I knew it!

First--that feeling that my spirit is "readjusting" itself in my body that I have only felt before I knew I was pregnant before.
I have unintentionally quit smoking.
I go to bed as early as possible.
I am 'craving' hot things.
I am being specific about the ways I want my foods prepared. But that could just be the Virgo in me.
I am becoming abnormally emotional.
My skin broke out suddenly and ferociously...for no apparent reason.

And my first son--is developmentally fast. He started trying to do everything early...everyone said he is trying to "get out of the way"!


4/20 Adding to this list...my sciatic nerve has been bothering me...I have been HOT AS HELL! I actually FEEL the baby moving!! BIG ONE(which means that this is not new) I have not had a period... BIGGER ONE--my belly button is popping back out (yeah still I was in denial)
And God told me so on the way home from work yesterday! That would be the BIGGEST clue I guess. And the POSITIVE pregnancy test I took yesterday! Good Lawd! I am having another child!!! Help.

Forgive me

I learned yesterday that if someone does something wrong...they have done something wrong...If you label them as that...YOU are wrong. If I stole something...I will be dealt with. If you label me a thief...you condemn me to more of the same. Labeling things make life easier for us. It helps us to put things and people into categories that are small enough for us to chew...but labels are nothing more than acceptable limits. In my world which I desire to be limitless...labels have to go. Nothing is good or bad or better than or less than...They exist. If only in our minds. I rebuke labeling and judgements. I allow everything and everyone to be as it is. It is not the purpose of this world to satisfy me or to make me happy. It is the purpose of this world to be the backdrop to my spiritual development. To give me a living guage to let me know how I am evolving. When life is sweet...I am in alignment with my good. When life sucks...I fell off somewhere. Somewhree along the lines I have allowed that which is untrue to become true for me. I am not to suffer. I am to be joyfull in this life. I am to be honest in this life. I am to be LOVE in this life. I am to accept all and condemn none...Cuz what you do to others IS done to you. Not in the future, but in the moment. I forgot the interconnectedness of all of life. I was on a high horse where I was right...and I suffered. Because that is not true. I am not right. I am not wrong. I am...just as HE is. Judgement is suffering.

Dear God, Please help me to know that being right serves no good in my life. Please help me to know that the moment I judge another, I have also judged myself. And that judgement doesnt help to change or to heal or to grow. Judgement now matter how justified to the human mind is poison. It cuts down and decapitates. Please help me to kow that I dont have to judge something as bad or wrong in order to not accept it. I can live and let live. And remain in total peace in the midst of any perceived storm. Please help me to remember that nothing is happening to me...it is happening. And please keep in my mind and heart the truth of connectivity. So that I never again think it is alright to look down on any weaknesses, whether I see them in others or learn them about myself. I love you. And I m thankful that you love me...no matter how ignant I can be sometimes. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your understanding...and thank you for not being human. Cuz we can be so cut throat sometimes. Thank you from the deepest parts of me. LOVE. FIRST AND ONLY. keelah

