Mommy part Deaux

That chick is dying. That chick I wanted to be for so long. That chick that was Fly beyond belief and just doin her damn thing. She is dying in favor of another chick...who I am terrified of. The mother of two. Help me mothers cuz I have so many demons regarding this.

I dont want to belive that children kill your dreams or defer them so far that YOU find it hard to recognize them...but deep down in the silence, I do.
I dont want to feel that any chance of fabulousity or real personal growth is gone...but deep down in the silence I do.
I dont want to think that I have to trade my self for the shoes of being a "mother"read: martyr...but I do...(yeah I got issues with that too)

See here's a little background...My mom said things all the time to the effect of..."I wanted to but I had yall to think about..." or she would say..."that would have been nice, but I have kids..." And at the time I would think...HA HA! (SIMPSONS) But now...these things are resurfacing...Is it possible to still be who I am and be a mother. To continue to grow and not fuck up their life, as I am still learning? Can I be the woman of my dreams and still have a family with familial obligations? I feel like my world, though enriched in many ways is closing in around me. I feel like I need to make some serious DECISIONS...major commitments! I dont feel it with urgency, but I do feel it with certainty. The intensity is unmistakable. I am about to be two little humans mother. Am I even big enough for this job? I try to say, God knows what He's doing..but then I remind myself it was not God who got me pregnant. Well I guess that depends on what you believe, but neither here nor there. I am AFRAID. Moreso than ever before. Who am I going to be? I am so afraid of losing myself in this process...I feel the remnants of my former self slipping into oblivion more and more each day. When I cant wait to get to my son...and his awesome smile. I think that is so awesome to love him so much...then panic takes over and wonders what happened to the girl who wanted such and such. She is not really here anymore. This is such a curious notion to me...I am changing. And I am aware of it AS it is happening. Im sure this is all normal. Priorities change, desires change, LIFE changes...But I never noticed before I guess. Now its hard not to notice. I am not in Kansas anymore...and Kansas wasnt the spot to be...but I shole do miss it! Sigh...