14 March, 2007
Forgotten dreams
I was visiting Monica this morning and she sparked a rememberance in me. When I was smaller...it was my full intention to move out of this place. I never really liked Detroit. Its not a bad place, I just never felt at home here. Even with all my family here...I knew I would leave. But I am 27 now, and I am still here. Unhappily here. True my unhappiness and unease is not just because of where I am, but maybe that does have a lot to do with it. I never wanted to be here. I used to see a whole nother vision for my adult life and it is not turning out that way. I saw myself free and carefee and that is not the case. Not because of my many obligations (that I tend to ignore) but because this is NOT the life for me. I never really saw myself tied down. And I dont mean by marriage perse...I mean literally--unable to move freely. My spirit feels consticted. I saw myself as a follow the wind girl...yet I find it hard to make the next step ahead of me. Sigh. How did my free self morph into this girl? I look at the smaller areas of my life, where I allow fear to make my decisions and I have a vague memory of being FEARLESS. Where my decisions were made for me and regardless of what anyone else had to say about it...it was what it was. I keep saying this..repeating it over and over--how it 'used' to be. I am hopelessly stuck in the past when I was myself. How do I get back to her? How do I do that? Do I just pretend that I am still fearless, when fear is right on my chest? Do I just begin again? Seems to easy to be real? What if it is? hmmm--how would that change the way that I view the world and my place in it? It would change EVERYthing! Dear God, I pray to have your eyes and see all of the opportunity and abundance that you see. For your child is lost and having a really rough time holding the vision. Please God help me to move through this fear that has me feeling stunted and help me rise to greatness that I KNOW you have for me.
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6 comments:
this is how i'm feeling today...i'll keep both of us lifted in prayer.
God Bless!
Keelah, you will be OK. As a born and bred Detroiter, I am disappointed with its current state. It is improving in one area and going down in another. I still have love for the D.
I have not left for many reasons. I don't want to leave the mitten yet, in the future cause I am tired of the snow. I am beginning to hate the snow and cold.
I have realized though that if you don't change your mind it does not matter about the environment. Yes, a change in environment helps lift your spirits. All in all how you think about your life and act makes the real difference.
Unknown--I am praying as you read this...
Shai--you are right! I'm just goin thru some mental thangs right now...but honestly I have never felt 'connected' with Detroit...I still feel like a lifelong visitor sometimes, but as you said that may be a mind environment thing and not a physical one...hmmm DEEEP! :) So you are at work now...hows ur day going?
My days are slow cause of computer issues, so my training is nil. I am on the Net mostly. Shh. Don't tell no one. LOL. I am tired because my sleep schedule was jacked the 10 months I was off and this dang time change. I will get acclimated soon.
At least I have a job.
Keelah, if your heart is not here then it is not you cannot make it be. Look at what you want and determine your options and what you need to do.
I have to admit if things got real tight I would have moved to North Carolina where my child's father lives. We are not the greatest friends, I do know he would have helped out with finding housing and hooking me up with a job there.
Keelah...move.
Love,
Monnie
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