Pride and Prejudice

Well after sufficiently making myself sick over the complete and total discriminatory events yesterday...I got a message that literally BLEW MY MIND! LITERALLY! On my way home (since I have no car radio) I rode in silence. And yall know how clear the guidance is in the silence...I heard my mind creating thoughts to try and keep me fired up in my position of "they are WRONG" ...So wrong. I heard myself keep thinking...racism is bad...it is unconstitutional...and I cant work there...but I also heard that calm voice much clearer as well...(yes there are several...sigh) And it questioned the sincerity of my apparent outrage. Hmmmm...While I was at work, spiraling downward, I must admit...I was very much aware of a part of me that was unscathed by the events. Part of me took it much less seriously than the hysterical part did...I tried to deny that part cuz I figured...I, of ALL people should not take racist things lightly. Specially with me being the only non-white in the office. But even as I thought it...I felt fake. I knew I needed to pray on this...because at that moment, I suspected that what I "said" I was upset about and what I really was, were two COMPLETLY different things. So I'm driving and my mind is wandering--And I began to really contemplate what racism was to me. It is a sort of prejudice...but not necessarily a heinous one...its just an automatic fear of the unknown and apparent differences...and while you may want to know what it is that you fear...you are too afraid to find out. When I really examined my definition of it...I realized that I do this ALL THE TIME! And to someone who doesnt know me and how hard I am trying...I could be labeled a not so positive name...and that wasnt fair. I must admit...I felt bad calling my co-workers racist. Because that word has connotations that just dont fit with them. They really probably couldnt help the reaction that they had...and the fact that they are aware that the need to be open is there...lets me know that my JUDGEMENT...and sentence was much to harsh. And totally uneccesary--who I am to judge any-body?? Especially since I truly understand. Just because I dont really do that over race doesnt mean that I dont have any feelings like that. There was a much better way to handle my feelings. That was a call to be higher. An opportunity for me to find out what I'm really made of...Am I truly aware of my own motivations...and I almost missed it...listening to the JUDGE! Well needless to say...I am back. I know now that I wasnt reacting to the events at all...the part of me that identified with their behaviour was reacting to being butchered mercilessly. I was hurting my own damn self by scrutinizing the seeming behaviour of another. Now I understand fully, when you judge others, you really do judge yourself. Cuz if you dont own any part of what you're judging...you would cease to be moved by it at all. Just the fact that I made such a huge deal about the actions of others should have been a warning...I'm sensitive, but not that damn sensitive. There was obviously more to my emotional meltdown that I saw at the time. Well...anyway. I decided that while I dont condone the whole situation, I dont have to participate in it. And I dont have to look at them any different for what I percieve as shortcomings. Who the hall am I anyway? But an emerging Vessel for my Lord. Hate hurts and Love heals...so I think Imma roll with Love. Always and First. I will remember.

Mama why?

My mother is trying so hard to be a part of my sons life. I want to let her...and I do, but in my heart I have some serious reservations about it. I dont want to, but the reality is that I do. My mother has hurt me so much in my life. She has told my secrets, stifled my creativity, stomped on my dreams, disrespected my experience, and then left me out to dry when I seemed to be drowning in a life that I was not prepared for. Now mind you, when I need money or anything like that she will help me out if she can...but what I need most and have always needed from her has been that WOMAN to show me what womanhood is all about. Someone to say they understand while holding me close. A place where I could cry if I needed to , where I could go and release whatever burden I was carrying. But I have never had that place in her...maybe it was too much to ask...but I dont think it should have been. I feel like that is the preistly role of mother to child. Am I wrong? Am I delusional to crave that type of thing from a human mother? I dont know. I dont want to be one of those women who blames mommy (or daddy for that matter) for everything. As I am well aware that I am a grown ass woman now with my own life and my own child...and I just HAVE to accept responsiblity for my experience, but it still hurts. It still hurts after all these years, that she always thought I had ulterior motives to wanting to hang out with friends, in HIGH SCHOOL. That she would get angry that I would rather do extracurricular activities than babysit my sister like I have been since I was 6 years old! That she accused me of sleeping with everything with a dick...waaay before I even knew what sex was. That she always rode my ass--to excel just so she could brag to my family about my 'good grades' or 'honors awards'. Like my mind, heart, and love was nothing to be happy about. She put emphasis on the wrong things...and because of this...I hurt. And our relationship is painful to me. She doesnt understand why we are torn. She doesnt GET IT! I can tell by the way she responds to me sometimes, that she has not a clue...even though I have tried many ways to express that...its like she literally CANNOT SEE! I love my mother with all that I am...which says a lot for the bond of mother and child...but I dont trust her. I dont trust that she really wants whats best for me. And I dont fully trust that the affection she shows toward my son is real. I dotn want to be this way...but I am. And it is deep. I am aware that I need forgiveness...but I cant. I tried last night...and the resistance I encountered was overwhelming. I feel like a large piece of my soul is wrapped up in this anger/resentment/distrust of my mother and I suspect that that may be infiltrating other areas of my life. I am tired. I want to just 'get over' my life story...but I am not sure I know how. I mean...this is MY LIFE. This is what has shaped who I am today...no matter how much progress I 'seem' to make...this hurt accompanies every breath that I take and threatens my peace in every moment. After all...how can I love as a mother, when I dont know what that love feels like? How can I expect to be loved fullyl, when that was not my reality? I blame my mother for my lack of success, my lack of self confidence, low self esteem, for my busted dreams, for my lowered expectations, for my confusion, for my closed heart, lack of emotinal development, for my guilt over enjoying life and my insane aversion to pleasure. All of the things in my life that i swore I would never do...I am becoming. I am becoming her as a way of dealing with her. I hurt yall. I want this pain to be over. Like yesterday!

