09 May, 2007

Could it be true?

Has anyone ever told you something, their opinion about you that they believe to be true? And it totally contradicted what you think about yourself. A close friend of mine told me that I am an unappreciative...and while my instinct was to deny it vehemently...I couldnt. It touched something just beyond my awareness...I kinda wonder if on the outside of my bubble...could it be true? He asked me some tough questions...how do you show the people that mean the most to you that you appreciate them?...and I dont mean telling them. Well how else do I? I dont. He gave me homework. He asked me to look back over my life and look at all the ways that I have to be thankfull--yet let it go unexpressed. The prospect of this makes me feel very uncomfortable. Why? Maybe because I will see some things that I would rather not see. He told me that I took my man for granted...and I FOCUS on the wrong things...I dont know bout that one...I mean some stuff just jumps right out there...but...I know he thinks I dont appreciate my mom...cuz even tho she is one of my challenges in life...she is ALWAYS there for me. I know that one touches home for him because he lost his mom too. Yall this is really hard for me. I tend to look at things as I feel ready to approach them...never before has something like this been brought to me before...challenging me...like WHAT??? Now in my mind...I want to dismiss him and his OPINIONS...and holla at him next month...like I do. But if there was not an ounce of truth in what he said...I would not still be thinking about it. It would not BE like it is. I know that I dont necesarily DO things to let people know I care...but I do care. And isnt that what matters? Is that weak? This has thrown me for a friggin LOOP out of this world! I dont want to think about this any more...but do I intend to run from this...sigh--NO! I cant now...Now that I have been called out...on a secret fear of mine. Does anyone out there understand my brand of compassion? Is that their fault or do I need to find ways to express them? Or was he having a bad day and decided to give some of that janky energy to me? I dont know...Guess I need to pray

Dear God...I am aware that I do not know all things...but as you see fit you reveal them to me...using many avenues. For that I am so grateful. If this message that I received today is your way of letting me know that this is something that needs to be addressed, please help me to understand...because I am at a loss. I find it extra hard to think that I just dont appreciat ethings...I feel like I appreciate all the time. And I can show appreciation for the smallest of things...so If my mind is blocking something please remove them so that I can see. So that that part of me can be healed. I want you to know that I do feel the resistance in my mind. I feel that there is at the very least something that needs to be addressed, but I dont even know where to start. As usual...I know you do...so please lead me, guide me into this lesson as gently and lovingly as you can. Because there is a lot of fear and trepidation inside me at this so called revelation. I am feeling very vulnerable right now, but If You feel that I can handle it...then I trust that I can too. Thank you for listening.

2 comments:

Sweet KeiKei said...

funny...somebody told me this the other day too but i definitely dismissed it because i feel that i do show it.

perhaps i actually don't.....

perhaps i appreciate the wrong things and the wrong people at the wrong time...

so many issues to deal with....i just wish i could be issue free.... at least for a little while.

xoxoxo

Keelah said...

Girl! Me too, me too...