I'm going....shopping.this.weekend...sigh

Okay I MUST buy some maternity clothes now! I dont know why I dont like maternity clothes...seeing as though I am VERY pregnant, but I have some type of psycho-somatic avergence to clothes with a big belly part!! When I was pregnant with my first son...I kept wearing my street clothes until I LITERALLY couldnt get them on. I mean I didn the open button, unzipped zipper, the cover up a too tight shirt with a big azz jacket thing. My ass kept expanding...so my shirts got longer. My heels got shorter...but my clothes stayed the same. Weird huh? People started to ask me why I wasnt maternity shopping...and I gave every excuse I could come up with. But I think its just because I dont want to buy these BIG AZZ CLOTHES!! Now my mom thought it was because I didnt have any money...so she tricked me one day saying she wanted me to help her buy something and took me MATERNITY SHOPPING! I bout died! The whole time we were there, my nose was turned up (very ungratefully) and I just felt disgusted by all the panels and elastic...and HUGENESS!!! I felt embarrassed almost. I tried to only buy things that didnt "look" maternity. I wish I could embrace this like NORMAL. But I cant. As soon as I delivered my son, I packed up all my M clothes and gave them to the Salvation Army. Mind you I still have 2 garbage bags of regular clothes that I have been "donating" for years! So when I got pregnant again...so soon after my first pregnancy...the denial is even deeper...cuz I didnt even loose all the baby weight from my first pregnancy. So the clothes that I need are going to be EVEN BIGGER!!! Today I had to literally use a pulley method to get my azz into what I have on today...so my path of denial has come to an end. I must go shopping! My man sent me money to go a few weeks back...and I lied and said I did...so I really have to go...he will be back in 6 or 7 days!!!! I cant let him see me prying myself into these clothes. I am so ashamed--not so much of my body---but of my feelings about this whole thing. Sad part is I got a visa checkcard just to maternity shop...and I have not bought not one thing. its been weeks. NOT ONE THING. I have issues. maybe my shirt is cutting off circulation to my damn head!!! I dont know...but my discomfort today is going to have to trump whatever "issues" I have surrounding this...sigh....Dude! I REALLY need to see if my insurance covers therapy...cuz I'm reading this and I'm like..."THIS CHICK IS OFF!" [insert psycho laugh here]