I LOVE Aunt Jemima!

Aunt Jemima
Born into slavery in 1834, the plump, smiling, kerchief-wearing black woman was really Nancy Green. In 1893 she signed a lifetime contract and appeared in ads all over the world.However, her outdated and negative portrayal of an African-American woman offended many and in 1989, her image was updated by removing her kerchief, adding pearl earrings, a lace collar and slimmer look.

I remember an episode of "A Different World" where there was this whole "thing" about Aunt Jemima...I know that was used as a taunt for dark children back in the day...but I dont know. I kinda think she is fly the way she is...I mean she was born into slavery...and still mangaged to DO HER THING...lifetime contract??...what yall know bout lifetime contracts? I think she is AWESOME and I dont know that because a few black people are uncomfortable with the portrayal of her (which is actually HER image) is good enough reason to have changed it. I mean after all she is representing not our faces, but our POTENTIAL for GREATNESS! She was a slave who left a LEGACY. She is the first living trademark. She must have been so proud of her accomplishments. I think it would be wonderful to have a throwback of her original packaging...in RECOGNITION of her accomplishment. After all, she isnt a character...she is a WOMAN and definatley inspiring to me! I love you Auntie J!

Girl! You gone REAP what you sew!!

I remember whenever someone crossed my mother, really or imagined one of her most habitual comments would be..."They gone reap what they sew!" And the same implied to me, if something I did wasn't what SHE expected of me...then I would get threatened with having to lay in the bed I made...haha...Well even as a youth...I was fine with that. I dont mind laying in the bed I make...even if that mug has all types of shit in it...If I made it...then I am willing to lay in it-or remake it (which I have always considered an option). Well I wonder why were comments like this reserved for negative times? I mean if I sew love, congratulations, understanding, compassion, and acceptance...then reaping what I sew is pretty sweet. If I make my bed to be soft, comforting, inviting and sacred--then laying in my bed could very well be the perfect ending to a wonderful day. I was just examining some of the ways that I have thrown the fish out with the water just because I associate the message with unfavorable feelings...but Im so thankful today for that 'saying' that was drilled into my mind time and time again. Because now I have the choice to accept the perfection in it. I can openly accept that I will reap what I sew, and that I will lay in the bed I make...because I intend to sew only what I will love to reap. And my bed will be created with intention. So how bout yall? What chall sewing lately? Is the reaping satisfying to you? If not...? Sounds like we have work to do! Love yall! Have a wonderful weekend!

...for Chuck

Dear God...
I hurt. This time I dont hurt for me and my life...I hurt for Chuck. A client of a client whose wife of 57 years passed away last week...and I spoke with him this morning. He called regarding a letter that he receied addressed to the both of them. He asked..."what does it mean?" In hindsight I can see that Marie is not gone...they are forever one. What a poetic answer...however at the time all I had to offer was my ear. I listened while he spoke. He told me that he missed her something sore...and he did not like that she was no longer here. She suffered, but her leaving only offered small comfort. Because he misses her. He told me he didnt know if he was coming or going sometimes. He told me about his doctors appointment and how everything came back wonderfully. No diabets, no high blood pressure, no disorders whatsover...in this world and for him to be in his 80's that is DAMN good! He says that his Marie is making sure that he is well. I agree. 57 years...is how long they have been together...and in my ignorance I once said that I couldnt imagine being with anyone that long...but to hear the love that fills his heart for her...forced me to be honest. His greatest pain reflects lifes greatest joy. A life of love. A life where you loved and got love in return. He asked a favor of me...could I call him from time to time...and just ask him how he was. I got so choked up...I would be honored. He kept apologizing for talking to me...I was at a loss. His pain was so raw and so real...I felt it over the phone. I still carry it in my chest right now...hoping that if I carry some that it will somehow lighten his load. He told me he was so lonely. I know the feeling. Not his circumstance...but lonely and I go WAAy BACK. I want to be there for him. It moved me how honest he is...and how he is willing to ask for what he needs from the deepest part of him. It is a quality that I have yet to master. It is very admirable. I love him. I will make it a point to connect with him every day. I thought it might be nice to visit him from time to time...even tho thats what he pays our client for. I figure that he could use someone that is willing to be there because they are compelled to be and not cuz they get paid to be . I dont get it...a few months ago...one of my biggest complaints was that I couldnt "feel" anything...now I seem to feel EVERY thing. I am thankful...I am alive. I am thankful...for the ways that I am used. God you are the greatest! Please stay close to Chuck during this time. Help him to keep the love that he has in his heart living eternal. Amen.

