Something my dream said to me last night...

Life doesnt wait. It keeps going and going. No matter what you think you need to "get" OR "BECOME" before you start living your life. More money, that perfect relationship, that bangin' body, a fabulous career, spiritual understanding...whatever it may be...Life is STILL happening. There is no pause in life, when I withdraw from it. While I'm swimming in the depths of this small hole that I perceive to be all encompassing called depression... YEP! My life is still happening. I cannot BE-lieve...there is no pause!!!. How did I go thru life thinking that it did. I assumed that it stopped during my times of indecison. I know, I know that sounds crazy...but that simple message cracked my head OPEN! Like wow! When I decide not to participate in life...its not like life doesnt happen until I'm ready again...It is ALWAYS happening. Even after I die, it will be happening. Just WOW!

So cute!

Yesterday I went to this house that my man is redoing...and me and my son and our niece, Teaira were waiting outside for him to get done. This little girl who I met once before ran up to the car and spoke to me. She noticed Teaira, 4 in the backseat and spoke to her. After exchanging names, I asked Te if she wanted to get out...I was TOTALLY SHOCKED when she said yes. Next thing I know they were playing like they had known each other for YEARS!!! It was AMAZING! They both have strong personalities (read: attitudes) and they worked it out. I only had to intervene once, seeing as though they both thought their way of playing a game was the ONLY AND BEST way! But I was totally in the moment while they taught me how we should be. Open and inquisitive, non judgmental, and just enjoying each moment! When we were about to leave, they looked heartbroken. It was crazy. They had only known each other for like a half an hour. What is it about children that make them that way? It was magical and it made me yearn for simpler and freer days, for sure! Just WOW!

Do something different!!!

So I have been having a pity party for the last few days! I have invited people to join me...however noone has taken me up on my offer. Great friends...gotta love them! Any way...just cuz I didnt have anyone to uncelebrate with didnt mean I havent been pitiful all by myself...so I have been moping and being all sour around the house all day...and so my man invited me to a bbq at one of his friends house. He's all excited...saying we can play horseshoes and be on teams! And play poker, eat GOOD! (the most convincing argument), his wife is nice..."you'll like her" --made me angry!!! But I kept refusing! I said I didnt like her the last time I met her, I dont want to play stoopit horseshoes, and I jsut dont want to be around people...and do yall know what he did??? He yelled at me!! Like loud...He said "well you're walking around here all depressed, yet you are not trying to do a damn thing about it. Whats the point of complaining and making not ONE change in your life??? Do something different, anything... dammit or just make peace with the fucked up mood you're in!!!" Now normally ya girl would have cut into him. I wanted to tell him "you dont understand!" and many other whiney things to that effect...but truth is. He is right. The "reasons" that I complain about on a regular are things that I can change...as a matter of fact they are things that ONLY I can change...with the help of you know who...but all in all...I am not helpless nor am I powerless. So after I picked my lip up off the floor...I agreed to go the bbq. Ironically it was cancelled...but the first step was taken. I am glad. Then we babysat his niece yesterday...She is 5 and lots of energy. And I am always so tired so I really anticipated the worst...but it was so awesome!!! We laughed and told jokes and sang...and I gave her a bath...and that was so much fun! Kidz imaginations are the BEST! I never thought rubber duckies could be fun...but she had a blast! The little I know seemed like so much wisdom to her...she was totally fascinated by the fact that I knew (instinctively) how to empty the water out of the ducks! I felt so good. It was great...and I was exhausted at the end of the day, but that made for great sleep and a very busy but fulfilling morning. I woke up with a smile on my face for the first time in MONTHS! I mean I felt so dumb...cuz I was just smiling for no other reason besides me feeling good in my skin today! I mean...my tire went flat on my way here... I was late, I made a huge mistake at work, and things still happened, but its all good. I also got a bit of a promotion at work today...more responsiblity, more pay, more technically good stuff to put on my resume. I am as of the 30th the new accounts payable mangager--which sounds kinda cool. Training is going to be a b*tch tho...with preggo brain and all. But I'm sure I can handle it! Well hopefully I can parlay this good day into a good week, and then into a good month and into a good life! Hope all is well, everywhere! Love.

Tag--Im it!

