Finding Balance IN God

I am an extremist! Either I strive to be perfect or I dont strive at all. Usually when I get down on myself, I leave myself no leeway to be human. I expect that I ought to be perfect. But when I am feeling blessed, I dont remember these times. Its as if the depressed person and her rational mind doesnt exist. Or at least its like a distant memory. I actually love her, because from this place...I KNOW that she knows not what she do! haha I LOVE those times, but I realized yesterday...that perpective is only a 'switch' away. When I find myself getting down, there are steps that I can take to bring myself into alignment with God. He is not going to come to me...he is already here. I have to strive to stay with him. It was such a GOOD lesson for yesterday because I used to think that people who kept their mind on God...were avoiding life. I had a suspiciousness towards them. I loathed people who thanked God (out loud) several times throughout the day...and who listen to only "spritual" music. And people who consider every stroke of luck, Jesus! And for those very reasons...I have been miserable, because it is in my nature to be in that place. To dwell here, in all that I AM. Where I REMAIN thankful, and have eyes to see the miraculous that is literally plastered all over everyday. It is my makeup, to give thanks for the many many blessings big and small that God offers to me everyday. It is my responsibility to make sure that I have many ways to uplift my spirit to its rightful place of joy and peace. Be it dance, sprit stirring music, art, crafts, laughter. It is truly a gift that I can pray and communicate with God...whenver and wherever I want or need to. That alone is a reason for CELEBRATION!! He has given me many ways to find him...yet I scoffed at them all. How high and mighty am i? Or did I "think" I was. By no means am I arrogant enough to think that I wont ever get sucked back into the world of self importance, but the more and more times I visit the land of freedom, the more I will KNOW that this is the place for me. For this and ALL of life...I am so grateful. God I love you. Jesus...you too! And thank you both for the roads to work...I KNOW that you are real...cuz in the "real world"--that could NOT have happened!!! Yall are the bomb-fo-evah! Love, All-ways! Your proud baby, Keelah! *wink* Her Flyness!

Jealous love--oxymoronic? hmmm

Last night I went to church and it was good. But when I got home, my man decided he was going to go and chill with his friends for a few hours. No big deal...my ego wanted to make it a big deal, but in reality it wasnt. So fast forwarding cuz it was really boring. My son and I ate, laughed a little, had a few spitups, changes, tv, songs...and then he went to sleep. When he woke up...he was talking for a while. Smiling and gurgling but after a while, he kept looking around the corner for my man. But he didnt come. So J progressively got more agitated...until after about a half hour...it was full blown wailing! When my man did get back home, my son practically leapt to him. Okay...he's only 5 months he didnt leap...perse, but he buried himself into his chest and rubbed himself on his neck and calmed down. He looked at him as if he hadnt seen him in years. It was a look of love and excitement mixed with relief. And the sounds of his little breathing as his heart slowed down to regular pace was just...beautiful. My man admitted that the welcome almost made him cry. Now my whole thing is this??? What am I? Chopped liver. I felt so bad. Of course this just confirmed a stupid nagging thought in my mind...that I will NOT justify with words, but...sigh. I was a bit sad. And my feelings were hurt. Isnt this supposed to be the other way around? If at all. I AM however thankful that he got to feel that love that he was never able to offer his own father. That is a beautiful miracle. Thank you, God. But I want to experience that too. I am aware that what they share has nothing to do with our relationship...but how do I keep from actually being envious of the love that they share? Is this normal...or do I need therapy? Not that I can afford therapy...so I hope that is not the answer. Love.

Only one dinner...!

I am happy and proud to announce...that I, Wakeelah, for the last two days have only eaten one plate of dinner....And!! Yes, yall--there is an and...I did not eat anything afterwards (okay monday I had 3 boiled egg whites, but I thought that was good) I have never really written about my struggles with food, because quite honestly...its a bit weird. I eat when I feel any emotion. I find myself sometimes just standing in front of an open refrigerator....searching. For what? I dunno, my soul maybe...But since I decided that this lifestlye of denial and overcompensation with food was O-V-E-R!!! I feel a lot better. Now dont get me wrong--it is not easy. I have affirmations up everwhere in my house and car to remind me of WHY I am changing these unhealth-full habits. I have to trick myself into believing that treating my body well is a good thing...as obviously those are not current beliefs. I have to pretend to already have the body that I want...I am just working to carve it out of this bit of mass that I have accumulated. And you know what? That works. I swear I can see it underneath all this. I pray for help on this daily. I did a small workout in the PM yesterday...and that feels good as well. I am coming back into myself and it is a glorious thing to behold. I feel totally optimistic about this. I am a bit concerned as I have been here before...all fired up with change...and then BAM! Something happens...and I tailspin into a full blown binge, to be followed by a moment of peace, then infiltrated with guilt, shame, degredation and all types of other things...that hungry psychos go thru. But for some reason...I dont feel the same way this time. Something no matter how minute is different. Maybe because for the first time...I have not given myself a time limit. I dont care how long it takes--(well I wish it oculd happen in 2 weeks!) but I just want it done. And if it takes a year or more...then so be it. I will get there. One faithful day at a time.

Tracking Progress

Does anyone else ever read back over their old posts on their own blog? Or is it just me? Well I have noticed a pattern...I have all these 'things' that I want to accomplish, and I pray and I read, and I wish and I hope, and I research, and I bitch and moan...but what I seem to lack in this whole process is execution. BIG surprise huh? Well of course not really, but that is the only thing between me and everything that I "say" I want. I have dreams, but no goals. No plan to get things going. I want to get from here to there--with no blueprint...no way of determining progress, no personal measure of success. So I have decided that I will have to make mini goals that take me on to my bigger ones. I figure that if I can measure my progress...it will make it more likely that I will stick on the right path, and it will help me to remain accountable for my actions. I want sooo much. And my desire for so many things makes me feel overwhelmed somtimes wondering how will I accomplish them all. I pray for so much and though I know its nothing for God...I have a hard time navigating through all of my wishes to stay aligned with what I claim I want, so I since I have a goal board, and a treasure box...and I pray all the time, I'm going to assume that my prayers are on the way...I am going to "in the meantime" do what I can to assist in the process...as its become very obvious as of late...I am nothing in and of myslef. So here are my goals for this week. They are not very ambitious, but achieving them will mean a lot for me on my walk. I want to lose 2 lbs. I want to make four wall hangings for my sons room--which is coming together slowly but surely. That is it. I want to add like 10 more things (my mind is screaming "you can do more that that!)...but hey...I can be patient. I can take it slowly. I can build up to my dream. I can DO that!!! I will do that.

Friends! How many of us have them?

I was on Ms. Monicas site and she asked a question...what do you do when a friend hurts your feelings? And my answer, which is the honest to God truth is to not speak to them anymore. And that is sad. It made me sad to admit it...and I hurt. Because I dont have any friends. I mean I have people around me that I can talk to...but I dont have any real- genuine FRIENDS! That I would love to take a trip with, or hang out with, or shop with, or do anything with. Now I didnt think it was that bad, but in reality it kinda is. I mean I dont have not one human on this earth where I can go to just...be. So anyway...I met this chick yesterday in family dollar, and we talked for about an hour about natural hair, and recipes for conditoners, and the bible, and relationships, kids, astrology, music, all types of stuff....I'm thinking this chick is cool but I was ready to go...so I gave her my number thinking "okay she can be my friend" Is that sad? But anyway thats what I was thinking, cuz we had so much in common--then we go outside...cuz I'm tired of being posted up at her job...and she gets to talking about going out on the weekend...we go from talking about living like Jesus-- from the heart, following the Lord to getting drunk and high and sleeping with guys that go to get girls at the strip club. sigh Im like WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Where did all our similarities go? I am NOT hanging with a person who thinks that is fun!!! ''To carry yo own rubbas and get down with the horny dudes on 8 Mile!!!'' It was so funny yall--she went from speaking proper english to talking bout scheming on n*ggas to get some quick d*ck! DUDE! What the? I hope she does NOT CALL ME!