Am I wrong???

Now usually when someone starts off anything with that question...I usually automatically say YES!!! But hear me out...I have a situation...that I try to be objective about...but its just not working. My mom is watching my son this morning...and when I called he was crying. Now noone likes the sound of their baby crying I'm sure...but what she said threw me. She said, "He wants to be picked up...and I'm not going to do that". Now on one side, I understand that if you do cave in to every demand that you will produce a spoiled child (yes he is a bit spoiled, we pick him up and cuddle him MOST of the time) But never!!?? I'm not understanding why the idea of giving him affection when he is craving it...is considered a bad thing? Now mind you, she does hold him...but not when he cries for attention. She says sometimes that he just wants to be held...as if that is a good reason to "not" hold him. I am at a loss. I feel like his desire to be held...is a DAMN good reason to do it!!! He is a baby. It is important for his father and I to create a LOVING atmosphere as both of us were raised in environments where it was basically not okay to expect for our emotional needs to be met. So Im knowing thats why we are so sensitive to his needs in that way. I want him to be emotionally healthy and i dont think thats a good thing to let him know early that i will keep you clean and move your digits and talk to you...but if you need to feel my closeness...i may or may not give it to you. Because I dont want you to beleive that you will always get your way in life...I dont think thats the best way to teach that lesson. I want my son to beleive that he can always expect for his needs to be met. Now reality is...he wont always get everything he wants...but in his family...I want for him to feel safe, protected, appreciated and above all that he matters. Not just his physical needs. Personally I think thats where a lot of parents go wrong..giving too much emphasis on taking care of the physical needs of the child and totally ignoring the rest...children are not just little bodies! They are little humans with complexities and human needs for closeness and intimacy just like the rest of us...I feel like I'm too passionate about this...and I may be wrong...but what do you think? Am I taking this too seriously? sigh Or am I just in a mood and everything that rubs me--hurts?

Swinging

I am so tired of swinging up and down. One day I understand this whole thing and the next day my mood is just sour. I am empowered one day...and totally deflated the next. Sigh. I know that this is a part of the process, but I sure am tired of swinging back and forth. Last night...I SAW myself making a mountain out of a molehill. I felt myself having personal issues, but instead of praaying about it...I started an arguement. And then I heard myself say, "I dont want to argue...I just need to understand your thought process when making this decision". The truth was...I didnt need to know...I already knew, I just wanted to hear it verbalized so that I could justify the 'tude that I already had brewing beneath the surface. All of this I was a witness to...but I felt powerless to choose differently. What is happening? When will these mood swings balance out? It is exhausting...to be on top of the world...and then fall right back "in" it. I want to scream!!! Hmmm Maybe now would be a good time to pray...but I am too tired for that too. Sigh..
Jesus...help me.

