The More I Understand...The More I GROW!: June 2007

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant.
People feel like they really don't know the true you...
Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant.
People feel like they really don't know the true you...
Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force.

Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself.
It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose.
You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsthepartofyouthatnooneseesquiz/

25 June, 2007

Over the weekend

Well this weekend went by too danggone fast. Good news...Before I had to call my landlord for the door...one of my uncles (now upgraded to FAVORITE!) came by and fixed it! Now he came BEFORE 8:00 on a Saturday...but I can forgive that. ONCE. I was so happy, cuz I didnt want to spend any of my trip money on a new door. He got it looking better than new...well actually better than it was before. I am SO happy bout that one. This weekend my baby got his first little tooth-bud!! Which to him must mean...no more baby food. Cuz I swear...he is not feeling it. AT ALL! But he is totally captivated by my food. Sigh. Am I alone...or is it so frustrating having to feed a child who eats off your plate...when you are starving? I have to chew it up for him...gross I know...but haha its not me eating it! So every bit I chewed he wanted...I'm pouting like, "Mommy is hungry too!" Upon hearing that...he took it into his own hands to get it himself. My man is so brave...he is the only human alive willing to sacrifice a limb to put a hand on my PLATE! He is growing up so fast...Well nothing much to report...cept I am tired of 9-5 in it. I came to work, thankful and happy...semi well rested and just bored with this ish. I do the same things EVERY WEEK. Then I get two days off to recoup...just to do it all over again...God...I am ready for my REAL assignment now! Please...

22 June, 2007

Breaking down ALL barriers!!!

Okay...So after work, buy my mom dinner...take it over there. Had fun! My son pooped himself out with all of his scooting and rolling. I get a slurpee on the way home. A large cherry one! mmmm [insert perfect evening music here]

So later...I take the garbage out (for the first time in like 31/2 years) neither here nor there....Im doin what needs to get done. Feelin good! Go in the house...wash hands...forget my damn slurpee in the car. So grab baby and walks my ass casually out the door...close it behind me...(Shit! Damn door locks behind me!!!) No keys, no phone, no change, no landlords phone number. I am screwed! I go thru something resembling a panic!! What am I going to do? Think think...Usually I call my man right now...or my mama (Yep in a panic--I'm one of those "I wont my mamaaaa!) Have no clue what to do...this boy is heavy...and he is not even helping me by wrapping his limbs around me...he is limp. So I am in the hallway, with my dangling son, my slurpee and nowhere to go. All of a sudden, my chinese food starts to work! (yeah TMI--AND????) My mind is racing....what do I do? I'm a grown azz woman--with a child who depends on me to KNOW what to do...and I'm thinking Please mama read my mind--come and save me. Needless to say...it did not work, tho it has in the past...grrr. So as my stomach continues to turn and make unGodly noises...I come to the conclusion that there is only one thing left to do...break the damn door down!! First I rammed it holding my baby...cuz the floor in the hall is filthy (getting work done)...then I though what if something flew out...I could never forgive myself..so I place him in the mail bin (he did NOT like that)...and proceeded (just like in the movies) to break the damn door down with my pregnant shoulders. It HAD to be hilarious. If it wasnt me, of course. I tore the locks the chains and the whole damn molding off the door! The plan was to fix it back so that it worked and looked good...so much for all my miraculous stunts for the day. It is a HOT MESS! My sister came over and put an ottoman and a tv behind it...and thats holding it...until I call the owner today. I am going to be so embarrased explaining...that I locked myself out, and so I broke the door down. I feel like a damn gorilla! And I dont want to pay for this...I know its my fault...But...dang! Havent I been thru enough already?? lol

21 June, 2007

Guess what I'm doing???

No..not planning what I'm going to wear out of town...nope not planning what to eat IMMEJITLY after work (tho I should be--girl is STARVIN!) I am learning how to add extra stuff to my blog. Unfortunately, I work on a computer all day, but I do not have a lot of 'knowledge' on the how-to's. I love reading people's blogs!! All of my BLOGROLL gets checked daily! Okay...If I am completely honest...several times a day! But after reading Tanyetta's blog...and MONNIE!!! I realize that pictures really are worth a thousand words. I mean, maybe thats the voyeur in me...but I really love to see pics of people and places that are referenced, smiling kids, and just LIFE. I always "claim" that I'm going to add some more 'things' to this page...but never do. Partly cuz my azz is always tired after work, and partly cuz I dont have the web at home anymore...I know, I know the stone age. But mostly cuz I just dont know how. When I was pregnant with my son...I joined an online pregnancy community and they swore I was faking (can you believe people DO that? I mean ugh!) But anyway...one day after it was implied that I might not be authentic...I went to the bathroom and took a pic of my belly (shirt up) from my phone and posted it! Well yeah...that ended that...but I want to add more! I want this to reflect ME and not just my mood swings and psychopathic rants!! :) Hopefully I can figure this out soon. I hope there is a tutorial...I'm not too swift sometimes. Have a great day yall!

