Need

I am feeling heavy lately. My insides feel like they weigh a TON! I know that I can alleviate this by just TALKING to my man about how I feel. But that is really proving to be more difficult than I could have imagined. I am going to mess around and have an anxiety attack from all of the feelings that I am trying to stifle. I can feel myself literally moving things around to not show myself. Its hard work. But honestly, its the way I do things. For most of my life. I dont like uncomfortable feelings, so I usually try to convince myself that I'm not having them. Only this time...its not working so well. They are there. They are with me when I awake, as I work, on my commute, when I talk to others, and even infiltrating my dreams. My true feelings are there...threatening to expose my heart and ruin the hard and 'controlled' exterior that I have tried to create for myself. I am afraid. I am afraid because for the first time in my life..I NEED - And I cant hide it. I cant talk my way out of it...cant make believe that I dont. There is something inside of me that I cannot deny. And my inability to hide it...makes me feel weak. I dont want this. This cannot be...but it is. And that scared me. I feel like I am unraveling at the seams. I am losing my friggin mind! My heart is closed. And I feel it opening...and that scares me. Because along with loving fully...I will be fully exposed. Naked. Open to be......touched. And I'm not sure thats what I want. I want to be embraced...but not held. Felt, but not touched. Loved, but not open. And I know that these are impossibities, one cannot exist without the other...but what am I to do? Fear has me frozen. For the first time in a long time...my need for love...is much larger than my fear of it. And I dont know how to let go...and just embrace the emergence of need. What do I do with it? Do I stomp the ground trying to satisfy it...or is it enough just to admit, the hardest thing that I have ever had to admit...I, Wakeelah...need.

Adjustments...

My man doesnt live in Michigan...with me and our son. He currently resides in New Orleans. We have had two week long visits with him in the last 2 months. He calls me every day. Sends me and My-mi lots of love and sweet words. He sends a nice amount of moola every two weeks or so. Sometimes more frequently...never less. He is trying to do what he feels if fiscally best for our growing family.

I am pregnant. I am working. I do not like to work. It was under the assumption that when he made enough to cover our living expenses and after the baby in my belly is born, that I would not work. We would all move to Mississippi and blah, blah, blah...Happily ever after!

Well since the original plan, I have decided that moving south is not going to happen right now. Mainly because my family is here...and they are in love with my child. They help me a lot and I dont want to be seperated from them especially while my children are young. They deserve to have their grandparents in their life. My parents are the only ones they have. Besides...after living there for two months...he KNOWS it is not a place where he wants to live. Or raise our family. He is city to the bone!

Now...the dilemna...while he is away...I am adjusting...as any creature that you put in any environment will eventually do. I am adjusting to living a life without him. Where I was once in despair about not seeing him every day, I am becoming 'comfortable' with our daily phone calls. Where I was in agony over being in a single parent situation, I am becoming 'comfortable' doing all that needs to be done. Where I was once devastated by going through this pregnancy alone, I am finding solace in the love of my child and the growth of the one in my belly. I mean...did yall hear...I even kill bugs now! BIG ONES. I am scared. I am scared that he is being phased out of my life. I dont want to believe this...but this is my experience. I dont even talk much about it...because the indifference is scary. When he first left it was so hard...I didnt tell him how much I missed him because I didnt want to be viewed as unsupportive, however now I mention every day...that he needs to COME HOME. Not so much because I miss him, but I fear if he doesnt come home and reclaim his space in my life...that it may no longer be there waiting for him. I have not told him this...because honestly, I dont know how. How do you say, " I know you've not been gone that long, and you're doing this for us...but this space is not healthy for us...and yeah we have two kids...but...." See I dont even know HOW to do that. I.dont.know. Our connection is not feeling very strong right now. When he calls me before I go to bed...or leaves a message because I'm already out...I feel so conflicted. I want to tell him how I feel...but I fear what is on the other side of this conversation...I am such a big PUNK! This is life. Raw as it gets for me. This is one of the most REAL situations I have been in. And I'm not dropping the ball...I'm just not doing anything else with it either. Sigh. I guess now would be a good time to pray.