Elevated

Its time for me to elevate my mind. I have been hearing these lies for so long that I have accepted them as truth. What was once crazy insanity, is now a belief that I measure myself by...and I fall short. When I was younger I was SKINNEEEE! I couldnt wait to have hips and thighs...they were the mark of a woman to me. I thought it was so sexy when I saw a real life woman being all sensual and sultry...free to express her womanhood as glory. I felt so boyish, so "young". I couldnt wait til I had some meat on my bones with which to hypnotize the world. Well...technically I have that body now...only unlike my wiser and younger self...I hate her! I hate that my thighs are so meaty...they are the sexy long legs I begged for as a youth...but now I feel fat...and quite honestly I am not. Why do I feel fat? Because the standard for beauty tells me I am, with every image, every advertisement for weight loss supplements, claiming this woman went from a size 8 to a 4...I feel HUGE! I am told that beautiful hair is long and flowy and shiny (insert beautiful music and woman moaning while rubbing her long luscious locks here)--everything that is NATURALLY not my hair. My hair is curly--VERY curly. It is not shiny by nature--and tho it is about 11-13 insches long...the shrinkage has it looking like its about 4 inches long. Its beautiful and complex. It soft and fragile. It is bold and unique...but do I respect it. Not really. Actually my actions say I am ashamed. I love my hair...but only in secret. Becaue most people dont get it..so that means I cant get it either. Insanity that I have accpted as truth. My skin is mahogany brown. I prefer not to wear makeup...not becaues I dont know how to wear it...cuz thats the excuse I give, but because I LOVE the way I look and feel without it. I only "want" to wear makeup because its like a cultural thing. Everyone is doing it! haha and yes if everyone jumped off the bridge...Its like so many little things that I have adopted a long time ago...that dont make sense to me...yet my world operates by them just the same. I should be seen and not heard...that is from childhood. And my voice is stifled. Ladies dont sit with their legs open...well I always wore jeans...didnt see the point for crossing my legs. All these many messages of past and present only serve to say that what you are naturally is wrong. It is not good enough. You need to be more... But more what??? How can I be more than I am. I'm already everything. I am so much, and I limit myself by believing that somehow I must be more. I must appreciate ALL that I AM. After all ...I am a child of the MOST HIGH! How is that not enough of anything??? He thinks I am perfect. Me and my coiled hair, my soft beautiful body, my introspective mind, and my kind heart. My need for relaxation--DAILY!!! My need to speak what I feel is true, but be humble enough to be corrected if I am not. My fear of failure and my equally insane fear of success. My light and my darkness. My insides and my out...how could I believe anything less? How could I buy into the whole 'not enough' paridigm. I am that I am...cuz he made me that way. And elevation not improvement is my motivation. Today I claim my divine inheritance. I am free to be me. I may not be right, but I am real. I may be different tomorrow, but today this is me. Today I am grateful for all that I am...and I promise that no matter what temporary mood takes over--, I will maintain my peace and my truth. I refuse to buy into the whole thin and lightly tanned and perfect anything exists. My perfection comes from me TOTALLY accepting myself as God made me. Claiming and reflecting my love and joy for the precious gift of life and communion. Today I dont have anything to do but accept and be myself. No matter what the status quo...I have to dare to be me...there is only one of me...and the world misses out...if i am trying to live up to any other standards than the ones that God made for me? I dont have to look a certain way to be considered beautiful...if I accpet the gift of beauty that is naturally mine. I do not have to talk a certain way or pretend to be where I am not in order to be...what I "think" I should be. As most of these thoughts are not mine anyway! Its pure madness...and my awareness of this in this moment...makes me SO GRATEFUL. I know I'm rambling...but its like...I felt so heavy...worrying about weight, and finances, and how my life appears to be...all the while missing opportunity to be grateful for how my life IS. It is lovely. I still have human problems, but I have God...so...by comparison. I cant be too concerned with that. I still have places where I need to judge less and love more, but I am being worked with on that. I have places where I choose fear over faith...but its all good. It happens. Do I stay there...no siree...I always come back. Cuz I live here. In Gods place. I dont live in Detroit...I live in God. I dont live in this world--with all of its falseness...I live IN GOD! Right now...I am. How sweet it is--to be loved by you!

Everyone Can't Be In your Front Row

Life is like a theater, so invite your audiences carefully. Not everyone is holy enough and healthy enough to have a FRONT ROW seat in our lives. Thereare some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It'samazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships, and even family!Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift andwhich ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which onesare on a path of growth uphill and which ones are just going downhill orjust staying still??? When you leave certain people, do you feel better orfeel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, knowand appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?The more you seek God and the things of God, the more you seek quality, themore you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God, the more youseek things honorable, the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love andtruth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets tosit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the BALCONY of your life.You cannot change the people around you...but you can change the people youare around! Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the peoplewho sit in the FRONT ROW of your life. Remember that FRONT ROW seats arefor special and deserving people and those who sit in Your FRONT ROW shouldbe chosen carefully.Everyone Can't Be in Your FRONT ROW.

