Plain Jane

I am a plain girl. I am extraordinary on the inside! I have a lot of passion (somewhere) and a lot of potential for GREATNESS! I have a broad range of interests (most of which I dont even touch on here) but I feel so...well rounded. But what has always and seems to continue to be a weakness for me is physical presentation. I have never mastered capitalizing on my personal brand of reperesentation. And the longer I live...the more I am realizing how important this is and how many areas of my life this crosses over. I am cute. Not cute like I have told myself enough times to believe it (tho I have-cuz I cant help it..) But I am really an attractive woman, yet I dont use half of what I'm working with in a useful way. It is in my nature to decorate plain things and make them sparkle. It is one of my many talents in life. I try to bring out the best in people, situations, and life. I am told I am even doing that when I feel shitty and like I have nothing to give. Which yes...has been a lot lately...but I remember one day we were given paper bags and we were told to put a number on it...for some game (memory lapse) but I remember thinking...MY bag was going to be the SWEETEST bag around! It was fly...a lot of people wondered why I did so much more extra...and I never had an answer...it was just as I am designed to be. As a child I NEVER second doubted my instincts to elaborate on things...however my appearance is just as plain as a new brown paper bag. No marker, no glitter, not even a damn number of distinction. I dont understand how to get out of this...rut. For the past few years, I have tried to get 'used to' and even boastfully accept being plain, bragging that I'm low maintenance, scoffing at women who actually had themselves together...but the truth is...I'm not low maintenance...Im boring and plain and it does NOT in any way shape or form reflect the REAL ME! But how do I go back after all these years of showing up the same way? How do I break away from the familiarity of this cloak of khaki I have all around me? How do I begin to celebrate myself when its obvious that I gives not a DAMN now? I dont know how to change...even if that change is transforming into who I am SUPPOSED to be.

I look around at my home, my car, my wardrobe, my desk, my eyebrows, my life...and it DOES not speak anything about WHO I AM. I mean technically it does...but the person who it reflects...is not who I AM. She is some weird android imposter, who I let run my life for a while. And look at what she's done to it...made it gray and boring. Sigh...just venting...i doubt that anyone can really help me...but me.