She wanted to do WHAT????

I didnt mention this before today...but it is begging to be said. First you know that I am a new mommy...and if you read dear mama you know that it is not the easiest thing for me. I suspect that I do suffer from a mild case of postpartum, but...thats neither here nor there. I have set the intention to overcome this, and it will be done. But my sister came over with two of her friends last week and one of them is a new mother also. Our children are about the same age. Well she asked me what was it like for me...(to be a mom) and I answered honestly. Its okay but its getting better. Its really challenging because I am a bit of a selfish person. What I meant by that was up until my pregnancy, I was focused solely on me and my life--(of course that state of mind is not a luxury I can afford nowadays-haha)--I mean I still do...but I htink of improving my life so that the life my son grows up in...is worthy of him. Well anyway...I didnt break it down like that because never before has a "mother" not understood what I meant, when I spoke of my difficulties. He answer when I asked her the same was "its fun!!! its easy!!!" Hmmm-must be nice! I must admit, I was jealous when I watched the ease with which she handled her daughter. The way they touched, the way she moved it was pure grace. It was natural for her. I felt really bad, maybe my son deserved better, but instead he got me! Oh well...I'll get it. He loves me. sigh Her daughter never cried not once...she literally entertained herself for like an hour!! Unheard of in my house. My son can talk to the angels and stare at the lights with the best of them...but when he is done with that...he wants human attention...and you WILL comply. Thats the way he has us trained, so thats the way it is. haha Well anyway when he cries I hold him, when he is upset..I try to console him. When he wants to talk and spit...I talk and become a spit catcher! I dont know what else to do. I dont "get" the whole let them cry thing...but I do suspect that I will get it the next time around! *wink..well anyway. I still feel fumbly sometimes when I pick him up, or bathe him, or dress him. Its not hard...just awkward for lack of a better word. Well anyway..fast forward to the next day...my sister calls me and tells me that her friend said she wanted to smack me...for what I said! I'm thinking it was all good, so I'm like what...I do remember her asking me in a smart ass way do I have a hard time getting a babysitter cuz he was so fussy? But I blew her off...cuz I think ht's just fine the way he is. And for her information...NO I dont! But anyway...she said it made her mad that I said it was not easy to switch gears. Now granted it was not hard for her, and that is obvious..jealous confirmed...so what is your point???? I was just so hurt that when I admitted something true about me...that it was perceived to be this big ugly thing...and not just a shortcoming that I have. And in reality its not that...its a learning experience. I tried to think mean things about her about how she has no job, living in her mans mama's basement, how he doesnt respect her, and was not even there for the birth. He doesnt even want to be with her...he just feels bad putting his baby mama out! Then I found out...that she is only 20! Now granted, there are some mature 20's...however, she is not one of them. Her good mother testimonies were that she matches all her little shoes to her outfits, and that her daughter drunk 8 oz. of milk at 2 months!! I realized that maybe our minds are different, while I do yearn for that intimacy that I saw between her and her daughter, for real, for real.. I am more focused on providing a life for my child. Allowing him to have a LIFE! And that spans waaay farther than what he is wearing today...I want him to have a loving household, support, encouragement, a great EXAMPLE in me and his dad, God-first and foremost, goals, good morals, be grounded healty self esteem. So knowing all this...why did her comment pierce my soul? I mean dont get me wrong...I wouldve beat that little girl down! But why did she get to me like that? Why did it hurt so bad? Why did I mentally attack her? And tear her down? Why did her opinion of me make me feel defensive enough to get offensive? Why is she NEVER welcome in my home again? And why did I give that heffa a picture of my son...I want it back!!

You cant hold the Good down...so why try?

I have realized that when God originated a desire in my heart...I usually do all I can to extinguish it. Deny it. Weird...?I know more people that choose to ignore him than accept it. That is why it is so commonplace to me. I have been in an environment of "talkers" about God and not Livers of his Wealth. I was talking to Chris today and during our talk one of my 'secret' dreams surfaced...and when it did...I got so passionate and fired up talking about that I almost cried. I have had a secret dream that only those very close to me (in proximity) knows about...and I almost never admitted it to most. Looking at me and my lifestyle choices, you would never know that I am passionate or even remotely interested in it...because I feel some sort of embarrassment and shame around it. So I guess you see why I never REALLY attempted to live it. I believe that it would hurt me somehow. Irrational fear, yes I know...but a fear just the same. A fear that has kept me and my dream eons away from each other...when in reality there is only air and opportunity between us. Over the years...I have tried to convice myself that it is a stupid dream (as I do with most of my dreams)...i try to convince myself that I dont really want them, because that to me seems easier than trying and failing...but somehow even after all this time...it keeps coming back. And I believe because it is not a desire born of Wakeelah the personality, but my soul wants to express that way. And deny it as I may...I cant keep it from being there. My friend suggested that I really make a plan to make this happen. Fuck fear. Fuck what the world tells me...Pay attention to my heart and the burning of the desire. Do what I have to do to see this dream actualized. It is killing me to kill all my dreams...but I really dont know any other way to be. So whatchall think...if one of my dreams is a long shot...should I try anyway? Like my dreams of writing...doesnt seem that long to me...owning my own business...that too I beleive will be natural evolution of my life. But this one dream...would challenge the foundation of my fautly beliefs and FORCE me to stretch beyond my limitations...it would attack my weaknesses and exploit all that I have attempted to negate my whole life...is it worth it? Shit to me it doesnt just sound worth it...it sounds necessary...like my life depends on it. It sure feels that way...sigh...Help! What do you do when your dream may have timed out? Or if your dream is too big for you? (note: I dont believe this is possible...but work with my fear here..haha) How do I move beyond this? Love.

New for spring

I have always been obsessed with natural skin, body and hair care...but I never really allowed myself to get into it. I am noticing a trend in the news: everyday products that we use faithfully are being linked to all types of disorders and diseases, so I thought now might be a good time to look into putting as little "products" on my skin as possible. When I went to massage school a few years back, where mostly everyone was 'green'. Meaning they ate vegan or mostly vegetarian, natural products, really organic lifestyles, one of our instructors told us that if you wont eat it...it shouldnt touch your skin. At the time, it made sense, but not in a realistic way for me. I mean, I was NOT going to make my own soap or deoderant! I dont know bout yall...but cant do it! But now I'm coming around to seeing the benefits of a more natural approach to body care. My skin is acting a fool lately. I am becoming much more sensitive to the foods I eat and what I use on my skin and hair. I dont know if its age or just the fact that I know better, but I cant get away with what I used to. Nowadays if I dont drink enough water during the day...I wake up with a big fat "I-told-you-so bump!". It is not cumulative it is the very next day!!! If I eat fried food--my skin immediately gets greasy and/or bumpy which is a NO-NO in the Diva handbook! Maybe I am just coming out of some deep azz denial, but I am really seeing a DIRECT relation to my habits and the condition of my body(yeah i know...duh!) ...so I really gotsta get on it! Spring is here and I do plan on GLOWING--inside and out! With that being said, I went to a natural health food store on my lunch and got some natural face products, and some shea butter for my hair (which works wonders). I also picked up a few essential oils that are intended to assist me with some issues that I am working through. They are expensive for the amount...but I was really sensitive to the scent and they were really altering my mood in the store...so I'm going to add some sexy(ylang ylang) to my room and some invigorating(lemon) to my kitchen...and a little soothing (bergamot) to my bathroom. I've been doing research on them for a minute...and if they are half of what they are alleged to be...then this is gone be GOOD! I might even make some massage oil or hair stuff or skin stuff--as you can use them in so many different ways for so many different things...like good old baking soda its a mutli-tasker! And I love em for that! Well that is my new thing for now! Next feng shui--but ... One new thing at a time. Have a blessed day everyone!

