Fired UP!

I am so HOT right now!!! I have finally figured it out. Without goals you just float around wishing for things. You hope they happen. You practice having faith that things will work out. And while all these things are fine and good, and very necessary at times, they are not propelling me in the way I would like to go. I come on here and I moan and complain, vent and ponder...and thats all good. It is what it is...but nothing and I mean NO-THING in my life is going to change until I get my azz out of my mind and into my body, into my LIFE and make the shit happen. There is only so much to be said for being aimed in the right direction...if you dont draw back the bow and fire the arrow, then can you ever be satisfied with the "view" of what you want? I asked myself that question and the answer is HELL NO!

I am sick and tired of telling myself I am 'headed in the right direction'. I'm tired of being headed...I need to be THERE...so that I can feel that feelings of drive and determination, passion and success. YOu dont get to possess those by "thinking" about life all the time. Besides, I know that once I make it 'there' my view will allow me to see an even broader view of life, and create desires to strive for even more...but that will never come to pass if I keep spinning myself in circles, making myself dizzy. All I'm really doing is losing mySELF in own shit! And I swear...I.AM.DONE!

I am done making long unachieveable lists of things that I think I "should" be doing, or achieving, or having. I am going to look at my damn life and let it tell me what the next step is. Cuz truth be told, while I want all this extracurricular plush shit, my reality is...that until I can grab hold of my finances and my thoughts about what I can have, I wil have no more, if not less than what I have now. I need to prove that I can successfully handle this before I am blessed with any more. I mean for real, if I am overwhelmed and stupefied off of this, then do I really expect that God would load my plate any more???

I am done trying to think about shopping and external adornment, when its evident that I am not on top of SELF CARE. I mean...external should reflect whats inside, not be a shallow attempt at hiding it. I dont want to look nice so that noone can look beyond and see that I am hurting and out of control in my life. I want to look nice because I Love myself deeply and its a natural outpouring of that love.

I am done trying to create the fantasy world in my mind out of thin air...I am working with THIS LIFE! Thats it...its all I really have. As far as I know, I dont get another life. This one could very well be it! But, I dont appreciate this day because I'm not who I want to be or where I want to be? Who else can I be? Where else can I be? No damn where...so today I have chosen the things that are most important to my life NOW...and I will be building my LIFE-STYLE around making these things work. The good life is not a destination...its a series of choices that support and enhance my original choice. True FABULOUSNESS! And by-golly....why not me??? Today, I cant think of one good reason why not! How bout that?

Growing up

My son cant drink soda...but occassionally I do.
My son cant eat lots of sweets, but I do.
My son cannot eat just because he sees food, but I do.
My son must rest during the day and be physically active during the day to maintain his health...but I dont.
There are times when I am gorging on things not-so-good for me and my man asks me why I am eating it in front of him (knowing he will want some)...and I answer just because he sees me eating it doesnt mean he is getting some. I'm grown! And that is true. I will tempt him with the devil then deny him. It just occurred to me how twisted this is. He is watching me "indulge" in something that I am obviously enjoying, yet not allowing him to enjoy with me. If I wont let his little body be tainted by the poisons that is gas station fare...then why do I allow the same for his mother? What kind of message is that sending him? What is he learning from me? Right now....just that I'm mean. But later on, he is going to recognize that I am not treating myself very well, yet I expect for him to treat himself well. He will immediately notice the disparity between my words and actions. I dont want my son to think I am fake. So now...I have the motivation to do what needs to be done. I cannot live one way and preach another. It wasnt good enough for me as a child, and it is not going to be good enough for my children. The cycle must end NOW. Its not fair for children to grow up and have to interpret whats real. Not at home. So this is my official resignation of being unconscious with the treatment of myself. Noone knows what I want or need but me. But there are two people watching my every move, learning how to treat me and themselves and if I cant do it for me...then is IS DONE for them! No BULLSHITTING.

The Craft bug

I am feeling a bit crafty. I am a bit nervous about doing this...because what if it sucks??? I.HATE TO SUCK. (sometimes) What if I was better off leaving well enough alone? I have this dresser in my room that my man gave to me, and its not cute. Nothing about it okay. NOt the knobs, not the color contrast, nothing as far as I can tell. I was sitting in my room doing my nightly hiatus thing, and I wondered what would happen if I sanded off the paint of the body part? And refinished it in a REALISTIC wood color? There are no black trees! Why anyone would stain wood an unnatural color is beyond me. Then I wondered what would the drawers look like if I covered them in paisley fabric. And dont laugh, but paisley is my FAVORITE pattern EVER!!! And then I thought...thats stupid! But honestly, it would be a whole helluva lot better than it is now. Then I had the idea to make the top drawers padded and satiny (kinda like a casket) May need to rethink that one. Dont know what vibe a casket drawer would bring to my budoir, but ya know. Just feeling like MAKING something. And the fact that the budget that I'm working with to secure debt elimination by the end of this year...is not saying I'm getting a new dresser anytime soon...so why not? I will make sure to post pics, if I decide to do this. May be fun and just what I need to get my creative juices flowing. Question: What do yall do just to express yourselves other than blog and blog hop? Do you have any hobbies?

