Lord...You got this one!

I am a woman, a mother, a wife (with NO damn ring), a receptionist, an optimist, and tired as hell. I know that as a woman, especially being a working mother, that it is ideal that I am able to multi-task. But this is proving to be something EXTREMELY difficult for me to do. I dont know how to make my life work...smoothly. I need to get to work on time and be productive while I'm here. I need to make sure that my car is kept in good order, that there are clean clothes, food in the house, house actually cleaned! (not even going there) I need to make sure that I am taking care of my body, by way of feeding myself nutritional foods, and making sure that my health and maintenance are handled for me and my family. I feel so overwhelmed with just the weight of regular living, that I wonder how dare I? How can I have the audacity to try to add more things to my life? Where can a church life fit in? Where can time to write fit in? Where will the time and energy come from to focus on my dreams? And how can I do these things and still be a mother to my son, a woman to my man. And true to myself? This is some BULL SHIT! I have to deal with working and not being there for my sons life. It really bothers me when my man tells me something that as his mother I SHOULD know...but I'm here, helping to grow anothers mans vision, helping another man reach his dreams. Do I sound bitter? Ha ha..yeah I guess I am. When I need time alone, my man is resentful--he doesnt feel like I spend enough time with my baby, but I think its just more by comparison--he spends more. Thats just the way it is. I work mornings--early mornings, so I need to get to bed early to start this fucking rat race all over again every day. He thinks he has it bad--he cant even imagine. What its like to have all this inside of you begging to come out, but instead of it doing so...I have to grind, and then with guilt, because no matter what I do there just doesnt seem to be time for me in my own damn life!!!! I am resentful to him. And he to I. And of course that makes going home just as stressful as being here. I need time to myself daily. I am a BITCH without it! Does he understand...not really. He seems to think that my work days are as easy as his were...back in his working days. nuff said--i think! But its not. I actually work. I have to spend myself here every day, because I am paid to be meticulous in every task that I perform. Lest this little money that I make wont be. Then what??? AAAAHHHH! I'm so fuckin pissed! I want to live my life...and it doesnt belong to me anymore! What kind fo cosmic joke is this??? And how the hell do I go from being so blessed and feeling special to the harsh reality that my life is fucked!!! I am not happy! I prayed for peace (and it was one of the most deep prayer sessions that I ever had) and its like the shit is hitting the fan. This is anti-peace. Maybe when I prayed to see the truth, I wasnt expecting for this truth to be so...UGLY! Well I'm done venting. I know where MY love is. I know that it is not my battle. I just have to stay faithful. It just gets so hard sometimes, when I look around and see a world that seems so unsupportive. So cold. And so not ....ME! I want the life I see in my dreams...when I have the luxury of dreaming. I want to be strong, empowered, beautiful, successful, loving, confident, and just FREE! Living life and Loving it. The state of being Truly Satizfied! Truly Fulfilled. I want it so bad...I hurt sometimes. And to top off all of this--I have the sneaking suspicion that despite my best efforts...I could be pregnant again. My son is only FOUR MONTHS!! Sigh! Why? I shouldnt ask this because I did decide last night that God could have this one. I dont know if I can handle this without Him. As a matter of fact...this is going to be my biggest testimony,.. I'm sure!! Because I have never felt that I needed to completly surrender to him. But there is no way on God's green earth that this is happening without him having a hand in E-V-E-R-Y PART of this. Love.