Time for a change

I want to quit my job! This feeling is overwhelming! I dont know what to do. I have requested some informations for some graphic design programs around town, but lately I have the sudden and overwhelming sensation to just...BE OUT! This job was perfect for me nearly two years ago when I came here. It was a dream opportunity. I was unemployed and I listed several specific qualities that I wanted in employment and I got them all. I found employment with a small company where my boss was fair, and accessible. Casual corporate environment (as I used to build axles for trucks in dirty jeans and t-shirts). Nice pay (coming from zero!) and steady growth and advancement. (got a dollar raise every 6 months) Get along with my co-workers. And a job that utilizes some of my natural gifts and abilities. I felt like I actually "used" myself here. And I got true satisfaction out of a job well done...however nowadays I'm feeling different. I want more. There is more to me than there was then...and I am no longer feeling fulfilled or satisfied with what I do. I still LOVE this idea of the company and love to help people realize their dreams and watch their companies grow...but now its been activated in me...that I want to watch a dream of my own grow! I want more! I want more flexible hours so that I can spend more time doing leisure things and being with my son. I want to do something that is creative and fun and that I can get paid EXCELLENT wages for. I dont want to work just for money...but I dont want lack of money to be even a remote issue. I want to be able to be MYSELF while working. I want to set the tone for how I am...not corporate structures or an "image" of a company unless its my own. sigh...But knowing all that...I still dont know what I want to do...but I guess I didnt know the what for this either...and it really DID fit for a while. While at this job...I did gain some skills that I did not have before. I can navigate my way around multi line phones like nobodys business. I am much more confident in my ability to market myself and the company (which I totally believe in) I am organized and efficient. And multi-tasking? Nadda problem! Problem solving...EXCELLENTE! I am also much more confident in who I am as a person and the things that I have to offer. Being the only black girl in this office was one of my most challenging life situations to date. And with me being an urban black girl and not the kind they are used to was even more difficult. But I think I did aight! haha I am very thankful for this opportunity, but now I need more. I could take on more responsiblity here, but I just dont see the growth being something that I need on my path. I want something new and fresh and exciting. Something that motivates me to begin working every day and compels me to be my best! This isnt doing that anymore. So God...whats up? I'm ready when you are! You know my heart--inside and out! I am ready for what comes next. Love.

A whole new world

My mind is constantly running on how to be a good mother and how to evolve into a better mother. I am obsessed with this--in theory! haha When I get home I usually just need some time alone before I jump start mommy mode. But anyway...One day I was praying on this and I heard, "The best thing you can do for Jeremiah is to create the world that you want him to grow up in" What type of environment am I creating? I mostly remember my mom, but my dad was there too. They bowled in a league. It was always fun to go...frustrating that they wouldnt let me bowl--not even once!!! They took us to the drive-in. All I remember is Groundhog's Day...what I thought was THE most boring movie EVER!!! I remember out of town trips--family reunions and lots of ALONE TIME. I loved playing by myself...noone had quite the imagination that I had anyway--IMO! I was a little arrogant something! But that got me to thinking what qualities of my childhood would I like to offer to my child, and what ones that were a bit lacking that I would like to create just for him. And my little inner Keelah! Well I would love for him to see me and his dad, having real love for each other. Together or not...I want him to see respect, healty communication, and unconditional love. I want him to see us both committed to working together to help shape his life. That is very important to me. I believe this one is possible, because we both want that more than anything. I want to have activities that we do as a family. I want to take him to the science center, the zoo, museums, concerts, and the circus. Things like that...at least once a month. I want for him to have a lot of different experiences in his life. I will NOT be a lazy parent! I want him to be a thinker--able to draw conclusions and always connected to his heart! I want him to take some type of class maybe karate or some team sport. I think those things help to shape peoples minds as well as conditions the body. Which brings me to ...I want him to be active. I want him to be a moving child and one who respects his temple. I also want him to love and respect style. I want him to respect beautiful things. Read: I dont want him breaking my new shit!!! I want for him to have his own space! I love for everything to have its own place....hmm hence my strange love for containers of all sorts. Baskets, tupperware, decorative boxes, and the idea of labels--makes me purr!--wow the more I realize about myself--the bigger the weird factor! haha But ultimately, my son is in the world that I am creating right now. Yes this confusing, world that WILL yield to order and beauty and serenity and peace. I am so excited!!! This is going to be GOOD!

Damn I sure use "I" a lot!! I hope I remember that this is all about HIM!! LOL

Time to make my house a home

Everywhere I have lived, I always moved with the intention that 'this time', I was going to actually live there. Ya know? Walk in...and see essences of my self. Everywhere I look being reminded of my good taste! (lately its all about ME huh? smile) But usually for one reason or another, I just never get around to it. I stay places what seems like an average of 3 years and I never actually puncutate them! My home is always in design limbo. And I think I'm ready to acutally do something about it. Its not this ashamed urgency like usual. This time it is coming strictly from a desire to beautify my surroundings. Nothing more, nothing less. I have been persuing catalogs and magazines (ya like perooozing dontcha?! lol) trying to find design ideas. I always love to see how designers put a room together with things that I would have neva in a million years think of, and try to recreate them. I have only done that with a Thanksgiving centerpiece that I saw in Home magazine. It had tree branches and candles and petals and pearls and shit. It was beautiful. I couldnt stop staring at it in the magazine. And its crazy, between the dollar store for petals, some wicker candle holders (already had), fake pearls from the dollar store and a pretty vase from Marshalls, it was easy to recreate...what was the killer was that I went in Big Lots, which is not a store that I would normally go into...and they had these fake little tree branches that just completed the look--PERFECTLY!! I cant describe the elation that I felt over making that whole thing happen for like, less than 25 bucks. Why, then have I not continued on to bigger and better projects? Sigh...just another way to keep myself down I guess. But I am feeling really crafty nowadays. I want to create things. Beautiful things. I want to give my home a face lift. Now I want to complain about money, but I know that I dont need money to come up with a game plan. I know there are certain things that I can make and I want to make them. Dont know how long this is going to take, but this is my new project. Wish me luck!

Permission to speak, please?