Big azz bug(s)!!!!

So...I go to the bathroom a lot right. TMI? Maybe...but true. So I usually dont acutally LOOK! Cuz its pretty autopilot at this point. Well yesterday...I am about to leave my bathroom and I look down...and to my surprise...what do I see? Well I dont know...but I think it was a friggin cricket or something. It was the BIGGEST BUG I have EVER SEEN INDOORS!! MAYBE EVER!!! The fear gripped my throat, and chest...it was SOOO ugly! Did I mention it was SOOO BIG??? Now normally this is where my high pitched scream comes into play, so that my man will come and scream at me for screaming, while he handles the situation...but...he's in friggin...LOU-EEZ-I-ANA!!! Anger...So I dont know what to do....I dont want any of MY SHOES touching this thing. I'm scared to spray Tilex on it (which was my first thought) What if it can fly? I am going to freak out. Then I hear my son...and out of nowhere...I get courage to KILL, KILL, KILL! I smushed the shit out of it while screaming obscenities at it! Talking about hard to kill. I was so proud of myself...but now I'm wondering how the hell something that big just happened up in my house! Now I'm worried. I wrap the bug in some old stretch pants and throw them away...I secretly call myself the Terminator! I look at Jeremiah, like "Mommy just saved you...and you dont even know it...but you're welcome!" Yeah...I'm the ish!

fast forward 30 minutes...I am going in the kitchen to make My-Mi some milk milk, and mama some Kool-aid! (and yes I know kool aid is garbage) and I hear a chirp. Now its late and I do have the window cracked...but that ish sounded too close. I look in the trash...and who is there..but a-NOTHER damn cricket thing! Its just chillin...lookin at me..like you thought you did something huh? I'm terrified. Dont know if its the same one...or a NEW one. Dont have time to figure it out. I try and smash it with a pizza box. No dice! So after a few minutes of sheer panic, I pour some bleach on it...and then stab it with the broom--REPEATEDLY. I closed the bag and took it out immediately. Praying that it woudl not crawl out of the hole onto my hand...or that it wasnt sending out warning signals in bug...and I would be ambushed by a whole lot of them.

As soon as I got back in the house...I check all the screens with the open windows...no holes. So how did they get in. I am very paranoid now. I HATE BUGS. And I have no idea how they got in!!!

Dear God...what on Your green earth is going on???? If the lesson is to learn courage....then hopefully I passed this test. I would hate to have to move. But I cant deal with this. You KNOW me, better than anyone else. Me no do bugs...so either please keep them out...or make a way for me to move. Thank you. Love.

Keelah

TEN years!!!!!

I am debating on whether or not to attend my 10 year high school reunion. I cannot believe it has been 10 years! TEN! Wow. Last night I went through my yearbook, reminiscing...but honeslty dont have a lot of high school memories...as I was never allowed to DO anything...but I'm working on letting the past go! :) Anyway...I went on myspace just to see what everybody is up to...I was FLOORED by the fact that most people have CHILDREN...like big elementary school children. Like 3rd and 4th graders...at least!! Am I going to go? hmmm...we'll see! But I am doubtful.

Mood: Kinda sad...depressingly nostalgic...wanting to smack someone that keeps working my nerves!

Appetite: Starving, as usual.

Outlook: Not too good. Dont know what my deal is today.

We still cool right?

So this is the deal...I hold a lot in. Well I used to...cuz lately with the heightened sensitivity and all, I notice just how much it takes to sugarcoat things...or try and pretend that things are okay when they are not. I always thought that was a symbol of maturity to deal with life's seeming injustices with a (forced smile)...but lately, I'm just seeing things in a different light. I am very tactful. Its something I pride myself on...A lot of times If I cant find a "light" enough way to say something, I just hold it in. Causing myself, (and now conseqently my child) a lot of anguish. FUCK THAT! I am not going to allow anyone in this world to think they can say or do whatever the fuck they want to...and I will just DEAL! What the hell was I thinking? And the problem is...People EXPECT for me to show up the same way I always have...and that girl is GONE! I am not going to be persuaded to think like the majority! I am not going to feel bad for being who I am. Actually its all good. Because the more honest I am to me...the more honest I can be with my entire world. And the more honest everyone can be with me. My relationships are improving, my attitude seems worse...but thats only cuz I'm facing a lot of oppostion for speaking my mind. Its like some people think I should consider the feelings of everyone else...then me. Ha ha! Not in MY LIFE! In my life...MY shit comes first! The end. I am not going to inconvenience myself so that you feel more comfortable around me. What the fuck kinda shit is that??? If you can't handle me as I am...then whose problem is that? Mine? Sheeeeeyiiid!!!! AAAANNNNNT! Wrong answer...moving right along...la la la!