My cousin LOVES ME!

I had the most wonderful surprise ever on my break...my favoritest cousin in the whole wide world came to visit me at work. It would have been a 'real' surprise...but she got lost and had to call for directions...which just goes to show how long its been. I think of her every day, and I just figured that since I'm all in baby mama mode that we couldnt kick it the same way we used to...but thats just stupid and today proved it. She treated me to lunch (was great by the way) and we just caught up on the latest happenings. Her life is moving! Changes are happening and its just so wonderful to see her all living her life and being all 'grown' and stuff. Cuz to me, we will always be 8 in our nightgowns, doing crossword puzzles and her being fast! I hope she reads this...!

Anyway what is so special about this...is I havent talked to or seen her in forever! She was my best friend throughout my life, even when we dont talk for periods of time. And if you read my blog...you know I have an aversion to connecting and things...and my cousin is someone that I need. She is the most fabulous and real person that I know and I hope that we can continue to connect. It may be hard, because I am not sure how to DO that! Specially now that I feel the pressure to conform to martyrdom. Geez, I wish things like this were easier for me, but alas...this is how it is. And hopefully not the way it always has to be! Thanks girl for making my day! Love you!

....1994

Me, 5'9" 125 lbs, sitting at table munching on a piece of lunchmeat. My mom, about 230 lbs., 5'11" in the background (of my mind)...complaining about her weight. I'm writing, she is annoying me by complaining about something that only SHE can change.

Mom-I just want to lose my stomach!
Me-So why dont you?
Mom-Its not that easy! You, she accused, cant understand!
Me- (thinking to myself)Well I know if you keep going you will reach your goals! If I were overweight, I would 'work-it-out!'

See it didnt occur to me, when I was younger, more naive and thinner, that there was a possiblity of being in a situation that your sheer will couldnt get you out of...this was my TRUTH!

Sigh-I'm so glad my mom has not yet said..."I told you so!"

Truest Trust

Is the trust for self. This is the lesson that my Self is trying to teach me right now. I am definately fighting the message, but it is being reiterated to me almost every day. I have so many goals, that I have not achieved. Not because they were too big for me, or because I didnt plan them out properly, but because I didnt follow through on the "execution". That is a BIG problem in my life. I can make the WORLDS GREATEST PLANS", but when it comes time to do the actual what I perceive as grunt work, goals tend to fall gracefully to the wayside. And one more failure is added to the list.

Up until now, they have sat there at my feet. Beckonning for my attention, but I just step over them (just like I did the mail that day that I got went off on by my S.O.) But regressing...I think about my dreams and goals almost every minute, because once desire for something is truly in your heart...you can deny it all you want, but it will remain there until it comes into manifestation, or until you can truly let it go. In my case, it has been neither. So I finally asked myself...why dont I believe in myself and my ability to "have" what I want? Because after asking the initial hundred questions...that is what it all boils down to.

And the answer that came from a place beyond me responded...because you do not trust yourself. Now that sounds strange to me...how can one not trust themselves?...and then I just sat with that question and my day played itself out for me...from a very untrusting perspective. I learned a lot.

The biggest procratstination has been on my heatlh and fitness goals. I used to believe it to be possible to change...but then somewhere along my ascension through obesity...I stopped believing. All of a sudden, the possiblity of change was no longer real for me. Even though there is always a quiet voice that encourages me to believe otherwise. Yesterday while I sat alone with my thoughts...I felt challenged to do 15 girl push-ups! I thought it impossible. My body is still very weak from giving birth...I knew I couldnt do it. I thought...I can build up to it. The voice told me...that I could do it NOW! And this is just a small example of how my mind deflects itself from the truth in order for me to think I'm "right". So I made up a few more reasons not to even try. But at the end of them all...none were good enough, I mean I was already on the floor, for Gods sake!! So I aligned myself shakily on my wrists, which I was sure would crumble under the weight of my hefty-ish upper half...and do you know what??? I did TWENTY of those bad boys--NO PROBLEM! (slowly and with proper form, might I add?) Pat! Pat! Even when I wanted to stop...which I did...I just remembered that SOMEONE someWHERE thought I could do it...so If I trusted in that...I probably could. And I did!!! So that voice...is the truth. And it would behoove me to pay attention to it. It tells me all kinds of things I am afraid to accept as truth, but that would enrich my life like nothing else. LIke I am beautiful, capable, loved, important, by design, and on the right path. Yeah...I'm good people! You are too! Hope we are having a great Monday!