Excuse me...but can I say whats on my mind? Can I speak how I do at home, with my dialect and my style? Can I sing to myself-in public- cuz music lifts my soul? Can I? Do I have your permission? Can I dress in a way that is bright and unique and that makes "me" feel good? Or would that offend you in any way to let my light shine? Can I admit to you that sometimes I dont know what to do or say...so I just say nothing? Would you make fun of me and pretend that you always have it together?(hmmm) Can I laugh? I mean really laugh, when I see the humor in something...even when you dont? Can I love whom I love without feeling guilty or ashamed that that person cant or doesnt love me back? Can I feel what I feel without having to temper it or transform it to something else that makes more sense? Can I just be me? Can I? Can I be passionate about expression of my true self? Can I? Is that okay with you that my life goal right now is to re-reveal my authenticity and let it ooze from every part of me-every word, every choice, every song. Can I--shine from here to heaven and back again? Is that alright with you that THAT is my intention and it will be? I sure hope so...cuz thats the only way I want to live. This may sound crazy, but subliminally I ask these questions all the time. During every encounter every conversation. I try to feel out what parts of myself are okay to reveal and what ones should I keep under wraps...well today I figured that there is none of me that should bring me shame or make me feel guilty. This is me. My spiritual evolution will refine me in the greatest way possible, so why should I feel less than for not being who I "think" I should be yet? And for who??? Other people and their expectations or my expectations of their expectations??? ha HA HA! No more asking anyone any questions on who I should be...time to be who I am--NOW! What do I risk people finding out about me? That I am not perfect? Duh! That I dont know everything? Ha Ha-well almost! That I'm not living up to my potential? Duh! That I am aware of that (and working on it)...and? That I get moody sometimes...they ALLREADY know that one! haha There is nothing about me that is so bad that I cannot share, and if it is maybe sharing it will help it be healed. Either way, keeping myself to myself doesnt help me. And it doesnt leave space for people to be who they are either. So from now on.... I'm letting it all hang out! Be FREE today! Love. First and always.

Thank you...

God for bringing me out of that space into this one with You. Thank you so much for making me aware of the subtle yet profound difference between the feelings that I had, the thoughts I had, and who I AM! I am in such a deep appreciation for You, especially right now because you love me enough to not allow me to continue throughout my day the way I was going. I can still feel it...but it is much much smaller and for that, God, I am humbled and grateful. I know that I am a bit psycho nowadays...and I know you know why so I wont even go into it now...but I just wanted to use this time to acknowlege You...and let you know that I KNOW and to say THANK YOU! Thank you for your vision...and thank you for your guidance. Thank you for this wonderful world, and the beautiful people in it. Including me! And thank you for the ability to change and be changed. I pray for all that you are to engrave yourself in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my human awareness...so that I ALWAYS know what time it is--even in the eye of the storm. Help me to believe that it is YOU delivering me and not just the passage of time, like my mind likes to tell me. Help me to be so intimate with you...that I disappear. God...I love you, I need you. And at this moment...I am aware that you are still here. Thanks...you are the best.

I AM....

such a BITCH today! I am not feeling this shit at all! I am at work instead of at my son's doctors appt. with him! I am at this job where I dont want to be today. Before I go all off on a full blown rant. I am appreciative to have a way to earn money for the things that I need to make my life work--IF that is what we can call this. Now back to my tude. I AM ANGRY. I AM NOT FEELING THIS DAY. I AM NOT FEELING THE PEOPLE SURROUNDING ME. They talk about such stupid things. Whenever there is an opening in space...someone finds a way to talk about themselves. I'm like hello get a blog--so that people can choose if they want to hear this shit. You are stupittttt!!! And then they practically FORCE you to respond. I dont have shit to say! And if you are wise, you would leave me alone today...for real! I am SO not in the mood. On an up note...I did get my period. Which may or may not be contributing to these mood swings. I am pissed off at this shit. Chris was just reading over my shoulder...and that shit just made my temperature rise about 20 degrees instantly. Which lets me know that it is me. Cuz normally, that wouldnt bother me...but TODAY...Lord help me. Cuz ooh wee...I'm hot! and not in a good way! I want my real life now. This space is becoming more and more unlivable for me. It is eating away at all resolutions for peace. It is making me...someone else. I dont like who I am becoming. But while I'm being this way...all I know is that everyone betta stay away from me...cuz I am waiting for someone to cross me...I WANT to smack some damn body today. And I really think I could do it with NO REMORSE!! Gotta love these gangsta moments. They dont come by often...but when they do....I feel sorry for all that aint me! Cuz right now...I just dont give a what!!! argh...

Forgotten dreams

I was visiting Monica this morning and she sparked a rememberance in me. When I was smaller...it was my full intention to move out of this place. I never really liked Detroit. Its not a bad place, I just never felt at home here. Even with all my family here...I knew I would leave. But I am 27 now, and I am still here. Unhappily here. True my unhappiness and unease is not just because of where I am, but maybe that does have a lot to do with it. I never wanted to be here. I used to see a whole nother vision for my adult life and it is not turning out that way. I saw myself free and carefee and that is not the case. Not because of my many obligations (that I tend to ignore) but because this is NOT the life for me. I never really saw myself tied down. And I dont mean by marriage perse...I mean literally--unable to move freely. My spirit feels consticted. I saw myself as a follow the wind girl...yet I find it hard to make the next step ahead of me. Sigh. How did my free self morph into this girl? I look at the smaller areas of my life, where I allow fear to make my decisions and I have a vague memory of being FEARLESS. Where my decisions were made for me and regardless of what anyone else had to say about it...it was what it was. I keep saying this..repeating it over and over--how it 'used' to be. I am hopelessly stuck in the past when I was myself. How do I get back to her? How do I do that? Do I just pretend that I am still fearless, when fear is right on my chest? Do I just begin again? Seems to easy to be real? What if it is? hmmm--how would that change the way that I view the world and my place in it? It would change EVERYthing! Dear God, I pray to have your eyes and see all of the opportunity and abundance that you see. For your child is lost and having a really rough time holding the vision. Please God help me to move through this fear that has me feeling stunted and help me rise to greatness that I KNOW you have for me.

Glory!...where art thou?

The purpose of this blog originally was to write. To write what I thought basically, now in an unexpected turn of events, due mostly to the candor of my fellow bloggers, who I have MAD LOVE for...I have ventured off into the land of 'feelings'. Now...my last post by far was the most revealing of my present circumstances, but they by far define ME. Even though in the grand scheme...who I am is ineffable. Even to the most genious wordmaster, but I dont necessarily consider my life now my most defining....dont know the word. Anyway...my choices as of now were born long before now. My unsatisfactory relationship, my searching for male approval, my lack of trust in life in general was not born yesterday...nor was it born when this relationship began. It was birthed the day my soul light fizzled to dimness. While in Glory, there was no way, that I could accept anything less than what I deserved. There was no way, that I could allow anyone to treat me not one iota less grand than i treated myself...which was as a Royal should be. It was an IMPOSSIBILTY. When in glory...I didnt define my worth, but I knew it and I lived it and there wasnt much to be "said" about it. It was as it was. I took that for granted. And the price I paid for this shit is far too much. Over the weekend during the talk that I had with Tima--I remember telling her that my life hasnt been a stuggle in the context that we were speaking...but OH I beg to differ. After reading a fellow bloggers account of her "rape", which she too didnt CALL it one...I remembered...(how could you forget?) that I too have been raped...by ones that I love. Repeatedly, over and over again. I have been raped against my will, I have invited rape in, I have been thorougly raped, while being made passionate love to. I have felt tender kisses and warm caresses, all while outside of my body. Observing the act of passion as a lonely bystander. I actually came to believe this is how all peoples sex was. It wasnt fathomable to me that people could actually ENJOY other people being inside their body with them....as I always felt the desire to leave, whenever I let anyone in. I have had some incredible feelings in my body...usually by way of my mind. A mind stimulating man...does way more for a wet one than just a sexual inclination. But I have never enjoyed? for lack of a better word--the act of sharing myself. I usually do it because that seems to be what should be done. Another area of myself that is wounded, that I never would have consciously acknowledged had I not seen another. Thank you so much miss lady. And all of you ladies. your introspection is triggering something deep inside of me that has been begging to purge. To release and be released. But I know now the only thing I need to do is forgive. And that is not something that I know how to do. Its hard to forgive the first man to ever break my heart--for he tried to put it back together...he DID after all offer to share himself with me AND his girlfriend. Its hard to forgive my mother for calling me every word in the book for wanting to be a normal young lady in high school and have freinds and socialize--after all she did what she thought was best. Its hard to forgive my father, for living his own life...while his absence totally FUCKED up mine--after all he did what he had to do? right? The list goes on and on...but by far the hardest person to forgive is ME! I have let these circumstances become a part of me. I carry them close--guard them in my heart and protect them with my life...and I wont let them go. Cant let them go. I dont know how to. I am afraid that without my stories and hurts and pains and limitations...that I am nothing. I would like to believe that my relationship is my problem, or that my lack of resources that I need are my problem, but if I can be honest... my biggest problem does not involve anyone other than me. I hide my Glory inside of my pain...and I cant go there. Forgiving is not an option becaues I dont know the how of it. The concept is amazing to me but so is the sun coming out every day--even while I experience my greatest pain in living silence. I dont know how that is done either, but it is. I am too tired for this right now...Im gonna eat a hot sausage now...I cannot deal. Peace.

