Adjustments...

My man doesnt live in Michigan...with me and our son. He currently resides in New Orleans. We have had two week long visits with him in the last 2 months. He calls me every day. Sends me and My-mi lots of love and sweet words. He sends a nice amount of moola every two weeks or so. Sometimes more frequently...never less. He is trying to do what he feels if fiscally best for our growing family.

I am pregnant. I am working. I do not like to work. It was under the assumption that when he made enough to cover our living expenses and after the baby in my belly is born, that I would not work. We would all move to Mississippi and blah, blah, blah...Happily ever after!

Well since the original plan, I have decided that moving south is not going to happen right now. Mainly because my family is here...and they are in love with my child. They help me a lot and I dont want to be seperated from them especially while my children are young. They deserve to have their grandparents in their life. My parents are the only ones they have. Besides...after living there for two months...he KNOWS it is not a place where he wants to live. Or raise our family. He is city to the bone!

Now...the dilemna...while he is away...I am adjusting...as any creature that you put in any environment will eventually do. I am adjusting to living a life without him. Where I was once in despair about not seeing him every day, I am becoming 'comfortable' with our daily phone calls. Where I was in agony over being in a single parent situation, I am becoming 'comfortable' doing all that needs to be done. Where I was once devastated by going through this pregnancy alone, I am finding solace in the love of my child and the growth of the one in my belly. I mean...did yall hear...I even kill bugs now! BIG ONES. I am scared. I am scared that he is being phased out of my life. I dont want to believe this...but this is my experience. I dont even talk much about it...because the indifference is scary. When he first left it was so hard...I didnt tell him how much I missed him because I didnt want to be viewed as unsupportive, however now I mention every day...that he needs to COME HOME. Not so much because I miss him, but I fear if he doesnt come home and reclaim his space in my life...that it may no longer be there waiting for him. I have not told him this...because honestly, I dont know how. How do you say, " I know you've not been gone that long, and you're doing this for us...but this space is not healthy for us...and yeah we have two kids...but...." See I dont even know HOW to do that. I.dont.know. Our connection is not feeling very strong right now. When he calls me before I go to bed...or leaves a message because I'm already out...I feel so conflicted. I want to tell him how I feel...but I fear what is on the other side of this conversation...I am such a big PUNK! This is life. Raw as it gets for me. This is one of the most REAL situations I have been in. And I'm not dropping the ball...I'm just not doing anything else with it either. Sigh. I guess now would be a good time to pray.