20 June, 2007

On my way...!!!

So I get a call on Monday evening...from my man. And he is exhausted. He cavalierly tells me..."Oh and by the way...I'm not coming back to Michigan...so I hope you are ready to live in Louisiana." Me: Excitement and terror. I dont know what to think. This has been a dream for so many years, and it WAS the plan. But now that its looming with a certain definateness... (is that a word?) :) I am worried. I slipped up and told my mom...and she went into full fledged guilt trip. What about me? blah blah and her new business? blah blah...and the levies? blah blah...and your FAMILY? BLAH BLAH. I totally understand how she feels tho. Its not like I left for college, I stayed here...I am 27...so I'm guessing she assumed I would always be here...but...fraid not. What am I to do? I feel bad...but at the same time...I have a family of my own now...and the impending SAHM status!!! Which I am totally looking forward to! I have to do whats best for our little unit, right? I mean there is no way in Sweet Heaven that I would stay just because she wants me to...but I feel the guilt just the same. I feel like somehow by leaving I am abandoning her. She needs me...without me...who would she put down to make herself feel better? Sigh. Who else will let her be her miserable self and still love her SO MUCH? Yeah...its good to know you will be missed. But I'm moving!!! So excited!!!

18 June, 2007

Too familiar???

How do you guys about people you know and see in your daily life reading your blog? I feel weird about it. Its not that I lie on here...its just that I am so honest. I dont want people that I have to look at in the face to know what I am willing to tell total strangers. Is that weird? I think so...But it is truth. Some things I admit on here...I would never utter to people in my life...why is that? One I dont think I know anyone who can be objective enough to give me space to be me...learing and growing in MY way. Without telling me how it should be...instead of giving me room to grow in how it is. I also dont like to hear..."If I was you..." That is a phrase that I have heard over and over again in life. And I dont like it. Never did. Never will. That is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. How do you know? You could NEVER be me. You can imagine what it is like to be in my shoes...but you cant know. Even if I tell you. Because words can never truly capture life. Close, but not in its entirety...sigh. I just dont think that people who already have a preconceived notion about you can offer the type of awareness needed to percieve you truthfully.....so if you know me in life...stop reading my shit! If I trusted you like that...I would share this with you. I dont...so quit eavesdropping on my personal shit! (Yes its on the internet...for all to read) But not you! So peace. Go kick rocks!

Hmph! What do I know? Absolutely nothing

Secretly I always thought I would I be a baby mama to someone. I dont know why...could be because thats what I saw the most growing up. Not necessarily your typical got pregnant by anybody and had the baby, but marriages that didnt last or just happily ever afters, that had an after that...N-E who! I always in the back of my mind pictured this reality for myself. However after these past 2 days...Yes it only took two to break me. I-am-NOT-built- for- that! I have to give so much credit to women who do this. Yall are SO STRONG! It is not easy to raise a child anyway, but to do it alone....Dude! I dont want to overexxagerate and make it seem like I'm falling apart at the seams, (I am) but I am WELL AWARE of the impact that two parents have on the child and on each others well being. I never had to put off a shower or literally work in the midnight hours to get things done for the next day. Might be the life of most mothers...but this was NOT my reality. What I didnt do, my man did. When I needed a break take a shower, or just chill for a minute...he was there. A lot of times, I just got to do what I needed because they were just enjoying each others company and that freed me up to roam the house. (these comments not applicable during basketball season) However...this new life is a WHOLE NUDDER thing. Showers have to get in where they fit in. Nothing seems leisure...its all a damn rush! All the time! I cant just zone out...because while I'm zoning he is rolling or crawling or putting something in his mouth. Dude....I miss my man-desperately. I dont need to enjoy my energies no more! They're mine right...I can chill with them all day! I just want my partner back. This is not fun. Yeah Yeah...I know. Its gone make me stronger and all that bull. (I cant believe I formed my fingers to type that shit--being all hype over this, as I called it freedom! hmph! ) I miss life when I had someone to share all these lovely experiences with. And all the diapers and baths, and tantrums, and smiles, and jokes, new sounds, and toes in my chest at 2AM....YES my son is back sleeping with me...cuz if he dont sleep with me...I DONT SLEEP! And yall...I am rugged enough already... I needs me sleep. Maybe its harder because I am pregnant and already at an energy deficit...but I swear...the appreciation factor just skyrocketed again! For both my man...and my mother. I try to sound like its business as usual...but yall. I-am-not-feeling-this. To all mothers out there who make it do what it do...I congratulate you! You are the bomb forever...and I pray that your children appreciate all that you do!