P.S. God, I know you are here now. I feel your presence. I know that when I allow you, you will show me the way...I am ready. Please do--no matter how hard I protest. Please take over my heart today and bring light to all the dark places. Please bring peace to all the tumultuous places. Please bring love to all the hatefull places. Please bring resolution to all the to be continueds. Please bring my Glory back to the forefront of my life. Please allow me to be your deliverance. This is my one and only prayer. Please deliver me from my SElf!

Celebrate!

I have a friend who just lost weight. A whole size. Now mind you, to me she was not large at all to begin with...but you know weight is personal for each indivdual. And a size is a size. Well the issue I have with her (and myself) of course is that her clothes are now swimming on her, and she refuses to treat herself to some more! Now when I asked her how was she going to reward herself to celebrate her efforts...she looked confused. And I was soooo frustrated, though I understood perfectly well what was going on. The thought didn't even occur to her to treat herself. Most of the people I know dont really do nice things for themselves. That's why when I have the idea of taking a spa day to pamper myself, help myself unwind--I get looks as if to wonder...why? what? ??? Just weird blank stares. Incredulous almost. As if you have to be a millionaire or something to want to do things special for yourself. As I write this I try to remember the last time that I selfishly did something just for my pleasure...no guilt. Been a while. My environment or the people in it used to wonder why I went to the florist every week and got fresh flowers for my room. Well my answer was always 'weakly', because they look nice. And they make me feel happiness when I see and smell them. Well why did I answer weakly...that is a DAMN good answer!!! When I used to get a pedicure bi-weekly, even though I could do them myself, I would answer...because it feels good to have someone else do them. I always felt ashamed for wanting to be good to myself. And the looks I got helped me to cement those feelings. I dont know what the deal is...but now that I look at it... That is NORMAL behaviour. Now if I was buying my happiness, then that would be a cause for concern...but I am expressing my happiness--whole different thing. Why do I let others warped views of the world and MY motivations derail me? I dont know bout you...but it is of UTMOST importance that I feel good...and if fresh flowers and little pamper days helps me to do that...then i'm gonna. Shit that's probly why depression finds it so easy to live in me nowadays...cuz it has not GOOD countering it. If I take he time and effort,which I do deserve. to do little things to make me feel good. The world has to respond in kind. I am so glad that this happened today. Cuz I honestly forgot all the little things that I used to do for me...and the BIG payoff they provided to my life. Thank you so much for the reminder. Getting me some flowers....Today!!! Love.

Signs and Symptoms

First--that feeling that my spirit is "readjusting" itself in my body that I have only felt before I knew I was pregnant before.

I have unintentionally quit smoking.

I go to bed as early as possible.

I am 'craving' hot things.

I am being specific about the ways I want my foods prepared. But that could just be the Virgo in me.

I am becoming abnormally emotional.

My skin broke out suddenly and ferociously...for no apparent reason.

And my first son--is developmentally fast. He started trying to do everything early...everyone said he is trying to "get out of the way"!

Lord...You got this one!

I am a woman, a mother, a wife (with NO damn ring), a receptionist, an optimist, and tired as hell. I know that as a woman, especially being a working mother, that it is ideal that I am able to multi-task. But this is proving to be something EXTREMELY difficult for me to do. I dont know how to make my life work...smoothly. I need to get to work on time and be productive while I'm here. I need to make sure that my car is kept in good order, that there are clean clothes, food in the house, house actually cleaned! (not even going there) I need to make sure that I am taking care of my body, by way of feeding myself nutritional foods, and making sure that my health and maintenance are handled for me and my family. I feel so overwhelmed with just the weight of regular living, that I wonder how dare I? How can I have the audacity to try to add more things to my life? Where can a church life fit in? Where can time to write fit in? Where will the time and energy come from to focus on my dreams? And how can I do these things and still be a mother to my son, a woman to my man. And true to myself? This is some BULL SHIT! I have to deal with working and not being there for my sons life. It really bothers me when my man tells me something that as his mother I SHOULD know...but I'm here, helping to grow anothers mans vision, helping another man reach his dreams. Do I sound bitter? Ha ha..yeah I guess I am. When I need time alone, my man is resentful--he doesnt feel like I spend enough time with my baby, but I think its just more by comparison--he spends more. Thats just the way it is. I work mornings--early mornings, so I need to get to bed early to start this fucking rat race all over again every day. He thinks he has it bad--he cant even imagine. What its like to have all this inside of you begging to come out, but instead of it doing so...I have to grind, and then with guilt, because no matter what I do there just doesnt seem to be time for me in my own damn life!!!! I am resentful to him. And he to I. And of course that makes going home just as stressful as being here. I need time to myself daily. I am a BITCH without it! Does he understand...not really. He seems to think that my work days are as easy as his were...back in his working days. nuff said--i think! But its not. I actually work. I have to spend myself here every day, because I am paid to be meticulous in every task that I perform. Lest this little money that I make wont be. Then what??? AAAAHHHH! I'm so fuckin pissed! I want to live my life...and it doesnt belong to me anymore! What kind fo cosmic joke is this??? And how the hell do I go from being so blessed and feeling special to the harsh reality that my life is fucked!!! I am not happy! I prayed for peace (and it was one of the most deep prayer sessions that I ever had) and its like the shit is hitting the fan. This is anti-peace. Maybe when I prayed to see the truth, I wasnt expecting for this truth to be so...UGLY! Well I'm done venting. I know where MY love is. I know that it is not my battle. I just have to stay faithful. It just gets so hard sometimes, when I look around and see a world that seems so unsupportive. So cold. And so not ....ME! I want the life I see in my dreams...when I have the luxury of dreaming. I want to be strong, empowered, beautiful, successful, loving, confident, and just FREE! Living life and Loving it. The state of being Truly Satizfied! Truly Fulfilled. I want it so bad...I hurt sometimes. And to top off all of this--I have the sneaking suspicion that despite my best efforts...I could be pregnant again. My son is only FOUR MONTHS!! Sigh! Why? I shouldnt ask this because I did decide last night that God could have this one. I dont know if I can handle this without Him. As a matter of fact...this is going to be my biggest testimony,.. I'm sure!! Because I have never felt that I needed to completly surrender to him. But there is no way on God's green earth that this is happening without him having a hand in E-V-E-R-Y PART of this. Love.