Greater Later????

When I get some more money...then I'm gone be the ISH!
When I pay off all my bills, then I'm gone be the ISH!
When I redecorate my home, then I'm gone be the ISH!
When I get my car fixed, then I'm gone be the ISH!
When I get my body RIGHTEOUS!!!, then I'm gone be the ISH!
When I travel abroad, then I'm gone be the ISH!
When I get some new clothes, then I'm gone be the ISH!


...and the list goes on. Is peace for sale? OR is it just me that thinks that when I get what I need tomorrow then I'll be okay today. Crazy!

What do YOU do...?

When you are dead wrong...and you get checked on it? This happened to me, and while I get it. I understand your anger, and you are justified in it...but, HOW DARE YOU GO OFF ON ME???

Hurra up and BUY!

Monica once said something that her mother told her...Only buy things that you love, that way you will always have things that you love. Now that is not a direct quote, but you get the gist right? Well anyway...I dont do that. Things I love hardly ever get bought. Not because I dont deserve what I want...but I can harldy afford what I love. My tastes FAR EXCEED my cash. ALWAYS. I'm not a shopper, meaning I hardly ever find myself in a store--in the event of a sale. So I have lots of things that are far seconds to what I really like. I was scanning my closet the other day...I dont LOVE anything that I own. Some things fit well on my body, better than others, but something that makes me put that extra STANK into the walk?? Fraid not. [insert sad face here] But boy oh boy has fashion been pulling at my heart lately. I have been seeing some things that make me want to ignore my bills and just be the consumer that I am built to be!!!! :) I am going to go shopping soon. I can feel it!

What I learned from the Fed Ex guy!!!

Happy Monday all! I hope you all had a FABULOUS weekend! Mine was okay. But you know whose was great??? The Fed-Ex guy! I asked a few people how their weekend was, and I get the normal, "nice, relaxing, boring and the occasional great!" But when I asked the Fed-Ex guy...he made me pause and look at him, because he responded, "Oh it was WONDER-FULL!"... and I could tell that he meant it. He said it with such a fondness...I told him how AWESOME that was and how rare that people actually said it that way. He went on to tell me...he had pampered himself all weekend--he deserved it! HE DESERVED IT! And he bounced his happy azz on out of the office, oblivious to the TREMENDOUS impact he had just made on my life. I am feeling guilty for being in the bathroom too long, and he took a whole weekend for pampering! And the benefits showed. Nice huh? Thanks Fed-Ex guy!

Introducing...Xavien!!!!

It took me FOR-EVER to get these pics! I am so technologically unsavvy. I'm trying. :)

Under Construction

Like my life...my blog is under construction. Until the rebirth...Smooches!

The nicest thing EVER!!!

I have been pondering lately the breakdown of REAL face-to-face communication. And how it seems to be a lost art form. There are many ways in which this is evident, just take a look at ALL THE WAYS we can communicate. And the ways are ever increasing and expanding. I have been thinking that this trend is creating a very ungrounded population. I must admit, the thought of communicating with someone honestly face to face is something that intimidates me...but give me an instant messenger and I can express myself perfectly...the only real difference is the feeling of vulnerability is removed. I dont have to sacrifice the intimacy that comes with REAL LIFE CONNECTIONS. I have been craving connection like its oxygen. I am beginning to suspect it is MUCH more important than I give it credit for. Anyway...I was thinking that I want my children to grow up knowing their family...and since my childhood, we have all kinda dispersed. I mean we get together on random holidays, first births and I'm sure I'll see them at funerals, where we will all gather and speak the goodness of the person who we've not connected for years...but why it gotta be like that? Why cant we just really K.I.T?
I have two aunties...one of them was the "young" auntie, who listened to 80's hip hop and was the one I wanted to be, when I was younger. She was pretty, could cook and drove her 90 Cavalier Z24 with the radio FULL BLAST! I was SO pimped out shotgun! (of course now she is not remembering ANY of that!!! and she wishes those young kids would turn down their music) And my other aunt is the wise one. She is the one who is the 'healthiest' person I know. She knows home remedies and exactly what to do or say to bring you back down to earth. They have both been attempting to make contact with me lately. They come and visit my children and even brought groceries and home-made goodies for us! NOw this is A LOT! We dont talk much, but they are extending an invitation, and I am hesitant to take it. But in my heart I know I should...I mean they made me FOOD. And I fully understand what a personal and beautiful gesture that is. I mean for someone to offer you food they've cooked is nice, but for them to cook something with YOU in mind--almost brings tears to my eyes. It is so personal in this technical world. I feel loved, and worthy. Its beautiful. I think I'm going to grab that branch.

