Pride and Prejudice

Well after sufficiently making myself sick over the complete and total discriminatory events yesterday...I got a message that literally BLEW MY MIND! LITERALLY! On my way home (since I have no car radio) I rode in silence. And yall know how clear the guidance is in the silence...I heard my mind creating thoughts to try and keep me fired up in my position of "they are WRONG" ...So wrong. I heard myself keep thinking...racism is bad...it is unconstitutional...and I cant work there...but I also heard that calm voice much clearer as well...(yes there are several...sigh) And it questioned the sincerity of my apparent outrage. Hmmmm...While I was at work, spiraling downward, I must admit...I was very much aware of a part of me that was unscathed by the events. Part of me took it much less seriously than the hysterical part did...I tried to deny that part cuz I figured...I, of ALL people should not take racist things lightly. Specially with me being the only non-white in the office. But even as I thought it...I felt fake. I knew I needed to pray on this...because at that moment, I suspected that what I "said" I was upset about and what I really was, were two COMPLETLY different things. So I'm driving and my mind is wandering--And I began to really contemplate what racism was to me. It is a sort of prejudice...but not necessarily a heinous one...its just an automatic fear of the unknown and apparent differences...and while you may want to know what it is that you fear...you are too afraid to find out. When I really examined my definition of it...I realized that I do this ALL THE TIME! And to someone who doesnt know me and how hard I am trying...I could be labeled a not so positive name...and that wasnt fair. I must admit...I felt bad calling my co-workers racist. Because that word has connotations that just dont fit with them. They really probably couldnt help the reaction that they had...and the fact that they are aware that the need to be open is there...lets me know that my JUDGEMENT...and sentence was much to harsh. And totally uneccesary--who I am to judge any-body?? Especially since I truly understand. Just because I dont really do that over race doesnt mean that I dont have any feelings like that. There was a much better way to handle my feelings. That was a call to be higher. An opportunity for me to find out what I'm really made of...Am I truly aware of my own motivations...and I almost missed it...listening to the JUDGE! Well needless to say...I am back. I know now that I wasnt reacting to the events at all...the part of me that identified with their behaviour was reacting to being butchered mercilessly. I was hurting my own damn self by scrutinizing the seeming behaviour of another. Now I understand fully, when you judge others, you really do judge yourself. Cuz if you dont own any part of what you're judging...you would cease to be moved by it at all. Just the fact that I made such a huge deal about the actions of others should have been a warning...I'm sensitive, but not that damn sensitive. There was obviously more to my emotional meltdown that I saw at the time. Well...anyway. I decided that while I dont condone the whole situation, I dont have to participate in it. And I dont have to look at them any different for what I percieve as shortcomings. Who the hall am I anyway? But an emerging Vessel for my Lord. Hate hurts and Love heals...so I think Imma roll with Love. Always and First. I will remember.