Where am I?

I was having a conversation with Tima yesterday and I admitted that I remember the very moment, the very prayer that caused my life to become difficult. I remember the day, my location and the circumstance. Let me go back...I was an enchanted child it you will. I CLEARLY REMEMBER being happy and joyful just because. I didnt want to go to sleep, I wanted to stay awake and just be aware of my aliveness and dwell in my happyness. I never really wanted for anything...It seemed like my cup runneth over for real. I loved. I LOVED DEEP. My heart was on my sleeve, but I didnt know where else it was supposed to be. I remember always wondering...Why dont people say what they mean, or express who they are? I remember thinking how odd the world was...but after so long I began to believe it was me that was odd. Maybe my honesty was strange...and the last thing I wanted was to feel rejected. It hurted too much. As much as I loved, was the depth of my hurt. And time and time again, people would purposely poke me until I decided to close up...lest they kill me. Which they did.
I was in 7th grade and we had to talk in school about some type of struggle and mine was trivial--hell I was only like 12 or something. And I remember this girl telling me that that was not a real "problem"...and I hurt so bad. She accused me of not struggling like everone else. She called me different and it made me feel so ashamed. Because I had not experienced rape or robbery (like some of my unfortunate classmates)...Later that day, I was on the bus...and I saw this woman. she looked weary. She was overweight, and bogged down with so much "stuff". She looked so tired and hurt but she kept moving. I watched her...and to say intently would be an understatement. I became her...if that makes sense. I gave her my ENTIRE attention. Which was so pure and so powerful back then...and I said with all my heart (which I have since learned is prayer) I want to know what she feels like. Ask and you shall receive. It is done to you as you believe. That is my testimony. From that very fall day in 92...my life has not been easy since. Yes, I have manifested a lot of things...because I am still myself...but it has not been nearly as simple to do so. My heart has not felt clear and my soul has not felt as real. My life has been riddled with hardship, mostly emotional...but for those of you who are your own biggest roadblock, you know thats the worst! I am finally feeling ready to reprogram myself. To reclaim my truth. Honeslty that scared me so much! Because I remember how much it hurt. But oh how real it was. How real I was. I heard a quote in a movie "...I was so innocent and wise and full of pain..." And she said it fondly...and I know why. Because even though it hurted so much sometimes, there is nothing like being who you are for the whole world to know. There is nothing like being free and loving from the very core of your existence. And I'll be there is nothing like being healed from that same place. I yearn to be healed from that place. I pray to dwell in that place, where I spoke and listened from my heart. Where I gave for the sheer pleasure of giving, and provided a space where people could come and be real with me. I cry because I miss loving so much that it hurts. I miss the vulnerability of being true. Of not basing my life or actions or thoughts or feelings on anything other than the space of my own soul. Dear God! I know you hear me. I know you feel me. I know you know me. Please help me to BE! I love you.

Energy for Excitement

Okay I couldnt think of a better title, but...I had fun yesterday. I mean the feeling inside me and the energy in the atmosphere of my life was EXCITING AND HAPPY! I went to church with my other sister (had to say that lest my blood sister be verrry angry--smile) Had a ball at church class. I love Rev. Shaheerah and the whole TLC Community by the way. Anyway, we went to the grocery store afterwards, not one of my fav activities, but it was MUCH better with Tima there. We had a ball, laughing and playing around like little kids. Was that weird? Yeah probably, BUT...It was just fun! I wasnt overly concerned with what was going on around me...just enjoying the moment. We even got blessed with a free gallon of milk from a nice WIC mom! Thanks girl! Gotta love that! Hmmm--Hope I get blessed with some gallons of gas soon! I accept! Anyway...I ate a good dinner (a normal portion) and only got up once in the middle of the night with Jeremiah--but his dad handled the duty since I had to get up soon (gotta love that!) But today I am exhausted! Its like it took SOOO much energy to have fun yesterday. I did what I wanted to do. Connected in a very real way to my family, ate well, relaxed good...and woke up this morning...EXHAUSTED!!! LOL Is this normal. Did I overload my system, by throwing newness into the mix? My life is usually full of should, need to's, and have to's...yesterday was all about what I wanted, what would be enjoyable to me and I seem to have paid a price for it. Is this negativity trying to discourage me from actually living my life? hmmm I'm thinking that maybe if I continue to do what feels right then my energy levels will adjust to what I'm doing. Yeah...that sounds about right huh? Good. Love.

What I REALLY want!

How many times am I going to post something like this? As many times as it takes for me to really get it. After reading some more about Shai! By the way...I LOVE LOVE LOVE her. She is so super FABULOUS! And so blessed. I love to associate with people like her. I realized that the dreams that are in my heart...are just there. Why? Because I have not yet really allowed myself to accept that they are real and deserving of life. Every good idea deserves life. That is what it is there for. I know what I want my life to look like...as you can tell from my earlier posts. I know what I want to drive, what I want my house to look like, I can even guess how I want to feel...but what "part" do I want to play in it. That is something that I have conveniently left out. I want to be DYNAMIC! Not just because I want to be the Queen Bee...but because inside my heart of hearts...I AM Dynamic! I have lots of creative ways in which to express myself, but I fear that I would not be accepted. Why do I fear that? Simple...because I do not accept myself. I do not allow myself to be who I am, in the deepest recesses of my heart. The most potent vulnerability--behind the masks--through the mental fog. I want to be ALL that I AM! I want for people to read what I write. They dont have to like it, I guess. That is not what its all about. Its about me having the courage to offer you the most precious piece of me. I want to. I want to encourage everyone to allow their souls to shine through! Like I pray for every day. I yearn to be useful. I want for my life to be deeply useful in some way to the whole of humanity, but I would settle for just being loved and appreciated by the people in my world. I want to be IN LOVE. With all of the bounties of life. I want to be one with the Love of God! And have that be what I radiate to the universe. I want to get my business idea off the ground of the ground. I want to grow in my faith until there is no seeming difference between God's love for me and the Love I have within myself. I want for my every breath to be an expression of his love, blessings, and his grace. All that is Good--I desire to BE. Freedom. I want my heart to be light and open and REAL! I want to mix and mingle with people like me...who want the very best...and unlike me (up until today) goes and makes things happen. I am extending my boundaries so much right now...and tho its scary...Its EXHILARATING! So just to see them revised...
I will make a goal board--TODAY!
I will see one of my works in a publication--this year.
I will go out and find like minded people to hang with at least once a month--beginning THIS month.
I will make a plan (subject to revisions by God) for how to achieve my business goal--this year.
I will BE the person that I WANT to BE!
I will no longer entertain attitudes that are not conducive to the lifestyle that I truly desire. Whether mine or anyone else's.

God gave me this life...and I intend not to waste it--"trying" or "worrying" or at the worst "wasting" it. I am very thankful for this day and any others that I get to be a part of. I will use my gifts! I will SHINE! Thank you, God! You're the best! Love.

Long and Skrong

I have been natural now for maybe like 6 years and I finally pressed a portion of my hair out just to "see" how long it was. I was so shocked to realize it was like 14 inches long!! It is longer than it has ever been since my childhood!!! I want to rock it long and straight for a wedding that I am going to next month. I hope that I can find a good heat protectant--to preserve my curls! Just wanted to document how much growth I have experienced in what seems like such a short time!