Hmm my five things that Im obsessed about:

My hair--Ive been natural for 6 or 7years (lost count) and while its AWESOME! Its so long now...I want to see what it looks like blowing in the wind! sigh (the man!)

My depression--Nuff said bout that B!

My finances-Trying to make good decisions to put my quickly expanding family in the best possible postion.

My faith--Trying to get, keep and grow it--without going crazy!!

Fashion--I am fashion challenged...and I really want to conquer this! I'm too cute not to look
cute!

I tag, Unknown, Mon, Chokk (yeah Imma answer your tag), and Lisa

Changes

Im thinking about changing the name of this blog. It just doesnt seem appropriate, AT ALL! I mean, Yes I knew that when I created it...but it was more of an affirmation, but now it just makes me ANGRY! Every time I read truly satizfied...I wonder who the hell is that? Cuz Lord knows that is sooo far from me right now...it really aint funny! Sigh! I am feeling better today...my buddy is still hanging out...but this too shall pass. My faith sounds weak, but I really do believe it to be true. Hope yall are having a good day!

I think i'm depressed again

I am mad all the time when I have to face my life. I dont want to be alone yet I dont want people near me either. I am seriously contemplating taking some medications, just to see if there really is a difference between the way I am accustomed to being...and "normal". I mean...dont get me wrong, this is normal for me...but lately I have been wondering if it could be better. i know that there is no magic pill...and if it does work, I should only use it to help me know what I could feel like...but I am tired of this. I'm not overwhelmed, which should be some sort of red flag, because I dont feel well...AT ALL! Now mind you...this feeling that I speak of right now is constant. Even when I am elated...and feeling strong and optimistic it is always there...just NOW! In this moment...I realized that it probably shouldnt be. And that maybe all my relevations and learnings would be much more impactful if I didnt have this dark azz cloud always around. Its strange to talk about it...cuz I feel like I have long ago accepted this darkness as a part of who I am...but maybe thats the problem...its not and I'm just carrying it around as if its me, draining myself even further. I dont know what to do really. I have written on peoples blog saying...I understand when they speak of depression, cuz I do! I know depression quite well. I actually boast sometimes saying that I have found a way to co-exist with it. But...what the fuck??? I dont want to co-exist with something that drains my every hope at happiness. If I have to share my life with anyone or anything...it should promote joy and peace and harmony in my life....not fear and exhaustion and just ...THIS! So...I guess this time had to come...I am going to actively seek to eradicate this from my life. While it gives me a thread of commonality in this world, and gives me justifications for not being MY BEST! It also robs me of my potential, and keeps me and all things that I love...arms length away...and quite honestly, that is just not gonna work for ya girl anymore! I have a son, who I love with all that I am...but if I dont beat this beast now...he will be raised by a mother who lives in denial. And its much better to be fucked up and real, than pretend that its gravy when its really shit! hmmm...I dont want to post this cuz I feel like Im kinda crazy going from one extrmee to the other. But it only seems that way if you dont understand how one can LIVE depressed. I can appreciate my many blessings...and still be depressed. I can have good fortune, miracles of all kinds, confirmations of my faith...and still be depressed. I dont understand it either...but I know...that Im tired. I want this to be a done deal! So...here I go...AGAIN! And hopefully for the last damn time!

I love...

My Favorite things about you:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE your smile. You have not a tooth yet…but it warms my heart to see you smile.

Your laugh is HILARIOUS.

I love your little hugs. They warm my entire body.

I love your little feet feet. They smell like mini daddys feet, tho!

I love the way you poke out your bottom lip to show that you are REALLY upset. (yes it makes me smile)

I love how you have the audacity to take up the most of the room in a full size bed…when you are less than 2 feet tall!

I love the way that you watch my performances…and I LOVE when we dance together.

I love to see you with your dad. You two are beautiful!

I love how you favor us…even if it hurts others feelings (is that bad? Ha ha oh well...)

I love how your fro does what it wants to do…just like Mommies! J

I love your little voice.

I love your sense of humor…You are funny already!

I love how special you make me feel when your whole face lights up when you see me!

I love how you talk the most…when its my bedtime!

I love the way…you like to wait until the diaper is off to pee! (when its on daddy…notsomuch on me! J )

I love that you know what you want…and INTEND to get it…or else!

