....I wanna be saved!

Before any religious heads come thinking this is going to be a tear jerking post...I meant saved...like Captain Save-a-hoe....(only I'm not a hoe!) Anyway...lately I have been experiencing this feeling that I can only call...unrest. I am far from where I've come...which looking back...wasnt THAT bad a place...but so damn far from where I feel like I SHOULD be.

On my way to work this morning...I was thinking..."Its time for me to make shit happen!" And the thought came out of nowhere...it wasn't urgent, or demanding...it was just a very solid thought floating across my clear mind. And I asked myself..."How you gone do that?" Very logical question from a very logical mind...only thing is...MY MIND...is NOT logical at all! Never has been I have always been able to pull shit out the air, that to most "logical" thinkers didnt make sense...but it ALWAYS worked for me. I can literally 'make' shit happen. I have an ability to put myself in the right place at the right time for a miracle to happen. Some people think I lived in la-la land because I predicted that my life would be a mystical one...and with time and age...I have allowed that part of me to defer to my adult logical mind. Hmmmm? Curious. I NEVER would have expected that. Anyway...once I realized that I had questioned myself...from a very different perspective than I was used to...I asked myself what I was watiing for? And then I started to sing..."A-is-I a-is I should I save her? I wanna be saaaved!" And that is SO TRUE! I am waiting for my mans job to save me...or the lottery...or some other genie type thing that will grant me my every wish...This is NOT who I am. I dont wait on shit to happen...I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN!

This little reminder...was RIGHT ON TIME! I am so thankful for quiet drives to work. In my older years...(if you can consider 27 older)...I have found a way to relinquish myself to such an extent that I dont even recognize the processes that are going on inside my OWN mind! I am not where I want to be...cuz I am not MYSELF. I am living this life of this person...who needs proof and order and guidelines...Up until recently...that was not the case. I believed LIFE. And life proved to me that first comes demand and quickly to follow would be supply. I felt loved and supported. Unconditionally. There was no prerequisite to having my dreams fulfilled...it just happened. Because I WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVED that the world worked that way! My faith was unshakable! It appears to be rickety at best now...but now that I can identify the decline of my magic with my faltering of faith...NOW I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! Isnt that AWESOME I am so excited...cuz I have been terrorized by this fear of opening myself up to my SELF. Afraid that I need the world to corraborate my story...but I so dont! I miss myself. I miss BEING ME! Sometimes so bad...I want to cry. I miss my knack to find that silver lining no matter how elusive. I miss my JOY! I miss my honesty. And by honesty I dont mean as in opposite of lies...I mean my souls integrity. Living from my TRUTH. Living from the center of my chest, W-I-D-E open! Freely. Unashamedly. COMPLETELY! FUCK THE WORLD...AND WHAT YOU SAY! I miss my soul, man. I miss it...SOOO much! Damn I want a piece of chocolate cake!