I think i'm depressed again

I am mad all the time when I have to face my life. I dont want to be alone yet I dont want people near me either. I am seriously contemplating taking some medications, just to see if there really is a difference between the way I am accustomed to being...and "normal". I mean...dont get me wrong, this is normal for me...but lately I have been wondering if it could be better. i know that there is no magic pill...and if it does work, I should only use it to help me know what I could feel like...but I am tired of this. I'm not overwhelmed, which should be some sort of red flag, because I dont feel well...AT ALL! Now mind you...this feeling that I speak of right now is constant. Even when I am elated...and feeling strong and optimistic it is always there...just NOW! In this moment...I realized that it probably shouldnt be. And that maybe all my relevations and learnings would be much more impactful if I didnt have this dark azz cloud always around. Its strange to talk about it...cuz I feel like I have long ago accepted this darkness as a part of who I am...but maybe thats the problem...its not and I'm just carrying it around as if its me, draining myself even further. I dont know what to do really. I have written on peoples blog saying...I understand when they speak of depression, cuz I do! I know depression quite well. I actually boast sometimes saying that I have found a way to co-exist with it. But...what the fuck??? I dont want to co-exist with something that drains my every hope at happiness. If I have to share my life with anyone or anything...it should promote joy and peace and harmony in my life....not fear and exhaustion and just ...THIS! So...I guess this time had to come...I am going to actively seek to eradicate this from my life. While it gives me a thread of commonality in this world, and gives me justifications for not being MY BEST! It also robs me of my potential, and keeps me and all things that I love...arms length away...and quite honestly, that is just not gonna work for ya girl anymore! I have a son, who I love with all that I am...but if I dont beat this beast now...he will be raised by a mother who lives in denial. And its much better to be fucked up and real, than pretend that its gravy when its really shit! hmmm...I dont want to post this cuz I feel like Im kinda crazy going from one extrmee to the other. But it only seems that way if you dont understand how one can LIVE depressed. I can appreciate my many blessings...and still be depressed. I can have good fortune, miracles of all kinds, confirmations of my faith...and still be depressed. I dont understand it either...but I know...that Im tired. I want this to be a done deal! So...here I go...AGAIN! And hopefully for the last damn time!