To my son

14, May 2007

Dear Jeremiah,

I intended to write this to you yesterday, but as you may or may not know about me yet…I can be a bit tardy at times. But I just wanted to write you this letter to say THANK YOU. Thank you for all that you are and all that you have taught me. You are the most beautiful boy in the world…and I love you beyond words. Your smile makes me melt and your “laughs” make me…well laugh. Your laughs sound like you are doing a stinky in your diaper. I want to say thank you for making mothers day a day that I can celebrate now. I want to say thank you for teaching me more in 6 months, than life has taught me in 27 years. I want to say I deeply appreciate your love and presence in my life. You are truly a gift from God! I know that one day you will be all grown up and won’t need me as much as you do now...but I hope that we will always have a great relationship and that you know you can ALWAYS come to me. For anything. I love you so much and my deepest prayer for your life is that you always remain ONE with your soul. That you always know who you are and make all of your decisions from that place. I wish you success, and happiness, high self esteem, love, and just perfection in your life. I know that you are a strong willed young man, because you are a strong willed baby. You don’t crawl yet…but you can move mountains (and your parents) with just one smile! I love you, J. You are the man! And I am so excited over being blessed to get to watch you grow and develop into the wonderful young man that you are right now. I am so proud of you…and I am so thankful that I’m your mom. I will love you Always and Forever. Til’ the end of time and beyond.

Love,

Mama

I dont even have the words...

I am hurt right now. Not for me this time...but for so many people who are battling with infertility. I have been on Monicas site...and it is gutwrenching. My soul hurts for people who are battling this. I have an aunt who battled it...but I must ashamedly admit...I have never 'HEARD' her pain. Maybe I dont hear a lot of peoples pain...unless of course it mirrors my own. Its easier for me to empathize with someone who has the same pain that I have...I like to think that I am this compassionate soul...but the truth is. I have a long way to go...because just now...like five minutes ago...I NOW REALIZE what my friend told me yesterday was not meant to hurt me...but to let me know. I dont appreciate a lot of things in life. Its not that I dont appreciate them, actually...its more like I consider a lot of good things in my life 'givens'. Like the fact that I have these parents who would drop everything at the drop of a dime to come to my aid. No matter that I'm grown as hell...or that when I think of them...I tend to reflect on all the many ways I feel they wronged me. Poor me and my sheltered childhood. I am in a relationship with the father of my children...he is in a helluva slump right now...and I know his struggles. I secretly not so secretly resent him for not being superman and rising above them. He is a PERFECT father. His style of parenting complements mine in EVERY way. Where I am weak...he EXCELS. But I never really talk about that...because I have never let it really sink into my heart...how PERFECT he is right now. Its much easier to focus on his flaws. In MY opinion. I am pregnant. I have not yet felt appreciation for it. I have always wanted children...instead I focus on the millions of 'seemingly' wrong things about it...when the fact that I have carried and birthed one healthy child and now carry another...IS a miracle in itself. Yet...I speak so cavalierly about these things as if they are everyday run of the mill. I have a job that I really enjoy...I get paid well, especially for this economy and I have insurance...but I focus on not NEEDING to work here, and fussing about little copays. I really let some things slip by. Nothing good in my life is a given. They are all miraculous!!! Including my insights and the way that they enter into my life. I am so grateful...and I promise to (try) look at my life from a place of appreciation because there are lots of things I dont have much of...but there are many ways that my cup runneth over...and I just pass them by...as if they are SUPPOSED to be that way. I am supposed to have this job, my family, my man, my children, my health, my good fortune, my longing for truth, my beauty, my friends...and on some level I still believe that...but there are lots of things in this world that are supposed to be...and just are not. Children getting to be children, instead of growing up in violence, world peace, food for the hungry, lower gas costs, real politicians, joy in the hearts of man, peace in relationships and just so much more. So for me to not appreciate and give thanks from my heart for all the things in my life...that are wonderful as I hoped and most even beyond...does seem ungrateful...and I TRULY AM THANKFUL! I am truly thankful for each and every blessing, large and small in my life. I am thankful to each person who takes the time to read my words and those who leave their words...on my page and yours. Thank you all for bearing witness to this journey of life and thank you for allowing me to bear witness to yours. I love yall! A-to the Men!