Disclaimer: I did not make this up, I found it...so while I swear I can be deep and deliver a great message...this one is not mine. Much props to the author tho!

Setting the WILD CHILD free!

Just read this article, http://www.ediets.com/news/article.cfm/cmi_2426398/code_30177, and it got me to thinking...I am so feeling this! Food does create some sort of release or comfort when you arent able to do what is inside your heart to do. Dangerous game to play tho...What little ways can I add to my life to allow my 'wild child' expression?

Wear sexy panties, for no reason at all.
Dance EVERY day!
Play with fashion--to try and incorporate my style with this somewhat conservative environment.
Wear my FULL curly fro to work one day--have yet to wear it BIG!
Flirt! With everyone I see! (ha ha I do this anyway)
Plan a weekend getaway...even if its local. To explore new nouns (people, places and things)
Take a class (taking belly dancing starting next Friday!! so excited about that one!)

So yeah...I'm on my way! I really dont wanna be housewifey? Unless I can be that fly housewife, whose home is fabulous, business handled, but still has a life outside of "responsiblities". Peace.

I dont trust sales people

I dont know why...I guess I dont trust people that solicit because they are trained in the art of persuasion...and I can be vulnerable to advertising. There have been countless times in my life, where I have been coerced or taken over by marketing and sales ploys, just to get home and wonder..."why the hell did I do this?" I hate that feeling, the feeling of being pressured. To conform, to submit, to have my decision be affected by YOUR intentions...bugs the hell out of me. That is why normally I stay away from most home businesses disguised as "parties", candle people, jewlelry people, avon people, and any kind of pyramid program...which brings me to...One of my dearest and yes only friends is coming over today...to introduce me and my man (again) to the business that she is in. It is a pyramid program...and I dont like them. They always make sense to me...but Im just not interested. I dont want her to waste her time...but how do I tell her (again, sigh) that this is not where my heart is? While yes, I would like to make more money...cuz me finances are a bit mangled, I want to make it...MY way. Or God's way...and I seriously doubt that God wants me to get involved in this. It doesnt help anyone in any way. And not to say that anything I do has to save the world...but I need to feel personal satisfaction of a job well done in anything that I undertake. I have to feel effective and that I am doing something worthwhile...not just "making money". Noone understands that tho. They think that just because EVERYONE seems to be driven and motivated by money, that I should be too. And I understand why they feel that way...but I am and always have been a bit different. And I think thats good. I am motivated by personal feelings of success and accomplishment, as opposed to outward appearances of success and accomplishments. Yes...its hard to be that way in a world, where you are supposed to flaunt what you have, but I would much rather be subtle and celebrate what I have. And its hard for me to celebrate empty things. Things achieved for the purpose of achieving things. In my heart, I know I will celebrate my humanitarian efforts, my generosity, and one day, my love for ALL of humanity. And my wealth will come. I do plan on being wealthy monetarily as well. But I just dont want to even focus any of my attention on anything that is not working toward any of my spiritual goals. Its like wanting to go into politics, yet choosing to work in construction...as opposed to working in a politicians office. It just doesnt make sense to me. And if it doesnt work for me then I cant indulge. I feel a bit dogmatic in my approach, and yes she asked me what was I scared of? Salesperson tactic. I responded nothing--this is just not what I want to do. She asked me how did I know, if I havent even heard her out? I answered...I just know. Cuz I DO NOT LIKE PYRAMIDS. If you make money off of me making money, and the only way for me to make money is to recruit more people to do this...that is not for me. I like regular growth. I make money because I see a need and fill it. If it is a good cause, then I will not have to "convince" people to join me . It will be a natural evolution of a good thing growing. Sigh! But she is still coming over. Pray that I can make it thru this without signing up! lol (smile) Sike..I will--I aint got no money for this anyway.

Live and Learn...and Learn...and Learn

~i prayed for this...i prayed for strength...but i did not expect to be exercised to get it...i just thought it was going to placed in me. Am I spoiled or what?