Making Change...One step at a time

Now I know this is gonna sound weird, but whenever I am at work and have to go the bathroom...I say this same phrase...EVERY time I walk into the stall. What I say is of no consequence...lol--cuz it is super embarassing but anyway. I just noticed a few weeks ago that saying this phrase is automatic and it is something that I ALWAYS do! Why? I have no clue. It has nothing to do with the bathroom, but anyway...I digress. This time when I went in I noticed myself about to say it again...and I stopped it. Why? There was no reason for me to say it. And then it occured to me...that THAT is how you make change!!!. One moment at a time. Now maybe there is more to me saying it than I think...but I have control over saying it. Where it was an automatic response to me entering the stall...I can now make a conscious decision on whether to say it or anything else at all!!! What is there to say, when youre about to go? lol I thought about how much of a creature of habit I really am. How many things go thru my head after being triggered by something that I see or do--everyday. One time, I caught my mind narrating what I was doing. I was in the kitchen cleaning the counter and washing the dishes and was telling myself what I was doing step by step. I wonder how often I really do that? How much of my precious energy is wasted telling ME what I'm doing? hmmm{pause to contemplate} lol ....Anyway back to the point. I realized that next time I go to the bathroom, I am going to pay attention and CHOOSE not to repeat this pointless phrase again. I will probably be tempted to, if I am not paying attention...but I will CHOOSE otherwise. This moment made me realize that change happens by CHOOSING differently...time and time again until you have removed or created a new habit. I dont introduce change into my routines very often. I take the same way to work and home. I get dressed in the same order of events. I am like a friggin machine. So Im thinking that just by what I just learned...that If I purposely mixed things up...it would probably get something unstuck. Could be wrong but that is my hypothesis. If instead of saying what I usually say...I could insert an affirmation on something that I want to become a part of my consciousness. Sounds like a GREAT idea! to me. So thats what I am going to do! Gonna be fun to see what changes I can insite in my life,..just by this one decision. I suspect it will be BIG! Wish me luck! *wink* Love, Always.

My love

I havent really posted on motherhood lately. The last post I made was quite disturbing. I felt inadeqate and inept and totally unable to handle all that was being thrown at me...but I am so happy and quite THANK-FULL to say that things are definitely working out. I want to thank God for that. My son is four months...and we get along famously. I am still learning, but my level of tolerance for things that used to send me spinning into self doubt and pity, now elevate me IN LOVE. I love to be with him. It is my favorite part of the day. I cant wait to go home and be near him. I love to watch him. I love to smile with him. I love to sing for him. I love to be with my intuition and give him what he needs. I love to dance with him and I love to hold him while he falls to sleep. I love to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up...and I love to comfort him when he is fussy. I love knowing when he needs to burp! (kinda weird-i know lol) I still dont like changing du-du diapers, but the Good waaay outweighs the bad...so I can deal. I am grateful for him--and his love. Just wanted to put in writing how GOOD change can be. Note to self: And you didnt believe that change was possible. humph!

It's Gone Be Nice

I am so loving Yolanda Adams CD--well I cant say her whole CD cuz I only listen to track one and my FAVORITE--track 7 sweetly titled "Its Gone Be Nice" When I first heard it..it was on Timas Ipod--and it touched something in me that I was not aware of before. Its a song of faith and positive affirmation and just Trust in God. I am going thru a God thang...so bear with me If you dont know him and if you already do--please pray for me cuz I'm drawing closer to him despite my fears.

Its gone be nice
Its gone be nice
Whatevers in store for me...its gone be nice
Its crazy right now, Lord
but thats when you shine
I cant stop shouting cuz...its gone be nice

WELL!

What my future holds

AT this point in my life...I am teetering back and forth between total belief that every dream and goal in my mind and heart are on their way to fruition in my life and who am I to dream this big? I dont understand how I can be on both ends of the spectrum in such a short period of time...but it is the way it is. But how it is...is NOT how its going to be. I dont want for much at this point. So just to prove this to myself...I wanted to "see" what it is that I really want right now.

I want to be debt free (yes I know that I worded that wrong according to The Secret--which I LOVE) but I do. I want to have zero balances on everything except my bank statements. For that I would love to have 10,000 dollars in savings.

I want for my home to be beautifully decorated in a way that IS ME!

Ideally, I would love to own my own beatiful home--see above.

I want for me and my man to have the deepest REAL relationship that we can have!

I want to have authentic connections to everyone in my life (we seem to all be the walking dead lately--going around repeating our stories about ourselves as if on autopilot)**will ponder this later--for real!

I want to enjoy social activities with like minded individuals.

I want to be a loving and VERY present mother to my wonderful son.

I want to own my own business that is geared toward self love for black women in the form of loving and embracing their unique beauty.

I want to write books and maybe do some speaking (getting a little less clear here)

I would love to have a new car--specifically a LaCrosse. I need a four door with having to put my son in and out of the back seat...and the luxury and beauty part of it--thats for me!

I want my Rivi fixed and running right.

I want a beautiful closet FULL of clothes that fit well and are beautiful and expressive of my personality.

I want to always remain in the conscious presence of God--like every moment of every day!

I want to have JOY, JOY, JOY in my heart! ALL THE TIME!

Now for most of these--I feel like it is inevitable...but for most of the ones that I cant "see" a way for right now...I feel more doubtful. But really...I didnt ask to build a rocket(but psh--i could prolly do that if I wanted to)...I just asked to build my life and have it be a comfortable space for me to exist. Is that unrealistic? Doesnt sound like too much to ask. I guess this is where you begin to exercise your God given will and faith that his gifts to us are real. I struggle with this presently, but I will continue to put myself in the way of the Lord--he is gonna really have to swerve to miss my big black behind--cuz I am here. I am Ready. And I pray for my small self to be opened up to the abundance that is rightfully mine. I know that I dont have desires such as these for no reason. I know what I want deep inside me. It is there as it has always been, whether I chose to acknowledge and love it or deny it as I was taught to do. Please God...help me to love myself, all of me. My divine spirituality, and my divine humanity. Please help me to accept Good from YOU! Please let me know that I am worthy of your blessings. And I am worthy of THE GREATEST LOVE! I know I am...but I dont believe it in my heart. Please open my heart and flood my mind with YOU. Thank you for listening--NOW and ALL WAYS! And so it is. I love you.

Sang...like no ones listening!

I can sing. I'm not the greatest...but I have a very nice voice. And I know what to do with it. How to use it. But if someone were to ask me to sing...I get all bashful and embarrased and decline...FIRMLY! As me and embarrassmennt are a sensitive mix. I dont like that feeling..AT ALL!! I dont seem to get over embarrassment the way most people seem to. It really STICKS...I can remember almost everything, if not EVERY moment that I have ever been embarrassed. When I have ever went out...no matter how hypnotic the music was...or how drunk I got...I could never let go and just become one with the music...body and spirit. If you ask me to think of a solution or a plan...I will happily assist you with that...but to express something other than my thought processes is a terrifying thought to me. It FRIGHTENS THE BE-HAYSOOS out of me!!! Why? Well it would require me to be in a vulnerable positon. What would people say about my dance technique? What if they noticed that I couldnt dance like a professional? (as if?) What if they noticed that I didnt sing like Whitney or Aretha? (double as if?) Then what? I would feel embarrassed...how dare I even try to do anything that people out there can do better? Is this weird? It sounds like it...but this is how I feel. Sigh! Well on my way home from work...I SING! My heart out...sometimes I even cry while doing it...because something in me just lets go..and tho scary the feeling is overwhelming and GOOD. Sometimes its the song...a lot of times its just emotions that seem to be freed when I really sing with all I've got. Good or bad, pitchy or not. Just the act of doing something with all I've got...with passion and unabandon...feels SOO GOOOD! I often imagine that I am being this way in front of people that I know...but honestly I dont see that ever happening. When I dance...yes stiffly--and circa '85...I feel so good!! So confident, and I understand the fact that practice makes perfect...at home of course. I could never do that in public...cuz even tho it should be about me and what I want to do...its not. Its about what people are thinking about me...Do they think I've got some nerve to even try to dance? Sigh I dont want to choose what I do based on what I "think" others are thinking. But this behaviour is so deeply ingrained in me...and I have such a fear attached to it. I dont even think I want to write this. How dare I admit that I have insecurities? How dare I make myself open to criticism and ridicule? Or maybe its quite possible that I am opening myself up...to understanding and encouragement? Could it be that this world is not as rough as I think it is? Am I looking at my world thru shit colored glasses? Ha ha...could be huh?