What is wrong with me?

Why at the suggestion that I have flaw...do I go into a total tailspin thinking thoughts that I am somehow completely defective? Yesterday it was the thing with my friend...that had me pondering all evening and just now...a coworker just blurted out while we made small office chit chat..."Are you alright?". She said it like she had to muster up courage to ask me...I responded with a "im fine" and when she looked like she didnt believe me...I felt compelled to add, "I'm a little tired...but I'm good". Totally unnecesary but she really threw me off. I dont feel bad or off at all. Actually with the morning sickness and mood swings...today is a GOOD day. And I could have just dismissed it, as is probably appropriate...but instead I am thinking...what is it about me that has her wondering am i alright? She said I didnt seem like myself...(does she even know me tho? Hell naw) But anyway...I am seriously feeling myself getting anxious and my mind is thinking too many things too fast...WHY did she feel compelled to ask me that? Am I alright? I am over here asking my SELF if I'm alright? As if I wouldnt be the first to know if I wasnt...SIGH! What is going on? Why am I letting 'things' that other people say...make me doubt and question myself? And why am I wasting my precious time and energy worrying about it? I guess I am feeling a bit insecure lately...I have to do something about this...cuz I cant go thru this every time someone decides to let me know what they "think" to be true about me. I just cant!

I almost felt sympathy...but his face!!!

http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/vegans-sentenced-to-life-for-starving/20070509155909990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001

I read a lot on parenting and baby nutrition and this is actually a common concern that I run across...but why would he look so angry on his mug shot...or maybe everybody doesnt smile like I did on mine! My mug was FABU! Yes...I've been incarcerated for a second in my life...and I did my hair while I waited...so that my mug would be cute! See how I used to be...now...I'm lucky if my hair accessories match...but I digres...this story is sad.

Could it be true?

Has anyone ever told you something, their opinion about you that they believe to be true? And it totally contradicted what you think about yourself. A close friend of mine told me that I am an unappreciative...and while my instinct was to deny it vehemently...I couldnt. It touched something just beyond my awareness...I kinda wonder if on the outside of my bubble...could it be true? He asked me some tough questions...how do you show the people that mean the most to you that you appreciate them?...and I dont mean telling them. Well how else do I? I dont. He gave me homework. He asked me to look back over my life and look at all the ways that I have to be thankfull--yet let it go unexpressed. The prospect of this makes me feel very uncomfortable. Why? Maybe because I will see some things that I would rather not see. He told me that I took my man for granted...and I FOCUS on the wrong things...I dont know bout that one...I mean some stuff just jumps right out there...but...I know he thinks I dont appreciate my mom...cuz even tho she is one of my challenges in life...she is ALWAYS there for me. I know that one touches home for him because he lost his mom too. Yall this is really hard for me. I tend to look at things as I feel ready to approach them...never before has something like this been brought to me before...challenging me...like WHAT??? Now in my mind...I want to dismiss him and his OPINIONS...and holla at him next month...like I do. But if there was not an ounce of truth in what he said...I would not still be thinking about it. It would not BE like it is. I know that I dont necesarily DO things to let people know I care...but I do care. And isnt that what matters? Is that weak? This has thrown me for a friggin LOOP out of this world! I dont want to think about this any more...but do I intend to run from this...sigh--NO! I cant now...Now that I have been called out...on a secret fear of mine. Does anyone out there understand my brand of compassion? Is that their fault or do I need to find ways to express them? Or was he having a bad day and decided to give some of that janky energy to me? I dont know...Guess I need to pray

Dear God...I am aware that I do not know all things...but as you see fit you reveal them to me...using many avenues. For that I am so grateful. If this message that I received today is your way of letting me know that this is something that needs to be addressed, please help me to understand...because I am at a loss. I find it extra hard to think that I just dont appreciat ethings...I feel like I appreciate all the time. And I can show appreciation for the smallest of things...so If my mind is blocking something please remove them so that I can see. So that that part of me can be healed. I want you to know that I do feel the resistance in my mind. I feel that there is at the very least something that needs to be addressed, but I dont even know where to start. As usual...I know you do...so please lead me, guide me into this lesson as gently and lovingly as you can. Because there is a lot of fear and trepidation inside me at this so called revelation. I am feeling very vulnerable right now, but If You feel that I can handle it...then I trust that I can too. Thank you for listening.