15 June, 2007

Fabulous Flaw?? to me anyway

I am too damn excited over my man leaving for a while. Now mind you...I do feel excitement for him as well as HIS cause. He hasnt traveled a lot in his life...or experienced a lot of different places, and I know this will be so good for him in his life. And he is going to provide for our family better than he presently can in this place, so I am feeling really good about that. But upon deeper examination. I am also feeling good because I will not have to hear any damn backlash about my spending habits. There will be a marked savings in petro expenses...I am going to relax my budget a bit and not have to feel guilty about my "frivolous spending". [insert evil laugh here] I will not have to ask...what would you like to eat today? Because guess what???...I'm going to have tuna fish and bologna sandwiches or grilled cheese EVERY DAY!!!! Vegetables...isnt that what my multi is for? Overexxageration...I will sneak a vegetable in there a few times a day...and fruit. but for the most part...I get to make decisions PURELY on what I want....and that excites me to no end!!! For so long I have had to collaborate on things that I wanted to be just MY decision. Now I may be wrong and a bit selfish...but I just dont like to ask opinions on certain things...and those things just happen to seem like exaclty what a wife would HAVE to ask about. I think I may be jaded, but I feel that relationships kill a part of me that makes me feel LIKE ME! Well not kills it...but 'blends' it. I feel like a unit as opposed to an individual...and I like feeling like an individual. I dont want to imply that I dont like living my life with him...its great...but when I want Natural Cranberry Juice and you want VERY FINE-ultraviolet colored juice! Sigh...makes me crazy...now I can just cash out my 8 bucks on my little healthfood store juice and revel in the fact that there is NO ADDED SUGAR...yep its very expensive, but good for me and I'm worth it! And no it isnt in the budget...but I got it anyway! nah nah! I hope I dont go overboard and have to hear an 'I told you sos' when he gets back...but hey! Whatver right? The damage will already be done...and I will be smiling underneath my..."You were right...I was wrong...I REALLY learned my lesson this time. :D I know that once I am alone for days and days and days...I will feel it...but...I am gone have my ju-UCE!!!! And some space to really FEEL my own energies.

14 June, 2007

Exactly where I'm SPOSED to be...

If you have been following my journey through this phase of life, you may have noticed a common thread throughout every post...discontent with the way things are. That is something that has always been curious to me...how insane one can drive oneself being adverse to the way that things are ALREADY showing up. I mean to be adverse to something that is coming makes sense. Then maybe there is something you can do to change the way things will turn out, but to be angry and just depressed about life as it is presently doesnt do anything...just feeds your anger and depression. Last night...while I talked to God about the challenges that are facing me in the coming days, instead of feeling overwhelmed, which seems to be my default some days...I felt invigorated. Like "OH IM BOUTS TO SEE WHAT IM MADE OF FA REAL!!" And I am totally up for the challenge. Why? Whats different now? I am looking at life from an elevated position. I dont see hardship, I see room for growth. I dont see being alone, I see time to REALLY get in touch with me. I dont see whats going to happen months down the line...I see me effectively handling each and every moment that comes up from now til then. With ease and grace...cuz thats the stuff I'm made of. And this experience will give life an opportunity to prove that to me. Or the other way around...dont know. But I am so excited. My son and I are going to Louisiana for the 4th!!!! We will stay for about 5 days!!! I am so excited. I-CANNOT-WAIT! I'm going to the boot! say what? I m going to the Boot! I cant wait...I have never posted pics but I will definately do so this time. I am going to visit New Orleans and hopefully get to see my LOVELY family while I am there. I AM SO HAPPY right now. No its not that constant peace that I long for...but its an excitement that I have not been able to muster for a LOOOONG time! Life should be a series of moments of eager anticipation. Yes...this is GOOD!

07 June, 2007

Go Paris...Its yo birthday!