To my unborn son

I swell with pride and joy and thankfullness as your life expands inside of me. The fear that was there has been replaced with such a profound gratefulness. I am expectant. Your every move STOPS TIME. I dont understand...but I am thankfull. Deeply. I woke up early this morning...before light shone. Just when the crickets began their song. It was just me, you and the morning. You kicked and punched me...and spiraled about...I.just.was. I sat still and relaxed as I could be...as you awakened with the earth. It was a very magical moment. And we shared it...just us two. Thank you baby...for choosing us. Thank you baby...for choosing me. Thank you for all of the joy, blessings, learnings, and TRUTH that you will inevitably bring to this life of mine. Mama loves you. Always and eternally.

Mama's Wittle Man

This is my son...6 months ago! (time to take some more huh?) I love you, Jeremiah!

Take your own advice FIRST!!!!

Now...normally I dont give advice. AT ALL! If I have been in similar situations or believe that life has given me privy information that may be helpful to help you through something...then I will offer you what I have...with the preface..."In my experience"...or soemthing to that effect. I would NEVER tell anyone what they should do...because I am aware that I dont see your life from the broadest perspective. I see it from MY perspective-an outside one. AND, I only see what you allow me to see...Your words cannot help me 'feel' your experience. They can only describe it to me...and I get to interpret that through my FILTERS. Not always impartial...if I must say so myself. So...knowing that I am not always of a clear mind, I just try and listen...and be at least a sounding board that you can bounce ideas off of to fix your own problem...especially when I know that being IN a situation ALWAYS makes it that much harder to actually DO what seems to be the obvious solution. So...that being said...I leave advice to your therapists and people who have control issues. I stay out of that whole thing. However it would be wise of me to understand that not everyone shares that sentiment. Actually most people JUMP at the chance to offer their two cents...and almost everyone thinks that thier advice is worth Gold. I mean its yours right? Of course you do! Hmph! I witnessed a battle of the EGO's this weekend that made me sick! Like literally sick.

Picture it...Detroit...2007...My mom and the oil change guy...going back and forth complaining about the lack of good men/women--BOTH of them pretending to be the victims of some consipiracy for them not to be happy. Somehow..they do everything right in a relationship...but ALWAYS get shitted on...and they fed off of each other...and IT grew bigger and bigger...and so did my RAGE! I kept my mouth shut the ENTIRE time while I listened to them make GROSS GENERALIZATIONS based on their limited experiences, and then justify their wrong behaviour by them. But after all was said and done...they both claimed to LOVE the opposite sex! hahahha I seriously doubt it. Nothing that came out of either one of their mouths had even the slightest tinge of love involved. It was I gotta get you before you get me...cuz I've been gotten before. I understand...you are hurt..but both of them claimed to be healed and to have let go of the past...yet somehow still findin themselves in the same predicaments...and neither had the awareness to question their own roles in that...that IRKED.ME.TO.NO.END. Blame, accusation, he did it, she done it...pooor pooor me! Whenver I'm going thru something...after I vent about the injustices in the world. (dont we all?) I ask...so what is it that is IN ME that is attracting this vile shit into my life??? Usually I come up with something. Not an easy thing to change...but a starting point nonetheless. It was too damn hot yesterday for me to sit thru that...and apparently it bothered me even more than I thought...cuz I still have 'feelings' about it a whole day later. Sigh...me and my damn feelings!