Well yesterday...I was posting on Unknowns Blog...and she spoke of not understanding what was next...well come to find out...the "wisdom" I "thought" I imparted was much more for me...I thought the next logical step was to be able to be you and let everyone else be them...and someohow be unaffected by it all. I wrote it so matter of factly like it was nothing. Like once you knew who you were, just do you baby! WRONG! And my life in such a short time has confirmed just how wrong I was. First of all...you should never assume that you know you. You are ever evolving, especially if you have a prayer life. There is so much to be revealed to you...and I suspect that will go on forever. We probably dont even have enough time to know it all. (so why do i feel i must pretend to? hmm) After each prayer ...you are not the same. If you had a breakthru...even if its one you had 3 months ago...your mind and heart expands a little each time. Your understanding grows and you literally change...so there is not such thing as just BE YOU in the world...and let anyone else be them. Life is so much more than me and you anyway. Yesteday on the way home...I felt my mans melancholy. He is really depressed right now. And so of course his moods are not the greatest and his outlook is dim at best. He feels uneffective and just worthless. Our son is his only brightspot in his otherwise dismal life. And so I asked him gently, If he was interested in starting a relationship with God...and he thought for a moment...and then replies..."I dont ever think about Him...so I guess the answer is no!" I was shell shocked. I mean...I was at a loss for words. And for me that is rare! Later we were talking about our situation...and he kept asking me HOW things were goign to work out...and my response was always, I dont know...but I have faith that its going to work out. And I tried to show him many times in our lives where miracles happened, when we didnt know how, but it just didnt resonate with him...as those being God experiences. And my mind went crazy, attacking him, judging him...criticizing him for him not being "like" me. Trying to be more spritual...and its not just him. I criticize my mom and my sister for not being more aware. Why? I wonder...If I'm trying to think about God and live for Him is everyone else not...It would sure make things easier for" me". But this is not supposed to be easy...but it is supposed to help me grow. And they are not always the same. I know what I need to do now...I need to find enough confidence in my faith to live it without requiring that everyone around me coroborate MY story. After all when it becomes an issue of ME, God has moved to second place...and that is certainly not the space I want him to occupy.
Please God, help me to know you better. Help me to hear you and feel your peace in, up and thoroughout my life. Help me to be love everyone as you love me. Without judgement, with the highest love and patience. Help me to feel gratitude for alternative views, since that proves that I am not alone. In my search for truth. The struggles I face, different from others, but ultimately just the same. We are all searching for you...I can see that. Sometimes we get so afraid of what is out here...that we draw back...but I know we all seek you and I pray that we all find you. so that together...we can BE the GOOD that you see in us. God...I am struggling to exist in this world. I feel like everything is tryign to get me away from you. Please illuminate the way that is directly to you...so that there is less confusion. Thank you. Love

Good Morning!

I am not having a very good morning. I woke up early...still left late. Made a lunch...dropped in in the driveway. Took the road with no contruction...drove behind the slowest cars EVER the whole 20 miles!! Dreamed about work...so I never really left. Tried to be nice and wake my man up so he can go get a J-O-B this morning...and he dragged his feet!!! Tried to pray...but the taunting voice just kept laughing at my folly . Ha hahahahaha Yes this has been a character building morning. My mom was at my house when I got home yesterday...and ...not going there...let me get down to business.

Thank you God for keeping me aware of your presence behind the incidents that have occured in this day so far. Thank you for allowing me to hear my thoughts and feel my emotions brewing a storm in my mind and body-threatening to rob me of my precious peace. Thank you for reminding me that You are much bigger than ALL of my circumstances. Thank you for expanded perspectives that helped to ease my pain and not blame outside sources...even tho...(smile). Thank you for keeping me in a place that I was able to view the events from a heightened perspective so that I was not completely caught up in them. And thank you for reminding me that when I write...I can free myself of anything. And further more...thank you so much for the free back massage that my building is offering. If there was ever a day when I could use it...it is today...and you in all your KNOWING and Grace have once again provided everything I could ever need. You did not stop the events of this day...but you have reminded me that no matter what happens you are here. And when I took a minute to pause...you let me know...that my exterior experience and myself were not one. I am one with YOU! For this and all my life...I thank you. I love you. First and Always. Keelah

