Live and Learn...and Learn...and Learn

~i prayed for this...i prayed for strength...but i did not expect to be exercised to get it...i just thought it was going to placed in me. Am I spoiled or what?

Well yesterday...I was posting on Unknowns Blog...and she spoke of not understanding what was next...well come to find out...the "wisdom" I "thought" I imparted was much more for me...I thought the next logical step was to be able to be you and let everyone else be them...and someohow be unaffected by it all. I wrote it so matter of factly like it was nothing. Like once you knew who you were, just do you baby! WRONG! And my life in such a short time has confirmed just how wrong I was. First of all...you should never assume that you know you. You are ever evolving, especially if you have a prayer life. There is so much to be revealed to you...and I suspect that will go on forever. We probably dont even have enough time to know it all. (so why do i feel i must pretend to? hmm) After each prayer ...you are not the same. If you had a breakthru...even if its one you had 3 months ago...your mind and heart expands a little each time. Your understanding grows and you literally change...so there is not such thing as just BE YOU in the world...and let anyone else be them. Life is so much more than me and you anyway. Yesteday on the way home...I felt my mans melancholy. He is really depressed right now. And so of course his moods are not the greatest and his outlook is dim at best. He feels uneffective and just worthless. Our son is his only brightspot in his otherwise dismal life. And so I asked him gently, If he was interested in starting a relationship with God...and he thought for a moment...and then replies..."I dont ever think about Him...so I guess the answer is no!" I was shell shocked. I mean...I was at a loss for words. And for me that is rare! Later we were talking about our situation...and he kept asking me HOW things were goign to work out...and my response was always, I dont know...but I have faith that its going to work out. And I tried to show him many times in our lives where miracles happened, when we didnt know how, but it just didnt resonate with him...as those being God experiences. And my mind went crazy, attacking him, judging him...criticizing him for him not being "like" me. Trying to be more spritual...and its not just him. I criticize my mom and my sister for not being more aware. Why? I wonder...If I'm trying to think about God and live for Him is everyone else not...It would sure make things easier for" me". But this is not supposed to be easy...but it is supposed to help me grow. And they are not always the same. I know what I need to do now...I need to find enough confidence in my faith to live it without requiring that everyone around me coroborate MY story. After all when it becomes an issue of ME, God has moved to second place...and that is certainly not the space I want him to occupy.
Please God, help me to know you better. Help me to hear you and feel your peace in, up and thoroughout my life. Help me to be love everyone as you love me. Without judgement, with the highest love and patience. Help me to feel gratitude for alternative views, since that proves that I am not alone. In my search for truth. The struggles I face, different from others, but ultimately just the same. We are all searching for you...I can see that. Sometimes we get so afraid of what is out here...that we draw back...but I know we all seek you and I pray that we all find you. so that together...we can BE the GOOD that you see in us. God...I am struggling to exist in this world. I feel like everything is tryign to get me away from you. Please illuminate the way that is directly to you...so that there is less confusion. Thank you. Love