You cant hold the Good down...so why try?

I have realized that when God originated a desire in my heart...I usually do all I can to extinguish it. Deny it. Weird...?I know more people that choose to ignore him than accept it. That is why it is so commonplace to me. I have been in an environment of "talkers" about God and not Livers of his Wealth. I was talking to Chris today and during our talk one of my 'secret' dreams surfaced...and when it did...I got so passionate and fired up talking about that I almost cried. I have had a secret dream that only those very close to me (in proximity) knows about...and I almost never admitted it to most. Looking at me and my lifestyle choices, you would never know that I am passionate or even remotely interested in it...because I feel some sort of embarrassment and shame around it. So I guess you see why I never REALLY attempted to live it. I believe that it would hurt me somehow. Irrational fear, yes I know...but a fear just the same. A fear that has kept me and my dream eons away from each other...when in reality there is only air and opportunity between us. Over the years...I have tried to convice myself that it is a stupid dream (as I do with most of my dreams)...i try to convince myself that I dont really want them, because that to me seems easier than trying and failing...but somehow even after all this time...it keeps coming back. And I believe because it is not a desire born of Wakeelah the personality, but my soul wants to express that way. And deny it as I may...I cant keep it from being there. My friend suggested that I really make a plan to make this happen. Fuck fear. Fuck what the world tells me...Pay attention to my heart and the burning of the desire. Do what I have to do to see this dream actualized. It is killing me to kill all my dreams...but I really dont know any other way to be. So whatchall think...if one of my dreams is a long shot...should I try anyway? Like my dreams of writing...doesnt seem that long to me...owning my own business...that too I beleive will be natural evolution of my life. But this one dream...would challenge the foundation of my fautly beliefs and FORCE me to stretch beyond my limitations...it would attack my weaknesses and exploit all that I have attempted to negate my whole life...is it worth it? Shit to me it doesnt just sound worth it...it sounds necessary...like my life depends on it. It sure feels that way...sigh...Help! What do you do when your dream may have timed out? Or if your dream is too big for you? (note: I dont believe this is possible...but work with my fear here..haha) How do I move beyond this? Love.