Glory!...where art thou?

The purpose of this blog originally was to write. To write what I thought basically, now in an unexpected turn of events, due mostly to the candor of my fellow bloggers, who I have MAD LOVE for...I have ventured off into the land of 'feelings'. Now...my last post by far was the most revealing of my present circumstances, but they by far define ME. Even though in the grand scheme...who I am is ineffable. Even to the most genious wordmaster, but I dont necessarily consider my life now my most defining....dont know the word. Anyway...my choices as of now were born long before now. My unsatisfactory relationship, my searching for male approval, my lack of trust in life in general was not born yesterday...nor was it born when this relationship began. It was birthed the day my soul light fizzled to dimness. While in Glory, there was no way, that I could accept anything less than what I deserved. There was no way, that I could allow anyone to treat me not one iota less grand than i treated myself...which was as a Royal should be. It was an IMPOSSIBILTY. When in glory...I didnt define my worth, but I knew it and I lived it and there wasnt much to be "said" about it. It was as it was. I took that for granted. And the price I paid for this shit is far too much. Over the weekend during the talk that I had with Tima--I remember telling her that my life hasnt been a stuggle in the context that we were speaking...but OH I beg to differ. After reading a fellow bloggers account of her "rape", which she too didnt CALL it one...I remembered...(how could you forget?) that I too have been raped...by ones that I love. Repeatedly, over and over again. I have been raped against my will, I have invited rape in, I have been thorougly raped, while being made passionate love to. I have felt tender kisses and warm caresses, all while outside of my body. Observing the act of passion as a lonely bystander. I actually came to believe this is how all peoples sex was. It wasnt fathomable to me that people could actually ENJOY other people being inside their body with them....as I always felt the desire to leave, whenever I let anyone in. I have had some incredible feelings in my body...usually by way of my mind. A mind stimulating man...does way more for a wet one than just a sexual inclination. But I have never enjoyed? for lack of a better word--the act of sharing myself. I usually do it because that seems to be what should be done. Another area of myself that is wounded, that I never would have consciously acknowledged had I not seen another. Thank you so much miss lady. And all of you ladies. your introspection is triggering something deep inside of me that has been begging to purge. To release and be released. But I know now the only thing I need to do is forgive. And that is not something that I know how to do. Its hard to forgive the first man to ever break my heart--for he tried to put it back together...he DID after all offer to share himself with me AND his girlfriend. Its hard to forgive my mother for calling me every word in the book for wanting to be a normal young lady in high school and have freinds and socialize--after all she did what she thought was best. Its hard to forgive my father, for living his own life...while his absence totally FUCKED up mine--after all he did what he had to do? right? The list goes on and on...but by far the hardest person to forgive is ME! I have let these circumstances become a part of me. I carry them close--guard them in my heart and protect them with my life...and I wont let them go. Cant let them go. I dont know how to. I am afraid that without my stories and hurts and pains and limitations...that I am nothing. I would like to believe that my relationship is my problem, or that my lack of resources that I need are my problem, but if I can be honest... my biggest problem does not involve anyone other than me. I hide my Glory inside of my pain...and I cant go there. Forgiving is not an option becaues I dont know the how of it. The concept is amazing to me but so is the sun coming out every day--even while I experience my greatest pain in living silence. I dont know how that is done either, but it is. I am too tired for this right now...Im gonna eat a hot sausage now...I cannot deal. Peace.

P.S. God, I know you are here now. I feel your presence. I know that when I allow you, you will show me the way...I am ready. Please do--no matter how hard I protest. Please take over my heart today and bring light to all the dark places. Please bring peace to all the tumultuous places. Please bring love to all the hatefull places. Please bring resolution to all the to be continueds. Please bring my Glory back to the forefront of my life. Please allow me to be your deliverance. This is my one and only prayer. Please deliver me from my SElf!