Beautifully Human

I met this guy yesterday...He was so beautiful. I was stopped at a red light, where I stop mostly everyday. And everyday there is at least one homeless person up underneath the overpass. I always speak, even if I dont give any money. I want them to know that they are acknowleged. That somewhere out there in this busy azz self important world...someone does SEE them. I feel the same way they do sometimes. I look at you, hoping that you recognize me. That you can help me-to know...but we are all so busy, busy, busy! Trying to get there from here...Digressing..I look at the guy and flash him a smile...and spoke. And he hunched over his sign a bit and then popped it open like he was flashing me! It was hilarious! I had to talk to him. I called him over and asked him his name and blessed him. In spirit and in cash. He took it and offered me my blessings...then as he maneuvered back through traffic, he unfolded the bill and his eyes lit up. He was so excited! He screamed at me...God Bless you! It felt good to give. At first I judged myself and said I gave because he amused me. Like..."Dance monkey, DANCE!" Because honestly I was okay with just speaking...but when I went beyond that taunting bitch! who doesnt really know me at all...I realized that I offered to him because he was me. He was a spiritual being living a human experience. Except in his life story...he had no home, no job...none of the physical trappings that offer false security to most humans in this world...but what he did have, despite what it looked like...was spirit. He had a sense of humor...and the ability to laugh. I loved him in that moment. Because he instantly and reminded me of THE truth. Spirit is free. And in any given moment...nothing else really matters. Being alive is not accumulation or acquisitions, or status or wealth, or beauty or health even (tho life sure feels better with them)...Being alive is being here. Fully present. And able to enjoy whatever moment you find yourself in. Thank you, Dude! For a second I wondered...what if he were Jesus? Did I do good? I think I did. I entered the moment with him and in that moment...we were ONE. So thankfull! Love. First and Always.

Sometimes... you gotta switch it up

There is this mistake I keep making at work. And its not carelessness. Its an easy mistake to make. But the thing is that as much concentration as I put into it, to avoid making changes...it keeps happening. The suggestions that have been offered to me...dont sound like "my" style. Okay...TRUTH! It isnt the way that I normally do it. So I dont want to have nothin to do with it. Especially since the suggestion implies or acutuallyconfirms that MY way isnt the best way. God just showed me that the suggested way is not harder...just different. It leaves no room for error, which means no apologizing and embarrassed feelings. No explanations. And for all of those reasons, this way is much easier. Just another way...it was revealed to me where I was not, despite my words, willing to change. Now that that madness is over with...Back to work. Carrying on, yall! Carryin on!

Thankful for the clarification!

Random Thank-full-ness

I am still waiting for permission. I am still waiting on God to come and save my life. Didnt he already do that? I mean I AM HERE, right?! Correct me if I'm wrong...but is it crazy to pray every day for a more fulfilled life, but ignore the plethora of opportunities that come forward to help me live the best life that I can. Is it insane to pray for better and more honest relationships, then hold in what is in my heart to say or do...because I am uncomfortable expressing. Isnt it strange to say...God help me to keep your peace in my heart?...but then every time something comes along to try and steal that peace, I just forfeit. Give up quick and let the anger, hurt, guilt, depression or whatever other faces the devil wears just take over. Have free reign of my life. Well...I am going to go ahead and accept the PERMISSION GRANTED! Sometimes I get so caught up in "head stuff" that I dont even acknowlege how good life is becoming...right before my eyes. I refuse to see how much I have changed, and how upon close examination...my entire life has changed. No...not drastically. But there is marked joy in times and places where there was once only worry. There is more honestly in places where there was only avoidance. There is patience where there was frustration. And I feel hopeful about some things that I used to feel totally pessimistic about. I have belly laughed more times in the past week, than I did the past year. Life is feeling pretty good right now. See God...I AM paying attention. (smile) And I'm thankful that I came with the built in currency. I love you. And I thank you. And as I say every night...please continue to help me open up and receive You in all your Glory! Take the parts of me that are afraid and hold them. Comfort them. Love them and help me to do the same. I am willing. Beyond my fear...I AM WILLING! Beyond my doubt...I AM willing. Beyond what I can see and so far beyond my wildest dreams...God, I am willing! Please...Use me! I am worthy. I am ready...to let go. Everything that I focus on I pray it is elevated to fulfill what YOU want. I am willing to lay my ego down to rest...she's tired anyway. Ha ha...Love. First and Always. K