Elevated

Its time for me to elevate my mind. I have been hearing these lies for so long that I have accepted them as truth. What was once crazy insanity, is now a belief that I measure myself by...and I fall short. When I was younger I was SKINNEEEE! I couldnt wait to have hips and thighs...they were the mark of a woman to me. I thought it was so sexy when I saw a real life woman being all sensual and sultry...free to express her womanhood as glory. I felt so boyish, so "young". I couldnt wait til I had some meat on my bones with which to hypnotize the world. Well...technically I have that body now...only unlike my wiser and younger self...I hate her! I hate that my thighs are so meaty...they are the sexy long legs I begged for as a youth...but now I feel fat...and quite honestly I am not. Why do I feel fat? Because the standard for beauty tells me I am, with every image, every advertisement for weight loss supplements, claiming this woman went from a size 8 to a 4...I feel HUGE! I am told that beautiful hair is long and flowy and shiny (insert beautiful music and woman moaning while rubbing her long luscious locks here)--everything that is NATURALLY not my hair. My hair is curly--VERY curly. It is not shiny by nature--and tho it is about 11-13 insches long...the shrinkage has it looking like its about 4 inches long. Its beautiful and complex. It soft and fragile. It is bold and unique...but do I respect it. Not really. Actually my actions say I am ashamed. I love my hair...but only in secret. Becaue most people dont get it..so that means I cant get it either. Insanity that I have accpted as truth. My skin is mahogany brown. I prefer not to wear makeup...not becaues I dont know how to wear it...cuz thats the excuse I give, but because I LOVE the way I look and feel without it. I only "want" to wear makeup because its like a cultural thing. Everyone is doing it! haha and yes if everyone jumped off the bridge...Its like so many little things that I have adopted a long time ago...that dont make sense to me...yet my world operates by them just the same. I should be seen and not heard...that is from childhood. And my voice is stifled. Ladies dont sit with their legs open...well I always wore jeans...didnt see the point for crossing my legs. All these many messages of past and present only serve to say that what you are naturally is wrong. It is not good enough. You need to be more... But more what??? How can I be more than I am. I'm already everything. I am so much, and I limit myself by believing that somehow I must be more. I must appreciate ALL that I AM. After all ...I am a child of the MOST HIGH! How is that not enough of anything??? He thinks I am perfect. Me and my coiled hair, my soft beautiful body, my introspective mind, and my kind heart. My need for relaxation--DAILY!!! My need to speak what I feel is true, but be humble enough to be corrected if I am not. My fear of failure and my equally insane fear of success. My light and my darkness. My insides and my out...how could I believe anything less? How could I buy into the whole 'not enough' paridigm. I am that I am...cuz he made me that way. And elevation not improvement is my motivation. Today I claim my divine inheritance. I am free to be me. I may not be right, but I am real. I may be different tomorrow, but today this is me. Today I am grateful for all that I am...and I promise that no matter what temporary mood takes over--, I will maintain my peace and my truth. I refuse to buy into the whole thin and lightly tanned and perfect anything exists. My perfection comes from me TOTALLY accepting myself as God made me. Claiming and reflecting my love and joy for the precious gift of life and communion. Today I dont have anything to do but accept and be myself. No matter what the status quo...I have to dare to be me...there is only one of me...and the world misses out...if i am trying to live up to any other standards than the ones that God made for me? I dont have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful...if I accpet the gift of beauty that is naturally mine. I do not have to talk a certain way or pretend to be where I am not in order to be...what I "think" I should be. As most of these thoughts are not mine anyway! Its pure madness...and my awareness of this in this moment...makes me SO GRATEFUL. I know I'm rambling...but its like...I felt so heavy...worrying about weight, and finances, and how my life appears to be...all the while missing opportunity to be grateful for how my life IS. It is lovely. I still have human problems, but I have God...so...by comparison. I cant be too concerned with that. I still have places where I need to judge less and love more, but I am being worked with on that. I have places where I choose fear over faith...but its all good. It happens. Do I stay there...no siree...I always come back. Cuz I live here. In Gods place. I dont live in Detroit...I live in God. I dont live in this world--with all of its falseness...I live IN GOD! Right now...I am. How sweet it is--to be loved by you!