Withdrawn

I have been withdrawn from life for so long, I am not sure how to get back in the game. For so long, I assumed that nothing I did really mattered in the big scheme of things, but I am noticing that inquiring minds want to know. People want to know how I am, what I do, how my family is...and I must confess...at first I would be very skeptical. Now, I'm figuring that I am the weird one. I would not ask questions about others lives. I am more than willing to listen if they want to talk, but I am just not good at this whole "friend" thing. I am trying. But it is hard. I have lost so many friends due to me continually turning down invites and just keeping my distance from them emotionally. I figure that getting close to another just opens me up for too much, and I will be overwhelmed. I guess its selfish not to be willing to share yourself with another human...but it is what it is.

Last night, I caught myself making smart comment after smart comment towards my man. And in my mind...I'm asking, "Why are you doing that?", "You seem to be against him not his partner" and I figured that maybe that is the way I keep him at bay. I dont share what I feel with him, because I dont know. He let me know a long time ago that emotional things was NOT something that he preferred to entertain, and instead of letting that go in one ear and out the other, I did what I have done since I can remember...I just shut them down. I just pretend that I dont have feelings. And I realized what that is costing me. It makes him think that everything is fine, when its not. It makes me lie to myself, and work extra hard to keep the truth inside, which of course can make you sick, depressed and left feeling very lonely. And as of late, I am CONSCIOUSLY trying to get in touch with ALL of the feelings that I have buried inside of me. Tucked neatly away, where I am not aware of them. Unfortunately, its been so long, I am afraid to look at whats there. But thats the only way I can be free...I am afraid to change. I am afraid to show up one day FEELING. What if people are turned off by someone so obviously sensitive? Someone who 'needs' closeness and intimacy? What if no one wants to be around someone like that? (I know I am turned off by that) Well then I guess that saves me the trouble of pushing people away huh? Cant push away whose not there.

I feel like for so many years, I have been on this path of trying to hide myself. I tried to dull myself down, pretend that there is nothing at all worthy in myself. Pretend that I dont feel like I deserve to be happy. And for what??? So that I could 'identify' with the world around me? Well the world around me is dying of lack of love and lack of passion. Lack of integrity, Lack of truth. And I am tired of pretending that living at half throttle is okay. I am tired of feeling like I need a savior. I am tired of pretending that what I need is an external change of some sort. I am just plain tired...