Now dont get it twisted, I did question why I had such a strong reaction to it...(aside from the fact that they sounded sooo DUMB to me) and I'm either still waiting for the answer...or decided to ignore it--cuz I KNOW I dont act like that!! :)

....I wanna be saved!

Before any religious heads come thinking this is going to be a tear jerking post...I meant saved...like Captain Save-a-hoe....(only I'm not a hoe!) Anyway...lately I have been experiencing this feeling that I can only call...unrest. I am far from where I've come...which looking back...wasnt THAT bad a place...but so damn far from where I feel like I SHOULD be.

On my way to work this morning...I was thinking..."Its time for me to make shit happen!" And the thought came out of nowhere...it wasn't urgent, or demanding...it was just a very solid thought floating across my clear mind. And I asked myself..."How you gone do that?" Very logical question from a very logical mind...only thing is...MY MIND...is NOT logical at all! Never has been I have always been able to pull shit out the air, that to most "logical" thinkers didnt make sense...but it ALWAYS worked for me. I can literally 'make' shit happen. I have an ability to put myself in the right place at the right time for a miracle to happen. Some people think I lived in la-la land because I predicted that my life would be a mystical one...and with time and age...I have allowed that part of me to defer to my adult logical mind. Hmmmm? Curious. I NEVER would have expected that. Anyway...once I realized that I had questioned myself...from a very different perspective than I was used to...I asked myself what I was watiing for? And then I started to sing..."A-is-I a-is I should I save her? I wanna be saaaved!" And that is SO TRUE! I am waiting for my mans job to save me...or the lottery...or some other genie type thing that will grant me my every wish...This is NOT who I am. I dont wait on shit to happen...I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN!

This little reminder...was RIGHT ON TIME! I am so thankful for quiet drives to work. In my older years...(if you can consider 27 older)...I have found a way to relinquish myself to such an extent that I dont even recognize the processes that are going on inside my OWN mind! I am not where I want to be...cuz I am not MYSELF. I am living this life of this person...who needs proof and order and guidelines...Up until recently...that was not the case. I believed LIFE. And life proved to me that first comes demand and quickly to follow would be supply. I felt loved and supported. Unconditionally. There was no prerequisite to having my dreams fulfilled...it just happened. Because I WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVED that the world worked that way! My faith was unshakable! It appears to be rickety at best now...but now that I can identify the decline of my magic with my faltering of faith...NOW I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! Isnt that AWESOME I am so excited...cuz I have been terrorized by this fear of opening myself up to my SELF. Afraid that I need the world to corraborate my story...but I so dont! I miss myself. I miss BEING ME! Sometimes so bad...I want to cry. I miss my knack to find that silver lining no matter how elusive. I miss my JOY! I miss my honesty. And by honesty I dont mean as in opposite of lies...I mean my souls integrity. Living from my TRUTH. Living from the center of my chest, W-I-D-E open! Freely. Unashamedly. COMPLETELY! FUCK THE WORLD...AND WHAT YOU SAY! I miss my soul, man. I miss it...SOOO much! Damn I want a piece of chocolate cake!

