Need

I am feeling heavy lately. My insides feel like they weigh a TON! I know that I can alleviate this by just TALKING to my man about how I feel. But that is really proving to be more difficult than I could have imagined. I am going to mess around and have an anxiety attack from all of the feelings that I am trying to stifle. I can feel myself literally moving things around to not show myself. Its hard work. But honestly, its the way I do things. For most of my life. I dont like uncomfortable feelings, so I usually try to convince myself that I'm not having them. Only this time...its not working so well. They are there. They are with me when I awake, as I work, on my commute, when I talk to others, and even infiltrating my dreams. My true feelings are there...threatening to expose my heart and ruin the hard and 'controlled' exterior that I have tried to create for myself. I am afraid. I am afraid because for the first time in my life..I NEED - And I cant hide it. I cant talk my way out of it...cant make believe that I dont. There is something inside of me that I cannot deny. And my inability to hide it...makes me feel weak. I dont want this. This cannot be...but it is. And that scared me. I feel like I am unraveling at the seams. I am losing my friggin mind! My heart is closed. And I feel it opening...and that scares me. Because along with loving fully...I will be fully exposed. Naked. Open to be......touched. And I'm not sure thats what I want. I want to be embraced...but not held. Felt, but not touched. Loved, but not open. And I know that these are impossibities, one cannot exist without the other...but what am I to do? Fear has me frozen. For the first time in a long time...my need for love...is much larger than my fear of it. And I dont know how to let go...and just embrace the emergence of need. What do I do with it? Do I stomp the ground trying to satisfy it...or is it enough just to admit, the hardest thing that I have ever had to admit...I, Wakeelah...need.