You know what I want?

I want to be in mediation with God late at night, after my children are asleep. I want to have the loving energy of God wash over and throughout me, cleansing me of all my fear, insecurity, foolish desires, cloudy vision, hurt, pain, selfishness, judgement...blah blah blah. I know that a cleansing of this magnitude will probably be what we call painful. I will want to stop, and run back to the familiarity of the my life, but I will pray that God doesnt give in to my fear...and keeps going. Please ignore my cries and continue to purge all this 'hurt' from my mind, body, and soul. I will writhe and cry from the emotions that resurface. But I lived through them once...its okay to feel them again as they get ready to leave my consciousness. Once its complete, I will have that 'knowing' that I dont have to suffer through my past again. I will have that moment of clarity and peace that only happens after one goes thru such a transcendent experience. I will be exhausted, but joyfull. I will drift off into THE MOST restfull sleep one could imagine. I will dream vividly, and my body will be safe in the emcompassing warmth of God. His voice will whisper truth in my soul. I will feel His GOODNESS...permeating in and beyond my physical body. I will finally be at rest, knowing that He is real...and that love that I have fantasized about for SOO LONG is real also. And just like I had always heard, is ever present and always available to those who seek it. And I knocked, unto me it was opened and I have it. I AM it!

Blogdentity???

You know how when you go to someone's blog, you can get a pretty good feel for who they are, by what they talk about? Most of the blogs I go to are pretty clear what the people that wrote them value. I am not sure that I am liking how I am coming off. I mean, it must be true about me...because I dont lie about anything, but I just seems so...'troubled'. I mean...I do a lot of SELF stuff...like there arent any other things going on in my life. I have two BEAUTIFUL children...however the dont make it on the pages much. I have a man, who...okay I'm gonna leave that one alone, not feeling very happy right now. I have some truly miraculous things that happen to me on a regular. I have family, a few friends-ish. No real social life, but I feel so one dimensional and narcissistic. I truly am pretty much THE ENTIRE focus of my life. How can I move my role players into a more prominent position? (Is it wrong to consider other people role players? Or is that just a testiment to the size of myself in my own mind?) It is exhausting and depressing to only be able to see my neuroses and not how VERY important other people are in my life. I am blessed beyond BELIEF! Like for real, for real! But I only write about whats wrong, as if it really outweighs all the things that are right. Clothed in my right mind, I KNOW that is not the truth. But...

"Things"

I love straight flowing hair, but I wear mine natural and in a puff.
I love chic, fashionable clothing, but I wear *sigh*.
I love to love, but I avoid it like the plague.
I love to have "real" conversations, but I keep things superficial.
I love manicured nails and feet, but I keep biting my nails off.
I love unique beautiful things, but I buy dull monotonous things.
I love healthy living, but I dont subscribe to my love anymore. I fight my loves tooth and nail. I dont want to be who I know I am...I am fighting...and I am winning and losing at the same time. I think I am SKITZO!!!

Withdrawn

I have been withdrawn from life for so long, I am not sure how to get back in the game. For so long, I assumed that nothing I did really mattered in the big scheme of things, but I am noticing that inquiring minds want to know. People want to know how I am, what I do, how my family is...and I must confess...at first I would be very skeptical. Now, I'm figuring that I am the weird one. I would not ask questions about others lives. I am more than willing to listen if they want to talk, but I am just not good at this whole "friend" thing. I am trying. But it is hard. I have lost so many friends due to me continually turning down invites and just keeping my distance from them emotionally. I figure that getting close to another just opens me up for too much, and I will be overwhelmed. I guess its selfish not to be willing to share yourself with another human...but it is what it is.