Whats in your purse?

After 6 months of carrying around a diaper bag and understanding the necessity of being prepared for almost anything at any time...I took a look at my own bag (purse)--The contents were hilarious
Cute Red Planner (for show mostly)
2 Notebooks filled with Random notes from observations that couldnt wait
Old checkstubs
A box of vitamins
5 inkpens
Change
Wallet
Money
Paper
Little book

Now this is not enough to see me through any situation except for great ideas! I realized that I dont have a grown persons purse...I have a bookbag camaflouged as a purse. I made a list of things that NEED to be in my purse. You never know when I may need to do a quick change or a touchup...or what if for some reason I am not able to go home and need to 'get done'. With my purse...aint happening. So here it is

Wallet
Money
Debit Card
Notebook
Pen
Planner
Deoderant
Toothbrush/paste/floss
Mirror
Mints/Gum
Lotion
Inspirational Little Book
Brush--Water Bottle
Pantyliners
Lip Stuff (Gloss, color, vaseline)

Can we think of anything else to put into my purse? That seems like an awful lot I feel so un-womanly not knowing what really to carry...sigh...but oh well...better now than 50 right?

I'll Have my Good NOW, please...

Must I suffer now...until the moment of my salvation? Or is suffering all in my mind. Can I be different, not by my life changing...but by my perspective changing? Do I have to endureth, and try not to be weary in the midst of dark storms before I can see the crack of day breaking through or is the darkness all relative? These are some questions that I am pondering lately, because in a lot of circles of people that I know who are on a spiritual path...it seems that there is this common belief that it is normal to suffer. And somehow this is all a part of Gods plan for us...and that it will somehow make us better and more humble servants. To me this just sounds like a way to justify your ignoring him telling you constantly..."there is a better way...not only YOUR way". I believe that suffering is a part of life...but I honestly do NOT believe that it is Gods intention that I grow that way...What makes me say that? Because as far as I can remember, in the midst of my suffering...He was always there TRYING to alleviate my pain. To show me where I had a wrong mindset, or what needed to be changed to get me from where I was mentally, to where I 'claimed' I wanted to be. I have always heard that small voice comforting me when I was down, countering the many attacks on my self that I dished out...offering me options other than the ones I chose to see at any given moment...but usually in the moment...its much easier and much more likely that I would allow the current of defeat, depression and guilt and "woe is me" take over. As I begin to monitor my mind more...I can see more than not...I really do have choices...and MOST of them arent always obvious...not until I shut up the constant dialogue of fear...and LISTEN. I am being led ALL THE TIME. I say I want something...and the world moves to get me in the position to have it. This is usually the time where I get scared...and start sabotaging myself...then ask God...Why hath he forsaken me? And the answer is always the same. It is not I who denies you. Once again...I am nudged to look at the real culprit. That familiar "friend" who is always in my thoughts...but not always in my best interest. I am my own worst enemy. And I suffer when I dont KNOW that. When I dont SEE that. I pray and pray sometimes for relief from things that I am not willing to let go of...then I wait patiently consoling myself with the same old thing...This is all happening for a reason...God must have a bigger plan...Yes for me to WAKE UP! To see that it is NOT written in stone that I will somehow get closer to him through suffering...tho that is paritally true....When you suffer you are being called to rely on him as never before to help you through. And if you let Him then you will KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt of his GOODNESS. But I believe that if we listen to the sublte messages moment by moment and watch as they manifest GOOD in your life, you will come to the same conclusion. And it will be all good. I dont know...its just seems that lately the God that wants me to be burdened to understand freedom, and broke to understand abundance, and afraid to understand love is not accurate. I think he loves me so that I understand love. He infuses me with hopes and dreams..so as I achieve them I will understand freedom and he blesses me CONSTANTLY so that I understand abundance. Only thing...I have a hard time understanding it...so I usually dont accept? Is that Him choosing my suffering path? Or is that me? What chall think?

Things are looking UP!

