Mama why?

My mother is trying so hard to be a part of my sons life. I want to let her...and I do, but in my heart I have some serious reservations about it. I dont want to, but the reality is that I do. My mother has hurt me so much in my life. She has told my secrets, stifled my creativity, stomped on my dreams, disrespected my experience, and then left me out to dry when I seemed to be drowning in a life that I was not prepared for. Now mind you, when I need money or anything like that she will help me out if she can...but what I need most and have always needed from her has been that WOMAN to show me what womanhood is all about. Someone to say they understand while holding me close. A place where I could cry if I needed to , where I could go and release whatever burden I was carrying. But I have never had that place in her...maybe it was too much to ask...but I dont think it should have been. I feel like that is the preistly role of mother to child. Am I wrong? Am I delusional to crave that type of thing from a human mother? I dont know. I dont want to be one of those women who blames mommy (or daddy for that matter) for everything. As I am well aware that I am a grown ass woman now with my own life and my own child...and I just HAVE to accept responsiblity for my experience, but it still hurts. It still hurts after all these years, that she always thought I had ulterior motives to wanting to hang out with friends, in HIGH SCHOOL. That she would get angry that I would rather do extracurricular activities than babysit my sister like I have been since I was 6 years old! That she accused me of sleeping with everything with a dick...waaay before I even knew what sex was. That she always rode my ass--to excel just so she could brag to my family about my 'good grades' or 'honors awards'. Like my mind, heart, and love was nothing to be happy about. She put emphasis on the wrong things...and because of this...I hurt. And our relationship is painful to me. She doesnt understand why we are torn. She doesnt GET IT! I can tell by the way she responds to me sometimes, that she has not a clue...even though I have tried many ways to express that...its like she literally CANNOT SEE! I love my mother with all that I am...which says a lot for the bond of mother and child...but I dont trust her. I dont trust that she really wants whats best for me. And I dont fully trust that the affection she shows toward my son is real. I dotn want to be this way...but I am. And it is deep. I am aware that I need forgiveness...but I cant. I tried last night...and the resistance I encountered was overwhelming. I feel like a large piece of my soul is wrapped up in this anger/resentment/distrust of my mother and I suspect that that may be infiltrating other areas of my life. I am tired. I want to just 'get over' my life story...but I am not sure I know how. I mean...this is MY LIFE. This is what has shaped who I am today...no matter how much progress I 'seem' to make...this hurt accompanies every breath that I take and threatens my peace in every moment. After all...how can I love as a mother, when I dont know what that love feels like? How can I expect to be loved fullyl, when that was not my reality? I blame my mother for my lack of success, my lack of self confidence, low self esteem, for my busted dreams, for my lowered expectations, for my confusion, for my closed heart, lack of emotinal development, for my guilt over enjoying life and my insane aversion to pleasure. All of the things in my life that i swore I would never do...I am becoming. I am becoming her as a way of dealing with her. I hurt yall. I want this pain to be over. Like yesterday!