What am I afraid of?

I am a writer. Dont know if I will ever publish any books or start the magazine that I plan on doing. Probably will...but I dont know. This blog is a good thing for me. I get to express myself in the way that is most comfortable for me...WONDERFUL WORDS!! I LOVE them. They are the bomb. I love reading blogs just to see what other people are doing in their lives...but I hesitate when it comes to really share something that up until recently, I have held very close and personal...my life. At first glance...I just thought I didnt share because I dont do much. I work, play with my son, spend time with my man...and THINK. Which I shouldnt discount, because it takes up A LOT of my day. Using my mind...IS MOST of my LIFE! Could be a problem...as a matter of fact probably is...but this is where I am right now. Very mental at the expense of actually living my life. I believe (against my best wishes) that if actually put myself into making this blog...REAL (for lack of a better word) that it could be very therapeutic for me...Maybe I wont be so afraid of being my WHOLE self in real life. Maybe I can come to grips with the fact that maybe I am not really a bad person at all...and maybe there are other people out there...that actually FEEL ME. And if not..at the very least...I can unload this shit off my chest. Maybe getting it out is all I need to do to find...rest. I hope so...I am actually terrified at the "thought" of putting pictures of my life...and goals and dreams...innermost thoughts, and life lessons. Somehow it makes me feel too accountable...what if I fail? And the whole world has the opportunity to see it? Not that a lot of people read my blog, lol. By the way thanks Monnie and Shai!!! Yall made my day! Monica...you are my first "reply"!!! Sweet huh? Well it was to me. Well I guess my project for this weekend is to add photos and real stuff...hope I dont chicken out...sigh! Til later. Love.

I cry sometimes

I am alone. I am singular. I am alone. I feel nothing becaues I can only feel what I can see. But if that were true...then why do I feel so hurt? Why does my pain want to cry out!! And beg for love. Shamelessly...It doesn't care what it "looks" like or what people think about it! It only matters that it gets what it needs. Like air, without it...we die. Depseration is encroaching my heart as I reach for anything that resembles or "could" resemble the love that I seek. I look into my fathers eyes. Are you there love? And if you are, might I have a bit to tide me over until I find my REAL LOVE? You dont have enough to spare? Its okay. I can make do witht he memory of love, then. I look into my lovers arms. I follow him wherever he may go. I am searching for that warm embrace that will shield me from this cold heartless world. But his hands are busy protecting his chest. He cannot offer me the comfort and solace that I so desperately need right now. I look into my child's face...so much like my own. I can'teven bear the thought of taking anything from him. He is so precious. So pure. So untainted. I dare not touch him lest he get dirty too.

Where do I go? To God, but where is that? And what if God himself turns his back on me too? Then what? Who am I? That I cant find this love that is supposed to be literally all around me? Why? How much pain must I endure before I get the secret key to open this locked box around my heart? I want to cry, but my ducts have turned to stone. I AM ALONE. And my pain is all my own. Help me.

Let there be peace...And there IS!

I was just thinking how Awesome our creator is. And I thought how in the beginning of the Bible...it says in the beginning there was the WORD...and the word was with God...and how the word IS God. (yes I take that to be literal) And i thought about how we are the only species that can actually speak "words". OOh what a gift that is. I mean...we create with our words in the same way he did. Well thats what I believe anyway. Well not ultimately...I believe that our creative power lies heavily in what we say, but also what we feel, think and believe in our heart of hearts to be true. I think that when he commanded that there be light...and there was!!! That is like the MOST AWESOME example ever of how we are to create in our own little worlds. I mean...If we actually said with complete knowing that what we commanded would be, the way that he did. No doubts or fears or anxieties or what ifs? No mental contradictions...or worries. How super spectacular could that be? How spectacular it IS!! Hmm what have I been commanding in my world...lets take a look at the things that are showing up....
~Somewhere along the lines, I must have said let there be not enough...cuz it seems that I can never get enough, never have enough, never be enough.
~I must have also said let there be as little joy as possible--mustve been a challenge just to see if I could actually live like this!
~I also said let there be stress--cuz I use any circumstance as a portal into a stressful place!
~I also commanded that I have the maximum number of hurdles on the way to my destination.(wherever that is?)
Why did I do this? Maybe to test and see how strong I am...but since I do have control over this I am gonna go ahead and re-decide how I'm gonna do this life thang! Ya know! It is after all MY prerogative to change MY mind...and live in the way I WANT to live. God has a plan for my life and I greatly suspect that it is much more abundant than this!! I decided that I am going have enough for all the things I need AND want--as they are both important to me. I dont know how...but thats not my job. I am just deciding NOW that I have enough. Better yet...I have MORE than enough. I even have enough to share. Because I am more than enough...and I deserve to live to my FABULOUS potential. I am also deciding that my life will overflow with JOY! Why? Why not? If I am to be here for any length of time...why not In-Joy every aspect of it. Just the act of receiving breath. Loving and allowing my whole self to be loved. To take notice of what it means to truly be alive...and align myself with that. Sounds good. I dwell in Joy! PERIOD.
I also command that my path is smooth and easy. Not easy as in no obstacles, but easy as in aligned with my purpose. I dont want to put unecessary burdens on myself...just to rough myself up along the way! Ludicrous! But thats the way its been. Well now that I know...the only thing left to do...is CHANGE! I love you, God!

Just as I AM...

What is so bad about the way God made me? What exactly is the problem? I am 5'10--taller than most men that I know. God made me tall so that I could see beyond what my focus was on. Isnt he the bomb! I have a dangerously curvy body. Bodacious! Isnt that awesome? Yessir--IT IS! I have smooth chocolate skin--tanned all year round! Yes its wonderful to be me! I have a head full of thick curls--that I can wear straight, wavy or fro'd out! Isnt that AWESOME? I have a smile that lights up the room or my soul when I feel weary...I know I am the ish! I am compassionate and I have the ability to look into the soul of my fellow man...or woman. That is truly a gift. I am humble. I try not to be sometimes, because people take advantage of that...but I know who I am--and honestly, more and more, I am fine with that. I am honest. I struggle sometimes with motivation, discipline, or my ability to dream. But I know that I will overcome EVERY obstacle that appears to be in my way. Because I am built to succeed, despite what I have convinced myself to believe. I am a trendsetter...I create waves with only my presence. I am a powerful woman. And a woman...INDEED!!! Such a wonderful gift...my femininity. I appreciate all of the gifts that I possess within myself. and I am also thankful for all the ones that are there that I have yet to embrace. I am so thankfull for you God. For making me-- and allowing me to be ....JUST AS I AM. I love you.