stuff

So my man came back on Saturday...and it was so nice to see him coming out of the airport doors. He was smiling from ear to ear! It felt good to be missed and to see it oozing all over his face. So far things have been very good. We have been having a lot of fun together, and our son is reacquainting himself with him. Is this bad? I became the new favorite!!! And I loved it! His feelings were a little hurt when our baby cried everytime I left the room...or he would bend over backwards to see where I was going...not contented to be with daddy. He has said mommy more than EVER!!! Am I too excited??!! Yep! Anyway...I guess a month in "baby" is a lifetime! But that seems to be gone now. Now they can chill for minutes before our son calls out for me! Guilty pleasures! So I'm a bad person...pinch me! Well anyway...I am getting over a bad bout of dehydration. Do yall know that ish hurts?? Well I didnt...now I do. I have been feeling pretty bad for the past few days...and just chalked it up to being fat and hot and pregnant...but I was in serious water denial. And it began to wreak havoc on my body--muscle spasms, unable to keep food down (the WORST!) ...I'm better now...but I am tired. I been all playing wifey...cookin and shit! Hahahahhahah...I.DONT.COOK.NO.MO! But since Nard is home...I'm thinking it would be nice to remind him what he is missin....however that cannot continue to go down... I dont have the stamina for all that. There is a reason why I dont do shit...cuz Im tied as hayle! I'm all grocery shopping, cooking, ironing, yep...all these things that have been practically IMPOSSIBLE for me to do for the past few months...now I'm doing them with a smile. AND not drinkin water??? Prescription for DISASTER!!! So I have advised him...that he had his last home cooked meal. Nope not even on his b-day in two days! Pick a place--any place! Not gonna do it. I have been going to bed at 11:00 instead of my normal 9:30 ish...and this is just not working. I dont want to complain..but I am jumping through hoops that my big azz cant fit through right now! Its funny tho...I feel like I did when we first met...trying to put my best foot forward and thangs...Its cute! However after almost 8 years...he done seen my feet in their pedicured glory...and when I look like I have been walking in flour! So what am I trying to prove???? Me feets gets ashy from time to time...and I put a flip flop on em and call it a day! He knows that....so I'mma go head and BE as I am. Non cookin-but ALL EATING! Paper plate and plastic cup usin', corned beef devouring...ME! What is that I hear...the bells of FREEDOM! SMILE--AND ENJOY THIS DAY!

The Case of the Missing Underwear

Okay...so this is CRAZY! I have heard of losing socks in the laundry...but I lost a whole damn load of draws. And they are nowhere to be found. My place is not that big...and picked up for the most part. Yet...when I woke up this morning I had NO DRAWS!! I had my honey check in the dryer...where they SHOULD have been (nope havent learned my late night washing lesson) and he brings up a load of colorful clothing...where my underwear SHOULD have been...but NO UNDERWEAR were in there!!!! How does that happen? So the goose chase begins...I think that maybe I just "thought" they were supposed to be there and they were awaiting a wash...however the only things left unwashed are my comforters. They are not in the drawer...nor in the closet...nor in a pile. Now they could be in the trash...but that is highly unlikely...besides...I'm not going to check. Gargage is thrown out for a reason...if they are in there...they would stay anyway...so to make a long story short...i had to wear a pair of his boxers. I had to cut the thighs...cuz mine are WAAAY bigger than his. They are so uncomfortable. Its official. If I were a dude...I would wear panties. Not briefs...but panties!!! I really appreciate them so much. Their comfort...the way they contour to my body...And since my undies were missing...so was my favorite (read: only) bra. I have more....but they dont fit right. My girls are growing and I have two that fit really well...the rest are NOT OKAY. One would think that I would have bought more...but I didnt think I needed to right now. Once again...joke on me. So in addition to wearing tight azz boxers...I put on a bra that is eons too small...needless to say that it is in the car...good thing I wore a jacket today...which may or may not be concealing the mayhem. sigh...and I dont feel well. I want to go home! And crawl back into bed with my sweetie...who came back on Saturday afternoon. So...I'm hoping that this turkey sandwich will help me feel better...sigh!

A Bear is A Bear...

...No matter what it wears. That is the lesson from a very animated dream I had last night. I am a dreamer. Its something I look forward to every day. The rejuvenation of slumber and the revelations of my dreams. Lately I have had a LOT on my mind. Worries about the future, questions about the questions that I ask myself about decisions that I get to make. Faith, how to maintain it when my world does not immediately reflect the fruition of my deepest prayers. How can I know if what I am going to choose will be the right thing for my family? I have a FAMILY!! When did my ass grow up and have to make decisons like these? And all the while I worry that whatever I choose may not be whats best...some unforseen circumstance will come out of left field and taunt me..."I told you so! Nah nah nah NAH!" Well I have to trust that I have the vision necessary to make the best decisions. I mean if I cant make good decsions for ME then who can? I do not believe that God brings us anything that he has not equipped us to deal with. So I have to believe that if a bear (or challenge) is wearing a dress, that I will not only be able to immediately recognize it for what it is...but respond appropriately to the situation. I have to trust my instincts. I am excited...and nervous! Life is good. Because it IS happening. And Im glad I'm still here to get to live it!