The night before last...I had a dream that I was late for work. I dreamed I got there at 8:11 (which is unacceptable). I dont want to make this longer than it has to be...On a whim I played it in the lottery...and would you believe that it came out STRAIGHT! I NEVER play the lottery. Its just not somthing I do...but I had a dollar change from a 5 and thought why not? When I told my man...he asked did I play our sons birthday...I'm like Naw! I played a number I dreamed about last night! So he was on the way to watch the playoffs...when our lottery came on...Can you imagine the feeling of the air in the room when the ball said 8...then 1...then 1! We both, in unison, were like "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Yes our baby was in the room, giggling in the excitement, but that was just too amazing! Wow! Cannot believe it! I have been doing some abundance work and synchronocity or just abundance from nowhere is signs that you are on the way...not only did I win the lottery, but my company bought us breakfast, a client brought us lunch...AND MY BOSS walked in today and shot me a 20 for a job well done yesterday! I am SPEECHLESS! I am utterly speechless. This is about so much more than the money...it is about asking God with sincerity, and receiving confirmation that not only was my little insignifcant voice heard...but was answered! That is too awesome! I had to share. I wrote a post yesterday that was so shitty too! My attitude wasnt the best yesterday...I erased it before I posted cuz that is just not who I want to be anymore. I had to pull myslef out of that slump...and looking back...yesterday was a very good day! I didnt feel too good in it...but that doesnt change the fact that IT WAS GOOD! I had to thank HIM for giving me love...even when my attitude was so shitty! Gotta love that unconditional NESS of the Lord...Its tha BOMB!

The next chapter is blank...

Did yall hear about that girl that used to be so damned nervous about everything? She was SOOO self conscious and paranoid...of damn near everythin in life? Did yall hear about her? She was cute (If I MUST say so myself!) She was smart, funny, creative...and so much more...but somehowm she was only able to focus on fabricated shortcomings. She worried if she was good enough, if she would ever have enough...was she, at her essence...enough? She questioned her worth as a woman, a lover, a parent, and as a human being...even though all evidence says she had a heart of gold. And she possessed everything she needed to make it! She looked down on herself a lot even though people around her tend to look up to her. She could not understand how there could possibly be such a big difference between what she believed to be true-in her mind...and what actually was. She suspected that there was a whole other world on the outside of the walls she erected around herself, but she just couldnt seem to get there and stay there. Then she decided to ...Let go. She decided to stop trying to strive for this "look" of perfection. She decided to stop being ashamed for the way that she is. She decided to embrace the way she is wired...and not feel bad at all when it is not like everyone else. She decided not to be focused on being right or justified...and just be herself. She decided to create a life that worked for HER. And that celebrated her! She decided to bask in the glory of womanhood and to go with the flow of parenthood. She decided that she would tackle the things that she deemed important...and pass on the things that didnt tickle her fancy. She decided to stOP 'thinking' so much about living and actually LIVE her LIFE! She would embrace and learn from her situatioins...and keep on going! She will not be held back...by ANY one or ANY THING! She is okay with herself. She is okay...PERIOD! Living in this way...is liberating and she is FREE! She has dropped the bags that she has carried around for so long...they cramp her style, hurt her baCK...and they just dont GO with the fabulousness of her new THREADS! Its a new damn day yall! And I'm SO GLAD IN IT! What comes next??? Lets see...

Such a Beautiful Morning!

I had such a wonderfully exhausting morning. I had an appointment with my son...so I was going to go in late for work. I was able to sleep til I was done...Woke my baby up with a song...He smiled SOOOO BIG! I melted. I fed him his bottle in the still of a soundless morning. Gave him a bath...got him dressed. Brushed his hair...All these things that I didnt realize I missed by working so early. It was SOO nice yall. Walking around humming like we had nothing to do...but enjoy each other. Naturally that casuale attitude had us 20 minutes late for our appointment...but we were having a moment. haha I realized that THIS IS THE WAY I WOULD LIKE MY MORNINGS TO BE! I would like to get up and instead of the first thing I do...is rushing to get myself ready for work...then sneaking him a kiss in his sleep...I want to get up and see my son smile. Interact with him. Laugh with him. It was so...pleasant! That word doesnt seem cool enough but the vibe was definately one I loved. Now once we left the house...it was on! Places to be, questions to answer, requests, signatures, feeding information, vaccinations-TOO MANY THOUGHTS! We still had fun! He weighs a whopping 18 lbs now...which is why I am out of breath when I carry his big ole butt in his carseat! Well I took him back home...and then trudged into work...Its okay...but I keep having flashbacks of his smile, cuz he normally wakes up growling. I wonder did he notice anything different. Did he even notice that he normally doesnt see me that early in the AM? Probably so huh? He's a baby...but very aware of his life I guess. Well anyway....I go to my first prenatal this afternoon...so I am so excited about coming late and leaving early...hopefully I will get to hear her heartbeat today! Assuming that I am far enough along. I cant wait to go shopping this time around. I didnt really dress up with my first pregnancy...I was too busy trying to squeeeze my azz in my regla clothes (damn denial is deep)...but this time I want to stay cute! After all, the last thing I want to be a tired looking mama! Even tho I SO am! wink Well just wanted to share...things are looking up. Or I'm looking up...one. Either way...the mood is good and my spirit is light! I hope you all are having a wonderful day! Love.

