I dont even have the words...

I am hurt right now. Not for me this time...but for so many people who are battling with infertility. I have been on Monicas site...and it is gutwrenching. My soul hurts for people who are battling this. I have an aunt who battled it...but I must ashamedly admit...I have never 'HEARD' her pain. Maybe I dont hear a lot of peoples pain...unless of course it mirrors my own. Its easier for me to empathize with someone who has the same pain that I have...I like to think that I am this compassionate soul...but the truth is. I have a long way to go...because just now...like five minutes ago...I NOW REALIZE what my friend told me yesterday was not meant to hurt me...but to let me know. I dont appreciate a lot of things in life. Its not that I dont appreciate them, actually...its more like I consider a lot of good things in my life 'givens'. Like the fact that I have these parents who would drop everything at the drop of a dime to come to my aid. No matter that I'm grown as hell...or that when I think of them...I tend to reflect on all the many ways I feel they wronged me. Poor me and my sheltered childhood. I am in a relationship with the father of my children...he is in a helluva slump right now...and I know his struggles. I secretly not so secretly resent him for not being superman and rising above them. He is a PERFECT father. His style of parenting complements mine in EVERY way. Where I am weak...he EXCELS. But I never really talk about that...because I have never let it really sink into my heart...how PERFECT he is right now. Its much easier to focus on his flaws. In MY opinion. I am pregnant. I have not yet felt appreciation for it. I have always wanted children...instead I focus on the millions of 'seemingly' wrong things about it...when the fact that I have carried and birthed one healthy child and now carry another...IS a miracle in itself. Yet...I speak so cavalierly about these things as if they are everyday run of the mill. I have a job that I really enjoy...I get paid well, especially for this economy and I have insurance...but I focus on not NEEDING to work here, and fussing about little copays. I really let some things slip by. Nothing good in my life is a given. They are all miraculous!!! Including my insights and the way that they enter into my life. I am so grateful...and I promise to (try) look at my life from a place of appreciation because there are lots of things I dont have much of...but there are many ways that my cup runneth over...and I just pass them by...as if they are SUPPOSED to be that way. I am supposed to have this job, my family, my man, my children, my health, my good fortune, my longing for truth, my beauty, my friends...and on some level I still believe that...but there are lots of things in this world that are supposed to be...and just are not. Children getting to be children, instead of growing up in violence, world peace, food for the hungry, lower gas costs, real politicians, joy in the hearts of man, peace in relationships and just so much more. So for me to not appreciate and give thanks from my heart for all the things in my life...that are wonderful as I hoped and most even beyond...does seem ungrateful...and I TRULY AM THANKFUL! I am truly thankful for each and every blessing, large and small in my life. I am thankful to each person who takes the time to read my words and those who leave their words...on my page and yours. Thank you all for bearing witness to this journey of life and thank you for allowing me to bear witness to yours. I love yall! A-to the Men!