Last night, I caught myself making smart comment after smart comment towards my man. And in my mind...I'm asking, "Why are you doing that?", "You seem to be against him not his partner" and I figured that maybe that is the way I keep him at bay. I dont share what I feel with him, because I dont know. He let me know a long time ago that emotional things was NOT something that he preferred to entertain, and instead of letting that go in one ear and out the other, I did what I have done since I can remember...I just shut them down. I just pretend that I dont have feelings. And I realized what that is costing me. It makes him think that everything is fine, when its not. It makes me lie to myself, and work extra hard to keep the truth inside, which of course can make you sick, depressed and left feeling very lonely. And as of late, I am CONSCIOUSLY trying to get in touch with ALL of the feelings that I have buried inside of me. Tucked neatly away, where I am not aware of them. Unfortunately, its been so long, I am afraid to look at whats there. But thats the only way I can be free...I am afraid to change. I am afraid to show up one day FEELING. What if people are turned off by someone so obviously sensitive? Someone who 'needs' closeness and intimacy? What if no one wants to be around someone like that? (I know I am turned off by that) Well then I guess that saves me the trouble of pushing people away huh? Cant push away whose not there.

I feel like for so many years, I have been on this path of trying to hide myself. I tried to dull myself down, pretend that there is nothing at all worthy in myself. Pretend that I dont feel like I deserve to be happy. And for what??? So that I could 'identify' with the world around me? Well the world around me is dying of lack of love and lack of passion. Lack of integrity, Lack of truth. And I am tired of pretending that living at half throttle is okay. I am tired of feeling like I need a savior. I am tired of pretending that what I need is an external change of some sort. I am just plain tired...

How do I know its time for a makeover?

...Well not just because I havent switched up my style in FOREVER!! Not just because I have no real discernable personal "style" at all...not just because the call for a more personalized "me" is calling from the depths of my soul, but because of two occurences that happened less than 12 hours apart.


Setting: Last night on the couch with my man.

Me: I am so lazy, I dont feel like washing anything...so I am going to wear "the" skirt tomorrow. (few minutes elapses and I feel anxiety)

Me: I can't believe I am going to wear a skirt tomorrow.

Nard: You should wear more skirts, you look very good in them. Besides, whats the big deal...you ARE a girl. (he says this as IF I dont know *sigh*) But come to think of it...you dont do ANYTHING that girls do. Dress up...comb your hair!

Me: Sticking tongue out! But definately taking it in. He notices. How would he not?...but he SAID something. *Sigh*

Fast forward to today...My office manager is walking toward me...she excitedly exclaims with MUCHO ENTHUSIASM!!! "Oh that is SO COOL what you've done with your hair!!!"

Me: Copnfused look, because all I did was make my puff a bit higher today. (yes I was rushing again)

Her (upon closer examination-with slight disappointment): "Oh thats just the ribbon in your hair"...then she adds hopefully, "I thought you had burgundy highlights".

Me: Okay, Okay I get it!!!! I NEED a change. SIGH!

I'm Baaaaaaaack!!!

Okay...Yall know I suck right?? Cuz I have not a picture that I can put on the computer of my baby. But I had my son...FINALLY!!! Little Mr. Xavien (pronounced Zay-vee-in)Isaac was born on December 11th! He was 7 lbs, 8 oz. Born at 9:43 pm. I dont have the internet at home...there have been so many things I wanted to share with yall...and I'm bout to have a time going thru all of your blogs to see what has been going on with yall!!! I have been having some serious withdrawals! But you know what kind of withdrawals...I am NOT having...DRUGS! Why you ask??? Cuz I had natural childbirth!! NO PAIN MEDICATION AT ALL! Now if you read my blog...you KNOW that was NOT the plan! However, I guess God had a different plan, because the freakish turn of events left me in the MOST AGONIZING pain that I could have ever imagined! However...that experience was unlike any other. I know what it is to LABOR for love! Could I have lived my life without that??? YES! Would I change it? Not on your life. I have proved that there is nothing that I cannot do! I am TRULY A G! Well my one year old, has taken very nicely to being a big brother. He is so attentive to the baby, and even tries to comfort him when he cries. Its so sweet! I am so thankful, this holiday season has been magical. Christmas was great...lots of family...EVEN MORE FOOD! And no gestational diabetes...so I could load up on carbs as much as I wanted!!!!nd by the way...If anyone didnt know...BREASTFEEDING IS THE BOMB! It helped me avoid postpartum depression (as did the drug free birth, I believe) and I have lost 30 lbs already! I see why people breastfeed til their kids are five! lol NO I DONT! But I have been reading too many articles about it. Sorry...once a tooth starts to appear, ITS OVER! Done deal! Its not been long, but I am glad to be back at work. This is so gay...but I really missed yall...I have to check yall out now, so I'mm cut this short! Talk to you soon!