Ize Re-tah-did

I have a flat tire! I get off work in half an hour and I have a effin flat. A nice gentleman told me like an hour ago...instead of me being thankful (which deep down I was) I wondered how this man knew what car was mine and where to find me...as I work in a large office building with many suites. Hmmm...And my coworker has told me that she is going to go and borrow a jack and take me to get another tire so that I dont have to worry. I wasnt worried tho. My plan: Roll on that tire to the gas station...and put air in it...then make it back to the city so that I can purchase a tire at the tire shop. That is a good plan. However it made my coworkers-yes the racist ones-(lol) nervous so they concocted this plan...Why dont I want to accept the help? It makes more sense...I guess I just dont want to feel like YOU looked out for ME. I dont want to feel indebted to anyone...and I should KNOW better...but I cant help it. I dont want her help. I would like to do it ALL BY MYSELF, thank-you-very-much!!!!! Me and my faith. haha is that stoopit or what? What if this is God's way of letting me know that I would not make it...its not like I have a cell phone to call AAA (which I also dont have either) Why cant I accept this help, when I 'seem like' I need it? Why do I have issues with the word....NEED? I am falling to fuggin pieces! But my ego is glad to announce that I am not alone. My other co-worker just asked me how did I feel about this situation...cuz she would feel weird! I am not alone! whew!

Mommy part Deaux

That chick is dying. That chick I wanted to be for so long. That chick that was Fly beyond belief and just doin her damn thing. She is dying in favor of another chick...who I am terrified of. The mother of two. Help me mothers cuz I have so many demons regarding this.

I dont want to belive that children kill your dreams or defer them so far that YOU find it hard to recognize them...but deep down in the silence, I do.
I dont want to feel that any chance of fabulousity or real personal growth is gone...but deep down in the silence I do.
I dont want to think that I have to trade my self for the shoes of being a "mother"read: martyr...but I do...(yeah I got issues with that too)

See here's a little background...My mom said things all the time to the effect of..."I wanted to but I had yall to think about..." or she would say..."that would have been nice, but I have kids..." And at the time I would think...HA HA! (SIMPSONS) But now...these things are resurfacing...Is it possible to still be who I am and be a mother. To continue to grow and not fuck up their life, as I am still learning? Can I be the woman of my dreams and still have a family with familial obligations? I feel like my world, though enriched in many ways is closing in around me. I feel like I need to make some serious DECISIONS...major commitments! I dont feel it with urgency, but I do feel it with certainty. The intensity is unmistakable. I am about to be two little humans mother. Am I even big enough for this job? I try to say, God knows what He's doing..but then I remind myself it was not God who got me pregnant. Well I guess that depends on what you believe, but neither here nor there. I am AFRAID. Moreso than ever before. Who am I going to be? I am so afraid of losing myself in this process...I feel the remnants of my former self slipping into oblivion more and more each day. When I cant wait to get to my son...and his awesome smile. I think that is so awesome to love him so much...then panic takes over and wonders what happened to the girl who wanted such and such. She is not really here anymore. This is such a curious notion to me...I am changing. And I am aware of it AS it is happening. Im sure this is all normal. Priorities change, desires change, LIFE changes...But I never noticed before I guess. Now its hard not to notice. I am not in Kansas anymore...and Kansas wasnt the spot to be...but I shole do miss it! Sigh...