Where am I?

I was having a conversation with Tima yesterday and I admitted that I remember the very moment, the very prayer that caused my life to become difficult. I remember the day, my location and the circumstance. Let me go back...I was an enchanted child it you will. I CLEARLY REMEMBER being happy and joyful just because. I didnt want to go to sleep, I wanted to stay awake and just be aware of my aliveness and dwell in my happyness. I never really wanted for anything...It seemed like my cup runneth over for real. I loved. I LOVED DEEP. My heart was on my sleeve, but I didnt know where else it was supposed to be. I remember always wondering...Why dont people say what they mean, or express who they are? I remember thinking how odd the world was...but after so long I began to believe it was me that was odd. Maybe my honesty was strange...and the last thing I wanted was to feel rejected. It hurted too much. As much as I loved, was the depth of my hurt. And time and time again, people would purposely poke me until I decided to close up...lest they kill me. Which they did.
I was in 7th grade and we had to talk in school about some type of struggle and mine was trivial--hell I was only like 12 or something. And I remember this girl telling me that that was not a real "problem"...and I hurt so bad. She accused me of not struggling like everone else. She called me different and it made me feel so ashamed. Because I had not experienced rape or robbery (like some of my unfortunate classmates)...Later that day, I was on the bus...and I saw this woman. she looked weary. She was overweight, and bogged down with so much "stuff". She looked so tired and hurt but she kept moving. I watched her...and to say intently would be an understatement. I became her...if that makes sense. I gave her my ENTIRE attention. Which was so pure and so powerful back then...and I said with all my heart (which I have since learned is prayer) I want to know what she feels like. Ask and you shall receive. It is done to you as you believe. That is my testimony. From that very fall day in 92...my life has not been easy since. Yes, I have manifested a lot of things...because I am still myself...but it has not been nearly as simple to do so. My heart has not felt clear and my soul has not felt as real. My life has been riddled with hardship, mostly emotional...but for those of you who are your own biggest roadblock, you know thats the worst! I am finally feeling ready to reprogram myself. To reclaim my truth. Honeslty that scared me so much! Because I remember how much it hurt. But oh how real it was. How real I was. I heard a quote in a movie "...I was so innocent and wise and full of pain..." And she said it fondly...and I know why. Because even though it hurted so much sometimes, there is nothing like being who you are for the whole world to know. There is nothing like being free and loving from the very core of your existence. And I'll be there is nothing like being healed from that same place. I yearn to be healed from that place. I pray to dwell in that place, where I spoke and listened from my heart. Where I gave for the sheer pleasure of giving, and provided a space where people could come and be real with me. I cry because I miss loving so much that it hurts. I miss the vulnerability of being true. Of not basing my life or actions or thoughts or feelings on anything other than the space of my own soul. Dear God! I know you hear me. I know you feel me. I know you know me. Please help me to BE! I love you.