who is always in my thoughts...but not always in my best interest. I am my own worst enemy. And I suffer when I dont KNOW that. When I dont SEE that. I pray and pray sometimes for relief from things that I am not willing to let go of...then I wait patiently consoling myself with the same old thing...This is all happening for a reason...God must have a bigger plan...Yes for me to WAKE UP! To see that it is NOT written in stone that I will somehow get closer to him through suffering...tho that is paritally true....When you suffer you are being called to rely on him as never before to help you through. And if you let Him then you will KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt of his GOODNESS. But I believe that if we listen to the sublte messages moment by moment and watch as they manifest GOOD in your life, you will come to the same conclusion. And it will be all good. I dont know...its just seems that lately the God that wants me to be burdened to understand freedom, and broke to understand abundance, and afraid to understand love is not accurate. I think he loves me so that I understand love. He infuses me with hopes and dreams..so as I achieve them I will understand freedom and he blesses me CONSTANTLY so that I understand abundance. Only thing...I have a hard time understanding it...so I usually dont accept? Is that Him choosing my suffering path? Or is that me? What chall think?