A friend and I were having a conversation about heiress Paris Hilton. My friend thinks she sucks because she's famous for being an heiress and spending daddies money. When I pointed out that girl is making her own...she balked at that...and kept on saying that she started off having money already...to which I replied and? I personally understand where my friend is coming from...but me being me and her being her...we felt the need to somewhat challenge each other. I dont think there is a damn thing wrong with being born into money and using that platform to propel you forward. What are you supposed to do...pretend your family isnt rich and slum just for the sake of slummin? I do understand that there is an unspoken about affluent people in life. I felt it growing up...and I never understood it. How can you have disdain toward people who have what you desire? Well I understand that also...But I personally think Paris is one of the smartest chicks around. You'd be insane to think this chick is anything but ingenious. True some of her tactics are not of my taste...but she sees a place where she can be successful and she's doing it. And like her or hate her...she has FANS and INVESTORS! And found someone to pay her for what she does and she obviously enjoys her work. She has that thing and it pays swell! I am not a fan of Paris, but I am a fan of people doing their thing and making it profitable for themselves...and she is definatley doing her thing. And I'm not mad she got out of jail early...When I went...I got out early too...and dare ya to be mad! I was happy as hell. It wasnt bad...but I was happier at home! Did I feel bad for the inmates I left behind? Who had to serve their entire sentence...NOT ONE DAMN BIT! I was too busy counting my good fortunes over getting out! Plotting my next move! Gone Paris witcho bad self! Do whatcha do!

Plain Jane

I am a plain girl. I am extraordinary on the inside! I have a lot of passion (somewhere) and a lot of potential for GREATNESS! I have a broad range of interests (most of which I dont even touch on here) but I feel so...well rounded. But what has always and seems to continue to be a weakness for me is physical presentation. I have never mastered capitalizing on my personal brand of reperesentation. And the longer I live...the more I am realizing how important this is and how many areas of my life this crosses over. I am cute. Not cute like I have told myself enough times to believe it (tho I have-cuz I cant help it..) But I am really an attractive woman, yet I dont use half of what I'm working with in a useful way. It is in my nature to decorate plain things and make them sparkle. It is one of my many talents in life. I try to bring out the best in people, situations, and life. I am told I am even doing that when I feel shitty and like I have nothing to give. Which yes...has been a lot lately...but I remember one day we were given paper bags and we were told to put a number on it...for some game (memory lapse) but I remember thinking...MY bag was going to be the SWEETEST bag around! It was fly...a lot of people wondered why I did so much more extra...and I never had an answer...it was just as I am designed to be. As a child I NEVER second doubted my instincts to elaborate on things...however my appearance is just as plain as a new brown paper bag. No marker, no glitter, not even a damn number of distinction. I dont understand how to get out of this...rut. For the past few years, I have tried to get 'used to' and even boastfully accept being plain, bragging that I'm low maintenance, scoffing at women who actually had themselves together...but the truth is...I'm not low maintenance...Im boring and plain and it does NOT in any way shape or form reflect the REAL ME! But how do I go back after all these years of showing up the same way? How do I break away from the familiarity of this cloak of khaki I have all around me? How do I begin to celebrate myself when its obvious that I gives not a DAMN now? I dont know how to change...even if that change is transforming into who I am SUPPOSED to be.

I look around at my home, my car, my wardrobe, my desk, my eyebrows, my life...and it DOES not speak anything about WHO I AM. I mean technically it does...but the person who it reflects...is not who I AM. She is some weird android imposter, who I let run my life for a while. And look at what she's done to it...made it gray and boring. Sigh...just venting...i doubt that anyone can really help me...but me.

04 June, 2007

Boot! Here we come!!!!

I may be moving to Louisiana!!!! I am not wanting to get all excited about it...cuz this is the second time in the last year that it has been a possibility, but it seems more likely this time. First of all let me say that living in 'the boot' has been a dream of mine since I visited there 3 years ago. It was literally THE BEST time of my life! There was something about the "atmosphere"...and that southern hospitality...I cant say enough about it...so Imma stop now. I loved it with all my heart and soul. And I believe that I will be moving there after my child is born. The drawbacks...well my family is here...the good things...I have TONS of family there!! and they are awesome!! I never felt so much love in my life!!! I love the openness and quiet beauty of the south. I loved the energy of the people. I love the way living there MADE me into an outdoorsy person. I love the way it was slow and REAL. Its hard to explain the mark that Sweet Louisiana left on my soul...but I could never EVA forget it!!!! I think it will be a wonderful place to raise grounded children...and I am just so excited!! My man is leaving in 2 weeks to go and work down there...from what my brother in law says...there is an infinite amount of work to do (construction) and that is what he does...so he's leaving. I will be bare foot pregnant with a baby at home... but the sacrifice will be well worth it if at the end of the year...I get to LIVE there. I cant wait. I am a country girl deep down in my heart...and I cant wait to align my heart and life!! Wish us luck!!!

The More I Understand...The More I GROW!

28 June, 2007

Just something I noticed...

A picture..

WTF is wrong with my layout?

Right or Happy? Do I really have to choose

27 June, 2007

Questions for today?

Hmmmm?